Trouble in Paradise
lizznjohn
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Is there a point when lack of consideration means lack of love?
Re: Is there a point when lack of consideration means lack of love?
Curious, not snarky - Given that you have nothing in common and pretty well disdain each other's personal lives, why did you get married? Was it just the thing to do after being together so long, or were you haping it would "fix" things?
My guess is that he might be starting to resent the fact that you've been together pretty much your WHOLE LIVES. Neither of you ever had a chance to have any adventures, to make yourselves a priority, to explore the world as a single person. Not saying it's not fixable, but counseling is required ASAP to develop the skills needs to verbalize your feelings and resolve some issues. I'm not thinking divorce is the answer here, but you definitely need to find a way to put some youth back into your lives - weekend hiking trips, parties with friends, etc.
best of luck!
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
You've been together since you were THIRTEEN. To be blunt, yes, I would leave. A child WILL NOT MAKE THIS BETTER and would actually probably only mean you'll be a single mom eventually.
There is so much more to life than this. There really, really is.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
He sounds like an inconsiderate jerk. WOW --- how rude, how vulgar and how childish.
Perhaps you are right: you should have said goodbye to him years ago.
What you need to do:
Sit him down and ask him point blank if he sitll wishes to remain married to you. And then cite what you told us.
Maybe it's just time for you to say goodbye to this guy.
Have that discussion with him and no matter what the outcome, do what's right. GL.
You've been together since you were thirteen.
You've been living together since you were eighteen.
This guy has been your entire life with, what I can only imagine, was no other experience with anyone else.
In brief, yes - I'd run. There's a whole world of experience waiting for you out there. Even in your second post about what he does do that you think are positive, there wasn't anything that said "He loves me and we're happy." If you don't have that, then what is the point? You deserve more. Go find it.
I agree.
You shouldn't run out looking for someone else that appreciates you right now, you should enjoy life, travel, meet people, mingle, the 20s are the best yrs to have fun. Not trying to be rude but it sounds like your husband is tired and bored of you, he isn't making effort because he's not interested anymore. It could be he needs to enjoy being single too, I'm sorry you're going through this. If it gets hard to cope with on your own, I suggest seeing a therapist, they can help you move forward and move on without him. Good luck.
I am wondering about your home life -- you didn't go to college, you didn't get a job and stay at home saving your money --- I wonder if you were running away from something by moving in with your boyfriend.
Maybe it's time for you to say goodbye to this jerk. If this is very very recent behavior, makes me wonder if he's looking for a way out of this marriage.:(
oh but liz you said you were in a healthy happy relationship? now you are saying something different? which is it?
maybe your H knows about the man you are in love with?
dont bother DDing this post...because ill make sure i repost it
You started "dating" him three years before you were old enough to get a driver's license. You're only 23. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?
Call it a starter marriage and move on. Learn from your mistakes and spend the next five years single. Normally I'd only suggest being alone for a year, but in your case? You latched onto this guy on the friggin' playground at school and never let go. Five at the least.
?? Where's the backstory to this post?
These don't sound like real issues - it looks like you are fishing for a reason to justify your feelings of wanting to leave him.
Your examples of a lack of consideration - you feel that he should open your car door? And if he doesn't he doesn't love you? Does he literally slam doors in your face? He doesn't wake you on the couch when you are sleeping - I don't see how that is showing a lack of consideration - perhaps you should be going to bed when you are tired instead of falling asleep on the couch so he has to wake you? His snoring is not an intentional slight at you - lots of people snore and they still love their spouse. It's hardly a malicious act. And the light? How did you want him to wake you up?
I agree with the other posters that you marrying your only boyfriend you've had since 13 was a very, very bad idea. I think he feels the same, and you should both split amicably and go live your lives.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/70756712.aspx
Look, sis: sh!t or get off the bowl. There's another guy involved? Either you drop the guy and concentrate on fixing your marriage or say goodbye to your H and let him find a wife who cares.
Oh, that's rich. Been w/ one guy since you were 13. And now you want to leave him in order to run right to another guy. Excellent. Just excellent.
Just so you know - if you have no sense of self (which you don't), you will never, ever find a truly good relationshipo. You'll run to this other guy, and eventually you'll be unhappy there too. I'm positive that thsi will happen.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yikes, read your other post.
Just leave your husband, you guys don't work out anyway. At no point is it okay to have some other guy you are emotionally swooning over like that and that you might have an affair. And you are getting pissed about your own H with these mundane things?! Come on. Grow up.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Why did you marry your husband a year ago, when you've been obsessed with your online boyfriend for 2 years?
You do realize that you've been emotionally cheating since before the marriage even began, which means your husband married you under false pretenses, and there's a good chance that this will totally (and deservedly) come back to bite you in the @$$ when the inevitable divorce hearing goes down, right?
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
Where did you go OP?
No comments?
figures
This, except it's not always about the big princess day. I made this mistake, I grew up in a small town, very religiously conservative, so around senior year people look around and find the one that is the least objectionable and get married, because it's expected and you can have guilt-free sex. If only I had known then what I know now . . . but kids these days won't listen to advice from us old hags :-) So glad I took the time to find myself after the divorce and before finding my forever DH.
Um, the fact that he works to provide for you and is good to animals... that's not a ringing endorsement. Especially with all the negative the he seems to give you in your OP.
Why did you marry him? Because you had to prove something? Didn't know how a relationship could be any other way?
Wow. 13. I can't imagine being married to my high school sweetheart. He's a great guy but... we're so different now.
ETA: Oh FFS lady learn how to be on your own for a while... split with H, leave this other guy alone and grow up.