Sex & Romance
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No sex in 7 months
We got married in June and we have "tried" sex 3 times. THREE. We had sex a lot back in high school (got married after we graduated college) and now we don't at all. I've confronted him and he doesn't really seem bothered. I don't know what to do. I told him I want to see a counselor, read books, whatever. I feel like I'm in this by myself. Any help, guidance, or thoughts would be wonderful!
Re: No sex in 7 months
I can't believe no one has responded yet.
I advise you to go to counseling and get help from someone who knows how to address this. This is definitely and issue and I'm sure you are in this for the long haul because you took your vows seriously.
That being said. If you have a Pastor or Priest that would be a good start. I hope someone else posts here. But you definately need someone to talk to who is not involved with either of you... (not your friends).
Let me know how this goes. I will be praying for you.
~Rae
Yet again, we are not seeing all, or even a few, of the parts of the 'jigsaw'.......
So,....when you "confronted" him and he did'nt "seem bothered" what did he actually say and how was it left?....Did he agree to seeing a counselor?....did he say what was wrong?.......have you had some disagreement about sex, or anything else?......How old are you both?......Has your relationship been continuous since high school?.........Did sex stop when you got married or before?......what kind of sex did you have during college?.......what are your life styles now?....both working?.......Are you anxious to have kids?.......Is he unhappy about something in you life together?.......Is he trying to establish a difficult career?........Is his health ok?........is your health ok?..........
...........theres more to this than you have told us,...much more.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Hi, didn't want to leave me whole life story until someone left. In college the sex slowed down and we just said we would wait until after our wedding to have more sex. Yes, we just moved and starting new jobs (he's a cop) and I work from home. We have been in our new area (dc) for about five months. We aren't anxious to have kids but we want them. He doesn't want to talk to anyone about our sex life. I'm 23 and he's 25. We are young.
but we have been just with each other continuously since middle school. Health is fine..nothing else is going on..this is so odd.
He doesn't seem bothered.
BUT....this bothers you.
That this bothers you and that he isn't even concerned? Pretty bad.
This is a horrific spot you are in; what is happening here is that he is supposed to make sure you are happy in every way, including sexually.
The vow that he too is forsaking all others and that also includes your married sex life: that means you come first. He's sure struck out on this one big time.
Have a talk with him --- outside of the bedroom --- and make sure you and he have no interruptions and then tell him how you feel. It's essential that he work on the problem with you and make sure that the solution to it is one that is more than satisfactory to you.
This problem is frequent. If you scroll down the board, you'll see many many posts that describe the same problem you and he are having. I don't know what it is -- is it adjustment to marriage? do these guys not *know* what marital sex is? Another case of the Madonna-Whore Complex? Is this a weird kind of sexual rut? The husbands all seem to lose the script, once the I Dos are said --- I don't know what the problem could be; all I know is what is happening is not good and it isn't healthy.
Nor is it normal for a guy to just give up having sex. That's unheard of.
When you told him you wanted to see a counselor, what did he do? Willing to bet he nixed the idea.
He needs to make sure that you are happy and if he doesn't, I see a character issue here; that's far worse than a celibate marriage.
On the outside chance, you yourself might want to talk to a sex therapist on your own; tell her or him what's happening and see what he or she says.
What exactly do you mean by "tried"? That in itself would be quite an eye opener.:(
So he more or less gave you an IOU and promissory note:
Hi, didn't want to leave me whole life story until someone left. In college the sex slowed down and we just said we would wait until after our wedding to have more sex.
Yes, we just moved and starting new jobs (he's a cop) and I work from home. We have been in our new area (dc) for about five months. We aren't anxious to have kids but we want them. He doesn't want to talk to anyone about our sex life.
He doesn't want to talk to anyone about his sex life with you. Hm. Does that include you too, perchance?
You have been together since middle school -- I am also wondering if it is entirely possible that this relationship was winding down, or in the process of it, right about the time he proposed. Maybe he decided to propose because he thought it was "what came next" being you were together all those years.
At any chance, he owes it to you to be frank and open about what's happening and above all, he needs to provide for you sexually, the same as he provides for you in all other areas of your marriage.
Is he possibly gay? I don't know. Is he having an affair? I don't know.
But I do know that a guy just doesn't dry up in the bedroom after he gets married. Not normal not acceptable and you do not give your wife to be a promissory note for sex.
Very normal for passion to ebb and flow but when the sex started to drop off before you got married and it was dropping off over a very very extended period of time: that was when you should have addressed the problem.
Maybe it is possible he just was never into sex and now he's showing you what his true colors are. Maybe this relationship was over a long time and somehow or other he thought getting married was what you do next, as i said.
Whatever is in the mix, it's not acceptable.
The only one who has the answers is HIM.
Settle for nothing less than what YOU want.
After you have had another talk with him:
If he won't get busy and the situation is the same, say, in 6 months from now, I suggest you get this sham of a marriage annulled. You did not marry to obtain a roommate..and one who doesn't give a fig about how you feel, at that.And I would make it clear that the future of his marriage is riding upon his getting busy.
And if you are more or less thinking strongly about having kids with this guy, get out of that mind set: there's a huge problem here and even if this guy manages to put out and you get pregnant, you'd be bringing a child into a very problematic marriage.
For your sake, I urge you to get to the bottom of this mess. And if it means packing it in and having the marriage annulled, I strongly suggest you do so. He's not bothering to consummate the marriage??? Geez, from what I understand, that's pretty much verboten in every religious denomination. And not just prohibited, not normal.
ETA: This is from July...no sex in 3 years???
We've been married about 2 months and just started using FAM. I cannot be on anything hormonal and DH can't use condoms for his health reasons. We just read Taking Charge of Your Fertility and have been charting for about 3 days. We have not had sex ONCE since we've been married (It's been about 3 years since we've had sex)! (Because of difficulty with BC) I am DYING. :-)
How in hell is he even agreeing to a family?! He can't even agree to have a normal sex life with his wife. I am wondering why he even bothered to get married.
Do clarify the ""Because of difficulty with BC" -- are you saying that somehow birth control interferred with intercourse? You could have tried another method: a diaphragm, the sponge, a cervical cap, an IUD, vaginal film or contraceptive suppositories --- and there are condoms that are not made of latex, if you are saying he's got an allergy to latex. There is also the female condom. You could have looked into any one of these bc methods...still waiting for you to clarify the "difficulty with BC" part.
And even so, why weren't the 2 of you addressing and working on the problem as a team and together --- when it first made its appearance? This is not only a lack of teamwork, it's a horrible lack of communication.
Maybe you ought to scratch the advice I gave you about waiting 6 more months for him to get it on and just have this horrible arrangement annulled straight away. From a religious point of view, the 2 of you are considered "not married" because there has been no consummation after the vows.
What a mess and a big one. Something is very strongly amiss.
And the lack of respect for you is resounding. He's showing you he doesn't care to do anything about a problem affecting the both of you.
I cannot fathom how you let this issue go for 3 solid years. I suggest counseling for you because you have accepted a sexless arrangement. Maybe he is gay -- and possible he is asexual. Again, he's got the answers to this, not us.
The bottom line:
IS sex important to you or not?
If it is, put yourself first. Why are you settling for a sexless marriage??
This is just horrible. I am sorry for your troubles; as I said, please put yourself first.
I sympathize with you a lot. My bf and I have been together for eight years (with a 2 separations in there). We have a twenty two month old and are the exact same ages as the two of you. We're not married but live our lives that way. Anyway sex has been a major issue for us the past four years. Although we do have sex at least once a month is is rarely more than that. This is very hard on me, but I am trying to be understanding because for my bf it is due to emotional reasons. He was raped by a patient during a hospital stay when he was 13 (a 17 year old sharing the room with him).
Our sex life was normal during high school and early college but as he got older he said the issues he never dealt with came back full force. I would say that it is possible for a deeper issue to be affecting his sex drive especially if there are no other signs that it is just a settling of the relationship. My bf and I are finally going to see a therapist to talk about these issues. He may not wanting to open up at this point but these issue can cause major relationship problems. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can find a way for things to get better! Also feel free it message me if you need to vent or talk at all!
I am going to have to agree with this one....sorry sweetie but something is VERY WRONG here. I would say something was very wrong when the sex started slowing down while you guys were in college.
I just don't think he is being honest with you. He is 25 yrs old and hasn't had sex in 7 months???? That isn't normal....EVER. You REALLY need to think about the 'other' options here because this sounds like a real problem. Gay? Addicted to porn? Cheating? Again....I am really sorry....
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