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Its like I'm single...
I did a 4 week hike in peru to Machu Pichu with a group of friends... and plan to go to grand canyon next summer. Problem is my husband does not like to travel, get on airplane, boats or anything! I thought that I could handle this..but we have been together for three years and I have realized that he does not like to do ALOT of things.
Before we got married we used to have fun going to see live bands and watching movies. He also told me that he was open to living in a different state or country. But the truth is that he is not a risk taker, and while I have been applying to jobs in other states.. he is not.
I have always known that he was not that outgoing in public almost a bit socially awkward. He is always serious and I find myself having a better time going out on my own. I feel like we are young, don't have any kids and can afford to go out on the weekends or do weekend trips.. He is not into any of this. Two months ago I bought comedy tickets and a few weeks ago I won free tickets to the movies... we have yet to go out on a date. Being that he is not into drinking or going out to bars or hanging out.. we really do not spend a lot of money on the weekends...So I have suggested that we could go out to some nice resteraunts, but not even that. I really feel I should be enjoying marriage a lot more.
I love my husband, he is supportive, responsible and caring. But I fear that I am settling because I feel like I am letting time pass by and not really enjoying life. He is a musician, I support him and go out to gigs with him.. I know marriage is about compromise...but I feel like I am compromising a lot.
Re: Its like I'm single...
After I told him how I felt he explained that he is a very shy person and its difficult for him to be in big groups and meet new people. I understand this and have accepted him...I have to admit that he has really tried to be more open. But I don't expect for him to change, he just not really into the seeing new places meeting new people. In june we did go to montrea (jazz fest)l, and he loved it! He said that this is a place that he would want to go to every year. So he suggest doing this together every year and for me to travel any where else with my friends if I want to.
That is up to you to decide. In my opinion yes this is petty. And no this is not divorce worthy. This is one of those things where you suck it up and accept him for who he is. This is a part of him. Just as traveling is a part of you. Which props to you for being so awesome about the music thing. That is great. But please do not make it a "well I do this for you...you should do this for me" thing. Support him out of the goodness of your heart and don't hold it against him.
And honestly It's your fault if you feel single over this. Not his. It is all about the mind set. Sure it would be nice if he sucked it up and went on some trips with you but it is what it is. You can bring it up about compromising but if you already have then it is pointless. At this stage he would need to decide on his own "hey maybe I should just go to make her happy". If he never gets there then just go and enjoy your trips. Maybe even find a club that enjoys traveling? They have clubs for everything.
My overall opinion is that if this is your biggest worry then you guys are doing pretty awesome and should be looked at as a "pick your battle" thing.
How long did you date and how long have you been married?
And did this really change drastically after you got married, OR was it you hoping "oh , once we get married, it will change?".
As a PP said - it's really up to you to decide if this is petty or not. I know a guy who doesn't like to travel at all. As in - he takes a week vacation? He spends it at home. He sees spending money to travel as a waste.
OMG - I really truly don't think I could be w/ someone like that.
If you're both content w/ you going out w/o him, maybe that's a reasonable compromise. Although, it's up to YOu to decide if you can really spend the rest of your life doing this. And in saying that - look at who it is that you do these other things with. Are they married, or single? I ask because when you have "like-lifed" people, it's easy to do things together, but once a major change comes (i.e. a previously single friend is now w/ someone) - you may find you don't have travel buddies.
I have 2 FB friends who are both divorced/divorcing and have 2 girls each. Their custody arrangements are such that they have the same weekends free. So I see them doing a LOT of things together. But I truly question "what happens when one of them meets a new guy?". Previously, the friendship was questionable. I see it going back to that at some point.
This is only something you can decide. Look at the big picture. Why did you marry him? What do you see for your future? Are you compatible from that point of view?
Good luck.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
No...not divorce worthy. Unfortunately that's the "go to" line of advice some some posters here.
I think you have right to feel saddened by your DH's "quiet" life, but not angry or fumming enough to file for a divorce.
What would happen if you took the initiative and actually planned an outing for the two of you with these tickets you won and just said, "We're going!" My DH isn't terribly outgoing with other people either, but when I say, "We have XYZ to go and do," he gets on board (admittedly, he does eye roll sometimes
)
My dad is also a "homebody." He tries to avoid traveling a lot. My mom is the planner of their trips. Have you tried to go this route? Maybe you planning something would eliminate some of his concerns and worries.
This!
I feel like you are my H and I am your H...
DH loves to go out and socialize, and I am more introverted. I get social anxiety when I am in a crowded place (such as a concert or bar), so I don't go. DH does get upset when I don't go sometimes, so I try to make an effort to go with him when it's obvious that he really wants me to go. I doubt your H is glad that you are going out an enjoying yourself and he is just sitting at home all alone- he obviously loves you and who you are. He is just introverted and you are not. The two of you need to find a balance in that aspect of your personalities.
I don't really agree with you (based on what you posted) that you compromise a lot. The way I read what you posted is this: "He doesnt like going out and doing things with me, so I go alone." A compromise (IMO) is if you stayed home with him half of the time. Sure, it might not be the most fun thing to do, but you will be spending more time with him (isn't that what you want?), and maybe you can get to the root of why he doesn't like doing certain things (is he worried he won't fit in? how much weekly outings will cost if both of you go out? maybe he's got anxiety about being in a crowded room? maybe he doesn't like your friends?). Spend time with him- even if it's just sitting on the couch watching tv at first. Get to know him better. Try to do things you BOTH like. Maybe he would like to go to a museum or another quiet, but still social, place.
Good luck!
No, this is not a reason for divorce. This is when you two sit down and learn to compromise more. You give a little and take a little. I love hiking, walking, etc and it takes DH a lot to get into it with me. But he tries bc he knows that when he wants me to support him with his remodeling and hobbies I'm there. I stay home on a Saturday to help him build something and then on a Sunday he joins me on a hike. You need to sit down and discuss give and take.
TTC 19 months ~Started RE in March 2014~
DH was not ready for IUI so we waited
~Started acupuncture in May 2014~
~~BFP 7/6/14~~~EDD 3/14/15~~It's a girl!!~~