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Husband has baby fever...I do not.
My H and I got married March 25th, so we've only been married for like 9 months. Before we married, we did some premarital counseling with my dad who is a minister, and one of the things that came up was how he eventually wanted to have at least one child, while I couldn't even see myself having one (nor did I have any desire to pop one out). I told him that even though in this stage of my life (and I'm only 21.) I didn't want any children, that didn't mean that once I did some more growing up within myself I'd still feel the same way. So I said that eventually we would have a baby, but I wanted to wait 5 years at the least. And he AGREED to that. So we get married, and maybe two months later, the baby fever starts hitting him. And as the months went on, it got worse and worse. He started begging me to go off of my BC. Asked friends at work if there was any way I could get pregnant even though I'm on the BC. Asked my DAD if it were a sin to be on it (wow.). And basically he has called me selfish and has made me feel like crap about not giving him what would make him happy; not to mention BADLY pressured to rush into a baby. But I'm proud of myself because this is probably the ONE thing I am absolutely adamant (spelling?) about.
I guess what I'm looking for is just some advice. He has been kinda quiet about the baby thing for a few weeks now...but I'm just waiting for the next round to roll in. Is anyone else in the same position? How do you deal with it?
Re: Husband has baby fever...I do not.
Maybe try to show him how hard life would be with a baby right now? How old is he? If he is much older, maybe he is worried about being an "old" dad? How much money do you both bring in? Could you really afford a baby right now? Do you want to travel first? There are things you can't do once you have a baby, and maybe he doesn't realize that.
Just try to talk to him, WITHOUT making him feel like the bad guy. (IE, instead of saying "You are pressuring me into having a baby and I don't want one right now." say something like "I know you want kids, and I do too, but not right now. I would rather *insert goal here* first." (such as "save more money," "go on a big trup," "get my career started," "enjoy time with you as a couple.))
Good luck!
I would be SO pissed if my H was doing what your H is doing! Talk about selfish and disrespectful. Geez. Involving your dad in your marital issues, no, just no. I would be livid if my H mentioned the state of my uterus to my dad!
You are 21 years old! Is he the same age as you or older? Why the rush? Have you two sat down and had a talk about this (since you got married)? It sounds like he's letting his excitement get in the way of everything else. He needs to come back to earth.
I didn't even want to think about babies until I was 25/26. I'm 27 now. No babies yet. I have me some baby fever though. H and I are waiting until we've been married 4-5 years though (we're at 3.5 years now). So we chat every once in a while and see where we both are on our readiness. We want to be on the same page and do this when we're both ready because we're a team.
Uh, you already brought your Dad into this situation when you agreed to use him as a premarital counselor. As a counselor, I hope he reminded your H what you two had discussed. There are lots of religious people who do think that BC is a sin, so it's not really a crazy question for someone to ask a religious leader http://bit.ly/12Uz1aE
I have to say that it's fine for your H to want a baby right now. It's NOT fine for him to blab your reproductive situation around to other people and try to pressure you into having a child.
Do you go in for an annual exam for your BC? If so, how about the discussion that pp suggested about "I would like to _____, ______, and ______ before we try to have a child." Then agree to re-visit the issue the week before your annual next year. That way he has a time line when he knows you'll discuss it again. Otherwise, you're just going to always shut him down, and that's incredibly frustrating for him.
Also, if he's been quiet about it for a few weeks, perhaps the fever has passed?? Or he realizes he's been a total jerk about it and is trying to keep his baby fever under control.
Sit down and talk about any financial goals you may have (pay off any debts, have X amount into savings, buy a new family-friendly car without a loan, start a 401K, etc.), or any BIG trips you'd like to take pre-baby (Europe, Australia, etc.)
Or personal goals. For me, it is to graduate college, run a marathon, and climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. It doesn't have to be "extreme", it could be simple things like finish a DIY home project, or go on more dates with your husband.
Lastly, while children are a blessing they are a life-changing commitment. My sister recently mentioned to me that while she had slight baby-fever before, she's losing it because she really enjoys staying up late to drink with friends and doesn't want to be a on a schedule when she's not working. A lot of new parents become sleep-deprived with the late-night feedings and whatnot. Personally, I do not do well when I am hungry or sleep deprived. You BOTH have to be ready for the "worst".
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We were barely engaged before my husband started talking about kids. I even caught him staring and smiling at group of children playing on the playground at Burger King while he ignored my conversation. I am on the same baby train as you. I am only 23 and would like to be 28 before we have our first child. I am understanding thought, because he is 28 right now and doesn't want to be a 60 year old father. What I did to show him that it wasn't the right time was I broke down our finances for him and showed him that it would be almost irresponsible for us to have kids now. Also, the next time we went to Wal-Mart, I took a trip down the baby isle and showed him how much everything costs. The bottom line is you are the one that will have to carry the child and be the primary care giver. If you are not ready, it just won't happen.
Whoa! Something my best friend always warns me (as I walk by baby aisles at Target) is kids cost at least 10 grand a year. Whether or not that's by the numbers realistic, it does remind myself (and DH) that we are in no position to have kids.
We borrow nieces and nephews when we get baby fever- one weekend (even with our favorites) and we were over it.
Good for you that you are staying strong about it- kids aren't something you do to PLEASE someone else. Shame on him for trying to guilt you into that!
I wish marriage didn't have to be a stepping stone to babies. Personally, I am in love with the idea of starting a family with my husband. I can't wait. But I'm 24 and he's 38. Although he never pressures me, it's obvious that he's ready, and I'm the one who wants to wait. I am withholding my uterus. I am the one who ultimately decides not to pop those BC pills one day. It's a lot of pressure, no matter how you look at it.
You're young - you have SO much life ahead of you. As bad as this sounds, this is the time of your life to be selfish. Do things for YOU. Travel to a foreign country. Go back to school. Start a new hobby. Apartment/house hunt and design it to be yours. Job search. Anything you can do to make a better you, will make you a better wife, and mother in the future. You're very young. You still need time to find out who YOU are!
All the relationship problems aside, I would really start getting the shot or something that he can't mess with. I would be too paranoid that he will "misplace" your pills or something.
But yes, he sounds crazy. He promised you something and he's going back on that promise. Not to mention there's nothing selfish about wanting to wait for the right time to have a baby. You want to do it when you're ready - which means ultimately you want to do it when you're the best mom possible. I don't see how that's selfish.
I would really try to get into counseling for these issues. It honestly sounds like he's only going to get worse about it - so my advice would be to definitely not let him bully you into having a kid, because then at least you can leave if he gets worse and worse. And you'll learn a lot about the resiliency of your relationship in that time, so best of luck.