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hello baby! goodbye marriage?
my husband and i welcomed our daughter 6 weeks ago. that was when i realized that i had no idea what love was. since the second she was born she has become my entire world, which is the way it should be. but, ever since she was born it has been like a ticking time bomb. now, to understand why, you have to understand my husband...
he is a 23 year old marine and we have been married for 7 months. we dated for years and met in high school. sure, hes a bit immature, ive been hoping that he will hurry up and grow out of it, but, im still waiting. so, for the past 6 weeks we have just been about to kill each other. all he does is sit around and he doesnt help me with the baby and he doesnt help me with the cleaning and all he does is complain saying that im not affectionate enough... newborns happen to be extremely demanding, not to mention the combined 6 hours a day that i spend breast pumping and all the other hours are filled with other baby related things. so, yea, i barely have time to brush my teeth let alone fool around with him.
he keeps saying that i need to make time for him and that i need to make him feel loved and all this stuff. and all i can think is, "are you serious that big of a child that you are throwing a hissy fit because im not having sex with you? can you really not understand that you are no longer my number one priority and that your sexual needs are so far down on my list its not even funny?" every day, he get angry because of it. most of the time i dont even know it until i ask him something and he just crosses his arms and gives me that angry pouty face (you know that one you get from a 6 year old...) so, then, of course because hes angry for no reason i get angry because of how rediculous he is. and we end uo not speaking all day... im not going to lie, im not the same person i was before we had the baby. im all buisness now. i really dont care that hes upset, i know that sounds cruel, but i just feel like he should be able to deal with that... 
im sure that ill get back to my old self once i can really get the hang of this mommy thing, but, im pretty sure thats gong to take a while. ive tried, i really have. ive tried to strech myself more and make time to make him feel warm and fuzzy, but i just cant yet. and in the mean time i really do expect him to self soothe.
call me cold, call me heartless, but im doing the best i can. and i just want him to just tough it out until it gets easier. i want him to wake up at night, i want him to take her so i can get a shower. i want him to STOP THROWING HISSY FITS! i dont need another child to take care of, i need a husband. is this normal? i thought he would kinda grow up a bit once she was born. i dont feel like he has the bond with her like i do, and that freaks me out.
and then he tells me, "i dont know if i can go another two weeks..." implying that if i didnt make time for sex every day that he would leave... ARE YOU KIDDING ME YOU SELFISH PIG?
OR, am i just really not good at this multitasking thing. am i just too mean to fake a happy face all the time? does everyone else do that? should i actually be happy all the time? i know that something is wrong, i just dont know how to fix it.
Re: hello baby! goodbye marriage?
Uhmmm has your doctor even cleared you for sex yet ? When did he start asking you for sex ?
What does he say when you ask for help, nicely ? Does he outright refuse ?
I personally wouldn't come out and say that having sex with him is way way down on your priority list. I would just calmy say that it is hard making yourself imtimately vulnerable to someone who cares so little about your well being. Sex isn't just for him, but for you too because you also want to enjoy it. However, you can't when you are sleep deprived, exhausted, hormonal and well you need to take a friggin shower. You also can't enjoy sex when you have a lot of very justified resentment towards him.
Tell him he needs to help you. Be specific if you have to. Tell him to change diapers, do dishes, give the baby a bottle, do laundry. Tell him. If he doesn't know how to do it, then show him. You also need to be direct too. Again, don't yell or be angry, just say " Put 4 oz of formula in the baby's bottle and give it to her."
His comments about not thinking he can wait another two weeks is just cruel and manipulative. How dare he say something like that. Again, you might not even be cleared for sex yet and when you do have sex, it might be painful.
Overall, my advice it so calmly tell him what you need. You need help with the baby and patience and understanding when it comes to sex. Be specific with what you need from him and again, don't say it in anger. If he still refuses to help, then you can possibly bring in a marriage counselor and see if there is a future here. It certainly couldn't hurt. However, I do have to say, if you decide you don't want to spend the rest of your life like this, I wouldn't blame you. Your husband is acting like a grade A jerk right now.
You could possibly be having post partum depression, I don't know. That is something to discuss with your dr. However, I think what you need overall is help and your husband needs to step up. Will he ? Don't really know.
No, you shouldn't be happy all the time and I think you are doing fine with multitasking. Having a newborn is an incredibly difficult time for a lot of people. Personally, the newborn period is very difficult for me and I even have a great husband that helpes out a lot. I couldn't imagine how hard it would be if I didn't have him so my heart goes out to you.
I advised her to pack it in and go. she's got quite the can of worms there and wow, how dare he demand sex!
Yeah I read it after I posted.
I can understand giving the marriage another shot by trying counseling, maybe communucating better. However, I just don't know. OP, I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope of this lasting.
Just because you had your baby doesn't turn your DH into a sperm donor. Now, if you're not cleared for "activity" then OF COURSE don't do it. And I get needing that break (both pysically and from the fact that you're exhausted), and I get that you give ALL of yourself to your infant. He is definitely being immature and selfish, (not helping, pouting, not understanding his TEMPORARY position as #2) but from what you posted, so are you. It's one thing to not have mastered this "multi-tasking" thing, it's a whole other to say "you and your needs mean absolutely nothing to me and that's not changing any time in the forseeable future"
Any marriage therapist will tell you that the spouse should be #1. before kids, before family members, before friends, before career - Spouse is #1. Granted, everyone is in survival mode and baby is #1, tied with your own health and wellbeing. However, you're going to need to rediscover what "love is" in relation to your DH and wrap your head around the point made above in the very near future.
Two recommendations: "babyproofing your marriage" and the "For his eyes only/For her eyes only" (companion set). You are BOTH taking absolutely the wrong stance in your marriage post baby and if you'd like for your kid to grow up with both parents you'll BOTH need to address your respective issues.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye