Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Advice please!! Would you be annoyed??
Hi, this is a long story and hard to type all from my phone. But basically I could really use some advice on a situation. My bro recently got married to a girl that he's been dating for many years. There has been on and off issues I guess you'd say which I won't go into. However, about one year ago my husband and I moved into a new home... Prior to that we lived in a very modest house for the first yr of our marriage and were able to buy some very nice furniture including a sectional from pottery barn( which we purchased w our wedding money) and other nice things. Now flash forward til now and they just bought a house and were constantly asking questions and comparing square footage , cost etc. constantly coming over and literally scouting out our house and everything in it. Well I found out that they ordered the exact same couch, a dining table that looks exactly the same and same media wall unit. Then now they were over analyzing our wooden shutters and guess what? Ordering them... I know I may sound bitchy and petty however I feel like its a competition and they are blatantly copying everything to a t without even asking us... I would be embarrassed. I would like if our house wasn't a spitting image of theirs when i spent a lot of time and effort decorating our home. It's also to the point where I'm extremely uncomfortable as I feel everything has become them trying to "one up" us so to speak. Would this bother you and what should I say or do? Just yesterday they came by and wanted to see our bedroom and questioning our bedroom furniture. Please help
Re: Advice please!! Would you be annoyed??
Yes, it would bother me.
But I don't think you have the right to say anything. Even though it's really annoying, they have the right to buy whatever they want for their home. Even if it is the same thing that is in your home.
If you want to say something to them, you certainly can, but I doubt it would do any good. They obviously know they are buying the same things as you and don't seem to care.
Honestly, no this wouldn't bother me. I would take it as they liked my taste. I for one am not good with decorating, matching colors, finding accessories, etc so yeah if I see a room I like and think will work well in my home, I might try to match it.
Well I take that back. I think it is a bit wierd that they are trying to match everything, but I wouldn't say anything.
I also don't know how they are one upping you if they are buying the exact thing ? I would think one upping would involve buying something better.
Not annoyed..at first I'd be flattered that they liked my style. Then, yes, I'd be weirded out. Asking to see someone's bedroom is weird. Just weird. That's private space IMHO.
Also, if they need decorating ideas or help have them sign up for Pinterest, look at design catalogs or go to www.houzz.com
Point them to these places.
Look - its weird. Especially if she doesn't like you. But - what can you do? People will either think she emulates you, or they'll find it weird too. It doesn't reflect poorly on you at all.
ETA: if you want to say anything, kill her w/ compliments. "oh, I love this couch. It looks so much like ours!". "These dishes- are they the same as ours? I lvoe them!". "You seem to have such similar taste as me!".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Chances are they just like your style. It wouldn't bother me honestly so no I would not be annoyed. People come into my home and generally like my decor style, ask me where it's from, etc. It's flattering. Decorating is something I am proud of so when it's recognized then it's nice.
Honestly nothing like this sounds like "one ups". If you asked them to stop it would only come off childish and even a bit insecure. If it bothers you that much then just say you can't remember where you got it. But that all seems kind of pointless since now a days google has all the answers...
If they asked me where I got something, I'd start saying things like, "O. Do you like them? I'll sell them to you for $. They're so outdated now I'd really love to get something better that's more in style. I just saw a really awesome one at ______ that I'd love to have instead."
The catch is that you have to actually be willing to sell for that amount.
Bonus points if the "really awesome" one you want is crappy, ugly, tacky, etc. Double bonus points if they actually purchase it.
Mwahahahahaha!
No I wouldnt be annoyed. But you obviously are. I probably would give a snarky comment to my brother, to kind of get the point across that it bothers me. He seriously might not have any idea. Then next time they ask you about where you got something say "I'd rather not say" or maybe just "I dont remember".
I personally would be flattered though. Heck I am still flattered when my sister and MIL ask for advice about interior design. Just take it as a compliment. When someone is trying to one-up someone else usually they end up buying "better" things, by either getting an awesome item for a better deal or spending an arm and a leg for something gorgeous. Just depends what is considered "better" to that particular party. Usually its not buying the same thing though. Maybe you just see it as a competition? Why do you think they are trying to one-up you?
How is it "competition", though? if you were in a store, saw a couch and said "I like it and want to buy it" and then they went and bought it before you- THAT is competition.
But buying what you already own.... it's just copying you. Yes, it's weird if it's really "everything" as you say it is, but it's copying you.
And how does it really harm you? It doesn't. I'd compliment them on their taste and how clearly they like the same stuff you do - but criticizing them over it (don't you have a mind of your own) isn't necessary.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Well since you bought some of the items at Pottery Barn, I don't really think you have a leg to stand on with your originality claim. Pottery Barn has beautiful items that appeal to millions of people. They also display it perfectly. Those items appealed to them just like they appealed to you. It happens. I seriously doubt they are going out of their way to copy your home, they simply have similar tastes and seeing the items displayed in your home probably gave them the push to buy it as well.
I tend to just worry about myself and my family. Thats why I don't care. It's not my problem if someone copies my style. Just seems like such an insignificant thing to worry about...live and let live and enjoy your own life. The second you just let go then you care about your own originality and not anyone else's....or lack of.
I'd be annoyed by them talking about comparing square footage and cost between their home and yours- when that happened, I'd say something akin to "How nice," and change the subject. If they kept pushing the topic, I'd probably say something like, "This is more detail than I need to know- we both have lovely homes, let's not compare."
If they say they want to come over and see your bedroom or measure your shutters or whatever, I think standard rules apply- if someone asks to see your bedroom and you don't want to show them, say no. If they ask you where you bought something and how much it cost and you don't recall or don't want to tell them, say "I don't remember." If you don't like the way conversations and visits go when you're with them, don't get together with them as often.
As far as them copying your style though- honestly, I put a lot of thought and time into decorating my home too, and there are definitely rooms in my house that look like... millions of other homes owned by people who like Pottery Barn or Pier 1. Pottery Barn hits the magic combination of appealing to lots of people without looking bland. I like my stuff, but I don't think I'm particularly original.
Honestly I think it's only a competition in your mind. What adults with their own homes and families really spend time trying to one up each other with furniture? I think you're reading too much into it.
And yeah, there is zero original about anything home decor related you buy in a store, especially Pottery Barn. Unless you're making it yourself or having it custom designed, you're just one of thousands with the same piece of factory manufactured furniture.
A brother? I honestly wouldn't care.
I wouldn't be annoyed, I'd look at it as flattery.
However, since you are annoyed, there are one or two (admittedly passive aggressive) things you could do about it.
1) Anytime someone compliments anything in your house or their house pipe up with "Isn't it great? We got one X years ago, and Brother liked it so much they got one too!"
2) Start lying to them about where you got things. No one said you had to be complacent in their investigations.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
Honestly, I would be annoyed. Yes, imitation is the best form of flattery, but it would be annoying to have someone duplicate every single item- the picture wall is especially creepy. I could see if you had a one off item, like a couch that was going to work really well in their space or a wall unit that was just the right size for their TV, etc., but to copy everything is weird.
I wouldn't let them scout my house anymore if I were you- just make some excuses- oh, no our room is full of laundry, etc. or bean dip them. Yeah, we're happy with the couch have you tried the bean dip?
Or, if you want to be really passive aggressive, just say you can't remember to all questions- eventually it will be obvious that you're not going to share.
Annoying? Yes! But, truly it is flattery. You must have great taste, and they must not have a style that is all their own, so they "scout" your place out for ideas. Instead of finding their own flair, they seem content to mimic yours. It may be because you have the most awesome taste ever, or they lack the creativity to create their own personal style with their own space. Either way, you may have to just kindly ask your brother which it is. Does he really admire you that much? or is He not sure of his own decorating style? If it is the former -well receiving a true compliment might soften the annoying part. If it is the latter, maybe you can accompany them as they look for their next purchase. That way you can chime in on good taste - but not have to feel like you are looking at your place when you visit your brother.
Good luck.
I wrote this to your first post, then I read more. I HATE competition stuff with family. At my one (un wed) sister's baby's baptism. My step mother's friend had the nerve to say to my other sister - "Well it looks like they had a baby first" UGH! My Sister was polite but had thought of A) Bursting into tears and saying she and her husband had just learned they couldn't have kids and she was the cruelest person ever! or
Stating "well at least we beat her to the alter."
Which I wish she would have said! Haha
So I loved the idea that you tell anyone that compliments you on your taste - "Oh, thank you, my brother liked it so much he bought the exact same one!" Once word gets around - he may think of stopping.
I also liked the direct - "We both have great homes, we are not in competition" statement.
But honestly, if my sister picked out one item the same as me - okay no big deal - or even two -- but to copy so much - that is just creepy.
I think sale it to them on the spot - is fun -- but only if you think looking for new is fun. If you don't -- then I think you need to drop hints that you'd really rather have bought -- (something ugly) --- and see if they buy it anyway to "one up" you. Then you can laugh about it rather than be annoyed. Good luck.
My first post may have the more reasonable advice. I think my second shows that I totally agree that it would be annoying - as I became quite inspired by the more devious ways of handling it. Go with my first post - it is probably more generous of you, and will not cause as many issues. LOL -- But if the issues occur - then use the other ideas for back up. :-)
I don't think that you should be annoyed at all. I really don't have any decorating style and I am constantly asking my friends about their furniture and other items. Now, if it is a close friend, I will ask about cost, but, if it's not a close friend, I would just then follow up on my own to determine the price.
It sounds to me like you have a style that they envy and you know how to put things together nicely. You can take the "high road" and offer to go shopping with them or to sit down at the computer with them to help them get some great ideas of their own. Perhaps if you inquire about their likes, colors, uses, etc, then you can point them in a direction that will help them determine their own style while they can still look at some of the great stores - like PB - that you used!!
But you find it fun. They might not. I personally hate shopping for stuff like that. If I see something a friend has and I like it, I'd absolutely ask where it came from and then order it online to avoid the hassle. Or maybe they don't feel comfortable trying to get things to look good together. There are a million reasons aside from being competitive that they might be doing this.
I'd stop letting them see anything/visit at all if that's how they want to be.
It would annoy me but there's also nothing stopping them from ordering the same stuff-unless of course you don't let them know what you have