Married Life
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Every hide purchases from hubby?
Does anyone ever hide purchases from hubby? I feel like he is constantely up my butt about things that buy. And before I start coming off as a shop-holic, let me tell you that I am 30 yrs old, have a really good job, have an 850 credit score, no debt, one credit card, one debit card, have a descent savings account, and pay all my bills off in full every month. So I do value the dollar and am really good with money. I dont own a lot of stuff, but now and then I like to treat myself to a new pair of shoes, jewelry, ect. Whenever he see's that I buy something he gets up my butt about it! He'll say things like "Another pair of shoes?" or "how much exactly did you spend on those?", ect. ect. I feel like it shouldn't be any of his business, and I hate having to defend myself everytime I spend a little bit of my own money. I think why I am angry about this is because my whole life my parents were the exact same way when I was growing up. They were the type of people that had really good jobs, but save and hoarded every single penny they earned, and we never went on vacations or had anything nice because they were alway so cheap. Now that I am an adult I shouldn't have to deal with this anymore. Sigh.
Married April 27th 2012
Re: Every hide purchases from hubby?
If you're able to afford the things you're buying for yourself, just be frank about it! I definitely wouldn't hide my purchases if I were you--that could lead to all kinds of complicated trust issues. Just tell your husband, "Yes, I bought a new pair of shoes. I used my fully-functioning adult brain when I decided to buy them."
What do you think makes your husband so uneasy about your extra purchases? Is he worried about money? Are you two saving for something in particular? Is his job stable? There may be something deeper that is causing him to worry about your finances, and a good heart-to-heart may clear it up.
So you're rebelling against your parents and upbringing?
Ditto pp. Have a calm discussion with him to find out why this bugs him so much. Might not be you at all. Perhaps his ex spent all his money for him or something.
Your definition of "decent savings account" might be very different from his.
The more you try to hide things from him, the worse this is going to get.
I wouldn't hide the purchases. He shouldn't be commenting if you don't have a joint account it seems and you can afford it. I would ask him what the problem is (nicely) and then explain you'd appreciate if he didn't make those snarky comments.
I do think that he needs to loosen up a tad BUT if you didn't want to have to share expenses and communicate about them then you shouldn't have gotten married. And yes it is his business if you spend. You guys share bills, cars, a house etc so any money that goes out HAS to be talked about. That is just how it is.
You guys need to learn to compromise and communicate. If you did these things then there wouldn't be an air of resentment.
My H and I have joint accounts. We tell each other if we're buying anything for ourselves that's over $100. I never hide purchases from H though. I have nothing to hide. Unless of course, it's a gift for H.
Do you & your H have separate accounts? Is he worried about money? Does he not trust you for some reason? It sounds like you are thinking only of yourself and not as you & your H being a team money-wise. Have a chat with you H and get to the bottom of this issue. GL.
No I don't "hide" purchases from H, if its under 100.00 I may not mention it. I usually just hand over the receipts or forward the email to him so he can balance the account. I'm a SAHM and I have free rein to buy whatever as long as I'm not going to break us.
You working or not has nothing to do with this. It sounds like he is seeing you come home with purchases all the time. He may just not understand how you are saving or budgeting your money. I've said before I'm not really a fan of spilt accounts, as spouses all money coming in or out should be open and understood by both.
I don't think hiding anything is necessary but I think it might be a good idea to set a threshold of an amount that anything over you share- for example my husband and I share anything we buy that is more than 300$ *we actually discuss it ahead of time so if I am planning a major shopping trip etc then I make sure to do that. We both have good jobs but we want to make sure we stay on track as far as paying off our mortgage and saving for the future
No, I don't hide my purchases. Like someone else here said, if it's a small purchase (like a cup of coffee, which I rarely buy anyway), I won't usually mention it. Then again, I also control the finances, and I'm the saver/tightwad between the two of us.
I can understand his point if you're constantly making small purchases, because those do quickly add up. You need to have a discussion about why he's bothered by your purchases to know where he's coming from. But if he does say things like "another pair of shoes?", he may think that you already have too much and don't need to buy more.
As a married couple, there is no real "my money" and "your money". You are accountable to each other, so it actually is his business to know what you're spending. You also have a right to know what he is spending too.
The easiest solution I see to this is to just set aside some fun money every month. The two of you can come to an agreement on what each of you are allowed to spend every month on whatever you want, but if you can't afford something with the fun money you have, then you wait to buy it until you do have the cash. That way you know what the other is taking out for fun money, but you have the freedom to decide what you spend it on. Just make sure you don't try turn a "want" in to a "need" in order to justify using your regular account to make a purchase instead of the fun money.
I have a close family friend who "hides" purchases from her MIL!! When they were relocating for her DH's job, their new house had 2 more bathrooms. (They've been married for 25 years and have 6 kids.) She purchased bathroom sets (shower curtains, bathmats, etc. for the 2 new baths, but hid them at a neighbors for the week that MIL was "helping" them pack for the move. After 25 years, the MIL still thinks she's a gold-digger!
I think that anytime your spouse's repeated remarks hurt your feelings, it needs to be discussed. Maybe he thinks he's doing a good thing by mentioning that he's noticed. You could be reading more into than he's intending. As long as you are able to afford the purchases (not just your bills - but future savings), you shouldn't feel you have to justify them!
It sounds like you are being responsible with your spending, so it shouldn't bother him, but obviously it does, so there's probably a compromise that you can both live with without having to hide anything from each other.
Like several PPs mentioned, perhaps you can agree on a price limit that you basically have carte blanche with, and then anything over that amount, you discuss buying together. That way, he's comfortable with knowing you aren't out blowing money, and you're comfortable that he's not questioning you on every little thing you buy.