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Now what?
Long story short:
Married in 03, baby in 06, marriage counseling from 06 - 10. During that time he developed alcoholism, didn't take counseling seriously (or didn't show up at all). WE argued, grew apart, finally in September of 10 he moved out after yet another huge blow up.
Went through hell over the next year and a half, his alcoholism hit an all time high/low - whatever you want to call it and his actions were horrible. We have 60/40 custody of our two girls - he's a great dad, but was a horrible husband for many reasons.
Finally last spring/early summer he decided to get sober. Still not divorced....he goes to AA etc.
Well now he wants to make things work. I do love him but don't think I can get over the past. He is different in many ways, yet the same in many ways. He is dating someone else, so am I...but the person I am dating is just a filler. I care about him deeply but it's a different kind of love than I had with H.
Would you even give it a shot?
Re: Now what?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
NEVER
Been there done that would never want to go back!
My father was an alcoholic but has been in recovery for many years. I hated him and it took me a long time to forgive him. We have a much better relationship now and he is the best Grandpa ever. With that being said, I don't know how my mom managed. She was with him until she passed away 2 years ago. I know I saw a lot as a child but I also know that there is a lot I didn't see as well. I'm not trying to sway you one way or another. I'm just letting you know that there are cases (albeit rare) where people can heal and move on. It took me so long to forgive my Dad....but for me it was easier because I don't have to live with him. If my husband were to do the same thing I just don't know if I could forgive him and move on.
Good luck to you whatever you decide.
Why are you continuing to date someone that you describe a merely a filler? Look I understand you don't love him like you do your husband, but for heavens sake, if you don't see a future with the man you are dating, then do right by him and break up.
How would you like it if you were simply some guys " filler" or better than nothing ?
As far as your husband is concerned ? Does he still use pot ? Did he ever get a job ? Is his living space still a disaster ?
he's probably looking good to you because you have nobody in the picture. Do yourself a favor: forget this guy and move on. Find somebody else.
If he's only been sober for 6-9 months he's not advised to be in ANY relationships. He's still stabilizing. People can change. People can grow. Sometimes there's irreparable damage. Sometimes the people hurt can forgive and relationships are truly restored. Only you know where you guys will fall on this spectrum. I think it's too early to tell. Don't rush back into a relationship with him. In fact, I'd recommend not being in any relationship so you can focus on yourself and any therapy YOU need to recover from the abuse of his alcoholism.
Have you been to Al-Anon yet? There are MANY MANY women & men who have been through this. Some stayed. Some left. Some are with partners still drinking, others sober. Consider going to a meeting and talking about your story. See what happens.
No and how ridiculous that he dating someone and asking you to give him another chance. You are the filler in his mind. He does not have a long enough track record to even consider going through that ordeal again, especially for the sake of your children who are now older and can remember/see more of a damaged relationship. Wait to file until you have 10 years of marriage, it affects SS benefits if in the future for you it is an option. Then break up with your filler guy, go to Al Anon, make a nice life for yourself and your girls, and then maybe begin to date someone who is actually a man you want to be with in the future.
The only shot I would take with that guy is a heel to the head if I thought it was a good idea.