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What do you do when your family strongly opposes your BF's chosen profession? (Kind of long, sorry)
So I've been dating my boyfriend for about 4 months. I am 25 and he is 28. I am crazy about him and he is crazy about me. I honestly see this relationship lasting for a very long time. (Marriage, I don't know, I don't want to jinx anything and get my hopes up). Anyway. He is currently in school for nursing. However, before he went back to school for nursing, he worked in law enforcement as a guard at a juvenile facility. He chose nursing because he wasn't happy with what he was doing as a guard and he wanted to make a difference in people's lives. His actual dream is to become a cop but he didn't think his chances were good which is why he switched to nursing. He felt job prospects were easier for nurses than cops.
However, he has realized that nursing is not for him and he is repeatedly drawn back to law enforcement. His dream is to become a police officer so I encouraged him to go after his dreams and switch careers. So that is what he has decided to do.
This is my only issue. My family (and by this I mean my parents) absolutely HATE cops. They abhor, detest, despise cops. Any synonym for hate you can think of, pretty much. My parents have had bad experiences with them and they think all cops are power-hungry jerks.
They know about my BF's previous experience as a guard and they said they were glad he switched to nursing. I once told my father (to test his reaction) that my BF had considered becoming a cop before switching to nursing. My father's reaction? "Good because if he had become a cop, I wouldn't have let him in my house." I knew that my father couldn't stand cops but even I was taken aback by his response. So I jokingly said "Oh yeah right, that's a bit extreme."
And my father said "No, I'm completely serious."
Then I started trying to defend cops in general and explaining why they weren't as bad as he thought. And my father literally starts YELLING at me, saying things like "Don't tell me that all cops aren't the same and that I haven't met every cop in the world!" and basically ranting about how they are just world-class jerks. He used much stronger language than that, but I'll refrain from repeating it here.
I guess what I'm asking for, is advice on how to deal with the family fallout that I know is inevitable. I love my parents but I do NOT agree with their views on law enforcement and cops. I've told my BF about it and warned him of my family's reaction. I've also told him that I don't care what my parents say on this issue, I will stand behind him no matter what. I just want him to be happy in his career.
So my question is this. What can I say that will possibly, if at all, not cause my parents to fly into a fit of rage? What I'm most afraid of is that they will not allow my BF to come visit their house. Or they will not speak to him at family get-togethers, etc. Basically I'm afraid that they will ostracize him.
I would be so devastated if this happened because I want my family to approve of the man that I love. My BF is the most amazing, wonderful man and I love him so much. I can't imagine my family not loving him and it just seems too crazy to think about!
So have y'all ever dealt with this issue before? Do you have any advice for me? Thanks in advance! 
Re: What do you do when your family strongly opposes your BF's chosen profession? (Kind of long, sorry)
That's tough, and I'm sorry that you have to go through it. And here I was thinking you were going to say your BF worked the mob or was a male stripper or something.
Honestly, if your parents hate cops that much, I don't think there is anything you can say that won't make them angry. If they don't want him over as a result, that is their decision. Ultimately, they really just need to grow up. I don't know what kind of experiences they could have possibly had that would make them hate cops that bad, but they are being immature and unreasonable to automatically project their hate on your boyfriend for pursing his passion.
You don't have to answer this, but out of curiousity, what type of situations have your parents found themselves in that led them to hate cops? There will always be some bad apples, but most cops I have met try to treat people with respect. In my experience, people tend to not like cops because they don't like the answers/solutions they were given, even though the police did everything they were legally allowed to do.
You may have to prepare yourself for the worst. If this relationship works out for the long term, they will either have to accept that he is now a part of the family and accept him so as not to ostracize you, or else risk not seeing you so often. Until long-term becomes more of a reality, you might consider not telling your parents about your BF's change of mind. You can't hide it from them forever, but I don't see why they need to know anything in the near future. Hopefully, if this relationship does work out, your parents will come around.
LOL! Yeah, I can see why you were thinking of the mob or stripper thing
I know that my parents are being unreasonable. I've even discussed this with my older brother and he agrees with me. So luckily, I will have my brother and sister-in-law's support. The thing is, my parents are the type to hold grudges and they've never been very rational when it comes to certain things.
You asked what kind of situations my parents found themselves in. When my mom was 8 months pregnant with my older brother (he's 26 now), my father got into a minor accident at work and was taken to the hospital. My mother was understandably upset and frantic to get to the hospital so she was speeding on the freeway. A cop pulled over and when my mother tried to explain, he didn't believe her and delayed her even more. He ended up giving her a ticket for speeding and since then, my mother has hated cops. And over the years, my parents both have been pulled over for minor traffic violations. Things like speeding, etc and each time, the cop gave them a ticket and/or apparently had a sarcastic and rude attitude.
That's the thing that drives me nuts about all this. It's not like my parents are criminals that actually have reason to hate cops, they are just regular people! My rationale is that my parents have just been unlucky but this does not mean every single cop is a bad apple. Sigh.
I just wish my parents could see this. I am trying to prepare myself for the worst and if it comes down to them making me choose between my boyfriend and them...I'll choose my boyfriend, no doubt about it. I'm that confident in our relationship, which seems a little crazy since we've only been together for 4 months. But that's how I feel. Plus this issue is so ridiculous to fight over, which makes it even easier to side with my boyfriend, even if I didn't love him so much.
As for telling them about his new career change, it will have to be done at some point, fairly soon. Every time my BF sees my family, they ask him about school and his classes. And I don't want him to have to lie just for me. Plus he's already switched his major to criminal justice and he hopes to be attending mandate school in the summer. And by this December, he hopes to be a full-fledged police officer!
I feel like that the more time that goes by, my parents will be even angrier and feel that I lied to them about it, which is why I'm thinking about telling them sometime next month.
I agree with PP, that if your family is that strong about their hate of cops, nothing you say is going to change that... in the short term. Maybe, if they can grow up a little and put past experiences aside, they can learn to be in the same room with him, and grow to eventually like him.. long term.
In the mean time, expect a lot of resistance. If you see the relationship really going somewhere then stick to your guns about it. There is no reason for a family to be outright disrespectful to someone simply because of an honorable profession like law enforcement (male stripping, escort, mob.. yes, then they can hate on him all they want).
You also need to make sure you don't burn bridges with your family all over a boyfriend. By that I mean, there's a kind way to respect their wishes of not wanting him in their house, and there's a way to make this all into a huge family feud. If you two should break up, it would not be good to have long-term scars from family fights over a temporary boyfriend.
As far as what to say..you know your parents best, and know what will set them off. I think the key here is to be respectful to them always, while still standing your ground. Maybe they will follow your lead, and not be so immature about it all.
When I got pregnant after 5 months with my boyfriend, his family freaked out. He has stood up for us as a family of our own, always firmly but not harsh or mean. Over the year and a half they have gotten better. I'm not sure if I'll ever get over feeling like an insider after all the hurtful things they said behind our backs.
I guess that leads me to my last point. If things do work out with this boyfriend and you end up getting married down the road and if parents should end up getting along with him, don't expect a fuzzy relationship. There will probably be long lasting hurt from their quick judgement.
GL.
Your parents have gotten a few minor speeding tickets and hate all cops because of that? Your parents are idiots. Sorry. But they are.
Anyhow. All i can say is defend/ explain as minimally as you can. Don't fight w/ them, don't argue, etc. I feel the less you say/do, the bigger impact it might actually have.
You tell them and they flip out? Start screaming? Tell you that he'll never be welcome in their home? At most, all I'd say is "I'm really saddened that his being a "cop" is more important to you than him - the PERSON that you actually have gotten to know and you know is important to your daughter", then I'd leave.
Respond to "he can't come over" w/ "As I expected. Sorry I won't be able to see you"
Simply say "You have a right to your opinions just as I have a right to mine" if they get pissed that you "dare" to no longer see them either.
Say it all calmly and w/ resignation. Don't get angry. Just "state the facts" and then hang up the phone, leave the room - whatever.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So your parents are obviously irrational idiots and you think you can fix this somehow. Sorry, it looks like they will have to hate your BF.
Just like with any profession you have good cops and bad cops. However, cops are human and they will give back attitude when they get attitude. I wonder how your parents attitudes were while dealing with this mean cops.
If you really love your BF you will support him on his chosen career and tell your parents to deal with it. If you two get serious and move in together, get married or whatever, tell your parents your expectations of his treatment. They will be nice, respectful and will not be rude to him. If at anytime they aren't these things, get up and leave. Repeat until they get the idea that you and him are a package deal. Just don't expect this will happen overnight, they are unjustly biased against anyone who is a cop. I wonder who they would call if they needed help, Ghostbusters?
Yeah ECB, is right. Your parents are dumb. I know that is hard to hear, but it is the truth. However, I can understand. Once I realized that my dad is just an overall dumb person, life was less frustrating and confusing for me.
ECB also had a good point of not trying to convince or argue with your parents. That only gives them the impression that they have a say in the matter and they don't.
They say he isn't invited to their home ? Laugh at them and say say ok, but you won't be coming without him.
Seriously, if they refuse to let him in their home and ostracize him at family gatherings, they will be the ones that look like absolute fools and will embarass themselves. You just hold your head up high and ignore their nonsense. Actually if they do make a big scene in front of other people, I would have a hard time not laughing at them.
This is a tough one. Actually, they should be minding their business and saying NOTHING.
So your parents acquired some speeding tickets because they were speeding and now all cops are the devil? Yeah, dude, you're parents are crazy or stupid, possibly both.
Anyway, I don't think there's anything you can do to change their minds. Trying to convince them that cops are not inherently evil is just going to end in a blow up argument that you will not win every single time.
If they can't accept your bf's career path, then they can't accept it. The first time they say he can't come to the house or try to throw him out or something, tell them "That's fine, but since we're a social unit, by dis-inviting him, you're dis-inviting me, so I won't be joining you for dinner after all". Then leave. Immediately. If you want to stand by your bf, then you have to stand by him every time without fail, and not give your parents an inch.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
I expected a much better than reason than some traffic tickets!!! Weird.
My parents actually don't have a great love for cops either, but their feelings do not at all approach the way your parents feel. And--my parents have a much better reason!
When they were in their early 20s they moved to Mississippi to work for civil rights. The local police hated them for that and constantly harrassed them, pulled them over, looked at them, smirked, kicked out a tail light, then wrote them a ticket for the broken taillight, etc. And this happened to my parents ALL the time for the two years they lived in Mississippi.
Comparing my parents to yours, I am going to say your parents are being completely unreasonable about this. So I think that makes it easier for you. Stand by your boyfriend, but I do think proceed with caution. It would be a shame to cause permanent damage to your relationship with your parents for a guy who could be out of the picture in a couple of months, but on the other hand they MUST respect you and your choices. Good luck to you!
Thanks everyone, for your replies. Yes, my parents are unreasonable and irrational but I still love them. However, they will not dictate my love life. My boyfriend is planning on entering the police academy this summer so I plan on telling my parents then. No sense in saying anything until he's actually in the academy anyway.
I liked all of the suggestions and plan on using them if necessary. Thanks!