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WWYD Funerals and 4yr old??
My Grandfather passed away this afternoon. I haven't brought myself to tell Adam just ye,. I want to be somewhat held together myself when I do so I am giving myself some time...
But I am not sure what to do about the viewings and funeral.
My first instinct is to MAYBE do one viewing with him as not to shelter him totally since it is a part of life he will only have to deal with eventually. (He still has 2 Great Grandma's and 4 Grandparents....) But then to leave him with someone for the rest and the actual Funeral.
He does know that people die- and cats, my mom lost one last year...So I am ok with telling him "Great Grandpa went to heaven" and I know he will "understand"
I just don't know what to do about the rest. If it were anyone else i wouldn't take him at all. But since it is a close family member I am torn.
I was in 4th grade and my sister was about his age when our other Grandpa passed. We went to the viewing but were scheduled to go Camping with these Grandparents during the funeral and everyone felt it be best to keep those plans.
We were also at the house with him when he passed because my mom was helping to take care of him.
Thank you for your opinions!!!
Re: WWYD Funerals and 4yr old??
I agree with this.
I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather.
My FIL passed away in October and my 5-year-old niece attended the evening viewing (only one day of viewings) and the funeral service. I think she did very well. She made him a card and put it in the casket. The next day she made another card and said it was for him to give to Jesus when he gets to heaven (so cute). I feel weird saying this, but she was a good distraction for the sadness that was going on (very unexpected passing).
I believe she had some things to keep her busy in another room.
First, I am so sorry. Loss is hard.
I think it differs from family to family and kid to kid. I do remember going to funerals as a child, including my grandfather, (but I was 8 then.) I have been to family funerals where smaller kids are present. I think it is a good opportunity to teach Adam about life and death and a family supporting each other through sadness, as well as appropriate behavior at funerals. (No running around rough housing, etc.) If you think he can handle those things then take him to what your comfortable with. With that said, it is a very long time to be in one place.
To help you think through it... Is there a relative (maybe from your H's side) who could maybe come to the funeral home while he is there, stay for a bit, and then take him home with them so that he doesn't have to stay the whole time? Is there a children's room at the funeral home? (Lots of places have them now.) Are there older cousins who could help watch him while you greet people? Is there a break or is it one marathon greeting time? These would all be things to consider.
I would be careful about taking him to the first viewing if that is the first time you all will be seeing your Grandpa's body. Often this is a time of intensified displays of grief as the reality sinks in (again.) You know yourself and your family best, but you may want to protect him from that raw emotion, as well as giving other family members the chance to grieve honestly without upsetting a small child. I don't think you should hide the fact that you and the family are sad, but it may be pretty upsetting to see everyone weeping and wailing and inconsolable. (Again, you know your family and yourself and their reactions best.) It may be best if someone could bring him a little later, or, maybe someone could keep him in the other room until a little bit of composure is gained.
Trust your gut. Make plans to have him there or not, but have contingencies in case you need them. Its OK to change your mind in either direction.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss. It is never easy to lose someone that you love. If I can help with anything else, please let me know.
Hugs,
Dena
Thank you all for your opinions and sympahy.
Dena Thank you for your reply. You brought up some good points. After thinking about it some more roday I had also decided might be better to not have him there right away, never thinking that it would be harder at that time on all of us.
I am still taking it all into consideration. I am also contacting my SIL who lives resonably close who I know he will be ok with to watch him if needed.
We are only doing viewings one day so that helps a little with planning.
Thanks again!
Married, September 23, 2006
Jackson was two when my grandma and uncle died. I didn't take him to any viewings, but my family wanted him at the funeral, and I kind of wanted him to be there for something, so he did go to the funeral.
He behaved very well, and on such a depressing it was nice to have someone who brought my grandma (and still brings my family) a lot of joy and laughs there to make us smile on a day when we all wanted to cry.
I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. Your family will be in my prayers.
Last March we lost my FIL and my Grandmother. Brinley's birthday was right between them, so she was almost 3 for one and 3 for the other. We took her to both viewings. And I'm glad that we did. She provided a bit lightness to the sad day. There were also kids rooms at each funeral home. My parents were at my FIL's viewing to give DH and I a break when we needed it. And they stayed in the car with both kids at the cemetary funeral.
For my grandmother, she was also at teh viewing and it was the same thing. It gave us a chance to talk about heaven. The next day for the funeral my dad's sister watched the kids.
So I say yes to the viewings and no to the funerals if you can help it.
Eleni was at her great grandma's funeral last spring (so she was 4). She was really well behaved. Curious about a lot of things but everyone was so happy to see her there. We brought along her leap pad so she could have something to sit and play with along with a few small princess figures or ponies or something. I am glad to have included her. My parents always shielded me from these things and I never experienced one for myself until I was a teenager and at that age it was all so foreign and scary to me. (it was the funeral of a girls father who I knew).
so after having the experience with EJ I am glad to have taken her. all and all she was at the viewing, church after. It was all in one day.
My condolences for your loss. Hugs.
I agree that it is a rather personal decision, and you have to take your kid and the ways of your family at funerals into account.
My kids have been to funerals and the gatherings afterward for 3 great-grandparents and their grandfather. Neither DH's family nor mine has extended viewing periods, so we've generally brought the kids to those with a bag of activities and the understanding that the parent not related to the deceased will be the primary kid-watcher. Our families are small and live in separate states, so when we are visiting my family for a funeral, there is no one from DH's family nearby to help. We just do our best.
Having taken the kids to quite a few viewing and funerals at varying ages, I have found that they often provide A LOT of comfort and joy to the other mourners there. I personally prefer to have them with me and I don't have a problem crying in front of them. (I'm also a big believer in taking them to family weddings...so YMMV)
Before we go, we remind them of why we are going and that adults will be crying, but we talk about celebrating the life of the person who passed. And I always bring a big bag of entertainment - small toys, coloring books, special snacks, etc. They generally do well at the funerals, too, and there is always someone ready to take them out of the room if needed.
How time flies! Caileigh (9), Keira (6) & Eamon (3)
I'm so sorry about your grandfather, Lisa.
My uncle died a few days before Christmas, and we took DD to one viewing and to the funeral. DH's uncle died a few months before, and we also took her to his funeral.
We've decided not to shelter DD from death, especially when it's close family. She's going to have to deal with deaths throughout her lifetime, and I think it's better that she starts learning about these things now. I also think it probably helped in some way that we had lost a dog a few weeks before and that we had been talking about death and heaven a good bit.
She did very well with the whole process, and I think being there and seeing everything helped her to understand things. I also agree with the other ladies who have said that it adds some happiness to a sad time.
Agree with the majority here -- I'd probably do an evening viewing (not the first one) and the funeral (since in our family they're mostly a church service). DD attended my SIL's funeral at 4 months old. I have never taken them since, but if it was a grandparent or other close relative I would.
My condolences to your family.
Glad I could help. Hugs to you and your family.