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Dealing with ED
So my new BF and I just started having sex. I was surprised that his erection was not very firm and also seemed to come and go, rather than staying hard. We've had both oral sex and intercourse and it has happened during both. I've never experienced anything like this before, so I'm feeling worried. I think it might be ED. He didn't seem nervous about sleeping together or surprised by it himself, so I assume this is normal for him.
Some background: we are both 40 years old and divorced. We've been dating for a few months and have grown to love each other. We are happy together, compatible in so many ways, and openly discuss how we feel we are meant to be together. We have great physical chemistry and are very attracted and turned on by each other. The kissing and foreplay are fantastic.
I've been with other men in their 40's and none of them have had this problem. It is difficult to talk to him about this so early in our relationship. How do I bring it up without making him self-conscious, which I'm worried might make it worse?
Anyone here dealt with this issue? Thanks
Re: Dealing with ED
Erectile problems can foretell problems in other parts/systems of the body --- a couple of things I want to run by:
Is he taking meds, antidepressants, other medications?
Perhaps he needs the dosage adjusted, decreased or needs something else prescribed in that med's place. Certain meds can cause erectile problems. Side effects of meds can include erection problems.
Has he had a full medical checkup lately?
If he isn't on medication and the problem with his erections keeps happening, I urge him to get to a doc for a complete checkup.
He could have a hormonal imbalance, the start of diabetes, a circulatory problem, a cardiac issue or something thyroid-related.
Until otherwise proven, some docs consider a client with an erectile problem clients as a cardiac patient.
You can sit him down -- outside the setting of the bedroom -- and tell him you are worried about his health and why. Suggest that he get a checkup to safeguard his health and you'll go with him, if you wish.
Wishing you luck. It's great of you to be concerned about him.
Thanks for your response. You make good points. He is very health-conscious, eats well, doesn't drink or smoke, works out regularly, surfs, practices Kung Fu, etc. For his age, he is in extremely good shape. As far as I know he does not take any medication, but I will ask.
I think you're right that bringing it up in regards to my concern for his health is the best way to go. I'm dealing with a health scare right now and he's taking the day off work next week to go to the doctor with me, so I think it would make sense for me to inquire about whether he's been checked out by a doctor for this issue.
We both went and got full STD tests before we slept together and all results were negative, so I know he's been seen by the doctor recently, but he may not have mentioned it to his doctor if he's embarrassed about it.
I am concerned for his health and I am also concerned about our sex life. Intercourse was not terribly satisfying for me and emotionally it's kind of hard to deal with seeing him lose his erection. It makes me feel like what I'm doing isn't working or turning him on, even though he acts turned on in all other ways. My last BF, also 40, could sustain his erection for hours. I know that's also unusual, but it's my most recent reference point.
I am concerned for his health and I am also concerned about our sex life. Intercourse was not terribly satisfying for me and emotionally it's kind of hard to deal with seeing him lose his erection. It makes me feel like what I'm doing isn't working or turning him on, even though he acts turned on in all other ways. My last BF, also 40, could sustain his erection for hours. I know that's also unusual, but it's my most recent reference point.
The stigma of "he can't get it up" should be diminished by now -- Viagra and other ED drugs have been on the market for 15 years. Famous men that are very recognizable have been the spokesmen for the drugs. And that's done a lot to erase all the embarrasment and "nonmachoness" of seeing a doc for an erection problem. But yet guys are still too fidgety and embarrassed about seeing a doctor for an ED problem. ED is not just for "old men."
I wish schools would include it in their health ed/sex ed programs why a normal period and a normal erection are highly important and why.
You probably weren't satisfied inasmuch as that you had something to worry about. Nobody wants a Sword of Damocles hanging over their head.
He's got to get to a doc. Good luck; let us know what happens.
Another thought...
Has it been a while since he was having regular sex? I think sometimes men go through a 'use it or lose it' where things that have not been used in a while may not...um...respond as quickly.
My ex-boyfriend (who was in his late 40s) had a difficult time keeping an erection when we first started dating/sleeping together. As things became more regular we stopped having problems with that.
Make a pregnancy ticker
Thanks for all your input, ladies. We have literally just started sleeping together, so we've only had sex twice. I don't know if he's upset by it or not. I know we will talk about it soon, and he has demonstrated in all other ways that he wants to please me and is committed to us, so I'm sure he will be open to getting help if need be.
I was just crestfallen when our first time fell flat.... We'll see.
Good that he's going to a Dr. to get checked out, but the problem could also be nerves. I went through that with DH when we first slept together, for the first couple of times. We both knew the relationship was different from past ones (more serious, more likely to turn into something long term, etc.) and he had some issues too. Turns out he was just nervous cos he liked me so much and once we got over the first few times, it never happened again. He was almost 40 at the time, so similar age, and he had slept with people in the past without that issue. His Dr. Was willing to prescribe him something, but said flat out that they thought it was nerves too as everything checked out medically.
Just remember to be supportive cos it's super embarrassing for guys, even if it is more out in the open. DH said he was so glad I didn't take it in a bad way or freak out with him about it. It made it easier for him to deal with. Good luck
_kje, You were right. We talked about it and he explained that he had just been super nervous. He's fine now and we don't seem to be having that problem anymore.
Glad you aren't either!