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Cheating?
I?m new here and will likely have a few posts coming through as right now I?m just really struggling with some issues and trying to wrap my head around what has happened and what is going to happen. A few months ago my husband of 12 years and I had a pretty big blow up. To the extent that we didn?t speak for the rest of the night (which we?ve never done before) or the next morning, and then he left to go out for the day (something that was already planned). I called my BFF and decided to have a gals day out while he was gone and to just have a good gripe session with my BFF. One thing led to another and while we were out enjoying our afternoon, I began talking to someone and this person ended up spending the rest of the afternoon with us hanging out. I know I was in a bad place because of our fight but I?m shocked that I craved this individual?s attention so much. Physically, we hugged and were a little flirtatious but nothing really beyond that. However, my husband walked in to the place where we were at and caught us hugging ? it was obvious that we were not hugging as just friends but that there was some passion behind it. Naturally, he was terribly upset and we?ve worked these last few months to get beyond it. I have so many questions about how to deal with this and just welcome some advice/input. Was this cheating? What does this mean? I just don?t know why I did this and why I let it get that far. I?m not trying to make excuses but I?ve never seen/talked to this individual again; yet, I can?t help but feel this this has affected my marriage as an affair would.
Re: Cheating?
You crossed a line. I'm not sure I would classify it as cheating but I'm not sure I wouldn't either. I guess you have to ask yourself where this would have gone if your H hadn't walking in on it. Would you have gotten more physical? Would you have started talking online and had an emotional affair? Or was it just flirting to make yourself feel better?
I think if you can be honest with yourself about that, than you can really determine whether or not you were cheating or headed toward it. In the mean time, it would be a good idea for you to get into couples counseling with your H.
I really appreciate your candid feedback. I honestly think that I was just doing that to make myself feel better. I did not give him my number and refused a few offers to go elsewhere with him. He gave me his number but I did not take it. I still think about him often though and wonder why I needed the attention he was giving me that day.
To add to this matter, my husband and I have avoided visiting the place where this occurred since that day. However, now we have family coming into town and they're hosting a fundraiser there next week. I'm sure I can make an excuse not to go but part of me thinks that going back there might be a step in the right direction to help the healing process. It's hard for me to know if that's true b/c it's H that needs the healing and I hate to put him in a situation where he'd be uncomfortable, but I know him - he holds grudges for forever and would never step foot in there again if it were up to him. He's forgiven me and we're past so much of this but I know this is going to be a big step for us.
I don't think you can make him to go back to that spot because you think it be healing. If it's a place where he felt betrayed I think you should leave up to him if he wants to go back there. I'd suggest going to some one on one therapy for yourself, you seem to be concerned about why you felt the need to connect with someone else. Talking to a therapist may help you to put some things in perspective.
You crossed a line, a big one. Is it cheating? It sounds like it might have led to something that would be cheating. Would you have taken it to the next level if your H wouldn't have walked in? If yes, you need counseling alone and marriage with your H. I get having a girl day and throwing back a few beers, this is a different reaction than what most would have. Heck, I've been known to get mad at my H and buy a new pair of shoes. I've never felt the need to flirt and enjoy an passionate hug from another man.
What was the fight about between you and your H? Do you two have more problems than you thought you did and this is how you dealt with the problems?
You did not cheat on your H. You flirted with another man.
Is this the right thing to do? of course not, but it certainly isnt in the same ballpark as cheating.
Should it make your H feel terrible...im sure it does,
Is this a big wake up call for the both of you? Should be
You need to get some professional help for your marriage.
All of this.
The intent was just to go out us girls and have a few drinks and man bash for a bit, but obviously the day took a different turn - that was not my intention or what I set out to do (not that that changes the outcome).
The fight was about me wanting to go out with some friends and H wanting to stay home. He never wants to go out and do anything anymore and though we had been working to find a balance, it was becoming more and more of just what he wanted to do. The topic of the fight while minor, escalated quickly and he become quite aggressive. It was by far the worst fight/interaction we've ever had, and I really wasn't sure I was going to be able to forgive him.
I think since this whole incident we've learned to deal with our problems better. We've discussed counseling but neither of us believes that sharing our problems with a stranger will yield anything more than us discussing it with each other. I don't discount the benefits of therapy but just not sure it will help in our particular situation right now.
YObviously you both do not know how to handle certain issues and you can live in denial, but it is obvious by the way you handle things that this is off. If you'd like to continue to have a rleatrionship like two teenagers by all means continue down the same path.
sharing your problems with a professional helps you learn how to handle issues in a constructive manner.
I guess sharing your problems here with strangers is different
... you just talked about it with a group of strangers. It really seems like you need to talk to someone and I don't think discussing your feelings about why you felt the need for another man's attention with your husband is going to help your marriage.
Firstly, you didn't cheat! You crossed a line and hurt him. But you didn't cheat. If you're beating yourself up and building up more and more guilt that's a problem. That won't help restore trust and help you guys move on.
Now, one on one counseling could be a great tool first to help you figure out what led you to that point. Humans aren't naturally hard wired for monogamy. Many people choose it and are very successful, but brains do their own thing! What actions you take is under your control. The thoughts you have really isn't. You can nurture thought (wow, that hot guy at the bar, what would it feel like if we... ) or resist thought (ooh hot guy, but I get to home later and see my sweetie!). But you can't really CONTROL it. So, you let your thoughts and emotions get out of control and you are right to want to understand and change that.
If after some individual counseling you two are still struggling to restore trust I'd say that couples counseling can be incredibly helpful. It isn't just talking with a person in the room. It's someone helping you learn to communicate in ways the other person responds to. It is someone pointing out things you can't see on your own. It's helpful!
Um...you didn't cheat. You flirted. This situation called for a sheepish grin and a "Hi honey, this is Joe Black. We just met." Then they'd awkwardly shake hands, you'd walk away with your husband and say you're sorry for flirting with another guy.