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Need some advice/venting
Hi everyone, I've never posted here and haven't posted in a long time, but have come back to the nest to seek some much needed advice.
DH and I have been together for a little over 8 years, married a little over 2, and living together for 3. We don't have any kids and aren't ready for them. We just moved to a new area due to his work.
Recently DH and I have been bickering, a lot. Most of the time of course it's over absolutely nothing. He just didn't like the way I worded something or me tired/frustrated at how he can never take a joke. Things were really rough last year. School has become extremely frustrating for me and I've been feeling stuck. The stress of everything hit me pretty hard and I began to take things out on him. Snapping at him, or just being plain grumpy all the time. After a talk we had, I realized what I was doing and have been working on changing. I do need to go to counseling on my own, I realize that.
However, lately it's as if the roles have reversed. He's the one picking fights with me and blames me for the fight. As an example, we've been decorating lately and he really wants to put a framed poster up in his office and in a certain area of the house. Yesterday, I noticed he had been looking at Batman posters, cool no biggie. A couple hours later I noticed him measuring the area of the house that we had spoke about putting a poster up. I walked by thinking he looked all cute measuring and laughingly said "a Batman poster would not look good there." That was it. He completely got defensive and upset at me. He basically made it out to be that I had scolded him. I tried to let him know it was just a joke but he went on at how negative I was, and how stupid did I think he is. I was shocked and got defensive myself (because lately he has been getting mad if I make any jokes toward him). He just would not stop about how mean I was. I felt myself getting angrier and didn't want to explode so I told him "it was just a joke" and had to walk away.
We didn't speak the rest of the night, although I did try. He slept in his office. I got home and realized he moved his things to the office. I sent him an email telling him how I felt and that I was sorry for turning my back on him. I also told him that I want us to get counseling together because I love him and don't want to give up on us. I've gotten no response, and he is for the most part acting as if I'm not even here. Should I do something else, or is the ball in his court?
Sorry if this is confusing... I tend to ramble when I'm venting. Just looking for some advice.
Re: Need some advice/venting
Why not find a retro Batman poster -- maybe one of the old school comic book covers from way way back when, maybe the Forties or early Fifties? It'd be fabulous to have a black and white version of it; it would be artsy and yeah, cool.:)
He'd get his poster and you'd get something artsy to look at.:)
Maybe you and he need to call a time out and the both of you voluntarily sit down and talk about the bickering and how you've been taking things out on each other. It's probably tension and other daily events taking their toll; this is fixable.
You guys need to learn how to blow off steam -- do either of you have a hobby? A hobby room/corner you can retreat to? Do either one of you play sports, go to the gym? If not, each of you need an outlet. You need a way to blow off steam.
And if this problem still remains, see a counselor to learn how to not take things out on each other.
Wishing you both luck.
He got that mad at you about a batman poster? There has to be something else here. I would definitely suggest counseling for both of you, that comment shouldn't warrant not talking for days.
Maybe you do this a lot? Undermine his ideas? This may have been a joke, but if it happens often and he resents it, maybe your "jokes" aren't the nicest or best way to get your point across.
I would say go talk to him in person about the whole thing, not in an email. He is a few rooms away.
I don't think you need counseling, I think you sound like a complete ass in this.
All of your examples are things that started with you "joking" - well, if this is his reaction to your "joking" it's no longer a joke, you're being consistently and frequently rude - to your husband. He's not liking being the butt of your jokes and diggs, so cut it out. Just be nice.
He accused you of being mean. You are being mean. Stop being mean to your husband. Apologize for constantly making him feel like the butt of a joke and move on, stop making mean jokes at his expense and just be nice.
Don't send an email, talk to him. Apologize, sincerely, and move on.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
to me it sounds like you dumped on him for a while, caught yourself and are working on it. Now he's defensive and resentful for all the dumping you did and is just looking for a reason to fight with you about it. You're in a bad cycle and it needs to be acknowledged by both of you to break it.
Couples counseling will defiantly help you both identify and work on your communication issues. In the mean time talk to him about the fact that you two are not communicating. If he wants to be a baby and ignore you, that's just fine, just make sure he hears you. An apology for your part in the fight might be a good place to start but keep talking to him and bring this up until he will address it with you.
I don't see how this comment can be taken as a joke. What's the funny part? Sounds down right mean. And based on his reaction you probably make many "jokes" in the same manner and he feels attacked.
I would change my communication style if I were you. If you think he looks cute then instead of saying something snarky you should try something more honest. Like in a cute/funny voice say "Honey you look so cute measuring there! What are you going to put there???" or "Are you measuring for Batman's new home?"
I gotta say I agree. And please know this is coming from experience because I am also a complete ass sometimes. My husband and I have had this same exact argument and I KNOW that it's because sometimes my sense of humor can be mean. And at the end of the day, it's not funny if it's mean. So I have learned, over the years, to read him and know if I'm getting close to the line. I trip up occasionally and p*ss him off still, but things have gotten much better. I agree with PP about focusing on the good things you noticed (that he looked cute measuring) and leaving the sarcastic jabs alone. Be kind. He's telling you that you're hurting his feelings. Tread carefully and nurture him until he can trust you again.