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MIL and SIL causing stress in my marriage
My husband (1) didn't tell me he took out a short term loan for his mom to go see his sister (who has tried to ruin our marriage) over Christmas and (2) lied to me in order to cover it up.
I'm not on very good terms with his mother or sister. His mother is irresponsible with her money. His sister plays the victim about not wanting to travel to see her family making us look like horrible people.
When this came to light, I have been trying to figure out what happened. I've learned that his mother put down a deposit on travel to get over to see my SIL. Then when she realized she didn't have the money (even though I think she knew she didn't have the money before making the deposit) she asked my husband to her home 5 days before she was to leave, and asked him if he could loan it to her. He didn't have access to his money because a bank account was being set up. So she asked him to take out a short term loan (because her credit is so bad she can't do it). It wasn't as if she asked him to think about it. If she didn't pay the rest of her fee she'd lose her deposit. So he did it. Didn't tell me. Then I got a text on my phone for him about the loan and he made a fake phone call and a story. Then a woman from the loan agency phoned. I freaked out and thought she was joking.
Not only am I incredibly hurt that my husband felt he couldn't tell me, I feel that his mother is trying to deceive me as well.
I don't know how to trust my husband. I feel that his mother and sister are trying to ruin our marriage. I know that it was his choice not to involve me. But it was also his mom's choice to get him on his own and ask for the money without me there.
I can't stand seeing the Christmas presents she gave me knowing that she splurged and then squeezed a loan out of my husband.
Am I being over dramatic?
Re: MIL and SIL causing stress in my marriage
My husband (1) didn't tell me he took out a short term loan for his mom to go see his sister (who has tried to ruin our marriage) over Christmas and (2) lied to me in order to cover it up.
The lying sucks and so does he, for keeping this from you -- and he was supposed to tell them no, no questions asked. "My wife and I are not able to help you. I am sorry." THAT is what he should have said to her. And if she didn't like it, too bad.
I'm not on very good terms with his mother or sister. His mother is irresponsible with her money. His sister plays the victim about not wanting to travel to see her family making us look like horrible people.
His mother's money problems are nobody's but her own. She had no business asking him for one thin dime. And the sis sounds like a whiny little kid.
When this came to light, I have been trying to figure out what happened. I've learned that his mother put down a deposit on travel to get over to see my SIL.
She needed a loan? Where does the SIL live --- Timbuktu???
Then when she realized she didn't have the money (even though I think she knew she didn't have the money before making the deposit) she asked my husband to her home 5 days before she was to leave, and asked him if he could loan it to her. He didn't have access to his money because a bank account was being set up. So she asked him to take out a short term loan (because her credit is so bad she can't do it).
This alone is bad news. And again, HER problem, not yours and your H's.
This sounds like a cultural problem, also -- is it? Because if it is, you've got double trouble. What the mom says goes and the kids jump when the mom says Do It.
It wasn't as if she asked him to think about it. If she didn't pay the rest of her fee she'd lose her deposit. So he did it. Didn't tell me. Then I got a text on my phone for him about the loan and he made a fake phone call and a story. Then a woman from the loan agency phoned. I freaked out and thought she was joking.
The lying would be a dealbeaker to me. You don't do things like these without discussing it with your partner -- and as I said, he should have told her Sorry But No when she asked.
Not only am I incredibly hurt that my husband felt he couldn't tell me, I feel that his mother is trying to deceive me as well.
Your MIL is the smaller of the issues here. The big issue:
A husband who is not a full partner and full team with you. Very bad news.
He also doesn't get it that when you marry, you and your spouse become one new family. Pity.
I don't know how to trust my husband. I feel that his mother and sister are trying to ruin our marriage. I know that it was his choice not to involve me. But it was also his mom's choice to get him on his own and ask for the money without me there.
His mother and sis are not trying to ruin your marriage --- your wimp "husband" is doing that singlehandedly -- and guess what: he's succeeding fantastically.
I can't stand seeing the Christmas presents she gave me knowing that she splurged and then squeezed a loan out of my husband.
The hell with whatever gifts she gave you: the problem is your husband.
Have you spoken to him about this?
If you have not, do -- and tell him that if he pulls this sh!t again, the marriage is over and done. I'm serious: he's betrayed you, he's lied to you, he's not acted in tandem with you as a team, he's putting his mother before you and he has no respect for you at all and has even less character than that.
A man like this is no man at all.
I'm serious about this being over if he does this again. To me, the lying is a dealbreaker. I don't know what you want to do about it but no matter what: he cannot do this again.
Bear this in mind:
Wonder what else he has lied about and wonder how much more money's possibly gone into the pipeline to dear ole mom.
And by the way, he is also childish:
Then I got a text on my phone for him about the loan and he made a fake phone call and a story.
Read him the riot act and don't spare the sentiment. This entire episode is unacceptable.
Your title should be more like 'Husband is causing stress in my marriage' because a) he didn't have to agree to getting loan for her b) he shouldn't have lied or came up with fake story and c) he holds information from you and I'm sure this isn't the first time it's happened or will happen. If he didn't tell you about loan, he knew you'd freak if he mentioned it in advance - communication is your issue. His mom can call him over to her house without you there, that's his mom....it's his choice to do her favors.
A favor?
vpine, this is no FAVOR. A favor to me is "can you come over and help me move that big amoire" or "Can you drop me off at the mall? My car is on the fritz and I'd really love to catch this sale today."
Betraying your marriage vows and going over your wife's head isn't a favor. This is zero respect and disregard for their union.
If he didn't have the $, he shouldn't have agreed to loan but if he did have the $, I suspect you would have been peeved anyways.
He had no business saying yes -- he straight away should have told his mother no. And better yet? She had no business asking. STFU and face the music: you will not be able to travel to see your dumb daughter.
I believe in helping parents out but not particularly in this way that he did it. Now that it's all been said and done, how much is the loan and how soon will your MIL pay it back?
Hahahaha....she'll pay that loan back when somebody buys this bridge in Brooklyn that I have for sale.
This is shot to hell. Way shot to hell.
Tarpon, I usually agree with your comments, especially advice you give on this board. However, if someone wants to loan money they do have to their parents, they should - I do think the spouse should know about it, they shouldn't take out loans...I agree that MIL probably won't pay back the loan, this couple should definitely communicate. My husband used to give his mom money (she passed away in October which is why I say used to) and I had no problem with it, she didn't ask for the $ but he did it on his own, not large amounts but it's something we talked about, could afford, it worked for us. Every marriage is different, if this husband wanted to loan his mom money and he had the funds available - talking to wife to see if she's okay with it would be the right thing to do.
Then he and his wife needed to jointly say okay to lending the money. Discussing it with your spouse and saying yes, with conditions, is fine.
And all factors need to be considered before any money was handed up as a loan. If her credit stinks with banks and creditors, then it stinks with her son and DIL, too.
Yours is an excellent example of how a loan or giving money needed to be orchestrated. You and your H discussed it; great!
This guy broke the code of marriage --- you go and lend your mother money and you lie about it, to boot?
She nailed it. Your H is a complete jerk. I would leave my H if he ever did this. Not only did he make a financial decision without telling you he LIED about it. This can seriously affect your future. I'm sure if they need a consigner on anything he will do it and destroy his credit along the way. He broke your trust. Throw him back to his Mommy and sister and get on with your life.
So, you married a man who is exactly like his mother. This shocks you?
He is a liar and a manipulator.
And also called a dealbreaker.
To the OP: What happened? did you confront him? I don't know which way you want to go but it's clear he's shot your trust to smithereens and that he does not know how to be a team with you.
I'd send him packing over this. And that he lied and told a story like a stupid little kid? I don't see much hope here for the both of you; it's also an immaturity issue, a zero character issue and a communication issue.
Agreed.
I was in a similar situation last summer-- Husband (who was unemployed at the time!!) took money out of our joint account (knowing that we didn't have any extra & knowing I'd say no if he asked), "lent" it to a FB friend, then tried to hide it from me.
It was a big wake up call-- realizing that I couldn't trust him to put our family first. We never recovered from it. I filed for divorce in December.
Sorry for your bad luck.
Ditto PP, you don't have an IL problem, you have a husband problem.
DH will give his mother money if she asks and he can afford it without affecting our finances (We keep separate accounts for our spending/fun money, so if he wants to give his mom money and not be able to buy a new video game or something, it's on him, not "us"). But if he took out a bank loan (Something that impacts MY credit as his wife) and then proceeded to try and hide it, to the extent of lying and faking phone calls and trying to claim it was some kind of mistake the bank made? Oh, hell no.
If he's capable of going behind your back and trying to hide taking out a "small" loan so his mom can take a trip to visit his sister, then where's the line? What if MIL decides one day she wants a new house? Is he going to take out an entire mortgage for her and hope you never find out?
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
Financial fidelity is essential for any healthy marriage...as is trust, respect, and honesty.
It seems like these fundamental ingredients are missing from your marriage. And that's a serious problems.
It's worrisome that your husband prioritizes mommy's DESIRE to see SIL over your NEED to have trust, respect, honesty, and financial transparency in your marriage.
Honestly? I'd read him the riot act. And if it happened again, I'd show him the door.