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Need advice...
I need advice and maybe to gain some perspective? To get some context on where I?m coming from with this, it may help to read my previous post a few below this (titled: Cheating??).
It has been nearly four months since the incident which caused H to lose his trust in me and rightly so. In these 4 months we have done very little socially with our friends/family and have done NOTHING apart from each other. The problem that I?m having is that the first two months we spent with each other rebuilding our relationship and talking through our problems, etc. and it was very productive. The last month was occupied with the holidays so it was less noticeable. But now I think I feel quite smothered and that I?d like to resume some of our social activities with friends.
Is this totally unreasonable of me? Am I being terribly inconsiderate? H has made it very clear that if it were up to him we?d spend every waking moment together and would never see anyone else. That just doesn?t blend with my personality and my social needs. Is it appropriate for me to talk to him about getting out more or is this one of those things where I need to understand that he?s the one who?s hurt so he can take as long as he needs to? I?m trying to allow him time to heal but then at times I feel like he?s done all the healing that can be expected and now this is just how he wants the rest of our lives to be ? alone? just us? and no friends? Am I rushing it?
Re: Need advice...
Of course he would choose to spend every waking min. with you....he doesnt trust you. What better way to keep control of the situation.
BUT this is not how life works...you need to move past that part or your marriage is doomed.
You need to talk like 2 adults and you need counseling to help you through it. that is what it is for
.I think since this whole incident we've learned to deal with our problems better.
And that was obviously not the case!
these are the types of things you learn to talk and deal with a t counseling, but since everything is sooo much better now (not) keep on walking on egg shells.
I'm glad I went and read the other post.
First, I wouldn't qualify what you did as "cheating". Inappropriately flirting, yes, but not cheating.
Second, your original fight came out of the fact that you want to go out and he likes to stay home. And guess what? Now you've done something to break his trust and he can now lord that over you to keep you at home - where he wants to be anyhow.
I'm not absolving you of your wrong-doing, but seriously - this is NOT a healthy dynamic at all. Before I read your other post, I was waffling around with "how much time is "enough" for your DH to move on" (and I was also thinking you CHEATED). But now that I did read that post, and now 4 months later he is still insisting you must spend all your time together ... you say he's forgiven you, but has he really? Is HE ever going to "move on"? Or is he going to forever hold his "hurt" over you to keep you under his thumb?
Yes- counseling. I think you both really, REALLY need it. I don't feel this is something the two of you will be able to work past on your own. Especially as you say he holds grudges. Add that to everything I wrote above - I truly don't ever see him genuinely stepping back and saying "yes, it's time to move on. I need to learn to trust you again".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Second, your original fight came out of the fact that you want to go out and he likes to stay home. And guess what? Now you've done something to break his trust and he can now lord that over you to keep you at home - where he wants to be anyhow.
This has been my exact same thought as well. I've given him a reason for why I shouldn't go anywhere and what happens when I do... I know I screwed up and I want to give him his time, but part of me is tired of waiting for something that may very well never come, and I think you're right on that... Thank you so much for your input; it truly is helpful.
Just adding a little more here....
My gut says that you guys are not done having big blow ups about all this...the flirting with another guy and the fact that you want to go out and he wants to stay home. It was the same pattern my ex and I went through. I'd stay home for awhile to please him and then once I want to go out, we blow up about it. To me, it sounds like you both are going in 2 different directions. It really isn't about the fact that you hugged another guy anymore, it's about you both going in separate directions. That is the issue here now in my opinion. Maybe some counseling will help but you aren't going to change him into this guy that wants to go out and do things....believe me, I tried that with my ex and it just didn't happen. Just saying...
Does he "let" you run errands or go to the store alone?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Before I jump to my own conclusions - why, previously, was he not a "fan" of it? Why did he have issues w/ you going out?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yup, I got all the same comments..."do we have to go?" "how long do we have to stay?" etc. 95% of the time, I would just cancel my plans to please him. I hate to say it but this will continue and most likely will not go away. It's tough, I know. It's not fair to either of you really. My ex started finding "comfort" from another woman (his co-worker) and ended up having an emotional affair on me (she moved in with my ex a couple days after I left). Now my ex was COMPLETELY wrong in cheating...no excuse for that but in the end, like I said, it was a blessing. We were going in 2 different directions anyway and it took him cheating for us to figure that out. Again, good luck to you.
Thanks again ToneGirl. Hope you don't mind if I ask you a question - you mentioned that your EX H found comfort in another person because you guys were heading in separate directions. Was this ever a thought on your end? Were you able to tell at the time that you two were just too different and wanted different things?
Before I jump to my own conclusions - why, previously, was he not a "fan" of it? Why did he have issues w/ you going out?
I think he's always had trust issues although I was faithful throughout our entire marriage. He would grill me when I got home and just pretty much make me wish I hadn't gone in the first place. I'm sure that was his intent. He'd also tell me that he didn't have a good time when he wasn't with me so he couldn't understand how I could go out with others and still have a good time without him. I tried explaining that perhaps our social needs are just different and I'm not the type to just sit at home with one person day after day, but he just doesn't see it.
Well at times I would honestly wish I was with someone else (when things got pretty bad...the big blow ups, him not wanting me to go out, not wanting to go out and do anything period) but I never really had anyone specific in mind. We were together for 12 years (married for 7) plus had a child together so I felt more like this is what my life was to be (although deep down I really didn't want to live this way). Never in a million years did I think I would be divorced...never thought I would be part of the statistic but it happened and it ended up being for the best. MUCH MUCH more happier now.
Honestly- I think you have a long road ahead of you and I think you're going to need outside help. This goes deeper than "I did something to make him question me and when can I expect him to trust me again?".
The trust issues have always been there on his part, his desire to have you always stay home w/ him has always been there. Now- he simply has the ammunition to try and make this become the status quo.
Another question- if he doesn't like to go out, how exactly is it that he happened to "run into you" at that exact moment in that exact place?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I mean this in the kindest way possible, but how did end up married to a man who doesn't want you to go out with friends and is acting very clingy and co-dependent? Did this start after the wedding? Always a problem? It is a GIANT red flag in my head. I have a jealous ex and learned I'm not willing to put up with that!
Another question- if he doesn't like to go out, how exactly is it that he happened to "run into you" at that exact moment in that exact place?
We went our separate ways that day to do different things; which is very unusual for us and quite coincidental for it to occur on the day after such a big fight but his plans were pre-arranged and he had to go. We weren't speaking that day because of the fight the night before. I was thankful for a day away from him to clear my head so I called up my friend and we went out. He knew where I'd be (I have a favorite local spot) so when he was done what he was doing, he stopped by. Afterwards he said he knew what he'd find when he got there and I just proved him right.
I mean this in the kindest way possible, but how did end up married to a man who doesn't want you to go out with friends and is acting very clingy and co-dependent? Did this start after the wedding? Always a problem? It is a GIANT red flag in my head. I have a jealous ex and learned I'm not willing to put up with that!
He wasnt' always like this. I would say things started really changing within the last few years. Before that we'd go out together all the time and me going out w/o him just happened so few and far between because there wasn't really many people I hung out with frequently back then. It's certainly gotten progressively worse though. We've been married for 12 years and he says that he's the one growing up which is why he doesn't want to go out, and I just am stuck in my younger going out days (which never really existed for me to be honest).
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
We were together for 12 years (married for 7) plus had a child together so I felt more like this is what my life was to be (although deep down I really didn't want to live this way). Never in a million years did I think I would be divorced...never thought I would be part of the statistic but it happened and it ended up being for the best.
I think the same thing - maybe this is how its supposed to be after 12 years of marriage and with a child. Maybe I'm the one who is out of line here... but then I think about doing just this for the rest of my life and I swear I could have a panic attack. I'm just so unhappy and I don't know how much of this unhappiness I deserve and should just put up with (there should be some negative consequences for what I did), and at what point I should speak up and say something because it's gone on long enough.
So he's become more hermit like and less trustworthy. I'll make a stretch here- is there any chance he's ever cheated and that is why now 1- he doesn't like to go out to avoid "temptation" and 2- why he now doesn't trust you? Often times, when someone starts pointing fingers for no reason, it's because they are up to no good and they are projecting.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
WTF does this mean? "Growing up" doesn't mean you stop having friends or stop socializing w/ those friends. So he's become more hermit like and less trustworthy. I'll make a stretch here- is there any chance he's ever cheated and that is why now 1- he doesn't like to go out to avoid "temptation" and 2- why he now doesn't trust you? Often times, when someone starts pointing fingers for no reason, it's because they are up to no good and they are projecting.
I have actually said the exact same thing - that growing up doesn't mean shutting ourselves off from the world. You know, I've wondered the same thing regarding the cheating thing but I seriously do have my doubts. I had questioned him before and was confident in his response. And of course for the last few years I've had zero personal space which means he hasn't had any either so I feel like our lives have pretty much been an open book. Of course anything is possible but I don't think this is what it is.
I'd cry if being a grown up means I have to shut myself inside and never go out, never see friends, never just have FUN. DH and I love one another, but we'd go bonkers if we only had each other to look at and talk to for entertainment!!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It just seems like something had to have happened w/ him to lead him down this path. Heck- maybe like you, not out and out cheating, but "something" happened w/ someone or almost happened, and it scared him. And in turn he buckled down w/ you because if it could happen to him - it could happen to you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'd cry if being a grown up means I have to shut myself inside and never go out, never see friends, never just have FUN. DH and I love one another, but we'd go bonkers if we only had each other to look at and talk to for entertainment!!
I can't tell you how refreshing it is to hear that. I was really starting to think it was just me and that I wasn't settled down enough for where I should be at this point in my life. It's just so hard to respond to him when he says he doesn't have any fun when he's not with me so how can I enjoy not being with him. We'll see where this goes but I do feel like I have a better grip on how the conversation should go at this point.
It's definitely not you! Good luck. I hope you can open up a dialogue with him and figure this stuff out - and/or suggest counseling.
And to add- don't let this be about what YOU did and how this is all your fault. Push back - let him know that many of these issues have been brewing for a lot longer and there's more to this than just "the incident".
He's suffocating you, and he was doing that BEFORE 4 months ago. If he's dedicated to making this marriage work, he has to open up his eyes and realize there is a lot more to this.
again- good luck!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I can not be more constructive than to keep telling you that you both need counseling. You keep saying you dont think it will help. Obviously it has to be better than what you are doing now.
The more you post the more issues that pop up.
The more is should be obvious that you need prof. help.
I dont know what you find demeaning about my response. Direct and honest maybe, demeaning not in the least.
Funny I was on your side agreeing with you, but I suspect that there is so much going on.
I hope whatever you really want works out for you.
You never cheated. Your husband is WAY overreacting and using a simple case of flirting to hold you hostage.
I really hope you two don't have children together. I really don't see this marriage working out.
This is just plain bad:
I?m trying to allow him time to heal but then at times I feel like he?s done all the healing that can be expected and now this is just how he wants the rest of our lives to be ? alone? just us? and no friends?
Rethink him based on this alone. Ugh.