Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I need help..
Okay I don't even know where to start. My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years now. We got married young and we're having problems. I moved away from my family to be with him, I was fine with that, at the time anyway. He works in the oil field so i'm by myself most of the time. There is no doubt he has given me a great life, however the way he treats me is terrible.. We have been married for 2 years and it seems like ever since then things have been going down hill..We fight a lot over little things from closing the oven too hard to huge things like buying a house. Everything has to be his way or he throws a fit. I can't have an opinon what so ever. If I do say anything another fight breaks out. He says terrible things that I can not forget. He has to have his family around 24/7, which I don't mind but when I don't get to see my own husband for very long because of his job and all he wants to do is be with them it makes me a little crazy. He has told me that he can't stand being around me for more than 2 weeks that's why needs to have his family around. He's locked me out of the house for not letting his dog outside. He's selfish and manipulative. I'm fed up! We've sat down and talked it out I don't know how many times. Nothing is changing. He's upset with me because I am an independent woman but I don't really have any other choice. When he's gone I'm alone, I have to be independent or nothing would get done! I'm miserable. I'm a totally different person when I'm around him and every one sees it. When he's gone I'm happy and I feel good. As soon as he gets home I switch. I feel sick, I don't want to do anything, I'm depressed. As soon as we get done with a fight he?s sweet and caring but all it takes is one little thing to set him off. So to me all of that sweet stuff isn?t sincere. I hate it. I feel like everything is fake. There?s so much more to this but I didn?t want to make this post a long one. I'm stuck between packing up my stuff and leaving or waiting it out. I just need advice to what to do..
Re: I need help..
He's locked me out of the house for not letting his dog outside. He's selfish and manipulative. I'm fed up! We've sat down and talked it out I don't know how many times. Nothing is changing. He's upset with me because I am an independent woman but I don't really have any other choice. When he's gone I'm alone, I have to be independent or nothing would get done! I'm miserable. I'm a totally different person when I'm around him and every one sees it. When he's gone I'm happy and I feel good. As soon as he gets home I switch. I feel sick, I don't want to do anything, I'm depressed. As soon as we get done with a fight he?s sweet and caring but all it takes is one little thing to set him off. So to me all of that sweet stuff isn?t sincere. I hate it. I feel like everything is fake. There?s so much more to this but I didn?t want to make this post a long one. I'm stuck between packing up my stuff and leaving or waiting it out. I just need advice to what to do..
Do not wait it out. Just GO.
When he is gone -- and you have ample time since he is gone for long periods of time, due to his field of work --- pack your stuff and go. And then file for divorce wherever you are. Do not tell him you're doing this; he's liable to go ballistic or worse.
Just go and go now. His verbal abuse can turn into violence directed toward you -- and abuse is abuse, even if it is *only* horrible words said to you.
For your sake, leave. Go to your parent's house or a woman's shelter --- do not stay with him.
Wishing you luck.
PS: You can get this marriage annulled, I believe, based on the fact he is abusing you verbally.
I'm a totally different person when I'm around him and every one sees it. When he's gone I'm happy and I feel good.
There is your answer! Life is too short to live depressed or miserable. What is going to change if you stay?
He locked you out of the house for gods sake...that is abusive behavior!
Pack. Your. Stuff. And. Get. Out.
He has proven its his way or the highway. The great thing is the highway leads away from him. He is controlling. He is abusive. Get out.
I'm wondering why you married this a$$hole in the first place? You need to run, not walk, RUN away from this guy as fast as you can and then file for divorce.
You have not said a single positive thing about this guy so I'm assuming you came here looking for validation that you need to leave...so yes, he's abusive POS and you need to get out while you can. Immediately.
There is no 'trying' to change him. He either wants to change himself, is committed to changing, and will do it. If you feel that the marriage is even worth salvaging, then you both need counseling - I would say both individual and then also together. You need to figure out why you are choosing to stay with someone who is abusive and he needs to see someone to deal with his anger issues.
Don't you want better for yourself? You deserve to be happy in this life - why stay with someone who is making you miserable and dragging you down?
The the thing is you can't change people. He can only change if he WANTS to change. And from what it sounds like he seems to think you are the one with all the problems not him. Do you really want to sit around and wait a year, two years, five years to see if he "might" change?
I would think differently if he said he realized that things needed to change and wanted to go to therapy with you to work on it, but it doesn't sound like this is the case at all. Honestly I'm a little afraid for you, it may only be verbal abuse now, but that terrible temper can easily lead to physical abuse or worse.
Do yourself a favor and run! Even if it means going to stay with your parents for a few weeks just to see how you feel, I have a feeling once you are away for a short time you are going to realize there is nothing at all worth fighting for.
Good luck!!!
Well, you need to have a tlak with him. If he agrees to try counseling and you want to try then i would give it a few months with counseling. If he says no counseling then I would pack my bags and buy a plane ticket home.
Counseling must start ASAP and he can not miss any appts.
You need to leave...NOW.
He works a lot? GOOD! When he's at work, pack your sh!t and go.
He's abusive...and all the counseling in the world won't change that.
I think this relationship could easily escalate to violence, based on what you've written. He does not respect you AT ALL, probably doesn't respect any women.
Change him? Really? How would you possibly go about doing that? through long periods of absence and emotionally starving him, followed by verbal abuse- the way he is slowly changing you?
Your SIL is an idiot, don't listen to her. He is rotten to the core, and people like that don't change.
Leave this miserable marriage and choose a better life for yourself. Trust me, one day will look back and be supremely grateful you decided to leave.
Yeah a SIL WOULD say that, its his sister for goodness sake.
What's the little voice in your head telling you? FOLLOW IT. Gut feelings always are the best, don't ignore them! You cant change anyone, and if he himself has tried to change and everything has stayed the same, he cant even get himself to change either even though he SAYS he wants to. Don't waste the time.
This type of abuse usually leads to physical, don't let it get that far.
You know what to do, you're just looking for someone to validate that you're making the right decision. I'd be happy to do that for you. GET OUT! Call your family or friends back home and ask if you can stay with them for a while you reestablish yourself. Pack what you need, (minimal) and just leave. No discussion, no promises of change, no casting blame. Don't answer your phone, don't accept his attempts to contact you, don't fall into the trap thinking that if you could just explain things it will be alright.
I get holding on to hope that your time and dedication to this man will pay off. It wont, I promise. I could go through the laundry list of red flags that this relationship throws up, but you already know them first hand. I hope to God you're not pregnant or already have children with him. Even if you do, still leave.
I left a relationship like this after 2years. I could not believe how much better life got within a month. I sincerely hope you find the same.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
If this isn't MUD then why in the world didn't you leave when he locked you out of the house? Surely living like you are garbage isn't worth the money this guy brings home. Next time he is gone see a lawyer. I'd suggest therapy for why you think you have the power to change him and if after 2 years of this why you keep staying. The insults alone would have made me leave a long time ago.
He is doing this to make you weak and dependent on him. Once he has totally destroyed you then you will feel you have no choice in life. He'll probably want to win you back once you get a backbone and leave. Don't fall for this manipulative trap. He is a mean guy and you know it. Also, since it is your life you SIL does not get to encourage you to change this prick. Don't change him, change yourself and your life.
Best of luck to you!!! I'm sure this will be a long road but one so worth taking. Keep your head up and know that better days are in your future. This is the best thing for you. Stay strong and do not let him try and smooth talk you over. He will NOT change...leaving is the BEST decision for you. ((hugs))
Wow that is really hard! I say though that there is no marriage that God cannot heal. It can all begin by learning to be a better person and fixing what we have control over. The fact that you haven't left tells me something holds you back. Maybe it is your marriage or your vows. I blogged about matters of divorce and marriage today.
Seek help from an older wiser woman one who has a long term marriage. The world will tell you "do what makes you happy" and "he is wrong" but think about why you came together in the first place.
Two good books:
Love and Respect
The Five Love Languages
Good for you and good luck.