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No libido - HIM not me!
My fiance has no interest in sex. Not for the past...I would say...year. I am getting used to it (in the relationship I was in before this, sex was very frequent) but it is still not something I want to live with. I have to work HARD to get him to want anything at all, and then when he does give in, it's usually a quickie.
In the past, whenever a man has lost interest, it's usually because he's getting some on the side - but this is different. I trust my fiance fully (I've never trusted anyone like this) and I know he's not like the skeezy guys I've been with in the past - which of course is why I'm marrying him! Haha
I've tried to very seriously sit down and talk to him about it...but he just doesn't want to. I think it's a self-esteem thing, but he won't really tell me if it is or it isn't. I do everything I think I can do to make him feel sexy - because I really am attracted to him, of course, and I do think he is sexy! But it doesn't seem to make a difference. No matter what I do.
It's almost to the point where it's putting a strain on other parts of our relationship, and that's not a good thing. He's the type of person to just push things aside when they get tough, so when things start to pile up on us, they just keep doing so until someone blows up.
It's also getting to the point where I'm losing interest, because it's such a task to get him in the mood. When I was with my son's dad, I had no interest at all because he made me feel ugly and unloved - and with him it got so bad that I didn't even want him to touch me, for fear that he would attempt to get me in the mood. And now, if my fiance does try to get romantic with me (it's rare but it happens sometimes) I feel the same offput way I would when I was with my ex. I don't want to feel that way, but now that sex isn't a regular thing, I'm afraid I'll just lose all desire!
Anyway, I'm rambling...
How can I attempt to fix this? I'm worried it's a sign of a deeper problem. I've told him everything I can in hopes that he'll help me figure it out...but I'm not far from annoying him with my constant pestering!
Re: No libido - HIM not me!
Any time now the sexist bitches who haunt this site will be here with their "dump the creep" comments,...however, if you will listen to a male perspective for a moment, I'll just make a few observations in no particular order;......
1) 'Normal'...ie, fit, healthy, well adjusted men DON'T stop having sex with the women they love unless there is some serious upset to their feelings. This might be a health problem, a psychological problem or an 'anger related' phenomena (sometimes a sign of being deeply offended)
Some of the psychological difficulties for men are where they see themselves as the 'active' sexual partner who has to 'make love' or provide sex for his woman,....if anything upsets this mental picture (which is all it is, actually) then their sexual confidence is thrown completely.
2) As an 'offshoot' of above;...some men come to realise that their woman has grteater capacity for sex than they do,..perhaps she has more orgasms and is always ready for sex whereas men only have a limited supply of semen at any one time. Unfortunately, many men only equate sex with their own erection and ejuaculation,....If the man sees himself as not being able to keep up he can suffer severe drop of confidence,..and this is something deeply shameful to many men so often they will NOT talk about it especially to their loving partner. Ultimately, these men either fail in their relationships, or evolve into real lovers who recognise sex as a communication between two people with both partners giving and receiving mutually.
3) At the end of the day you cannot put right a sexual problem between two people unless BOTH are prepared to put it right,....if your man will not talk to you about it then he has to talk to someone else, or you are both finished as a happy sexual relationship,...that's where you are with this.
4) perhaps you best way forward is to be very loving, kind and supportive,..BUT make it plain to him that you see a problem and you are NOT going to let it destroy your love and intimacy,...that you are going to 'get help' for him and you from an outside source, whatever it takes. Always be positive when talking to him about it and get him to feel that you hold no recrimination or consider it his 'fault' etc If he loves you and cares about your relationship he will eventually open up, either to you or a councillor......
.....If he does not, then sadly, I think it's over!
It's most definitely not over. This is it for both of us, and aside from the sex thing, we're both very happy. We have sex about once a month...which I guess isn't too bad, because I know things tend to change when you're married anyway...and of course we have about a million things going on outside of our relationship too.
I forgot to add before that he's told me he loses interest in sex when he starts to get stressed. He hasn't seemed stress lately, but maybe he still is. I mean we just got engaged last month, so now saving money is an issue...and of course that's stressful.
It could also mean that your relationship is possibly over or is in the process of ending.
If he's not having an affair, it's possible that he is no longer interested in you at all.
And why do you want a guy who cannot and will not address this problem with you and will not discuss it at all? He's got to be more mature about this topic. To not want to discuss it means "I do not care."
Find yourself another boyfriend. Once a disconnect with sex begins, there's a problem.
If you insist on marrying him, do NOT go through with the wedding until this problem is solved to your satisfaction completely.
Being a partner means meeting the other person's needs and making sure that person is happy in all areas of your relationship, including the bedroom. And this guy's done nothing to address the problem.
A poster on another board was right on when it came to a partner who won't discuss an important issue --- if he doesn't want to talk about your sex life, then what IS he going to want to talk aobut when the chips are down?
I am paraphrasing her: suppose you have a devestating illness, or he does? Suppose you find out you and he will not be able to have kids? Suppose you suffer a job loss, or he does? Suppose you or he or the both of you, never finds full time employment after a job loss? Suppose you have a child who has a devestating illness? Suppose you lose your home due to money problems?
He won't discuss why he won't get busy? Well, what do you suppose will happen if you have a horrible problem like one of those I mentioned above? If he won't talk about your sex life, do you think he's going to be able to fully discuss a devestating problem in your lives together???
He's not mature and he is not forthcoming. It's essential that he fess up about what's going on -- and you say it's stress? Stress for a year, really? Do you really buy that one?
As I said, do not marry him until you get the problem rectified and to your full satisfaction.
It's most definitely not over. This is it for both of us, and aside from the sex thing, we're both very happy.
This is a big BUT.
Get this problem solved. Sit down with him out side of the sack and have no interruptions --- as I always say, he owes it to you to fully discuss this problem and he owes it to you to WORK on it with you.
Once a week would be fantastic. I cannot see why he won't be able to make once a week his goal.
".....to not want to discuss it means "I do not care"...."
Not neccessarily ,....it might mean; 'I'm in a mess that is deeply embarassing and if I tell her about it she will be disgusted with me and withdraw her love".....
....If we could understand other peoples actions and inactions without them having to tell us the world would be such a SIMPLE place!
Any time now the sexist bitches who haunt this site will be here with their "dump the creep" comments
((snickering))
Anytime a couple only has sex once a month--there is a a bigger problem.
I am not going to jump on the 'dump him' wagon...but at the same time....putting off the wedding might not be a bad idea until you get some perspective on this issue. A life time is a long time to ONLY have sex once a month.
Make a pregnancy ticker
The OP says this has gone on for a year.
And I disagree with the only once a month bit --- unless he has always been a once a a month kind of guy, there's a problem brewing.
Postponement is a must. remember: this problem won't go away on the day of the wedding and a wedding vow won't turn him into a raving sex machine.
What you will have is a permanent problem.
If sex is important to you, rethink this guy if he won't work on this problem with you. If you've spoken to him and he's promised to fix this and six months or so from now you're still in the same boat, you'd be wise to say goodbye to him and find another guy.
As I said, a guy who won't work on a problem like this with you isn't somebody concerned about your overall happiness. It's also a character issue, too, if he won't work with you to fix whatever is wrong.
"Honey, I'd really love it if we were as red hot as we used to be. How do you suggest we fix things so that we can be red hot together again?" Ask him that --- and then open the floor up for him.
You want more sex. Not feeling fulfilled for the rest of your life will leave you unsatisfied, resentful, and drive a wedge between you.
So, you need to start talking. He needs to start talking! Everyone needs to do more talking. If you can't do it on your own, go to a therapist. I'd recommend he see a doctor to get the medical side checked out. To get to the doctor he might need to hear this from a therapist. It is IMPORTANT that the couple find a balance they agree on in regards to sex.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think it would be insanely frustrating. I've been in relationships where I felt guilted into sex and it was awful. Don't settle for feeling like you have to manipulate him, or he makes you feel put off when he touches you, etc.
Doubtful if he'll go to a counselor or therapist. He is refusing to talk to the OP about the problem.
The OP might consider seeing a sex therapist on her own and bouncing the problem off him or her.
He needs to come up with the goods. And he needs to be open and honest about what's happening. It's his duty to be honest with his partner.
"Embarrassing"? No, I rack this up to immaturity and being mideval.