Trouble in Paradise
jab12191
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our Grey Area
My fiancee and I are both Christian, but he was raised strict Church of Christ and I am non-denominational (raised athiest). We're getting married in October and I can't get him to open up to me about our religious differences. Everytime I try asking him what we plan on doing about church attendance once we're married he just brushes it off and refuses to talk about it and if I try pressing him to discuss it he claims I'm trying to argue. I'm not looking for an argument, I'm just looking to figure out what his ideas are about how we should handle this. He has mentioned before that he would be ok with going to a different church but all he'll tell me past this is that he has to take communion every weekend and he has scripture to back it up (note he won't even go as far as to tell me the scripture) and he just ends it at that acting like that should be a good enough answer for me. I feel like I'm trying to carry on a one-sided conversation since he refuses to add any input. Is there anyway to get him to open up? This is something I really feel we need to address before getting married (and definitely before having kids).
Re: Our Grey Area
Is that your FI's regular behavior? Ignore any potentially problematic issues because they may cause a fight.
I'd see if he's willing to do premarital counseling with you. If so, you can address the issue of religion there.
Also, regardless of whether or not he will site the scripture to you, he has concretely said that he wants to receive communion weekly. What implications would that have on where you attend church? Is that his way of saying he plans on attending both churches every week, or is that his sneaky way of announcing which church he will be attending without you?
Honesty, I'd be less worried about the religious differences and more worried about his refusal to communicate.
Tell himm the wedding is on hold until he can act like an adult and have a conversation with you.
Do not marry this man until you have many many concersations about this...especially the part involving children.
This
TTC since September 2012
I have bad news for you:
My fiancee and I are both Christian, but he was raised strict Church of Christ and I am non-denominational (raised athiest). We're getting married in October and I can't get him to open up to me about our religious differences.
This is already over.
When you were dating this guy steadily, you should have considered how important his religion was to him. And if you planned on getting serious with him, it was essential that he be accepting of you and whatever religion you embraced...and if you were not observant at all or even an athiest, he should have been 100% okay with that, too.
If it was clear back then that it was *his* religion or none at all, you should have said goodbye and found a guy who was far more liberal in his opinions of religion and what yours was, etc.
Religion, sex and money are the 3 big issues couples will argue over -- and as you can see, religion can be an ugly monster when it rears its head.
He's also immature. He won't talk to you about it? Then if he won't discuss religion, what's he planning on doing as far as discussion of other hot topics goes?
It is essential that the topic of religion be addressed immediately. What happens when you get married? How will you raise your kids and in what religion or religions??
Do NOT marry him until this issue is settled to your satisfaction. And if he refuses to discuss religion, say goodbye to this guy. He's not the one for you.
the issue of religion just doesn't encompass kids and what religion or religions they will be raised in -- what about your wedding? You are not observant. Why would you want any kind of a church wedding?
If you do not want a church wedding and you're all for a JOP to perform the ceremony, how does he feel about this?
If you and he married, this would, at best, be considered an interfaith marriage. It is already an interfaith relationship.
Just for this vast difference in religious viewpoints alone, I suggest counseling: joint counseling with his clergyperson and perhaps the clergyperson of the religion you were brought up in but no longer practice -- and also counseling with a secular counselor.
By rights when this relationship got serious, the topic of your respective religions, or non religions, should have been addressed. You knew full well how dedicated he was to his religion -- and if his religion is so important to him, I can't figure out why he is more or less marrying out of his religion.
Church of Christ, as per Wiki, is a congregation. It is not a religion per se,
The 2 of you could be the same religion at this point but this is what is going to be the big stumbling point in your relationship. If you cannot communicate honestly with your intended, what good is the person you're planning on marrying?
This is January. The wedding is in October. Man, the horse is out of the barn a long long time regarding your vast religious viewpoints. Just for the fact that you and he didn't address religion when you got serious, there's already a horrible communication problem.
if you do not agree on religion...step back and reevaluate. something as simple as hom much to tithe can cause a huge struggle if you are not on the same page. you can agree to disagree but no conversation at all sounds like bad news. like someone else mentioned sex, money, religion are huge factors that lead to divorce. divorce proof your marriage and get this settled.
And when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, "This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me." In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me." For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord's death until he comes. 1 Corinthians 11:24-26 (NIV)
I agree with PP's - while religious differences are huge, more troubling is the fact that he refuses to have an adult conversation with you about it. My bet is that after you're married and "stuck," he's going to insist you atted the COC and raise your children in HIS church.
You are correct that this is something that needs to be addressed BEFORE you are married. And if that means postponing the wedding, so be it. Premarital counseling to address the religious issue is in order, and if this is how he behaves any time a potential disagreement comes up, couples counseling is in order to address communication issues. Do not think this is going to get better when you get married. There is no magic pixie dust in a wedding ring. In fact, marrying him will only reinforce his behavior.
Does he go to church every week now? Do you? Do you go separately, or have you somehow reached a compromise on this? What church are you getting married in? As an aside, every single non-denominational church I've been to has weekly communion. If that's really his issue, than any "Christian" church should do.
Best of luck to you!
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
For lack of a better way of putting it, these congregations and fundamentalist churches tend to be cliquey and stick to their own. They tend to see "everybody else" as an outsider.
Address the topic of religion now.
Most of the fundamentalists send their kids to a church-based Christian school or they homeschool the kids --- have you discussed kids, also, and where they will be educated?
Suppose he insists on homeschooling them and you do not want any part of that?
It's a must you agree on everything that is essential. You cannot let this go until after you and he have married.
And outside of the passage that was quoted above, I have never heard of any scripture that says communion every worship day is required. What about the Christian religions that do not have communion -- the Quakers/Friends is one of them.
And why would the OP want to be keen on attending a church, let alone receive Communion? She stated she is an athiest. To do it just for him would be entirely wrong; this is bordering on sacreliege.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
If this is how he acts during discussions you have a difficult road ahead of you. he's not willing to listen of give constructive input, what is the point of the relationship.
Like a few of the ladies have said or hinted, treat him like he's a child. Sit him down one on one or a dinner at home and look directly at him and let him know this is important and making your doubt your relationship. sounds dumb but being direct might be what he needs to get over this religion thing.
Religion is so hard to talk about because it's focused on emotions and morals, and what we base our decisions of life on. But you two are preparing to build a life together and you need to be on the same page. It's ok to disagree as long as you arent fighting or shutting down about the argument.
Hope that was helpful