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MIL and SIL are ruining our marriage!
My in-laws were nice at first but as soon as we got serious they became mean I don't drink alcohol and they drink more then I think is is considered socially drinking. All they do is make fun of me. They then started being mean and picking on me for everything. I am a Scorpio so once I had enough that was it and I backlashed and gave the attitude back at them. Now my mother in law and sister in law HATE me and I loath them. My husband even got into a huge fight with them on Christmas that they started. I am also gluten free for medical reasons and they just don't get that and add that to the list of making fun of me. They actually act like I'm gluten free just to annoy them at family dinners. I cry all the time about them and my husband and I only ever argue about them. They have put such a strain on our relationship and we have only been married a few. months.
They are soooo touchy!! Everything I say is wrong. My mother in law actually yelled at me and is offended that I didn't take a photo with her at my shower. REALLY!? Did you ask to take a photo with me? Did you even talk to me? Did you buy me the wrong crystal glasses on purpose since I said I don't like chunky crystal? Did you do anything substantial to help? Did I remember to take a photo with my own grandmother who is now on her death bed? No because i was overwhelmed and was barely taking in the whirl wind that was racing by me! This is all of course my fault according to them!
I am not at all saying that I didn't contribute sure when they messed with me I gave it back. When I don't want to be around there friend's obnoxious undisciplined children and I was told I just dislike all children and I told him no I just dislike misbehaved ones perhaps I should have kept my mouth shut but they have pushed me over the line.
I am sorry to vent here but I have no one else to talk to! My husband just feels in the middle, my friends don't get it as they are either not married or have amazing in laws, and I'm to embarrassed to tell my own family how bad this is. I don't want my family to then dislike them for being mean to their daughter.
I don't know what to do please help me! I all ready talked to my mother in law before the wedding about this and nothing changed. She actually kept telling my husband don't worry we love you and he kept saying but we are a we Nicole is a part of me. She continued to just exclude my name.
I tried to act like my sister in laws best friend and invited her everywhere with me and she never invited back and rarely excepted my invite. She actually even told a cousin who I am friends with that she hates me and all ways will. REALLY?!
There is NO POINT in talking to them and nothing changes. Please help me!
To make it even worst I used to always want a big family with several children now I don't want any. I don't want to bring children into a family where their grandmother and aunt and uncle will hate them because they all ready hate the children's mother. I don't want my children around people who don't believe in discipline and laugh when children misbehave and hit and yell! This now to has become an issue with my husband. I swear this hate between his family and me is ruining our marriage....
Re: MIL and SIL are ruining our marriage!
No I'm sorry, YOU are ruining your marriage. You need to get your H and go to family counseling ASAP. This coming from someone who has cut her MIL out of her life. I have never and will never bring my H into my issues with his mother. If it is something that he should handle I have pointed that out to him.
Your H sounds like he is doing everything correct, calling it us and we. He stuck up for you and his marriage. What more can he do? The relationship with his family will never be the same. They caused that to happen.
On the having kids issue, you will be the mother. You will have all the control and they will have none. If your H takes them over to see them you have every right to tell him not to leave them alone with them. Problem solved.
Again, thearpy for you both so you can get ideas and tools on how to move forward and handle this.
Ok, you need to go to a counselor,NOW. I am very honest about this as I have been to counseling before and it was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made for myself. The fact that you are reconsidering having children says that the situation is that bad or you are being overly dramaitc.
Having a professional third party who can give you the tools to deal with your ILs is the best thing you can do for yourself right now.
1) No one can MAKE you do anything. Your reactions are 100% your own. Saying things like "I am a scorpio so...." and "I should have kept my mouth shut but they have pushed me over the line." shows that you're immature in the deaprtment of being responsible for your own actions/reactions/statements.
2) Do not react to your inlaws. be cordial but distant. Do not engage them when they try to push your buttons. Do not go out of your way to include them in things. They are your husbands family, he can do the inviting and including.
3) Most important point: It is your husbands responsibility to put them in their place. He needs to grow a pair and put his foot down. Until he does, there is nothing you are going to be able to say or do to change this dynamic.
4) You're right to not bring children into this. Unless your H stops feeling "stuck in the middle" and takes his place by YOUR side, I see nothing but misery in this household.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
Do NOT have children.
Let your H handle your il's. If he doesnt then that is part of your problem.
And for the love of god STOP spending time with them.
Your H!
He needed to tell them where to go and how many times to head in when they started being nasty to you.
They will not ruin your marriage but he will, unless he grows up and takes your side and tells them where it is at once and for all.
Tell him what you told us.
And then demand he get counseling with you.
If he will not go, very bad news.
I strongly suggest you go for your own sake.
Sorry for your troubles. You sound like a nice girl who got in thick with the wrong bunch.
It is essential that your H stand by you and stand with you under all circumstances.
I also strongly suggest that you and he cut them off for good and never speak to them again. What did he DO when he found out he was pretty much being slandered?! He should have been livid and let them have it.
These people are toxic and sick. The faster the 2 of you get away from them, the better off the 2 of you will be.
I think that you are contributing a lot to this.
You being a "scorpio" is not an excuse for being rude or lashing out. It makes you sound immature. Own your own actions.
You don't drink. Not a big deal - but how do you react when they do? I don't drink and my FIL is an alcoholic. What it means for us is that when we go there I politely decline a drink or drink some water (that I get on my own) and continue to be part of the group. If he gets too intoxicated we find an excuse to leave and just bow out. Easy peasy - no judgement, no conflict. They know you disapprove of their drinking, so they lash out at you. You can change/control your part in this.
Gluten free dinner guests are difficult. Trust me, I know. I'm a wheat free vegetarian. If you are invited to dinner you go, bring a salad or side dish to share (ask before hand if you can bring anything, is there anything they would like for you to bring, I'll bring a sweet potato side dish - would that go well with everything?, etc.). When you go to dinner don't point out everything that you cannot eat - instead just eat sides and bits of whatever you brought. Be pleasant, thank them for the meal, compliment the stuff you can eat and just be a nice, pleasant dinner guest. People find food restrictions intimidating, especially gluten free - this is normal.
Claiming that your MIL bought you the wrong crystal glasses for your wedding shower in the full knowledge that you dislike chunky crystal makes you sound petty and childish. Very much so. Thank her for her generous GIFT, regardless of whether or not it is within your taste.
Also, your grandmother's deathbed missed wedding shower photo op is making you seem very dramatic and over the top. I really hope you didn't bring this up to them or your husband in comparison. She was upset that you didn't take a photo with her? Respond with yes, I realized that afterward, it's so unfortunate! I was feeling really overwhelmed that day - at the next family function can we try to take one together?
Nobody likes to be told that their children are obnoxious and undisciplined. People don't like to hear their friends being bashed, either. Are you really surprised that this didn't go over very well with them? Really? And not being around their friend's unruly children is a hill you want to die on? Is it worth it? Are they being left in your care at family functions? Or is this giving them more ammunition against you for you coming across as uptight, unfriendly and rude?
Why were you trying to force your husband's sister to be your best friend? Why? Invite her to the major things, be kind when she declines and just be nice and polite when you see her. As for her feelings that she hates you and always will - fine. It's not like you like her either, so where is the major loss here?
You saying now that because of your experience with your inlaws over your very few months of marriage you have completely changed your views and goals of having a large family to not wanting any children ever whatsoever because "your inlaws don't believe in discipline and laugh when children misbehave and hit and yell" - again, you sound absolutely ridiculous and melodramatic here. Really. Because the friends of your husband's family don't raise their children how you would you are now deciding not to have children. Really?
A lot of this comes down to them being rude, yes. Making a dinner guest feel unwelcome or as a burden because of their dietary needs is rude, yes. Yelling at you because of a missed photo op at a wedding shower is over the top, yes. I'm not seeing anything in here that really depicts them as monsters that are ruining your marriage, though. Honestly, what do you think that they would write about you?
That their son married a girl that tells them they drink too much, doesn't eat the food they cook, martyrs up her dying grandmother not getting a photo either when they brought up that they felt snubbed at the bridal shower, wasn't happy with the crystal gift they gave her, tells them their friend's children are unruly and their friends don't parent properly (even though she's not a parent) and is "fake" to their daughter by inviting her out constantly even though she doesn't really want her to attend.
Yes, they are rude. But you're not innocent in this either and you can absolutely control your own contributions to it.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk