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Dear H, sporadic arguments.
Back story- 7 Months ago Hubby and I moved away from our hometown to a very small town, 14 hours away from friends and family, and an hour away from the "city" and no job possibilities. Me having never lived in my own home before found this move very daunting, it became even more stressful when we had to move within two weeks 14 hours away with no home and one car. DH didnt help a bit, I packed our items, I found a rental home, and booked the U-haul. DH has lived on his own before and I was leaning on him to help me, but he didn't. Im not sure why, he spent time with his friends saying "I wont get to see them in a long time," I of corse said the same thing back, I feel like this was the beginning of a long building argument.
Last Week- Hubby has been working 12-14hour days 7AM-whenever, and is very tired. I am lonely and my high is dropping from seeing family over the Holidays. I spend alot of time at home alone, and I do things to keep myself busy, but I always look forward to DH to coming home. This particular day Hubby comes home at 9:30 PM, He is tired and I am tired Everyday I greet him at the door and kind of scoot off to the kitchen to make a meal while he is in the shower. The whole dinner he was on his phone, so I was instantly annoyed and it showed. Trying to talk to him I just say "please put your phone down." and he blows up saying I have a bad attitude and I am bringing him down, and all sorts of negative things towards me. I being extremely emotional begin to cry, but I in a fight never fight back. I listen to what he has to say about me and how I've disappointed him. I still crying point out how he has not supported me emotionally in this move, of corse Im going to be sad and depressed when I am at home alone and cant leave because we only have ONE CAR! my favorite thing he said to me is "you're not excited when I come home" I am excited I am just tired because it's 9 PM, and what does he expect rainbows and butterflies?
Skip to the weekend- After our fight DH seemed to be alright and I seriously think the argument did nothing constructive for our relationship. As Saturday rolled around we went and visited friends and had a good night and Sunday DH Sits on the computer not talking to me and not willing to go to town or out to dinner. Im at a loss for words at this point. He yells at me telling me I am not carefree anymore and am not willing to do anything....
I miss my friends and family they are important to me, and he doesnt seem to understand that...
Just looking for advice, thanks for reading this whole blerb.
Re: Dear H, sporadic arguments.
Lurker dropping in from GP
Your relationship sounds toxic. Not like much of a relationship at all. You rarely spend time together. It sounds like you guys have no time for intimacy.
Also, what spurred you to move 14 hours to the middle of no where? Your post is confusing to me because you dont give a good reason why you moved and your husband sounds like he belittles you and doesn't care about your feelings.
Why does he work so late? What type of job does he have that he has to work that much?
Just throwing this out there... *scoots back to GP*
"Do the best you can, until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."
-Maya Angelou
Hello Lurker,
Sorry, we moved for his work, he has a job in the Wind Industry, very demanding job alot like oil workers but without the travel.
That makes a little more sense. I still think you need to have a serious discussion about making time for quality time with one another. I know that life can be demanding but you have to make time for each other. Also, maybe consider trying to buy an inexpensive used car so you are not stuck at home.
"Do the best you can, until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."
-Maya Angelou
Are you most certain he is working all those hours and are you sure that he's spent his time with "friends"??
I am wondering if he's having an affair.
His nastiness has to stop -- and when he wasn't giving 100% to the move, that was when you should have confronted him. Sounds like this guy expects you to do it all
I have to agree about a possible affair going on as well. I know when my ex husband was cheating on me, he would pick stupid fights and blame me for all kinds of stuff that wasn't true. This sudden odd behavior would make me highly suspicous...especially "working" long hours. Just something to think about...
It doesn't have to be physical to be an affair! My ex was having an emotional affair on me....
I'd pack all my crap and move home. This isn't a healthy relationship you two aren't partners. He wants a maid and a mother. Seriously, pack your stuff and leave. The first clue here was when he didn't help at all for a move that was primarily for his benefit. He seems very focused on his needs and wants and doesn't seem to give a crap about yours. Why exactly do you want to stay?
Moving can be incredibly stressful in a relationship. Add to that the total isolation you feel being away from friends and family and shut in due to lack of transport, compounded with the fact that you and DH have MAJOR communication issues and you've got a recipe for disaster.
I am going to assume your DH is not the complete a-hole he's coming across as right now. I'm assuming there was a reason you married him and moved 14h away to be with him. Under the assumption that he is a good person who is bahaving badly at the moment, I am going to recommend that you read "For him Only/For Her Only" (two books, found in the relationship aisle and/or Christian aisle at Barnes & Noble) and consider marriage counseling.
For one, I'm betting neither of you are being forthcoming in your expectations of each other. It's a trick and a trap to hope that your spouse "knows you enough to know what you need." They will know when you tell them and not before. Two, you both need to learn how to constructively relay those expectations. Him being critical and you being passive are both TERRIBLE ways to communicate. Three, you both then need to give proper respect to the needs communicated by your spouse. I think both of you might be underestimating the importance of each other's needs because your own are not being fulfilled.
One last thing - as a woman and as an adult, you need to learn how to stand up for yourself. Shutting down when someone is coming at you is not healthy. For one, no one should yell at you. Any disagreement should be handled with respect, which DH isn't showing, and you aren't demanding. Counseling may be in order for you to develop this important life skill.
Best of luck to you!
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
One never knows where a partner might be engaging in some extracurricular activity or how. There are ways, and methods, of finding the time and place and means to get some on the side.
Even so, he's taking anger and bitterness out on you. What are you going to do? Walk on eggs around this guy?
He needs to stop it immediately. Tell him in no sugar coated terms he needs to stop it now.
It sounds like you are BOTH under a lot of stress. It can be difficult leaving a family and starting over again. Additionally it can be a lot to ask of a partner to be understanding of such long hours. Your husband probably is under a lot of pressure additionally to provide for his new wife.
Every marriage has some ups and downs but you vowed to love one another. Can you try to ask him to have a talk and maybe ask him what the best way to talk to him is? If I talk "down" to my husband, he shuts down. I don't mean to do this or even realize I am doing it. However I tend to go all teacher voice on him (oopsies).
The computer tends to be a way of escape from something. Be careful who you ask for advice. Some family and friends can be more hurtful rather than helpful.
Consider a counselor even if it is just you going for a time. My mom had to do this for a while and it helped her. Eventually my dad came and praise God the marriage was revived. They are happier now than ever.
Also try to listen to his side too. Remember be proactive rather than defensive/reactive. You don't have to agree to be understanding. If nothing else understand that he is hurting (you are too obviously).
I will pray for you. Please pm me if you want to
HUGS
If you need/want the car, can you pick him up/drop him off?
I think you need to make getting a second car a priority (maybe a beater?).
I also think you need to get some outside activities going. It is hard to depend on one person to be your entire social life. Plus, if he is working 14 hour days, he might not want to socialize all evening (I kind of like "alone" time in the evening myself).
I would suggest volunteering. Something that interest you. A homeless shelter, a youth group, food bank, church, etc. This will give you a chance to get out, socialize, maybe make some friends. Plus, there is something about volunteering that gives a person a sense of worth and belonging.
I think all of this would help you to feel better.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
My advice is a little different....
I think you need to do two things here....asap. First....get an inexpensive used car and second---make some friends!
At this point BOTH of you lose. You are stuck at home-no social interaction, no place to go and HE is your only connection to the outside world. He comes home after working/interacting with people all day long and probably finds your (very reasonable) needs for attention exhausting. YOU need to find a different social outlet....seriously. You talked about last Sunday when he was on the computer all day and didn't want to go anywhere. Why didn't you head out on your own???? If I was cooped up in the house all week the very MINUTE that car was sitting unused--I would have hopped in the thing and just WENT SOMEWHERE!
If you are a church person....find some organizations at your local church that need some help. Join a few classes at the gym....take an art class.....ANYTHING. I think this is ABSOLUTELY necessary for your own sanity. Until you can get a car find something within walking distance or on a bus route.
I am not sure I agree with the others about your husband having an affair. Assuming he is working long hours....I think he is simply tired of talking and interacting by the time he comes home and just wants to veg out. I also think his attitude may start to change if he suddenly finds you do not 'need' so much of his time/attention.
Based on your post....I don't think your needs are unreasonable, BUT I also don't think he is necessarily being horrible either. I just think half your stress/problems could be resolved by your getting a used car and some friends.
Make a pregnancy ticker
::Update::
Sat Down and talked with Hubby a few days ago, being open and honest. I asked him why he went off on me and that the way he did was not constructive or compassionate towards me, and that I don't want to feel attacked by him. We do not argue often but I feel like we've been trying to hide our feelings in hopes they will go away in time.
Moving is stressful, especially this being our first home so I was expecting disagreements, but not an outburst. In talking with him he said he was stressed and apologized as did I for not being more honest. SO with this talk I hope we can move forward and be more honest about our feeling towards eachother.
A few things to cover- I do not think he is having an affair. He works crazy hours in an demanding industry, in which he comes home exhausted, covered in grime, and passes out almost immediately passes out when his head hits the pillow. Would you have the time with that type of schedule?
He doesnt have time to call his mom let alone have an emotional affair with someone. and I don't like that people jump to that conclusion. If an affair was the problem I wouldnt post it on here, I hope you wouldnt either.
Appreciate your input. Thanks all!
I wasn't JUMPING to that conclusion about the affair. Trust me when I say that I thought all the same things about my husband that you are (his busy schedule, not having time to talk to another woman, etc) and he COMPLETELY blind-sided me with having an emotional affair with another woman!!!! I was in utter shock and did not see it coming whatsoever. I was just merely trying to say that anything can happen!!! Don't be so upset to say that we are jumping to conclusions. We don't know your story completely...a lot of us have different experiences so we are sharing them. Some of your comments reminded me of what I went through...sorry for trying to offer a suggestion. Good luck to you.
Sorry if it seems like I was offended, Im not. I was simply stating, just as some of you, that and affair is not always the first problem. As I said Appreciate the input, THANKS ALL.
It is great that you guys talked, even better that he can see how disrespectful he acted towards you (so many men just won't admit it when they screw up)
....but I still think as long as you are isolated at home with no job/no friends/no car that the problems between you are going to keep popping up. I stand by my advice.
Make a pregnancy ticker
I agree. OP re-read my advice too. You need to get some outside activities.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013