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Getting married young
How many of you here got married young and hold old were you?
How many years have you been married now?
What would your advice to be someone you know who just got married young in order to make it last?
My brother in-law is 18 and so is his wife they just got married at the courthouse on the 27th of December. They have been together since they were 16 and sophomores in high school. They jumped the gun because he is in the Navy and in his rate has a 95% chance of being sent overseas they didn't want to risk being separated for 2 years. They will not be living together until about May when he is done with A school. They will be having a celebration ceremony and reception and then will move to where ever he gets stationed.
I also got married young I was 20 going on 21 my husband and I had been together since 8th grade, and am now going on 3 years of marriage. I clearly couldn't tell them to not get married I would be a hypocrite. But I am struggling with finding encouraging things to say to them. I want them to make it in the future so please help me give some advice. =]
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
Re: Getting married young
Ya I have tried to be as supportive as I can and as loving as I can. It's hard at times because I see how immature they really are even more than I was at 20. But I have to keep telling myself it's not my marriage.
Ya at this point I will just be mad if she gets pregnant before me that will be uncool =[
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
Me and my H were 23 when we got married, and we've been married for 1 year (we were together for 4 years prior to marriage). I personally don't think I was that young to be getting married, but apparently most of everyone else thinks I was.
I personally don't advocate that anyone get married at 18 years old, because most are really not mature enough to understand just how life-altering their decision is. Dating in high school and dating as an independent adult are very different, because aside from graduating and maybe going to college, you really don't need to stress out over the really important things (e.g., finances, etc), thus you can focus more on having fun in the relationship (this is just my opinion). While I was very mature for my age at 18, I would never claim that I knew what taking care of myself would be like and how I would manage it. The other thing is that many people change quite a bit between their late teens and early to mid 20's. At 18 years old, you really have no idea of what you want to do in life because you haven't had the time to explore and figure it out. And, as you stated, most are not mature.
Given what I have said, they have a better chance of making it if they both recognize that they will be going through a lot of changes together. He may make the military his career, or he may decide to do something else after putting in some time. They may have to move for a new job or if either of them wants to go back to school. Issues that they may have had the same thoughts/opinions on when they first got married may change for one of them based on their personal life experiences. Essentially, they're going to have to learn to not just compromise, but recognize that one or the other may end up having to make sacrifices. It boils down to communication, and if they haven't talked about a lot of important issues (which I'm guessing they haven't, just because it sounds like they rushed the marriage), they need to do so NOW. If they realize that they differ on certain issues, they will need to figure out how they will compromise, or who will be the one to make a sacrifice if necessary.
As long as they practice love and respect for eachother, they will do just fine
By the way, Love and Respect also a book, and is my favorite marriage book by far. We started reading it before we were married or engaged and have put what we learned to practice, and our first year of marriage has been wonderful. I also hear a lot of good things about The 5 Love Languages, but I haven't read it myself. If you're not quite sure what to say to them to help them along, you could always recommend a good book.
There is a difference between a hypocrite and someone who speaks from personal experience.
BUT either way it isn't your place. All you can do is say congrats and move on. For me I married young and never regretted it. My husband is pretty amazing. We have been married almost 5 years together 6. We were both 21. Young marriages can last. It isn't the age that is always an issue.It's how they communicate, etc.
I was 21 when I married DH this past May, and we had been dating 4 years prior to that, and living together for 2 of those years. We are very happily married.
My mom married my dad when she was 21, after dating him for about 2 years. The didn't live together before they got married, and had an pretty adjustment to married life because of that, but they are celebrating 25 years of marriage this year and are still very much in love.
My MIL got married when she was 18, and 2 months pregnant, to my FIL after dating him less than a year. They are very happily married, and just celebrated 25 years together this past August.
As PP said, I don't think age makes a difference. I think it's just easy to assume that the reason a marriage doesn't work is because that person was "too young to get married" or because they didn't know each other "long enough" before getting married, etc.The list of reasons for failed marriages goes on and on, but honestly it's more complicated than just one reason.
It really just comes down the the couple, and all you can do is be supportive and trust that they know what they want. Their marriage will not be easy, mainly because of the military situation, but if they want to make it work, it will happen. I suggest just being supportive and happy for them, and maybe just letting them know that you are there for them if they ever need advice or just someone to talk to.
I think your brother and his wife are in for a very tough road. I'd personally wish them the best and let them both know that you support and love them.
I am firmly in the camp that age makes a difference in the success of a marriage. Who I was at 18 or 21 is not who I am now (at 32) - at all. I would strongly advise waiting on marriage until later in the 20s. HOWEVER - that doesn't mean that I think all young marriages are doomed to fail. Some people are ready. Some couples make it work! Good on them.
Having a supportive family can only help their cause!
And you say they're immature. Cute.
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
Eh. I get it. I was disappointed when my little brother got his girlfriend KU when we were having trouble getting pregnant and had already been married for 5 years.
DH and I got married when I was 23 and he was 24. We'd been together 4 years, living together for 3. We've now been married 8 years this April. I think age matters less than where you are in life. I was young when I got married but I'd been living on my own for 6 years, had finished college and grad school and had been out of school and working for a year. That's a big difference from being 23 and going from living with your parents and having them pay your bills to getting married.
There's not much you can do but congratulate them and offer emotional support as needed!
I'm an only child, but H is the oldest by 5 years. His sister had a baby 6 months after her wedding (which was before ours by 3 months) at the age of 21. Her H was 19. They were/are not ready, but things happen. H is 28 and I'm 25 and we are not having kids yet.
My sister is younger than me and has an 8 month old I was mad but I love my niece more than anything in the world. That's why I said I was half kidding because it is something that I want. But if they did have a baby I know I would love it and would be supportive.
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
I got married when I was 19 and my fiance was 23. We have been married a little over a year and love every moment of it. Our family was really unsupportive of it, so we never had our wedding becuase no one would show up and our families are not close with us after that. It really hurt us that they couldn't put their opinions aside for one day and be supprotive of us. All they had to do was say congrats and smile and we would have been happy. We didn't need our families permission to get married, and we didn't need there blessing, however it would have meant the world to us to get it. My family absolutly loved my fiance at the time and his family loved me, but they kept saying "your'e to young!, enjoy life!" but thats just it, being with eachother was enjoying life for us. Our family has never been the same since they couldn't support us, but I have my own family now and they support me through anything...
So my advice to you is to just support them. Its their life and the only way we are going to learn what is right, or what is a mistake, is to make decisions and deal with the consequences... for better or worse..
I got married when I was 23 and H was 24. We've been married 3.5 years now.
My parents got married as 20 and 21 year olds. They've been happily married 41 years now .
How many of you here got married young and hold old were you?
I got married at 21
How many years have you been married now?
I've been married 6 months
What would your advice to be someone you know who just got married young in order to make it last?
My advice would be to put God first in your marriage. But I know that not everyone is religious so if they're not then I would say put your wife/husband first and work as one, because it's that unity that keeps couples together.
My advice to you is to just be happy for them, support them. Getting married young is not so horrible as some want to make it seem. It is bad if they're getting married for the wrong reasons (shes pregnant), or if they are both unstable people. But they seem like 2 stable young people who are in love and hopefully that love can last. When I got married not one person on either side of our families said anything negative although I'm sure some might have thought it, especially his side because they never get married until their mid 30's. But that support really helped us and encouraged us to grow in our relationship. I also think that the young people who marry have to understand what they're getting themselves into, pre marital counseling really helped us and brought up soo many points that we never would have thought about before and it gave us the best advice that we still use today. Love is not enough, it takes maturity and a deep understanding of the true meaning of marriage.
Well maturity is not about age. Of course, years teach you a lot of things and it's more likely older people are more mature that younger people, but that's not always the case.
Young married couples will have struggles that maybe older married couples won't have. Mostly about money and stuff they won't be able to have so easily. I think they just have to be very clear and honest on what will be their situation when they marry. You have to help him see clearly what he will most likely face, not in a discouraging way, but in an honest and loving one.
Then he makes the call and it's your job to be happy and stand by his side and help him in everyway you can. Tell him you'll never give your back to him, that he can count on you when the times get hard.
We are Christians and I have talked to them about this but I am just not sure if they are old enough to own their faith yet. I didn't really own mine until I was 20 and got serious about my walk with God. My husband was the same as me at 18 we knew we were christians but it didn't really click yet. It is one of those things they will have to figure out they know they believe and follow Christ but they haven't really owned it yet. I agree as we grow in spiritual maturity I grow as an adult as well and this helps my marriage and helps me respect my husband and submit to him.
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
I got married in August last year, aged 21 and DH was 22 at the time. Everyone told us we were mad. But all the women in my family were married young - my mum at 18 (they've been together almost 30 years now), my granny at 19 (they were together until my grandpa passed away in 2006) and my aunt was around my age I believe.
:-)
I was referring to her reply, not to you.
I did not get married young.
Wish them the best and keep your opinions and thoughts to yourself. The whole "they better not have a baby before me!!" Post makes you sound like the least likely person to give advice. You sound very immature. Having a baby is not a race, it's a huge life change. If they have a baby before you, you have no right to judge and say they aren't ready. By being adults and being married adults they can do what they want. It's also not for you to say if they are Christian "enough"
WTF?
You submit to your husband? What the what?!?
This does not make you an adult, more of a Christian or better than the two people in your OP.
****bangsheadintowall****
I don't really support getting married that young BUT every couple and circumstance is different.
My H and I were both 25 when we got married. We'd been together 2.5 years and now we've been married for just over 7 months.
Just wish them well and hope for the best.
Don't be too eager to have children either. H and I definitely want them but know that we need time to enjoy us as a couple for as long as we want before deciding to bring another person into this relationship forever.
Right and you would know I was joking if you would read the two posts I already made explaining myself. Guess from now on I can't joke around in here didn't know everyone would take everything so seriously.
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
Ya the only reason things moved like they did was because of him being in the Navy. They pretty much just did all the paperwork part of it. They won't even be living together until about 6 months into their marriage because he is still in A school in Florida and she is getting her associate's here in Illinois.
So they got all the paperwork done for the Navy and all that now but they will be have a celebration ceremony and reception in June. After that they will move together to his first duty station and will officially start their marriage.
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"