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Ending engagement (long)
I am absolutely heartbroken and sad, but I have decided I am going to end my engagement. When my fiance and I met 2.5 years ago, I was on an adoption waiting list. After not meeting Mr. Right and being in my 40s, I decided to take being a mom into my own hands. I was and am very excited about being a mom. He knew this. It was in my dating profile. He has two college-aged kids and said he was open to considering being a dad again. Last year, before we got engaged, I'd broken up with him when he told me he didn't want to be a dad again. He knew it was a dealbreaker for me. A couple of months later, he comes to me, ring in hand, and says he's committed to being a dad again, he's thought it through, etc.
Now in the last two months he's started bringing up all these fears and concerns - saying some of the exact things he did before about not wanting to parent. We've been engaged since early June 2012, but I have felt like he's been dragging his feet on both wedding and adoption stuff. When I ask him directly he always has some reason - he's busy or this or that. Because I trusted him I chose to believe him. But in the last two months I've realized he really just doesn't want to be a parent again. We talked again this week and he said some of the same stuff.
So now after 2.5 years of dating, 8 mos of engagement and six months of living together and wedding planning, I have to end this relationship. Why couldn't he have just let it be and faced the truth with himself last year when I broke up with him? He doesn't want to parent again - no crime in that; I totally understand. But I DO want to be a parent and I wanted a partner who did, too.
We're planning to talk this weekend and now that I've had this realization - that he just doesn't want to do this - I have no choice but to end it. He's a great guy in many other ways, but he would be so unhappy if he had to deal with a child; and I would be so unhappy without being a mom. It's an awful situation.
I am so heartbroken. I dread him having to move out, having adjust to being single again. Not having that special someone that is there for me every day. And having to call all the wedding vendors to cancel my dream wedding - awful. Giving back my beautiful engagement ring - awful.
It's going to be a very rough few weeks.
Re: Ending engagement (long)
Well prepare yourself that when you tell him he will try his best to convince you that he does want to adopt, but remember actions speak louder than words. If he really was on board with adoption and being a dad again, he would show it.
I don't know why he begged you to take him back. Maybe he had convinced himself at the time that he was ready to be a dad again, but he wasn't honest with himself or maybe he knew he didn't but was hoping you would change your mind or give up.
this sounds like an impossible situation. I guess he thought he could change your mind or his own feelings. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but if being a mom is a priority to you, then good for you in pursuing it. And good for you too for realizing that you cannot "change" him if you just keep bugging him for it.
Good luck with your adoption and I think you will find someone someday who is happy to be part of your new family.
I don't know whether he gave it the good ole college try when it came to being a new father again or if it turns out he is the same guy he was when he broke up with you, but nontheless, this is terrible.
And this is a problem for you because everybody knows how much red tape an adoption can consist of. I wouldn't doubt if what you went through with former FI held up the adoption process for you.
You did the right thing: you put yourrself first and you did what you knew was right.
It is sad when 2 people who really love each other just cant make it work no matter how hard they try. Some people just arent right for each other even if the love is there.
You know what you must do and i give you a lot of credit for knowing it and doing something about it,
Good luck to you and kudos for doing the right thing.,
Your situation is sucky. I'm proud of you for owning it, knowing what your non-negotiables are, and being strong enough to walk away.
That takes a very strong person.
I am so sorry and I feel so angry at your fiance for stringing you along like this. I am also impressed by your resolve.
You are doing the right thing! My soon to be ex-husband told me he wanted kids but I don't think he really did. Once we were married he came up with excuse after excuse. So now I am in my 40s and childless and wanting to be a mother so much, like you. I can relate to your desire and support it.
It will be so hard but you are doing the right thing for yourself and your future child!
Awe no! Hearing this really makes me sad because it's not right for someone to lead you on like this, especially knowing that you wanted children. Why do some men just suck so much?
I have to disagree with this. He promised her that he would be on board with adopting a child and they proceeded to start a life together based on that promise. Now he is backpedaling...he actually sounds rather selfish to me.
Also, there is no reason OP can't adopt a child and at some point meet a man and have a partner to grow old with. Also, plenty of people in their 40s adopt.
Thank you! It does suck for me. I think he knew for sure that it was a dealbreaker for me if he admitted he didn't want kids and so he kept it to himself--he knew I would have called off the wedding.
He was a real poser and so I think as well that he didn't really know what he wanted. He told me what he knew I wanted to hear, he lacked the character to be honest with me.
Hello Dear One,
First of all, you are a very brave woman and I have a great deal of respect for you and your decision.
This isn't going to be easy, but you will probably thank yourself ten-fold, when you look back at this moment in your life.
It sounds like you were honest from the beginning and it's really insufferable that your ex decided to cop-out like that.
Take the BEST care of yourself at this time and cry as much as you need to.
It is all going to be very alright.
Thanks everyone - I am still in shock - I've seen women write about their wedding being cancelled, etc. - I never thought it would be me. We still haven't had the talk - but it's coming tomorrow. After more time to think, I still feel this is the right thing. We've been together 2.5 years, it doesn't take someone that long to decide they want to marry you - or to decide they definitely want to parent again. He's been an otherwise sweet guy, but this is a dealbreaker and he knew it. I had my lightbulb moment this week and realized once and for all he does not want to have another child and all of his behaviors have been signs of that - even though his mouth is saying he's on board.
We are living together, so I'm not sure how this will work logistically. I want to end this in a loving and amicable way. I am praying he has had the same realization that I have, but based on his behavior, I'm not sure he has (still trying hanky panky with me - hello - I told you earlier this week that I think we should end this - what don't you get?). I hope that when we have this final talk tomorrow he doesn't try to make more excuses, say other stuff.
He has been dragging his feet with wedding and adoption stuff for six months, which has been very sad, disappointing and frustrating for me - but he always had these excuses. Now it all makes sense. He's trying to delay the wedding and the adoption because he doesn't want to commit to having another child. Its like we've been pushing a boulder up hill - him trying to find a way to keep the relationship without having a child, me trying to get him to do what he should be doing. It's time we both stop pushing the boulder and let it go, feel the relief of not struggling with this anymore and moving on with our lives to each fulfill the dreams we really want. I just hope he gets it and is ready to end it. If not, I'll have to just be firm.
Hi wonderfully supportive people - thanks for your encouragement. The talk went better than expected - he did finally accept for himself that he just does not want to parent again and that he'd really been trying to convince himself. This is good because we can now move on. Last time I ended this he kept trying to figure out a way to make it work - kept calling and stopping by to talk. I'm hoping that the same thing won't happen this time. He seems like he has just accepted the situation. We don't want the same things.
It hasn't been easy - I'm giving him time to find a place. We've agreed to be amicable and try to help each other during this transition. It's hard living together when we know it's over, but we're making the best of it. He packed up some of his stuff. I've unpacked some of mine (we were planning on buying a new house and moving in spring). There have been tears, and anger. He's been apologetic. He understands that while I know he didn't do this out of malice, he was trying to make it work because he loved me, I'm still angry that he broke his commitment. When I accepted his proposal it was based on him committing to parent - if he hadn't, I never would have accepted. He swore up and down that he was going to show me his commitment to this; that he's prove it over time. But as time went by the only thing he showed me is that he really wasn't committed to this.
Anyway, I'm grateful that this ended when it did. We're losing some money on the wedding, but it could have been worse. We hadn't sent out save the dates. The baby hasn't been placed with me yet - that could have been bad, where I would be here with a newborn and he would be unhappy or resentful.
To answer the question about adoption, yes, adoption is very open to people in their 40s and even 50s, including single women, gay and lesbian couples, and others. The agency I'm working with places babies with single women all of the time. For any one out there who is a single woman or who knows a single woman who wants to be a mom, I encourage you to visit www.singlemothersbychoice.org to get support from women of a variety of ages who have become single moms by choice via donors, surrogates and adoption. Many kind, loving successful professional women these days get into their 30s or 40s and realize that their clocks are ticking or they have a strong desire to be a mom and they haven't found a suitable partner.
These women have been very supportive of me - both when I got engaged and now that I am ending my engagement. I absolutely feel like I'm doing the right thing - this could have been a disaster if we had gotten married and he was resentful of the child. Several women contacted me and told me they got divorced over this issue. Ending an engagement is much better than ending a marriage - especially when there's a child involved.
Still, it isn't easy.
I'm sorry, but this is horrible advice. You don't have to stay with someone because they are a decent person. Not everyone needs a partner to grow old with and compromise their wishes so they are not alone.