Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Need some advice
Backstory: long ago I had multiple surgeries on my cervix for cancerous cells. The surgeries left me with a lot of scar tissue. It also left me with some discomfort during sex.
Fastforward to 3 years ago: during the time when I was pregnant with our son sex became unbearable. It still causes me pain when I have sex. Also I have 0 sex drive, but I have sex with my husband because I love him and I know that he wants it, so I just grit my teeth and deal with it.
Whenever I talk to him about sex he gets very agitated. He shuts down and doesn't want to deal with it. He says that he hasn't had "good" sex in 3 years and its starting to be a problem.
I already see a therapist and I think that he needs to talk to someone alone also. He thinks that he doesn't need to talk to someone on his own, and that we should only go together. I think he is holding onto a lot of resentment towards me and could benefit from some one on one counseling.
I have tried some treatments. I had injections done at the site and that didn't work. The only other option is to remove my cervix, and my husband says that he doesn't want me doing that. I'm out of options and this is ruining my marriage.
I don't really know what I'm looking for here. Whatever your thoughts on this please let me know.
Re: Need some advice
To me, if the Dr gives hope of no more discomfort by removing cervix, that is what I would do, especially since other options didn't work and this is causing problems in your marriage. If DH doesn't want to try individual counseling, that's his choice, you can either accept going together so he feels comfortable or accept the fact that he's not going.
Hoping everything works out, sorry that you're going thru this
I am not crazy about this at all; this is childish and unacceptable behavior.
He is not being open minded and adult about something that is affecting the both of you:
Whenever I talk to him about sex he gets very agitated. He shuts down and doesn't want to deal with it. He says that he hasn't had "good" sex in 3 years and its starting to be a problem.
The rest of his outlook toward a medical problem that the BOTH of you have --- yes, the both of you, since it affects the both of you --- just plain sucks.
He needs to see a therapist indeed.
And why is he so adverse to you having your cervix removed? Does he somehow think that removing it will end your sex life or something like that?
He needs to put your health FIRST. That's beyond any question and beyond any doubt.
If he doesn't cut this out, I don't see the problem having a good end.
If he won't go to a therapist -- I suggest a counselor and a sex therapist -- you go on your own.
Wishing you good health. Take care.
Sex is important to a relationship- but emotion is the root. Through therapy first to connect emotionally then physically but slowly.
Vaginal intercourse causes discomfort but you have so many other options. Try making out in the dark to soft music after the baby goes to sleep (feel like you just met). Be it on the couch or bed or whatever. Kiss, get hot, take it slow. Make it so taking off each piece of clothing is like the first time.
Go for sexually gratifying favors that do not involve vaginal intercourse- graphic being- exhanging oral (or at the same time), manual stimulation, breast stimulation, touch yourself in front of him (guys are big on visuals) anal (stimulation- if you aren't comfortable with penetration).
Bottom line- you can make it hot and sexy and good for him without the full monty. Confidence in the bedroom is key- if you feel and think your sexy, so will he!
I understand because I had/have a similar problem and eventually I already "knew" it would hurt so I went into the bedroom never horny because I thought whats the point.
But there is something that helps. Try foreplay and messing around and just getting yourself really horny and definitely use lots'o'lube. This helped me billions.
If you go in thinking it will hurt, it will hurt. I believe in the law of attraction. Also, the drier you are the more painful, hence all the foreplay and lube. Just get yourself so worked up and crazy that you want to attack him and forget the rest. Also, pleasuring him more often (not just sex) definitely won't hurt your relationship.
There were times for me (because of the pain) that I couldn't have sex and I never want to leave my husband without, so I would dress all up in "outfits" put on some porn, be really sexy for him and take care of him. It's really fun, makes you feel really sexy, and because your not technically having sex it doesn't hurt you and it's sexy and fun for him.
If you do it this way, hopefully, he'll be very pleased and more understanding about the sex thing. This WILL get rid of some of the tension between you guys. And don't be afraid so get all sexied up for him, he's your husband. It will be a very pleasant surprise.