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How do you split the responsibilities?
I need some perspective before I blow a gasket! I feel that the way DH and I have things set up when it comes to responsibilities, etc. is REALLLLY not working, but I am curious how people have this sort of thing set up in their homes and relationships...
When it comes to chores (dishes, laundry, cooking, vacuum, etc.), responsibilities (paying bills, food shopping, etc.), taking care of the kids (feeding, dressing, bedtime, bathtime, school pickup, etc.):
- How did you and DH decide who does what and how much? Did you have a formal discussion? Did it just kind of fall into place? What things did you consider when deciding who does what and how much?
- How do you have the chores and responsibilities divvied up in your household?
- Do you feel like it is 50-50? 60-40? 90-10? etc.?
- Does one of you work more or make more money than the other? Did that impact how you have things configured?
I certainly do not feel like things are arranged effectively in our household, but I feel like I b!tch and moan about things regarding chores and responsibilities SO much, and it seems so trivial when I look back on it. I thought some perspective would keep me level headed about things...
Thanks!!!!
Re: How do you split the responsibilities?
It can be stressful if you are taking more of the responsibility for the house. I ended up having a discussion with my husband about chores around the house because I felt like I was doing everything. I sometimes have to give him a little push on the weekend to get his chores done, but he's gotten in to a routine now and tends to do the chores once I start doing mine. If you are feeling overly stressed about how the responsibilities are being split, you need to have calm discussion about it, otherwise you will just continue to be unhappy and your marriage will suffer for it.
One of the things I took in to consideration when it came to dividing chores is how much time we each have to contribute. We both work 40 hours per week, so when it came to household chores, we're split 50/50. However, there are some weeks when my husband either works overtime or is out interviewing for jobs (he's trying to be a cop), and when that happens I typically pick up the slack because he doesn't have as much time. Who makes more money shouldn't make a difference unless one of you is working more hours.
As far as other household responsibilities go (e.g., paying bills, shopping, etc), it can sometimes vary. I handle the bills for the most part, but that's because I'm better with money than my husband. We usually do grocery shopping together, but that's because we do our shopping on Saturdays and we both have the day off. Shopping feels a lot more tolerable when you have some company. If I'm feeling overwhelmed and need some help, I simply ask for it.
We don't have kids just yet, so I don't have to factor that in.
It really boils down to communication. Your spouse won't know what you need unless you communicate it, and waiting until you're about to boil over is an incredibly ineffective way to go about things. You could try making a chore list and assign responsibilities that way. And have some flexibility. Even if you assign chores and everything else, it won't always happen the way you plan. Life happens, and sometimes one partner will have to pick up the slack.
My husband and I don't have kids so I won't even tread on that ground.
As far as chores go, the only thing that we really talked about in the beginning was that he does the dishes and I'll take care of the cat box. Other than that we shared cooking (he does breakfast mostly and I take care of dinner), laundry and other cleaning.
I willingly take care of the bills, but he always knows where the money is going and we make joint decisions on almost everything. I also like doing the grocery shopping and would take him maybe once a month or send him on a quick pick up run (bread, juice, etc.)
The only time that it hasn't been "evenly" divided is when our schedules get a little wacky. At one point he worked full time and I worked part time. Then, since I was home more, more chores fell to me. When he was unemployed and I was working full time, he was a domestic god.
Now, his work schedule has him gone for about 25 days a month, so I take care of everything then. When he's home, he picks his chores back up and gives me a break.
When he was home nightly and I was feeling over whelmed I learned that I need to approach him calmly and with examples in order to have an open dialogue. I will tell him flat out "I need help with something. Will you help me come up with a solution that works for both of us?" During the talk I make sure that I listen to what he says, ask him what he thinks, and ask "are you ok with this? are you sure?" "is there anything that I'm missing?" (maybe there's something that he needs to bring up and doesn't know how to approach it.)
Sometimes if there's things that I'm too emotional over I'll give him the heads up that I want to address _______, but not for a little bit because I know I'm not at a calm place and that way he's not blind sided by it.
If need be when you have your talk about the division of duties make sure its at a time that you two can focus on what's being discussed with the tv off and maybe when the kids are doing homework or are in bed depending on their ages. Bring a list if you need to in order to keep to facts instead of emotions and if things get heated, take a 5 minute cooling off period then come back to it.
Sorry this is so long, but ultimately relationships are like finger prints, each one is unique. I hope you were able to take something from this, good luck.
I'm sure I'm saying a lot of what the previous 2 posters have said -
for us, we never had a formal talk about it. It kind of fell into place. ANd for us, it really boils down to workload/work schedules.
In our "previous life", when DH was an attorney, he worked longer hours than I did. So I did more of the general chores simply because I was home more.
In our present life, DH works a job where he's 2 weeks on/ 2 weeks off. When he's not here - I have to at least PLAN on everything falling on me. When he gets home during his "on" time, he pitches in. ANd during his 2 weeks off, he's really, really great about taking on a big portion of the chores/errands, etc, to give me a break.
He always has me around, I often don't have him around. So - he tries to make up for that.
I've never felt our arrangement was unfair. It works for us.
What I'll add- to me, it's about TIME. Who has the time to do things. $$ has nothing to do w/ it. Now- often times, to make a lot of $$, that means you work long hours. But it's still not about $$. I've heard of men who have said "I make more than you - I don't have to do as much". Um- what? They are still an equal member of the household. As long as he has the TIME - what does $$ have to do w/ it?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
We do not have kids at home with us yet, and finances don't impact household responibilities. While it's just the two of us, we've managed to fall into a pretty non-verbal routine based on each other's strengths. However, one of the strong points of our relationship is the mutual respect we have for each other. Without that, it doesn't work.
I suck at dishes, so Dh does those most of the time. In exchange, I'm the only one who cleans the bathroom. DH does all the yard work, so I do the floors on the inside. I hate running errands, so DH does those while I manage the finances. Whoever wakes up first to pee takes care of the dog. We do our own laundry. I dust because it doesn;t occur to DH, while he takes out the trash and recycling. IT's a give and take. I recognize that I'm not always teh neatest of adults, so I rarely point fingers at DH. However, if I'm feeling like I'm holding more of the ersponsibility than I should I simply ask DH to take care of soemthing or another. "DH - the kitchen and bathroom are both a mess. Can you pick one while I do the other?" This is usually enough for him to realize he hasn't been carrying his own weight and we're good from there.
BEfore you blow up at DH, really think about what he contributes. It's natural to think we do more. And overlook what other people are doing. If he's really NOT doing anything, then hopefully he has enough respect for you that all you have to do is explain that you need him to be an equal partner in household responsibilities. If he doesn't respect you enough to help out, you have bigger problems than household chores.
Best of luck!
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
My husband and I have pretty much just fallen into a routine with it all. When he was unemployed, he did significantly more, but as soon as he got a job I started picking up the slack. We have our things that we're better at doing (he gets a little OCD and has to deep clean things every so often, whereas I can't stand looking at clutter so I tend to do the daily pick-up of stuff). He'll do the laundry and I'll usually fold it...if he works a long night, I will try to do a little something extra than I normally do. It's all about balance, give and take.
I also pick up on cues - if he's had a stressful day at work, I'm a LOT more likely to jump to get the kitchen cleaned before dinner so that we can eat quicker.
Some people work better with having a schedule of duties laid out, but we work better getting done what we can when we can because my husband's schedule is unpredictable.
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DH and I did discuss chores before we got married and we decided to do things the way our parents did.
Dh and I both work full time and sometimes we both work over time. Either way, I do the cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc. Call me crazy, but I get enjoyment out of doing those things. I don't take out garbage or do floors. That was agreed upon that he would do those things. Sometimes I just don't feel like cooking one day and if I ask, he will cook.
We don't have children yet, but we are trying so we have discussed our roles. He would like for me to stay at home with the kids and I don't mind.
I feel like in every marriage the couple should decide what's best for them. I don't mind doing 90% of chores even though we both work, but another woman might not like it, so communication is the key.
TTC since September 2012
When we first got married, I did a lot of the chores and then got tired of it. We sat down and wrote list of responsibilities and we chose which ones we'd do and stuck that list on side of fridge.
I do the cooking, washing clothes, sweeping, vacuuming and gardening. He washes dishes, takes trash out, mops, cuts grass and cleans bathrooms. We do have a cleaning lady once a month. Our salaries don't come into how we spilt the chores up, we both work full time /40 hrs a week so that doesn't matter either. I pay the bills online because I'm an accountant and good with budget, he's a spender, so far it's worked out, we have no children yet so I can't answer that question.
We usually go to grocery store together, I noticed we spend $15-20 more when we go together because I follow the list I make in advance but he likes to add extra snacks to cart when we go together. I only go alone when he has to work overtime, about once a month.
We don't have kids yet but that's planned for this year so I'm sure my answer may change then.
For now, we both agree that we want to feel balanced and like the other person is helping. I have a job that I tend to bring home & work weekends, etc. When I'm not doing that we split the chores pretty evenly, but not along traditional gender lines. We do things we like, or don't mind, doing. I cover trash/recycling/compost, he does the cooking, we both do laundry based on time, I pick up more clutter, etc. When I'm working crazy hours he picks up more slack. I sometimes have to make lists to clarify what I need done to feel taken care of, but he's always open to helping me out.
Until recently he was making more money so he paid a proportionately higher amount of house bills (rent, utilities, groceries, gas, etc). Now I'm making more so we're flipping that. This stuff is easy to change because we just auto debit our bank accounts into a 'house account' to cover all the house stuff. By balancing how much we're paying into the house, we're also evening out the spending money without restricting how the other person spends their money.
This system took some time to get working smoothly. At first I wanted the house much cleaner than he did and we had conflict trying to find our balance. What worked best was thinking about what I really want, and communicating it clearly. Then listening to what HE really wanted, and finding a system that makes us both feel happy and loved (and clean).