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Poll: Having Kids
I hope this doesn't get too personal - I'm really just curious since DH and I have kinda, sorta, possibly, might, start 'talking' about when to start having kids...
1. How old were you when you had your first?
2. Did you 'always' want to have kids or was it something that you realized once you were seriously dating/engaged/married?
3. Having kids changes your life instantly and dramatically - that's understood. In what way did your life change that you weren't expecting? (financially, your relationship with DH/sig. other, getting your act together to run errands, going back to work, etc)
4. If you do not have kids, and you don't mind sharing, why not? (again, finances, just waiting a few more years, don't want kids...)
Again, this is out of my own curiosity. I hope I'm not crossing any boundries here. And if you want to share any anecdotes...feel free.
My little anecdote - I wish kids were born around age 3-4. I never grew up around babies and the intimidate me. My niece is 3 and she's so much fun but when she was a baby - it was very intimidating to me. FFC - I still have never changed a diaper. Wow....I feel better.
Re: Poll: Having Kids
4. If you do not have kids, and you don't mind sharing, why not? (again, finances, just waiting a few more years, don't want kids...)
I've never been a big "kid" person. Other people's are fine and I like buying cute little clothes and toys for my friend's kids but I've never had an overwhelming desire to have my own. I think we would be more open to the possibility if we had more money or lived in a LCOL area but in our financial situation it would be tough. There's no way we could afford our mortgage and bills and daycare and we couldn't afford for one of us to stay home. Even if we could stretch and wing it, we would never have anything left to save or travel and do the things we like to do.
1. How old were you when you had your first? 31
2. Did you 'always' want to have kids or was it something that you realized once you were seriously dating/engaged/married? Always knew I wanted kids at some point, probably soon-ish after I got married.
3. Having kids changes your life instantly and dramatically - that's understood. In what way did your life change that you weren't expecting? (financially, your relationship with DH/sig. other, getting your act together to run errands, going back to work, etc) Having kids changes your life, but I don't miss our old life really. Most of the time I can't even remember what the hell we did all the time. The big thing is that we have less time to ourselves. We used to come home, eat dinner, and then watch TV most of the evening (yeah I know, lame). Now, we still eat dinner and watch TV, we just take care of the kid and get him fed and put to bed somewhere in there too. Sometimes I do miss being able to just crash if I'm tired or sick but DH will pick up the slack on those occasions usually. And DH and I do make an effort to each get time to ourselves a few days a month and that helps. And ditto what Remy said...you won't believe how much you love them even when they frustrate you so much.
Anecdote: I remember on our honeymoon DH saying he was ready whenever I was for kids and I was like whaaaaaat?! I was not ready then, but a few months later I got "the fever".
Re: your niece. I had ZERO experience around babies before DS. No cousins or much younger sibs, and really no close friends with babies. I was very nervous and I was *always* awkward around babies/kids. I never gushed over them or asked to hold them. But then we had our own and I dunno, you just sort of go with it. DH and I had lots of "are we doing this right/what should we do/what do you think" convos but we just worked it out. Changing a newborn's diaper is a cinch - it will take you all of 2 mins to learnBFP#1: 01/10, M/C 6w -- BFP#2: 06/10, M/C 5w -- BFP#3: 09/10, DS born June 1, 2011
BFP#4: 07/12, M/C 5w3d -- BFP#5: 12/12, EDD 08/18/13
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DH and I waited mainly for financial reasons. We've drastically reduced our debt and DH will be debt free this year. DH was also convinced that he was going to be the world's worst father. I reassured him that we know several people fighting dor that title! We are currently not preventing but not actively trying.
I completely understand your perspective. I was terrified when my nephew was born. He was the first baby I ever held, changed, fed, etc. When I would watch him, I'd worry he wasn't breathing when he was sleeping or he'd fall off the jungle g as he got older. When my niece was born, I was a little more comfortable. She is crazy (jumping on/off furniture, running up the stairs, etc) and its been reassuring to see how durable she is! I love this stage (18months). - she is so much fun and has me in hysterics.
I told DH that if we can't have kids and were considering adoption, I'd want to adopt a one year old and skip the infant stage.
How old were you when you had your first? I had Mia one week after my 26th birthday.
Did you 'always' want kids or was it something that you realized once you were seriously dating/engaged/married? I never wanted kids. I thought I was too selfish and that kids were too annoying. I'd started to get the first inklings of "hey, maybe I could have a family one day" just before I got the surprise positive pregnant test. I wasn't ready, but seeing those two lines got me ready reeeeeally fast.
In what way did your life change that you weren't expecting? It wasn't so much that I didn't expect it, but that we were unprepared for the changes because Mia wasn't a planned baby. I think that Ed was caught more off-guard by the changes as a whole because he'd never envisioned having kids and had zero experience with babies. I had a better idea of what to expect, but the biggest hit for us was financial because, again, we hadn't planned on this. We'd *just* bought a house, and buying a house and having a baby in the same year when you haven't planned it that way is pretty sucky.
That said, the things that I had no frame of reference for were the emotions and the lack of sleep. I think those are things that every mother can warn you about, but there's nothing remotely like actually living it. You can't fully grasp what it's like to be that hormonal, emotional, and sleep-deprived until you live it. I know that there are Moms on this board who didn't have hellacious newborn times, but I kinda did with Mia. I was overwhelmed. I cried a lot. I was tired in a way that I'd never, ever experienced before.
BUT. We got through it. It felt like the longest bit of my life while I was living it, but after-the-fact I could look back and realize that it was over in the blink of an eye. And with Liam it was SO much easier. I had other hurdles to face with him that I won't bore you with, 'cause I'm already wordy as all get out, but all around, the baby experience with Liam has been a breeze so far. He's a good baby and we know what we're doing. We're more laid back. We planned this one. All in all, it's been an easier experience.
1. How old were you when you had your first? I'll be 33 when baby P makes her arrival this year.
2. Did you 'always' want to have kids or was it something that you realized once you were seriously dating/engaged/married? I have never wanted children; however, it's something DH and I talked about before we got married. He was pretty sure he wanted kids and I told him I would agree when the time was right for us. We decided in late 2011 to start trying and now I'm pregnant! :-)
3. Having kids changes your life instantly and dramatically - that's understood. In what way did your life change that you weren't expecting? (financially, your relationship with DH/sig. other, getting your act together to run errands, going back to work, etc) I'll let you know in a few months!
4. If you do not have kids, and you don't mind sharing, why not? (again, finances, just waiting a few more years, don't want kids...) My main reason to not wanting children is that it would completely change my career. I'm a chemist and becoming pregnant would pull me out of laboratory immediately. Early in my career, that would have been extremely detrimental to my growth.
However, now that I have been working in my field for 10 years and I have established myself, the timing seemed appropriate. Over the past few years I have taken on new responsibilities that have transitioned me out of the lab and into a management position. I miss being in the lab tremendously, but I'm okay with it. I could have not said the same thing a few years ago.
1. How old were you when you had your first?
A week before my 37th birthday
2. Did you 'always' want to have kids or was it something that you realized once you were seriously dating/engaged/married?
I always wanted kids.
3. Having kids changes your life instantly and dramatically - that's understood. In what way did your life change that you weren't expecting? (financially, your relationship with DH/sig. other, getting your act together to run errands, going back to work, etc)
My daughter is on my mind pretty much 24/7, there is just a level of contant vigilance/monitoring that is completely instinctual response to her. It is almost impossible to turn off - even when I'm not with her. And, not in a paranoid, unhealthy way just - what did she eat today, was that healthy? Should I buy more coloring books? Oh, are all her pink crayons busted, does that matter? Would she color more if there were more colors she liked? Is that a disappointment she should live with? Should I correct her manners for this small thing? Is it time to be more concerned about her manners in general, etc. So. .. that loop is constantly, constantly running in the back of my mind - no matter waht I'm doing - at work, on vacation, at the movies, etc. I still manage to do all/most of whatever else I need to do in life, but alot of my emotional energy is tied up in DD and her well being. I don't know if I would be more or less engaged like this if I didn't work and was with her one on one more.
Financially - other than daycare costs, I wouldn't say I've seen any big changes in our life.
Ditto LLHR - those first few weeks are extremely difficult in a way you can't appreciate if you haven't experienced, but I will say you become part of a sisterhood once you are a mom and that has been very cool. There is something pretty awesome about having an old woman come up to you when you are struggling with a newborn and for her to reassure you that you are doing great, and then in turn, for you to pay it forward and help another mom in someway.
The one other thing to note too - is that the love is AMAZING! I really can barely talk about how much I love DD w/o falling apart and blubbering - its beyond words. And, perhaps equally spectacular is to realize that you are loved the same way by your parents. Watching your child develop and grow and become a person is like having a front row ticket to the best show you've ever seen or known about.
sorry. . . novel
4. If you do not have kids, and you don't mind sharing, why not? (again, finances, just waiting a few more years, don't want kids...)
na - I do wish I'd had DD earlier. Having a baby at 37 and now 40 is tougher than I realized. I think I'm finally at peace w/ one and done, but I wish it would be easier to have another.
1. How old were you when you had your first? I had Annabelle at 29 and Caroline at 31.
2. Did you 'always' want to have kids or was it something that you realized once you were seriously dating/engaged/married? I remember being in my early 20's really wanting marriage and babies, but it wasn't until DH and I were more established with our jobs, bought a house that we knew we were ready.
3. Having kids changes your life instantly and dramatically - that's understood. In what way did your life change that you weren't expecting? (financially, your relationship with DH/sig. other, getting your act together to run errands, going back to work, etc) I will admit I was a little naive going into the whole baby thing. I don't think I really knew what I was getting myself into. With A's early birth, I was educated much faster (thanks to the NICU). Financially we were ready, but now that we have two in daycare, we do struggle, but have cut out a lot of going out (I make dinner almost every night), less sporting events, etc. But each month we do make time for each other with the help of family (sleep overs for the girls are wonderful). And now instead of having DH run errands with me, I get to take the girl(s). Some times that has its benefits and other times it doesn't. But overall I don't think my life was complete until we had the girls and now that they are here, I can't imagine them not in our lives.
Before A was born DH and I took a child safety and what to expect class through the hospital. I was really more nervous about taking care of the baby, changing her diaper, putting clothes on her more than childbirth. They had the fathers/SO change the plastic baby diapers and I was so nervous that they ask me to do it. I had no idea what the heck I was doing.
1. How old were you when you had your first?
I'm 28 and I'm due in July. I'll be 29 in November.
2. Did you 'always' want to have kids or was it something that you realized once you were seriously dating/engaged/married?
I actually was pretty sure I wouldn't have my own biological children. I always wanted to adopt if at all. The longer I was with DH, the more I wanted to have our biological child. It's strange. It wasn't a mental thought process at all to go from one to the other. It was a deep down feeling. And that all sounds very weird, lol.
3. Having kids changes your life instantly and dramatically - that's understood. In what way did your life change that you weren't expecting? (financially, your relationship with DH/sig. other, getting your act together to run errands, going back to work, etc)
Our first is due in July, so I haven't had anything change yet, but we had a long time to prepare for this (3 years of infertility). In that time we really worked on our relationship. I think being sleep deprived and neither of us having a history of being around kids (i.e. we're clueless!) will be stressful and I wanted to make sure that our bond was as strong as it could be. Financially, it's a lot, too. I think that should definitely be part of the discussion about kids. Talk about what you want to be able to provide for the child and what that means financially. For us, we want to pay for college. So we've already looked into 529s
I1. How old were you when you had your first? 29
2. Did you 'always' want to have kids or was it something that you realized once you were seriously dating/engaged/married? ALWAYS
3. Having kids changes your life instantly and dramatically - that's understood. In what way did your life change that you weren't expecting? (financially, your relationship with DH/sig. other, getting your act together to run errands, going back to work, etc)
Definitely relationship wise-it was hard. I wasn't ready for all the emotions that come afterward (good and bad) and while I didn't have PPD I did have those hormonal changes that sometimes made me and DH battle a bit...we got a little bit out of 'us' and it was all about the baby so our relationship suffered...we were also going through job loss, financial difficulties etc which didn't help the stress. everything is good now but that was something I wasn;'t expecting. I thought it would be all unicorns and rainbows!
4. If you do not have kids, and you don't mind sharing, why not? (again, finances, just waiting a few more years, don't want kids...)
N/A...oh and I get the intimidating part...but it's funny how things just come to your natrually like you've been doing it all your life.
1. How old were you when you had your first?
29 and I'll be 32 by the time #2 arrives.
2. Did you 'always' want to have kids or was it something that you realized once you were seriously dating/engaged/married?
I definitely always wanted to have kids, but I wasn't always ready. One day I was ready but unfortunately I didn't realize you can't always get pregnant right away. It took until Kieran was about 2 for us to be ready for number 2 and luckily it didn't take as long as the first time around.
3. Having kids changes your life instantly and dramatically - that's understood. In what way did your life change that you weren't expecting? (financially, your relationship with DH/sig. other, getting your act together to run errands, going back to work, etc)
First off I can't remember life before Kieran was born. My family comes first before anything else. The love I feel for my son is unreal. Although their is constant worry that comes with the love as well. I now understand and appreciate my parents a million times over.
Financially we were in a good spot when we had Kieran. Not sure how it'll be once #2 starts daycare, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Seeing my husband as a father has allowed me to see another side of my husband. I love seeing the two of them interact together, and seeing how excited he gets when our son learns something new.
We were definitely very tired early on, and with the fact that Kieran was born early and spent 3 weeks in the NICU I think that strengthened our relationship in the sense that we had each other to lean on.
I ended up getting laid off while on maternity leave and didn't go back to work until Kieran was 8.5 months. That was a bit stressful and it made it even harder to go back to work because Kieran was just starting to be really fun.
I am not a homebody, so I was out running errands and leaving the house every day once Kieran left the NICU. I personally didn't have a rough transition with this. Especially as a baby he was easy to transport and was a great car sleeping. We have to be more flexible with his nap schedule now that he is older, but he is very predictible so it's not too tough for us.
I now think we have a good balance of work and family life.
2. Did you 'always' want to have kids or was it something that you realized once you were seriously dating/engaged/married? Always. I had a heart shaped pillow that I'd stuff under my shirt and pretend I was pregnant and loved playing with dolls. Kids were always a part of my life plan and I'm grateful I have been able to accomplish this huge want in my life. DH always wanted them too. We just had to decide when the time was right for us to try.
3. Having kids changes your life instantly and dramatically - that's understood. In what way did your life change that you weren't expecting? (financially, your relationship with DH/sig. other, getting your act together to run errands, going back to work, etc) I have to agree with Kathryn that the biggest change is how my mind is completely on someone else ALL the time now. B is always at the front of my mind and I have a lot more anxiety than I used to after becoming a mother. I worry about her all the time, her future, my future, how to shape her into a wonderful person, etc. My love for her is insane and but sometimes this makes me so nervous/anxious that it's not good for me! There were moments and periods of time where having a baby definitely strained mine and DH's relationship but we work through it, realized what we needed to do not only for each other but for ourselves and we make it work. We're definitely worried about how adding #2 will affect us all over again but we agree that we just can't take anything out on each other and to work together as a team.
Someone's getting a little brother!
1. How old were you when you had your first? 28
2. Did you 'always' want to have kids or was it something that you realized once you were seriously dating/engaged/married?
I've always wanted kids. I was in child development in high school and then worked in childcare for over 5 years before changing careers.
3. Having kids changes your life instantly and dramatically - that's understood. In what way did your life change that you weren't expecting? (financially, your relationship with DH/sig. other, getting your act together to run errands, going back to work, etc): We were prepared monetary wise. My job would never have covered daycare so I chose to stay home. DH's check covers rent and the other things we need to pay. We do still have debt that we need to pay off but that's why I took a part time job. We butt heads sometimes over discipline but nothing we can't work through. I can be pretty laid back so it never stressed me out to go out with the kids. We go out with my MIL every week and have since B was a baby. They're both very good out in public.
I love my kids so much, it's ridiculous. Even when they're terrors, I still love them. I agree with Kathryn about the sisterhood of moms. It was so cool to get to experience the same things my mom did and some of the same issues. It's wonderful to see my two play together. I tear up sometimes thinking of when my sister and I were young.
And if you want to share any anecdotes...feel free: I'm not baby person at all. I have a sensitivity to high pitched noises. I preferred working in the 2,3,4 classrooms at my job. I lucked out with a mellow, low toned first child. My second sure made up for him
1. 30 when I had my first
2. I always wanted kids but it wasn't the right time for us for a while. I eventually got baby fever and then I knew it was time
3. I have to hoard my sick time at work for when the kids are sick, rather than taking "me time" like I would prefer to do with it. On days where I might have stayed home pre-kids, I just suck it up and go to work because if one of them is sick we cannot take them to daycare but i can use my own sick time to take care of them.
This is SO true. I took 1 sick day last year for myself but I was actually sick many more days than that. I had to save the very little leave I had for when DS was sick and couldn't go to daycare.
BUT...DH could sometimes take off too, and we got help from ILs. A, I know your family is close by too so that is a major plus when it comes time for having kiddos!
BFP#1: 01/10, M/C 6w -- BFP#2: 06/10, M/C 5w -- BFP#3: 09/10, DS born June 1, 2011
BFP#4: 07/12, M/C 5w3d -- BFP#5: 12/12, EDD 08/18/13
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1. How old were you when you had your first? 30
2. Did you 'always' want to have kids or was it something that you realized once you were seriously dating/engaged/married? I always wanted kids, just wasn't sure when exactly.
3. Having kids changes your life instantly and dramatically - that's understood. In what way did your life change that you weren't expecting? (financially, your relationship with DH/sig. other, getting your act together to run errands, going back to work, etc) Honestly, I dont think our life has changed that much. We do more laundry, we are more tired, that kind of thing - but we still do basically what we did before kids. If we go out to eat we just go out earlier, if we go to the mall we are prepared to leave if DS can't handle it, etc. So I guess the biggest change has just been adjusting our mentality to "if this doesnt work out, no big deal" for whatever we do end up doing. we are a lot more flexible.
4. If you do not have kids, and you don't mind sharing, why not? (again, finances, just waiting a few more years, don't want kids...) n/a
This was us as well. We just kind of went with the flow and did things like we would have normally. Took him to the mall when he was less than a week old and then the Frederick fair at like 1 week.
1. How old were you when you had your first? I was 23 with Nicholas and then had Emma 2 weeks before I turned 25
2. Did you 'always' want to have kids or was it something that you realized once you were seriously dating/engaged/married? I hadn't really thought about kids till we got married and even then it was just a 'sometime in the future' thing till the plus sign showed up on the test for Nicholas
3. Having kids changes your life instantly and dramatically - that's understood. In what way did your life change that you weren't expecting? (financially, your relationship with DH/sig. other, getting your act together to run errands, going back to work, etc) The biggest thing for me was the getting up to go thing, i always underestimated how much time it would take to get things ready, to do whatever i was going to do, etc all that. I also think DH wasn't prepared for the amount of work they were and since he worked never understood why I was so tired at the end of the day even though I 'hadn't done anything all day' so that lead to problems with us.
And like others said- I had never changed a diaper till DS and it might have taken me a bit longer then someone who'd done it before but it got done
1. How old were you when you had your first? 25
2. Did you 'always' want to have kids or was it something that you realized once you were seriously dating/engaged/married? I always wanted kids
3. Having kids changes your life instantly and dramatically - that's understood. In what way did your life change that you weren't expecting? (financially, your relationship with DH/sig. other, getting your act together to run errands, going back to work, etc) I did not realize how much I needed time to myself and how little of that would there be once there are kids
4. If you do not have kids, and you don't mind sharing, why not? (again, finances, just waiting a few more years, don't want kids...) N/A
2. Did you 'always' want to have kids or was it something that you realized once you were seriously dating/engaged/married? I always knew I wanted at least one kid. I used to think I wanted two until I saw how expensive one was.
3. Having kids changes your life instantly and dramatically - that's understood. In what way did your life change that you weren't expecting? (financially, your relationship with DH/sig. other, getting your act together to run errands, going back to work, etc) Nothing really changed that we weren't expecting. I sometimes miss the days of being able to take a trip to AC at the drop of a hat or take a last minute vacation somewhere. Having a kid allowed me to manage our finances better, had to be sure that we had money to pay for things like daycare, toys, clothes etc.
4. If you do not have kids, and you don't mind sharing, why not? (again, finances, just waiting a few more years, don't want kids...) I've only got one kid and will remain in the one and done club, mainly for medical reasons.
1. How old were you when you had your first? She was born on my 31st birthday
2. Did you 'always' want to have kids or was it something that you realized once you were seriously dating/engaged/married? always thought I would have kids.
3. Having kids changes your life instantly and dramatically - that's understood. In what way did your life change that you weren't expecting? (financially, your relationship with DH/sig. other, getting your act together to run errands, going back to work, etc) I didnt expect the zombie, emotional wreck that I felt for the first 4/6 weeks. It was definitely PPD, and I got it bad.
My little anecdote - I wish kids were born around age 3-4. I never grew up around babies and the intimidate me. My niece is 3 and she's so much fun but when she was a baby - it was very intimidating to me. FFC - I still have never changed a diaper. Wow....I feel better.
I am pretty sure I am in the "one and done" club. I don't think I could handle all of the emotions I was going through those first few weeks. I was a mess. Thank G-d DH was home wth me for the first 3 weeks. And thank goodness I said something to my doctor about the way I was feeling. Others may not feel this way (ie Tom Cruise to Brooke Sheilds) but I am glad I got put on anti-depression meds. And thanks to some of the ladies on here that let me vent to them. It helps to talk to people that have been through it.