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Being Unreasonable?
Quick back ground: I am a full time nurse I work 4 to 5 nights a week and do not see my husband those days. I work every other weekend so every two weeks I only get two full days to spend with my husband. This was not the plan but thanks to the recession this is what I am stuck with until a different shift opens, unless I want to take a huge pay cut. My husband loves to bowl and I can take it or leave it. So he is in a bowling league on Thursday nights and I make sure I work every Thursday night because it is a men's only league and watching someone bowl is just not entertaining for me. If you are not familiar with bowling leagues it is not like my husband can really hang out with me while I am watching him, he really needs to be on the lane and I am not allowed down by the lane during play time.
Well my husband announces at dinner that he joined a Sunday night bowling league with one of our couple friends (guy and girl) and the husband of that couple's brother (because they know I can not get every Sunday off for a league). My husband did not talk to me about this at all, he sprung it on me. I might have been a bit short with him and it was obvious I wasn't happy about this.
I pointed out that this means I will not see him Sundays from 6pm-10pm, which is one of the few days we get to be together. He argues that it will not be like his other league because it is smaller, so it will be shorter. (I doubt that; my husband sucks at time, he thinks he gets home from bowling at 10:00 because he gets home sometime within that hour, to me 10:45 is closer to 11:00, but that is neither here nor there.) And he says I can come watch. Like I said I've been to bowling leagues. It is not what I want to do with my time off. If I could bowl with them it would be different, but that isn't fair to our friend's little brother. He wants to be in the league and he is in high school so it is not fair to only let him play every other when I'm not there. To him this is something he gets to do with his brother who doesn't live at home anymore. Watching them bowl for 3 hours is not how I want to spend my night off.
When I pointed all of this out to my husband he said I was being unreasonable. It is only 8 weeks and it isn't a big deal. I said that is a lot of time and he says it isn't. And then he points out he has to go away for a weekend on business anyways so he wouldn't even have been home that weekend. That isn't helping, that is a whole weekend I don't see him then.
He sprung this on me over dinner in public and I didn't want it to get awkward so I apologized and said, "If that is really what you want to do with your weekend I guess I will find something to do on those days."
Am I too dependent on my being with my husband? Recently both my sisters moved to Texas and my best friend moved to California. My husband and I moved to the suburbs so we are a half hour away from all my other friends . . . maybe I am just lonely. The situation is still bugging me. Do I just need to suck it up and let him have two months of Sundays? Or do I need to find some Sunday night friends?
Re: Being Unreasonable?
It sounds to me like you are lonely and taking it out on his bowling activity. Do you spend quality time when you are actually together? What IS it like when you do spend time together? I think it's normal and healthy to have activities/friendships outside of your marriage/work. Maybe on those nights you can spend time with yourself, or with your friends/family or on an activity you enjoy doing yourself?
Reading through your post though, I think it is unreasonable to expect to spend the entire time you are not working with your husband. It's a bummer you have odd shifts and miss him X times a week, but I am wondering if the time you DO spend together is actually meaningful.
This sounds a lot like one of the reasons i got divorced.
My X worked 70 hrs a week, all weekends and holidays, BUT expected me to be there on the rare occassion he was around.
Go with him bowling when you are home on sundays,,,,you may even have some fun.
Go to dinner alone before hand...
Since the Sunday night league is co-ed, why not join the team? All of the time you spend together doesn't need to be at home together.
And if there is no room on the team this cycle, why not find another mutual activity that you guys can do together? Being social together is a great way to keep connected.
Ugh. I feel you on this. I wouldn't want to spend half of my weekend nights at a godsdamned bowling alley, either.
I'd be mad, but honestly what I wouldn't do is go with him. I'd find something to do by myself. I'd still be angry, though.
I agree.
TTC since September 2012
Okay I see how you all are taking this and I guess I am not being clear.
First off, I can not join the co-ed league. The four of them signed up together. That is a complete team. Unless I find 3 other people to go with it is not possible. Also I would miss every other game because I have to be at work every other weekend. If I go to watch them I am not allowed on the floor with them so I am just watching. Not interacting.
Secondly comparing being busy to not seeing your husband is not that same thing. In two weeks I see my husband three week nights and one set of week ends. Yes you are busy with your kids, I understand you all have things going on, but I don't SEE him AT ALL on the other days. When I get home at night he is already asleep and he leaves in the am before I wake up. If he gets home at 6:30pm on the week nights and goes to bed at 11:30pm. I have 15 hours of week nights with him, 32 hours on the weekend off assuming we sleep, and the other weekends that I work I have 4 hours each day with with him before I leave. If you do the math there is 336 hours in two weeks. I spend 39 hours with my husband every two weeks. I physically see my husband very little. It isn't a lot of time and to be honest week days are filled with discussing things like meal planning, groceries, vacation planning, paying bills, and things that need to get fixed/done around our place. I am not saying I grocery shop during that time I just make the list with him so he gets what he wants. I get all shopping done on my week days off while he is at work. Yes my schedule sucks. Yes I need to keep working. No I can not move my hours to anything else. No my boss doesn't care that this is hard on my marriage.
I do my own things. I occupy the 64 hours during those two weeks when he is working and I am free. That is a lot of my own time.
I really don't think asking him to be available every other Saturday and Sunday is divorce worthy. As you said it was one of other reasons you got divorced. I am sure there was more to that story. I am not regulating his time. We got married because we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Sue me if the free time available to both of us I want us to use together. Call me crazy but wanting to spend time with my husband strikes me as a good thing.
And it is quality time on the weekends. We go dancing, we go out to dinner, we watch movies, we have a date night, we cuddle on the couch and watch old episodes of Star Trek and make fun of the aliens, we make homemade pizza, we play Beatles Rock Band together, we play Resident Evil and he doesn't complain that I am horrible at video games, we go bowling together (that is right, I do bowl WITH my husbnd), we have long discussions on our views of politics, the state of the world, what we think is wrong with kids today, how we want to raise our kids one day. Do we occasionally hang out with our couple friends too? Yes, of course. I don't think that makes it any less meaningful, it is healthy to have couple friends. In fact, this same couple in the new league with my husband used to take turns with us for hosting dinner on nights with new Breaking Bad episodes and we'd all discuss the episode afterwards.It was a lot of fun.
I am not saying we can not go out. All I am asking for is something I can be a part of. I am asking him to keep the weekends I am not working as time we can spend together, now while we still can, before there are other obligations to deal with. He can do whatever he wants to do on the week nights I am not home and the weekends I am not home. He does. He goes out with the guys, goes to weekend bowling competitions, has dinner with his parents, and other things.
Also I did not forbid him from going to this, I expressed my displeasure with it. He is going. He'll have fun. I'll find something to do. Hopefully, next time he asks how I feel about something before committing to something like this.
He should have talked to you first. On that, I'm fully on your side. It was wrong of him to do this w/o talking to you.
BUT clearly the only "right" answer in your mind is "no, he doesn't do it", and on that, I'm not as much on your side. I get all your reasoning for the most part - I do.
BUT still. It's actually only 4 of your Sunday's, and it's for just a few hours at night.
You say: " I am asking him to keep the weekends I am not working as time we can spend together, now while we still can, before there are other obligations to deal with."
Do you mean kids? If so, this argument actually goes in the reverse for me. NOW is the time for him to do this stuff because once you have kids, your time is even more spoken for than before. If you're upset w/ him now - NO WAY in heck will you ever be on board w/ him doing bowling once you add kids to the mix!
My DH works a 2 weeks on/ 2 weeks off job. My parents often keep DS overnight on WEdnesdays. During the summer, DH sails in the Wednesday night races. To me, these would be great "date night" nights and I DO feel a little bit of "but we don't get that much time together!" - so I DO understand where you're ocming from.
But then I make myself take a step back and I realize that this is what he LOVES to do. It's fun, it's relaxing, it's a part of 'who' he is. So I sit back and tell him to enjoy.
I can't go with him (well, I could, but I have NOOOOOOOOO desire to sail) - but I'll actually often drive down (an hour away) on those nights and meet up w/ him afterwards for dinner. I don't do it every week that he sails, but here and there, I'll do it. I try to make the best of it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your follow up post had a lot of math.
This tells me that you might be scorekeeping. And IME, scorekeeping helps nothing.
I think telling him how you feel about the 8 week commitment should be enough. And next time, if a similar opportunity comes up, he should speak to you first.
Exactly what I thought, plus a lot of bitterness and resentment. I agree him just doing it without mentioned it to you was not cool, but what is done is done. Use the time to find something you like to do yourself apart from him. Do you have any hobbies of your own?
As a nurse who works night shift occasionally, ill say one thing: night shift sucks! In my opinion, it's completely depressing. I don't see or even hardly talk to my husband for days on end. I completely lose contact with the outside world all together: friends, family, etc etc. Maybe it's the shift in itself that is making you feel lonely. It's hard to stay in touch with people when you're awake when they're sleeping and vice versa.
I agree that it's good to have activities outside of your marriage, and I have a husband who plays hockey on Mondays, soccer on Thursdays (and sometimes Sundays) and the list can go on. I'm not into sports, and it's harder for me to find social activities to do on my own. But I actually thoroughly enjoy the time alone. I kick up with a book or watch the sex and the city marathon that I'd never get to watch if he was home. I would be kind of annoyed if he signed up for yet another sporting activity without at least running it be my, because he's good about that.
Maybe take the time on sundays to do something you want to do, even if it's along. It's only 8 weeks. But I do feel you on the night shift. It can be terribly lonely, even my husband gets upset when they spring a few weeks on me (I rotate and am normally on days). I hope you can find a new position soon!