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Can I whine for a second?
The last few days have been hard on me. I've been pretty bummed out since I woke up on Wednesday, and I couldn't tell anyone why. But the reason is this: Thursday was my birthday. I turned 30. And I knew my husband wasn't going to do anything special for me.
I know, I know. I should just put on my big girl panties and get over it. I've been with DH for almost 10 years now, and he's not exactly Captain Forethought. I can only remember one birthday in the past that he's actually remembered my birthday and done anything about it. I don't know why I expected this year to be any different, but I guess I thought that since it was a BIG one, he'd care a little more.
When he turned 30 in December, I did not let is slip by unnoticed. I bought he and I tickets to see Wicked 8 months in advance to be sure he'd be able to get the day off at work. The night before his birthday, he worked until midnight, so I had our kids make signs that we stuck to the door so he'd see them when he got home. I had a cake sitting on the counter waiting for him. And when our kids had their birthdays last year, I of course as Mommy spent weeks planning for parties and gifts. But I got nothing in return but a facebook post from him telling me how good I look for my age - a thought that hadn't even occurred to me until he brought it up!
I spend all day at work, just like him, but I come home and take care of our kids, do all the chores, make dinner, give baths, read bedtime stories...you name it. It just would have been nice if he'd done something special for me. Even if he just called and had flowers sent to my office. Instead I came home to a dirty house and hungry kids, just like any other day. I feel so unappreciated.
Re: Can I whine for a second?
Guys usually don't get this stuff. We drop hints we think are obvious but truly and honestly most men need things spelled out for them. You need to tell your husband how you feel and let him know in a non confrontational way. Use a lot of sentences that begin with, "I feel ____ when you don't notice ____". If you accuse him it will turn into a fight. Chances are he didn't know it was that important to you, and will feel bad when he finds out he let you down. Suggest he find some time to make it up for you.
It took me two years of hint dropping to get flowers as a surprise, but I once told my husband I liked candle light baths with him and I get one a month that he sets up on his own. The difference you'll see is the direct approach is much more effective.
I appreciate the direct approach. I tried it once, but it didn't work. Two years ago, a week before our anniversary, I came up to him and said, "Our anniversary is next week. I would like flowers. My favorite flowers are called sunset roses." I gave him a kiss and walked away. Our anniversary came and went. Nothing. I guess DH is a little thick headed.
Last year I took matters into my own hands and planned everything myself. We had an amazing time. I just don't know how to get through to him on this stuff. I shouldn't have to plan my own birthday just to enjoy myself. It's not like I wanted anything big; I'm a homebody. But sheesh...would it have killed him to have cleaned up the house? Maybe buy me a birthday card? Anything?
Have you told your H that him remembering your birthday/planning something is important to you? If he knows and still forgets, I'd say he's a douche. It's BS that he can't set a reminder for himself ahead of time and plan something special for you. A FB post doesn't count, BTW.
I told my H when we were dating that I want a present the morning of my birthday and to do something special. H says he'll always remember my birthday because it's important to me (which makes it important to him). He's big on having a happy wife and that's one way to have me be happy.
Listen you married him like this...you didnt mind enough not to marry him.
My H remembers all holidays and ocassions, dont except it is a guy thing because that is a cop out that women give to men.
You married him like this so you love him regardless...you can sit him down talk to him again and be blunt and honest. What else can you do? leave him over it?
Your other option is to do it for yourself every year.
You accepted him like this when you married him.
You guys need to read "The Five Love Languages".
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
You are doing all these things for him, but it isn't clear that 'gifts' are his way of perceiving love. You are doing for him what you want him to do for you.
What you need to do is figure out what *his* love language is -- what makes him feel loved. And you need to figure out what *you* need him to do to make you feel loved, because right now, you don't feel loved by him. I would put money on the fact that he thinks he is doing things for you that show his love for you and can't understand why he isn't making you happy.
You guys should read the book, figure out each other's love language and then commit to acting on that knowledge to make each other happy. Otherwise you both will feel miserable, angry, hurt and disenchanted with each other.
Good luck.
I Agree with this....
I make it clear to my husband when an event is coming up at least two weeks in advance. I show him that the date is marked on the calendar and what the event is (birthday, anniversary, etc.). I also tell him that when a card is requested I want it ready for me when I wake up (I work nights.) not at the end of the day when I feel like an after thought.
Next, I tell him what my expectation are. I told him that I want a card for Valentine's Day. (I'll probably get it late due to his work schedule, but he knows what I want.) Today I told him that if he's within 3 hours of home I wanted to have dinner with him on 2/14 in person. If that doesn't work we'll be eating dinner together on the phone.
For Christmas I go shopping for his presents alone. For my presents we go together that way he knows I'll like what I get and he helps pick it out. One year I wanted jewelry, he doesn't like giving jewelry because it's frivolous. We compromised and I picked out a really nice watch.
I think the key questions to ask would be "will you help me figure out what needs to be done so that ______ is celebrated and you remember? What are your ideas?"
Good luck!
I agree this is not a guy thing. My husband has not once forgotten my birthday or any other major holiday. It's ok though, to let him know what you want. For example, DH and I prefer to do something for valentines day, and not do presents.
If you did tell him what you wanted and he ignored it, well, that's crappy of him. He's not putting in any effort. Plus, his Facebook message was kinda mean. I think you need to sit him down and tell him you were upset by the lack of attention to your birthday, and that for you it is special. Even if he isn't into birthdays, he should make an effort if you are.
This isn't a guy thing. My husband remembers everything. However, I don't expect him to read my mind. As much as I would love it if he could, he can't.
You tried the direct approach, but honestly, it wasn't done well.
When my birthday is coming up, I say it. I remind him. We have a tradition of going out to dinner on birthdays so I ask if he wants restaurant suggestions or does he want to pick. We talk about -What time works for you? I think I'm in the mood for sushi this year. It's not just a one and done.
We also have traditions each year. One Christmas present, cards on birthdays, dinner on birthdays, card on Valentine's Day. We both are clear every year what is going to happen.
I think it's a bit childish to expect more from your husband who has done the same thing very year and then become very hurt and angry when he does what's always been done. Speak up. Make new traditions. Discuss them a few times as the dates come closer.
Your H sounds lazy and you are under appreciated. Honestly, this is a big deal to you and it sounds like you are hurt. Maybe a huge fight is called for over this. If you sit him down and tell him how you feel and he gets defensive and an augment breaks out, he will only have himself to blame. I just can't understand tip toeing around this after you have told him before and he still isn't getting it. You are going to have to spell it out for him or I fore see a bunch of hurt on future days for you.
Personally your H sounds like an a$$ who is using excuses to not have to put forth any effort.
yeah, because you know thats just how men are...men dont need to make excuses because women make them for them~
"I spend all day at work, just like him, but I come home and take care of our kids, do all the chores, make dinner, give baths, read bedtime stories."
Why doesnt this surprise me????
I think that this is probably very true. It certainly has been true in my marriage. Before we got married we talked about different ways that we feel loved or try to love each other a lot! But we still have to sit down and discuss it regularly sometimes, especially for me because I am extremely feelings based. For example, if he doesn't TELL me that he loves me and I am beautiful I don't feel loved at all. His natural way of loving me is by doing things for me and (I got lucky) he brings me little gifts quite often. I have to consciously think about the fact that in his mind, he is showing me huge amounts of love even though he is not always speaking the words.
Also, communicate. Telling him, on this day I want this, won't change him. Sit him down and start to explain the things that make you feel loved and what hurts you or makes you feel unappreciated. Don't blame him! I would suggest that you think of several things that you love about him or things that he does that you really appreciate and intersperse those into your conversation. He will be much more receptive to suggestions if he feels like you are at least seeing and paying attention to some of the great things he is doing, even if its not a big deal to you.
Finally, don't expect anything to change overnight. You've been married for a while, he is used to doing things the way he does them and it takes a lot of time and effort to change habits. Be patient and have lots of open, non blaming conversations. Things can change.
As PP's have said, this is not a guy thing. When my husband and I first started dating, he asked me when my birthday was and put it on his calendar. That was almost nine years ago, and in all that time he has never once forgotten a birthday or major holiday. Sure, if I know a big day is coming up, I might say, "Hey, this Valentine's Day, I really want to go to Restaurant X..." I don't expect him to read my mind. But I do expect my husband to remember important days and put some effort in, because hey, he's an adult who supposedly loves me. I don't think that's too much to ask. So yeah, I think your husband is being extremely thoughtless and immature.
Another thing I found troubling about your post is you said that you work all day, make dinner, do all the chores, take care of the kids by yourself, etc. Why? What is your husband doing all that time? If you both work full time, why on earth are you stuck doing everything around the house by yourself? Honestly, this seems like further proof that your husband is thoughtless and immature. I could maybe understand that he just doesn't get the importance of holidays and birthdays, but the fact that he expects you to do all the housework/ cooking/ childcare yourself...this gets into immature douchebag territory.
I'm not sure if you'll be able to change this about him, but it's certainly worth sitting him down and having a long talk. Make sure you communicate, clearly, how hurt you feel when he ignores your birthday. Incidentally, have you tried to communicate this to him before? Have you asked him, pointblank, why he doesn't do anything special for you? I'm curious what is answer is.
Also, I would address the housework issue, too. Sit down and tell him that you simply can't go on carrying such a big load yourself. The two of you can work to together to decide which chores will be his responsibility. Then, hold him to it. Don't expect a huge change overnight, but take small steps to eventually get to where you want to be.
Honestly, he might not ever really be able to change to the point where it makes you happy. At which point, you have to choose whether to put up with it or move on.
Thank you, ladies. You've all given me a lot to think about.
FWIW, I did ask him point blank this morning about it. I told him he'd had 364 days notice, and for him to let it go wasn't cool. I wasn't bitchy about it, we actually had a good conversation.
I understand that he's been this way for a while and no, I don't expect him to change overnight. But for the record, I didn't know that he'd be like this when we got married. He's very much like his father, who I didn't know when we were dating. He was actually kind of on the outs with his family, and having lost a parent at a very young age, I pushed for him to be back in their lives while he still could be. But his father behaves exactly this way. He worked very hard to provide for his family, but when he comes home, that's the end for him. He puts his feet up, and his wife and kids cater to him. I suppose that my DH expected things to be like that with us. And for a while, I let it happen. I started really getting on his case about helping me out when our kids were born. Things will work for a while, but then after a few weeks, we'll both get lazy and things go back the way they were.
It's not something that I'm willing do divorce the man over - I love him very much. I just want to knock some sense into the man. But as you all said, small steps. We'll get there. Thanks.
I think the bold is key. Having been married 9 months I am realizing more and more that the way people grow up really affects married life in more ways than you can even imagine. Having seen his father act like that his whole life it only makes sense that he would behave that way. It may or may not be right but it is an unconscious expectation that he has. And it sounds like it was not addressed when you first got married so you can probably expect that it will take a long time to change. I would suggest you start talking about it from this standpoint rather than being upset and blaming. If you both understand where the behaviour is coming from it will be a lot easier to try to change.
I'm sure you know EXACTLY what I think of a guy who can't even be bothered to take a few minutes and think of something his wife would like, once a year. What a dud.
And a fb post telling you look good "for your age." How in the hell do guys like this ever get laid, let alone married?!
I agree that this makes the situation worse. Obviously he KNEW it was your birthday, and he still could not be bothered to even pick up some flowers on the way home from work. THis is not forgetfulness, this is thoughtlessness.
It's not a guy thing... it's a he is not listening to what is important to you thing.
he loves when you cater to him and plan it all right? So say you'd like that too.
In this day and age of cell phones and all other technology. You just take his phone, input all important dates and set them to re occur yearly. This way he doesn't have an excuse for forgetting. You can even put the reminder for the event a few days before so he can buy a gift. If he really just "forgets" dates, this could be a life saver.
On a side note. I'd be super pissed if my H forgot my 30th birthday. Why on earth would you just let that slide?
See that whole your H sounds lazy and stuff is really messed up. All of that was unnecessary .