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Am I doomed to bland sex?
Back story: Before my husband and I got together, he hadn't been with anyone in three years (bad break up). I had also recently gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship. So his past experiences were, pretty basic, never talked about it, just did the same kind of stuff. I may have been a little intimidating, I do like things a little more wild.
Suffice it to say when we did start having sex it was short, which was fine. But we have had many road blocks in our sex life and he still isn't really comfortable talking about it. (We have been together almost 2 years). Sex with him doesn't last very long, usually 5 minutes tops. But the main problem is that most of the time I never climax. Due to the fact that I've done everything I can to tell him what gets me off but I don't think it is really clicking with him. I've told him after sex that I really liked what he did but next time could he do this. I tried redirecting him during. And it just seems like he goes into this robotic mode & doesn't really respond to it. I have kind of stopped trying to get pleasured because it just doesn't work.
And he's not into other things. Toys, games, oils, role-play....he chokes up and can't talk about it. Sometimes I can spice it up by talking dirty but he cannot reciprocate. Even when I try to be sexy and jump him when he comes home...taking off his clothes & throwing him on the bed...he can't do it without humming or making goofy noises, making it funny, not sexy. And totally killing my buzz.
One day I just want him to jump me, rip my clothes off & tease me & tell ME what to do. I love him so much and I will wait as long as I need to for him to be more confident in bed or for it to even matter to him. He would be happy just to do it often enough but I can't even bring up doing different (more exciting) things in bed let alone tell him that I can't remember the last time I actually had an orgasm.
Re: Am I doomed to bland sex?
There's a bunch of problems here -- first off, why is he lasting 5 minutes? Is it nerves? is it a psychological thing? Is he just not getting it that a woman needs foreplay and lots of it and he just jumps on and pumps away like he's in the middle of shooting a porn film?
You and he know the answers to these questions; you and he need to work on this problem together.
YOu have probably never masturbated. You don't know what gets you off. I suggest you start now. And then show him what makes you orgasm when you find out what touches turn you on.
The rest sounds like a clear cut case of sexual incompatibility. If sex is important to you and you need a guy who's hot and into it as much as you are, then please above all, find a guy who wants what you want in the bedroom.
That's a little extreme right now.
The bottom line: Again and as always communication is key.
My suggestion is the one I always give when it's a situation where each person is at a different side of the coin:
Sit down and talk about the problem with him, at length, on a day when there are no interruptions -- set aside a good chunk of time to have the discussion.
Sex takes 5 minutes; as I said, is this nerves? is this a physical problem? Is it psychological? Find out and work on this together.
And I can't see how you've gone this long with intercourse lasting a whole a 5 minutes. I do not think this is a case of nerves or inexperience on his part.
Address the problem and the both of you work on it together. That is what's important here.
And if he still won't mix it up or try something new or wow, take your suggestions to do this or that, not good news. This is when you should be questioning your future with him -- if he won't fix it, it is a character issue and that's not good. He is responsible for ensuring you are happy in all areas of your marriage (the same as you are responsible to make sure he's happy in all departments) and that includes the bedroom.
This. Exactly. He's shutting down when you make suggestions during and after because he's hearing it as criticism, not help. This conversation needs to happen on neutral territory at a neutral time. Perhaps with booze.
It sounds like he's self conscious. Masturbate in front of him. Show him what you like. Or have him blindfold you and take charge. Maybe if he knows you can't see him, he'll loosen up a bit.
And we had to institute a no talking rule during sex because my DH just laughs or is annoying. It's better with no talking
5 mintes of intercourse is not that unusual. The Journal of Sexual Medicine has published peer reviewed studies that suggest 7-13 minutes of penetrative intercourse is both typical and preferred for most. So 5 minutes is not that far outside of the norm.
Whether or not the OP's H can 'fix' his outlook on sex is not a reflection of his character. Some people have lower libidos, lower sex drives, lower wants and needs. And that is perfectly normal and perfectly ok. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with a low libido any more than there is something wrong with a high libido. Don't pathologize the H's sex drive before you consider the OP's in the same light. At the end of the day, they are just different. Not right or wrong. Different.
What might not be ok is the compatibility between the OP and her H. And that is something they will need to address together. This is not one conversation. It will almost certainly be a dialogue over time and may well involve a counselor if common, acceptable ground can't be found. And if common ground can't be found then the marriage might end.
Spouses do not ensure happiness to each other in all areas of a marriage. What garbage. It takes 2 people striving for similar goals and engaging in compromise when necessary, sacrifice if needed.
No one is doomed to bland sex. Just have, as silly as it sounds, a serious talk with him about it. Women have needs, and sex isn't everything in a relationship but I believe it is a very important part for a truly happy life. I am lucky to have found my sexual parallel, but we didn't know for a long time until one day I decided to have a talk with him about what I really like (which is not for everyone) and he was soooo pleased about what I had to say. We are married with a son and have been together for a few years and our relationship is very much "alive."
Just be serious and honest so he knows that this is important for you and it is important for him to fulfill your needs. Maybe you can find out what he likes. Or try to sneak a peek at the kind of porn he watches.
Also, if it is only lasting 5 minutes maybe he just feels too emasculated to talk about it which is why he is being silly, so you may want to extract info from him carefully as this can be a touchy subject for men. He may just need to talk to a doctor and get a little "boost."
You both will be happier if he does.
So, I agree with everyone who is saying you should sit down and talk about the problem but it sounds to me like you've done a lot of work already.
My suggestion is to have fun while you're trying to figure out what you guys can do to make it more enjoyable for you both.
The first thing I will say is get out of the bedroom! My husband thinks the sexiest thing in the world is when I'm in the shower and yell to him to get in with me. Or when we are in the living room and just start making out and I get on top of him on the couch. So maybe those are a couple things you can try.
Also, foreplay sets the mood for how the sex is going to be. I'm like you and would rather it be a little more on the wild side so get him down there and tell him exactly what to do and when it's your turn tell him to do the same to you. Sex is an important part of a marriage but don't give up on him
Last but not least... a little alcohol wouldn't hurt. honestly, it may sound bad but talk about inhibitions out the window. when you try to rip his clothes off and he giggles, it sounds like he might be a little insecure or even embarassed. Alcohol will help. Good Luck!!!