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Totally different after marriage
We have been married since August. We have only been intimate a few times since then, but from the very first time since the wedding it has been different. He's gotten kind of rough, and it's escalating. Like biting, pulling hair. I've had to tell him a couple times to go easy. I've never seen him like that before. I don't like to bother him about it because penetrative sex never has been and never will be a possibility for us, and that really upsets him. If you want to know more about that, read my past posts. It' s a done deal.
Oddly enough, his ex wife was sort of public about being into bdsm, and I asked if they ever did that stuff. He said not really, and that he just wasn't into it. The sudden change has freaked me out a little. I don' t really know how to ask him what' s going on.
Re: Totally different after marriage
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Both of us, yes. Therapy and meds. He can' t orgasm anymore thanks to his meds either. My therapist has not been particularly helpful with this issue. She is not a sex therapist. I don' t let him hurt me, ok? If I ask him to lighten up he does. I'm more just like, where the f is this coming from?
This is NOT okay.
it is NOT okay to hurt your partner in any way at all. Period.
Dude, he's lying. If his exYF was into BDSM, you'd better believe they were into it, unless there was an open relationship and she pursed getting her sub or dom elsewhere, with his permission.
You and he should have parted ways when dating whenit was clear there was not going to be penetrative sex and for a reason. What's happening here between you and this animal goes beyond a case of sexual incompatibility. I think you need to get this marriage annulled and pronto.
Stay safe. I wouldn't be "intimate" with this guy again if you gave me a trillion dollars.
There is some sort of underlying resentment coming from him; that's my guess why he is doing this. I'd run like hell from him and get an annulment asap. I would hate to see something more than *just* biting and pulling hair happen the next time he attempts intimacy. This can very easily escalate into a lot more physical violence.
Only started to happen now, after August? it's like he withheld this "kink" from you and wow, that's almost fraudulent in behavior.:(
More than a little shocked?
Be downright effing scared.
This isn't outside the scope of vanilla sex: this is hurting your partner and this is not okay.
Have you told him to stop? Please do not tell us you've been tolerating this.
And if you've told him to cut it out, wow he hasn't. What is that telling you?
Nope; do some research and you'll see the above poster is correct.
The bottom line:
Are you willing to put up with hair pulling and biting if you do not say it is okay? And if you say it's not okay and he keeps doing it (you haven't told us whether or not this is okay with you, only that the hair pulling and biting has recently emerged) why are you willing to tolerate it?
So why are you complaining, then?
If you are confused, talk to him!
Not really complaining. I guess maybe I'm just wondering if it's somewhat normal for a guy to seem to change sexually after marriage, whether because he feels safer to do so, or... ? The first time it happened on our wedding night, I definitely noticed, but thought maybe he was just really getting into it a bit more than usual. He's really ramped it up from there the last two times.
He left marks on my neck last night, and that I am really annoyed about because I caught crap about it all day at work. I didn't realize it till I got there and had to borrow some concealer from a coworker.
I asked him tonight not to do that on parts of my body that people can see, for godssake. I asked him what was up with all the recent changes and he had no idea what I was talking about. I asked if the biting, hair pulling, holding down etc. was something new for him, or something he'd always been into. He said he'd always been into it, and he didn't think he was doing anything very different from before we got married. I told him by no means did I want him to stop doing it, I'm just feeling sort of caught off guard because I didn't really think that was who he was prior to getting married. I pretty much got nowhere with it. He didn't understand.
Yeah. That's kind of annoying. How do we talk about something he won't even acknowledge? Is he really unaware? Is he just kind of embarrassed I said something and didn't know how to respond? I have no idea. Men. WTF
So I think there's been a lot of unnecessary freaking out on the parts of previous posters here who have suggested that your H is some kind of monster or that you should get a divorce. No. That is terrible advice.
You married this man for a reason- you owe it to one another to figure of the best ways to give each other pleasure even if you cannot have penetrative sex. I think you both need to start seeing a sex therapist together and seperately. I imagine that a sex therapist would be very helpful with this issue.
Maybe he is just into more aggressive sex and was too shy to tell you but now that youre married he thinks it's all his for the taking. You should just sit down and talk with him and find out what he likes and explain to him how you feel about it and what youre into. That kind of stuff is not for everyone. My husband likes it too, but so do I and that works for us, but if you don't enjoy that you need to communicate that with him. Also, marriage counselors are a big help.
I'm sure there is a comfortable middle ground somewhere that you both will enjoy:)
This is wrong. Different people enjoy sex in many different ways. Yes, he should have made it clear from the beginning, but I do not think the reason he is doing this is because of underlying resentment. A lot of people are into BDSM. That's fine, but he shouldn't do it unless you're completely comfortable.
Calling him an animal because of his sexual desires is a little close minded to how other people choose to live. But like I said, YOU need to be ok with it as well.
Hey,
I haven't noticed a change in my H since we got married. If I did notice a major change like the one you described, I think I would be angry at him because I don't think it's fair to hide something so important about something so fundamental to our relationship, from me.
It's good that you've tried to talk to him, and it's unfortunate that he doesn't seem to understand where you're coming from. If you haven't already tried, maybe it would help to give him specific examples of the change you're talking about. For example, don't just say "things have been different". Instead say "you did not bite me before and now you do - wtf?".
If he keeps insisting that he hasn't changed, then I think your only choice is to accept what he's saying as all the "truth" you're going to get for now (even if you believe that more will come out later on'). I mean, you aren't in his heart & head, and you can't *make* him be honest or insightful. So, it's pointless to keep digging around and nagging him for explanations he doesn't want to give you.
If he can't give you more now, then love him for what he can give while also making it clear what behavior you will/will not accept in bed.
If you pray, pray he'll see, accept & share the truth about where his aggression is coming from.
good luck.