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First "girl's night" since wedding
Hello all!
I got married about 2 months ago. Not only am I the first of my girlfriends to get married, but I am also the only one in any kind of relationship. That being said, before I was married, me and DH didn't live together, and I used to love going out all night and dancing with my girlfriends during our girls nights.
This past weekend we had our first girls night since I got married, and I just felt so uncomfortable most of the night. Throughout dinner they all talked about meeting guys, dating disasters, how men suck and how it's hard to find a good one...etc. At first I was listening and involved in the conversation, but I couldn't help but feel awkward and left out after while.
After dinner, we all went out and a lot of my girlfriends ended up meeting and flirting with guys. Before I was engaged, I considered myself a good wing-woman and would have fun anyway in situations like these, but this time I just felt uncomfortable and I missed my husband. I ended up leaving early to come home to him. My best friend seemed upset that I didn't stay out and sleep over her place like I had done for years after a night out.
I just wanted to know if any of you have been or are also in this position, and what you do in situations like these. I don't want to exclude myself just because I'm married, but I'm not sure it's appropriate for me to keep going out like this with my single girlfriends. Any words of advice?
Re: First "girl's night" since wedding
I know I am not married yet and I was just looking at the board but FH and I had a talk about this the other day. Just a note FH is 23 and I am 21. Prime party ages haha.
I am still happy to go on the shopping dates and drinks and dinner but since FH and I have gotten engaged I am so far out of the wing woman/dance all night mood. I hate that I feel this way but I know it is a sign I am growing up. I have basically just pushed for my friends to do more nights in and it has worked but I still pass on a lot of nights.
FH feels the same as I do but continues to go into the city. He then texts me all night about how he was hoping "this time would be better." We are both more then happy to give the other alone time and trust each other to be out with friends we just don't really want to.
Love: March 2010 Marriage: July 2013 Debt Free: October 2014 TTC: May 2015
How long have you been with your H?
Why does the chatter about guys and dating make you feel so left out? Personally, I find my single friends more interested in talking to me about their relationships in search for advice since I've been married and I like to hear about it so I can live vicariously through them
. Did you try stearing the conversation in a direction that was more interesting to you and they ignored you?
You say that you used to be a good wing woman while you were engaged and could have fun even while they flirted it up with guys but now you feel uncomfortable. Why? What was it that changed for you? Did you feel guilty or something?
As far as your friend being upset that you didn't stay the night. You should probably have a talk with her and let her know that you're married now and that things have changed for you. That said, I think as long as your husband is on the same page there's no reason why you can't have a slumber party every once in a while with your girlfriend.
I have a girls night coming up this weekend and we're going dancing. My plans are to crash at my friends house but my husband is going to be out having a guys weekend as well. If he were going to be home I'd probably be more inclined to go home but I would still think about staying at my friends. I've been with my husband for almost 7 years now (married 6 months, cohabitating 6.5 years) so maybe we're just in a different "stage" of our relationship than you are now. In the early years of our relationship I would want my H to come home instead of staying out at a friends but obviously we're past that now.
Avoid meat markets.:)
I don't think I really understand why being "married" has changed your attitude about going out. You've been w/ your DH for awhile - right? You went out w/ your friends while you were dating/engaged to your DH - right? So, if you were able to listen to their tales of woe before, why NOW do you "feel left out" when really, nothing has changed about your situation other than you now are "official"?
But - if you really don't want to go out /w them in that setting, that's fine. But start making efforts to get together w/ them in other situations. Go to dinner and a movie, or... what have you. What other things do you have in common w/ these girls?
Be careful, though, of using "Now that I'm married" as your excuse as to why you don't want to go out w/ them anymore. As much as that might be the truth, it's only going to widen the gulf w/ your friends because they are going ot roll their eyes and just think "then fine, we won't invite her out anymore".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Basically all of this. I'm assuming going out to bars to pick up guys isn't all you do with them. Suggest other fun ideas. Maybe there's something your H wouldn't want to do that they are into. I recently organized some friends to go to a fun restaurant and then to Les Mis (which, yeah, DH would not have been into).
As far as their stories, you still care about their lives right? I don't understand why this would make you so uncomfortable. I love funny dating stories! I guess I'm not sure why you feel such a disconnect.
What I've found is that I have drifted apart from my party friends. They want to stay out till dawn and drink, and I'm not into that anymore. But that really has nothing to do with being married.
I still so look forward to hanging out with the girls sometimes. It doesn't happen as often, since most of mine now either have kids or too are married. Strange,but it does seem like when these girls get married they become a little more homebodies.. BUT that lasts for a lil while, not too long. I do still go out and have fun, us girls will like go to dinner, certain concerts that I know my Hubby won't want to go to, it makes it fun. Like we will plan a country show to go to, or even dancing. You know guys don't always like dancing, and when you're with the girls, its just fun. You can do these things with the girls and not feel bad. A bar maybe just may be a little uncomfortable because that may be all they are there for, to meet guys. I too want to go home after the nights though! I like to go out and party, but love to come home and sleep with my H.
We actually had a girls night out this past Saturday. We went to a country bar/club. It was fun, a little too clubby for my taste, but fun with the girls. Some were there to meet guys others just for the girls. We danced with eachother, drank together and just had fun... Maybe just suggest doing something a little more further than the bar type scene where there is more to do than just meet guys.
What you were feeling is very normal. I was the first to get married as well because I was pretty young. I even lost friends after getting married because my life and priorities had changed compared to them. I honestly got tired of being asked to go get wasted all the time. It is disrespectful to your husband to be going out in a club environment without him. I know I wouldn't want my husband to do that to me. I trust him and I know he would never cheat but it is just rude.
The truth is your life has changed and friends have to either notice that and respect your marriage. Or you may have to move on to new ones. Because your husband comes first now over anyone else. I would just sit down and talk to them and try to explain granted they aren't married so they might not get it but you can try. You can still go out to movies go shopping go to dinner whatever but the drunk hook up club scene is probably not the best for you anymore. You have moved past it and let them know you still want to be friends and hang out just not doing that anymore.
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
I'm in a similar situation. Aside from one friend who is recently engaged, my friends are single... some happily so, others who are definitely looking.
The thing I find most awkward is when my one friend wants to talk about "boys", thinking that since I'm the married one I'll understand better. This may be true compared to the friends who have been perpetually single but the fact is, a marriage relationship is not the same as the three dates she's had with this "really nice guy."
I don't really have any advice, other than that I've found I prefer to do breakfast, lunch or coffee dates now instead of staying out late.
All of this.
Sigh. Now I really want to go out dancing and have a sleepover with my friends. But we all have husbands and kids now. So it never happens. Bleh.
That is normal, I used to love to go out dancing and all that too, but now I prefer just to hang out with my husband. My husband too used to go out a lot, but now after work he may grab a beer or two and play some pool, then he comes right home.
I wouldn't say I have lost all of my friends, I just don't really see any of them anymore because I choose not to go and drink all the time, while most of them do. Most of the time (not for all people) when you're ready to get married then you're probably also ready to lead that sort of lifestyle rather than the single drinking life.
Ps. Make sure that you do keep girls night out once in a while because it is good for you to have some time with your girl friends, but don't feel obligated to stay out the whole night. Have some drinks, have some fun, then go home to your husband if that's what makes you happy
I feel pretty comfortable saying DH and I have our own lives, but I think I've definitely outgrown the club scene. I don't mind getting dolled up and going to a nice bar with the girls, but we definitely do not do the same things together.
For example, the lovely single ladies in our group still rent a limo once in awhile and get trashed and hook up with the randoms. I don't go with them for that - but we have dinner often, we went mini golfing recently and a wine tour is in our near future. There's also a salsa bar we like to hit up once in awhile; but the all out raunchy hook-up clubbing is a no for me these days as well...
I've never commented before, but I greatly related to this post. I'm a very new wife as well, (been married 3 months) and I'm 23. My husband is 24, and I'm also the first of my group of friends to get married. My friends and I were never partiers/clubgoers, but it still has changed my priorities some. I take my marriage very seriously, and my relationship with my husband is my number one priority. I don't think that I'll be having sleepovers or anything like we used to do anymore, though I no doubt intend to keep close ties with my friends. I still see them often, and most things haven't changed, but I don't stay out late anymore and I won't go anywhere or do anything that would potentially cause issues in my marriage. (Not that my husband is high maintenance or anything- he's very cool with me hanging out with my friends and doing pretty much whatever I want to do- it's just a respect thing for me.)
So I guess I can't offer advice as far as what to do at bars and clubs and stuff, but I guess you could change your activities. Go out to dinner, do something at home, go to a movie, something like that- something where you can enjoy your girl friends but keep your marriage your number one focus.