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Question from an only child about sibling fairness
Let me preface this by saying that I'm an only child so all of the nuances of sibling relationships, especially when it comes to aspects pertaining to parents, are kind of a mystery to me. I have asked DH to try to explain certain things to me, but he just kind of shrugs and says, "That's just the way it is."
Here's my question: Is it normal to treat one sibling differently than the others? Here is the context for that: DH is the oldest. His brother is the middle child and his sister is the youngest. They are all a few years apart. DH's brother has always been the one who struggled the most. He lived at home until just this year (he's 27) and DH's mom paid his student loans, cell phone bill and insurance because he had (and still has) what he would describes as a "dead end customer service job."
DH and I, on the other hand, both moved out of our parents' houses right after college, we have well paying jobs, have advanced degrees (or are working on getting one in DH's case) and we purchased our house a year after we were married.
When we got married 4 years ago, DH's mom paid for the flowers and rehearsal dinner. She also "gave" us a few thousand dollars that we had to pay back. Recently, my future sister in law (who is marrying DH's brother) mentioned that MIL had given them a gift of money for their wedding, with no mention of them having to pay it back. She didn't say how much. I don't know if DH's mom will pay for the flowers and rehearsal dinner as well, but I assume she will.
All of this to say that it just seems that DH's mother has always given his brother more. I'm not trying to come off as bitter or jealous--we do really well without any help--it's just that as an only child I always imagined that each child in a family with siblings would be treated the same. However, in his family it seems like the "squeaky wheel gets the grease" so to speak. MIL has mentioned before that DH's brother needs "more help" than the rest of us, but I don't get it. Maybe because I'm not a parent yet? Maybe I would help the child that needed it more than the others?
So, in conclusion, I don't know if I'm being ridiculous or not. What are all of your experiences/opinions?
Re: Question from an only child about sibling fairness
Have you ever heard the saying, "fair is not always equal?"
Your ILs have every right to give whatever money they want to whoever they want. Don't get into the game of comparing . . . it can tear families apart and cause resentment. Instead, focus on being glad that you don't need help from parents. Take pride in being self-sufficient.
This is a tricky question. On one hand, it's reasonable to treat siblings differently because they are different people. They have different personalities, different needs, different wants, and different ways of seeing the world.
On the other hand, treating siblings differently can certainly lead to a lack of fairness in some situations, and in extreme cases I think it can be classified as emotionally abusive. Narcissists, for example, are well-known for singling out one child to spoil rotten and another one to receive the brunt of their wrath. I do think it's really crappy of parents to provide such disparate gifts when it comes to weddings, as you described above, when there is no particular reason to warrant it. Yes, it's their money and they can do whatever they want with it, but I still think it's pretty awful.
However, as PP said, there's not much you can do about it but adjust your expectations and be thankful that you don't need whatever it is they're giving to your husband's siblings. Often, such generosity comes with significant strings attached- for instance, dependence on, and therefore submission to, one's parents well into adulthood. It's just not worth the price.
I second this. My H has an older brother and I sometimes sense differences in how they are treated by their parents, but in the end, I don't pay it any mind because this is just how my IL's are and this is how their relationship with their kids is. Kind of hard to explain the dynamics of the relationship, but I do remember that while we were planning our own wedding, my BIL had a few episodes where he acted a bit ridiculous - like he was mad that we were getting attention since he generally likes all the attention on himself (ummm hello - we were planning our wedding?). For me it was a little surprising and somewhat alarming some of his behavior considering he is 40 years old. *shrugs*
I have a brother too, but he's a lot younger than me, so I was pretty much out of the house already when he was born. My parents def treat him differently than they did for me when I was growing up, but different time = different generation.
Anyway, you should go about your business and not sweat this. Unless your IL's are treating your H or you plain rotten, rude, disrespectful, etc - that's another story, otherwise, this is just petty nonsense.
ooops....double posted.....sorry
Yes, I am proud of being self-sufficient and I get that financial support often comes with strings attached whether explicit or implicit.
I guess there are just a few things that I worry about--for example, will our children be treated differently than theirs? Does MIL like/need to feel wanted and that's why she does the things that she does?
In the end, I know we can't control or change the way things are. And I always console myself with the the thought that we have my parents who adore both DH and I and have made clear that they would feel the same about our children.
Yes...every child has different needs.
My sister is intelligent, hard working...but has fallen on bad financial times for various reasons both out of her control (2 emergency surgeries, lay off after merger) and in her control (divorce, getting behind on bills, generally too spendy although not extravagent). My mom has had to help her out financially so if you were total things out, she gives her more money then she gives me. BUT I'm doing well, and that's good news and there's no jealousy. If I had a need, my mom would try and do what she could for me.
When it comes to weddings, there's different rules/traditions for daughters/sons. So it's hard to compare that.
Both of our brothers, who are both in their 40's, still get help from our parents. My ILs, though, have offered us the same amount of $$ in order to be "fair", but DH told them years ago to not worry about it - we don't need the money, they should hold onto it.
I guess that's a part of it - I know that if we really NEEDED help, our parents would do everything they could to help us too. And that's really all I need to know.
But as we don't need the help, we don't take the $$. And I take a lot of pride in not needing help. I'm witnessing what is going on w/ my 63 year old aunt who was enabled her entire life, and let me just say - it isn't pretty. I never, ever want to be in that position.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Totally normal. Your DH doesn't need help. They don't give him any. If they did, he would probably feel stifled and like they were interfering with his life.
Brother needs help. Thus, they help him (he is their kid, you know? People have difficulty letting their children falter- even if it may be beneficial to the child).
It probably wasn't "fair" that little sis doesn't have to pay back the money. But maybe they are traditional in the idea that the bride's family pays for the wedding? So they pay for their daughter's but expect to not pay for their sons?
Plus, she's the baby (and the only girl) so I wouldn't be surprised if she was a little spoiled.
But seriously, there is not such thing as treating all of your kids equally. Like PP said, equal isn't always fair. Plus, people change.
I have several siblings and the youngest was born when I was in high school. My parents were very over-protective and they didn't have much money- I didn't go very many places or do very many activities. My sister's parents (same people, 15 years later) are much more laid back and they have extra income. My sister does things in middle school that I wasn't permitted to do in high school. She is part of clubs and activities. We had very different upbringings in some ways- even though we are siblings.
Another example, my brother is super smart. He did his homework independently. He wasn't assisted by my parents at all. Conversely, my sister has a learning disability. She needs more help with her assignments. My parents work with her several times a week.
Equal isn't fair. You give each person what they need.
It was DH's brother's future wife that MIL gave the money to. DH's sister also doesn't appear to be getting much help with her wedding as she and her fiance are also very successful. It's only DH's brother and his future wife that seem to get the preferential treatment.
Yes, they very well might treat your children differently from their other grandchildren. If that's the case, it might be better to minimize their involvement and have your kids spend time with the people who do care about them in a grandparent-type way. People don't have to share DNA to be family.
Second, ditto the above. If this "preferential" treatment does actually extend to kids that you all end up having, then focus on spending your time w/ people who WANT to be w/ you and your kids. Don't get too hung up on what the ILs do or don't do. You can't force them to spend their time or money in a way that YOU feel they should. So don't expend too much energy being upset by it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My two cents: siblings are not all treated equally by parents, even if parents try very hard to maintain equality in a family. I speak from experience with my own family and DH's. As others have stated, different children have differing needs and life experiences that may warrant different reactions from the parents.
You need to stop the comparisons with the siblings. You will always be able to find instances where one child got something that the other didn't. It's inevitable.
My experience with DH's 4 other siblings is that one is treated as the golden child and the rest go along with everything for their own reasons. I've been frustrated when DH has repeatedly gotten the short end of the stick, but I've come to learn there is nothing we can do about it except live our lives as the financially -- and more importantly -- emotionally independent people we are.
I have no doubt our future children will be treated differently then our other nieces and nephews based on our indpendence and choice to remove ourselves from rather unhealthly situations with the family (our issues are much deeper than the ones you've described). We are prepared for it and will focus on the positive people in our lives who are related by blood or not. Good luck!
Just wanted to chime in and ditto PPs that in most families, parents help their kids in the way they need help. As an example, when we were growing up, I had a lot of activities that required a lot of my parents' time, but were not expensive. They drove me to kingdom come and back every weekend. My brother was more of a loner, but had some more expensive hobbies, which they helped pay for. I needed extra time, and got it; he needed extra money and got it. It wasn't equal, but we both got the help we needed at the time.
All of the sibling groups I know (family, friends, etc.), the parents are never able to treat the kids the same because the kids aren't the same. The good parents try to give kids whatever help they need that they're able to offer; the not so good ones may play favorites. In your case, I wouldn't let the dollar figure bother you since you and your DH don't "need" the money. If they're playing favorites with their affections, I could see how that would hurt, but at the end of the day, you can't control how others behave, just your reactions to them.
This could almost be my post. Seriously. I'm an only child and DH has two sibs. He is actually the youngest though. BIL is clearly the favorite, and also the biggest screwup. ILs give him money for rent, groceries, etc. They are always saying, oh poor BIL, he is so sad he can't get a good job or meet a nice girl. I won't bore you with more details, but suffice to say he is massively lazy and cries poor me to them to get $.
I find it annoying, but DH says he's always been the favorite, and he's over it. The way I look at it, it sucks that it is unequal, but it's not like we need anything, and DH isn't bothered, so I let it go. I'm learning it is fairly common. The only time it bothers me now is when they let BIL's shiz slide and get on DH for nothing at all.
Yes, their relationship with your kids will probably be different. It's not that they're going to mis-treat your kids, but their relationship with fSIL's kids is never going to be exactly the same as with yours. It's no different than me being closer to the children of my friends who I'm closest with. If MIL and fSIL get along great and are bffs, then fSIL's kids are going to see MIL more often.
As for the $, maybe fSIL is using carnations for her wedding while you picked exotic flowers that had to be overnighted from Mongolia on the day of your wedding, so the cash was to make up the difference. Or maybe his parents are in a better spot to have the means to give them more money.
It's impossible and impractical to be 100% equal among siblings.
Heck, it's almost impossible to be 100% equal among people who aren't your family if you care about them. If you know your friend just got her hours cut at work and is really struggling to make ends meet, you might offer to pay when you go out for lunch because you know how tight money is for her. You might not offer to pay for another friend's lunch after she gets laid off because her husband makes $$$ and you know they're doing just fine.
But back to kids and families... My older sibling once told me that when we were kids, they were jealous because my parents gave me my first cassette player and it had stereo speakers. Sibling's first cassette player (also a gift from my parents) was mono. Didn't occur to them as a kid that stereo wasn't available the year theirs was purchased.
My mom bought our outfits for prom. I only went to prom once, but my sister went all 4 years. Does mom owe me 3 more prom dresses now? Should sister have to pay back mom for 3 dresses because I only ended up going once? What about a boy? Should mom buy him 4 tuxedos since the girls didn't rent their dresses?
I don't know the exact numbers, but my parents gave one of their kids like $6,000 toward their wedding. It was a nice chunk of change, but didn't pay for the whole thing. A few years later, another child's entire wedding cost less than like $2,500 and my parents paid for the whole thing. Does that kid deserve $3,500 in cash so they both get $6,000? Should my parents pay the kid with the more expensive wedding the difference so each wedding was 100% funded by them? What if another sibling never gets married?
If I go to dinner with my parents and they pay, should they send my siblings a check equal to the amount my dinner cost? One of my siblings lives far away while I live in the same town as my parents, so I get dinner way more often. Should my parents not go to dinner with me unless they have the time and money to take a trip to see my sibling so the total # of dinners is equal? What if they take my sibling and their kids to McDonalds so the kids can play on the toys, but take childless me out to a fancy restaurant?
And since I don't have kids, should my Christmas gift should be more expensive than my siblings gift? Because my gift should absorb the $ they're not spending on the kids that I don't have, right? Or my parents could give me a baby toy every time they give one to their grandkids.
One sibling's job involves traveling to do performances. Sometimes my parents go watch. Should they then spend a day at the office watching the other sibling work or buy them a gift equal to the amount they spent on travel, hotel, and event tickets?
Wow. That got long. I wouldn't read it all, so here's my summary- If you WANT to find discrepancies between what parents do for each child, you WILL find it.
All of this.
I'm the youngest of five. My parents have tried to be as equal as possible with us monetarily. However, one of my sisters needs more support right now so she's getting it. I don't begrudge her the extra support; I'm just happy I don't need it.
I have one brother a year younger than me. My parents always make an effort to be fair with us. For example, this spring, my car died on the highway and I had to get a new one. I was going through a divorce and work in a nonprofit and don't make much money. They decided to give me an amount of money to help me purchase a replacement car. I also had to come up with some of the money myself.
My brother is very successful financially and has quite a bit of money, but my parents gave him the same amount of money they gave me for the car. I like that they do things this way because I would feel funny if they didn't but I certainly don't think that all parents should operate this way.
My parents are quite comfortable financially and so they have the money to give to my brother as well to keep things equal. For another family, if the parents have the money to help one child who NEEDS the help, but it would be a financial burden on them to give an equal dollar amount to their other children, they should be able to give their money as they see fit.
I think that as your H does not seem to be bothered by it, you should stop paying such close attention to how your in-laws handle their money. I think it is somewhat distasteful that you are so focused on this--they aren't even your parents!
Parenting is a bit like Marxism:
From each according to his ability and to each according to his need.
Parents, mothers especially, would love the world to be fair and for each of her children to have an equal shot at happiness and success in life. But sometimes one child gets rather more or less than an equal measure of brains, looks, determination, physical and emotional health, social prowess, opportunities and even friends/mates. When one child is short-changed by genetics, circumstances or even birth order, there is a real temptation to step in and right things. Because fair isn't always equal.
Be glad that you are lucky enough to have the skills to be able to make your own way in the grownup world without assistance. I was always that bright, capable first born. While my sister matched me for intelligence and was more engaging than I'll ever be, her place as the indulged baby of the family exacerbated by mental health issues meant that she needed special consideration from my parents well into her adult life.
You'll be a happier and nicer person if you stop keeping score.
PS Traditionally parents used to fund their daughter's entire wedding, so you can probably expect them to be more generous with their "little girl".
Is it normal to treat one sibling differently than the others?
Yes it's completely normal. My parents loved all us children, but we have different needs. My mom would help out the child that needed the most help.
For example, if sibling #1 is financially well off and sibling #2 got laid off and needs help paying bills, then why wouldn't the parent help sibling #2 out. The parent should be able to do this without Sibling #1 feeling left out. That would be crazy when the children are adults to do for them all the same and shame on adult children who think that. My mother bought my adult brother who is 14 years older than me a car. Did I care? No, because he needed help and I had my own car.
My mother always told me that she may treat us differently but loves us all the same and I know that's true.
TTC since September 2012
What your husband describes seems normal for me. My parents always gave the most help to whichever kid needed the most help. I've been out of the house since I was 17. My brothers are in their 20s and still live at home. Sometimes it annoys me that they mooch off my parents so much, but only because my parents really don't have the money to help them anyway, not because I didn't get the same treatment.
It's pretty much the same with all of my friends and their siblings as well.
I only have one child now but I suspect my method will be to make things "fair" by trying to keep all my children at the same basic level. Like, they will all have a roof over their heads, heat and food. If one kid requires more assistance at times to maintain that basic standard, then he or she will most likely get it. But beyond the basics, they'll be on their own. I'm not going to buy one a new car because the other got a job and bought themselves one, you know?
It's normal to love children equally. Love is not money.
I hate to say it, I dont think it is fair, but it is normal. I am the only child of my parents marriage, but I am the oldest of 8 kids from both sides. I do get treated differently than all my brothers and sisters. All of my siblings are much younger than me, so I know the reason why. They need more time out of my parents.
My husbands parents expect so much of him, but his younger brothers, it seems like their parents hand them everything in life. While my husband got spanked and sometimes flat out hit as a teenager for doing something stupid his brothers get a talking to until they do it the next time and get another talking to.
Sorry, but it is normal
have you ever heard the expression 'why borrow trouble?' it doesn't make a lot of sense to worry about something that hasn't happened yet, and may never happen.
It's just like you said, "The squeaky wheel get's the grease." It's the same in my family. My brother never graduated, got a house from them, and continues to borrow money. But, don't take it as favoritism. It's just the way parent are. They feel bad for the weak ones. I doubt, however, that this will affect your children as grandchildren, but if it does, have your husband talk to them.
" life is not fair".. isnt that what we are always told!
Having said that I completey get where you are coming from, as I too find myself in a similar situation ( only married 8 months). I am from a family of 6 siblings ( me being #4) and luckily my parents were great. We all kid about who's the favorite but deep down we all know that we are all loved equally, even if it is in different ways. As we are all different ppl with different personalities. My H on the other had is from a much smaller family ( only 1 living brother, younger only by 4 yrs). My H situation is much different. His oldest brother passed when my H was only 3 and my H father passed when he was 19. My MIL has been emotionally dependent upon my H since the passing of her husband. MIL is elderly ( 73) and had her children late in life. With all that said, my BIL is still treated like a baby. He still lives with her, while he pursues a music career, she keeps complete care of him. For our wedding, she gifted us $2000.00, which was unneccessary and which we were greatful. However BIL told us that she had purchased him a new guitar equallying $2000.00. Fair??? My BIL was previously married and so I posed the ? to my H about the financial help for my BIL wedding, only to find my MIL paid for the entire wedding and honeymoon! Fair?? Like you, my H and are are finacially great, we both have great careers and have always been independent.
So I completely understand the fustration with your situation. I find myself more annoyed with the situation than my H. Guess he has had longer to deal with it.! Id love to be able to change it but its not my place! I try really hard to make the best and when it doesnt directly involve me, let it go!
Goodluck to both of us!
Probably, but not necessarily in the way you seem to be thinking. Here's an example: My grandparents had 5 children. My sister and I and 3 of my cousins are all close in age. My parents were able to afford basic things for us like glasses and new clothes and such. My Aunt and Uncle were not always able to, so my grandparents stepped in and helped provide those things. None of us-me, my sister, mom, and the rest of her siblings- ever felt that it was unfair that we didn't get the same since we didn't need the help. As many PP are saying, they needed the help more so they got it.
Your brother-in-law (while maybe not that extreme) also seems to need the help, while the two of you are self-sufficient. I'm guessing that if you actually needed the help, you'd also have it.
One PP also said that money doesn't equal love. I agree with this. Your in-laws may treat their children and grandchildren differently based on what they are perceived to need, but that won't mean that they love them any less.