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Will it ever be the "right time?"
Lately I've been feeling like my husband and I will never think it's the "right time" to have children. We have this discussion whenever we get the news that someone in our family or friends group is expecting because we honestly don't think about it much on our own. When discussed, the issue is always met with excuses. My husband is in the Air Force and has about three years before he separates, 3 more years until he finishes a degree in engineering, and possibly 2 more years while he gets his masters. I'm currently getting my master's in curriculum and design while teaching full-time and hope to go for my PhD afterward (could take 6-9 years while maintaining a full-time teaching job). Our career plans put us almost 10 years in the future and I don't want to be 50 when my kids are graduating from high school.
On top of the long-term career goals, I'm overall frightened of the child birth process because my mother died due to a pregnancy that never left her Fallopian tube; it burst and they couldn't stop the bleeding in time.
I feel like we could not have more issues when it comes to the subject of children. We just discussed it and ended with the sentiment, maybe it will never be the right time. I can't discern whether I want kids because it's "the thing to do" or because I really want to bring another life into this world. I can't decide if I'm thwarting the idea because of my fear based on my mother's life or because it's just really not for me. As I get older, my affinity to the idea may change, but at the same time, my husband and I both had young parents and we loved it.
If you can make sense of my ramblings and have any suggestions or words of comfort, please respond. I guess I just don't know what the next step is. Wait for something to change? Wait for my time to run out and regret? I just don't know.
Re: Will it ever be the "right time?"
First, wanted to say so sorry about your mom.
I understand how you feel because a day doesnt go by that I wonder if Im making the right decision too. You and your husband are smart to discuss how you feel about kids, instead of just jumping into it like many do because its "the thing to do".
My husband and I got married with the "agreement" we would not have kids. Now that we are getting older and our window of opportunity is closing, we, (more me), is starting to wonder even more, especially since all of our friends have kids. I just turned 35 and am having a hard time since I am now "advanced maternal age". Ugh. My husband and I continue to discuss it at times, and he says hes ok with it either way, and that its my body and my decision (great thanks). Im like you however, and not only do I not have any desire to be pregnant, my own mother almost died during childbirth as well.
It sounds like you both have great goals for the future and in my opinion you should at least wait until you have some of those accomplished before having kids. I understand wanting to be the young "hip" mom, but is it worth throwing away your other dreams (or at least putting a hold on them) for that? You are going to really need the help of your husband too if you have kids, I see how stressed my friends are with their new babies.
When I was younger I felt that 'there was never going to be the right time". however,as I got older, I finished all of my schooling, got experience in my field, started my own business. My husband and I have a house we love, "toys" we always wanted, traveled all over the place. my husband also has his own business and 'Id say we do well for ourselves. Funny enough, the other day, I thought to myself, geez, now kind of IS the right time to have kids. Now I just have to decide if it is something I really WANT.
Anyway, if I got pregnant tomorrow, I would not have any regrets as I have done the things in life that I set out for. My husband feels the same. my suggestion is give yourself time, eveyone expects you to just move on to the next step in life and have kids, and it really is hard to break away from that expectation. But in the end, YOU are the one who will have to care for the child and live with that decision. I think eventually you will get that, "well maybe it is a good time".
Im happy I waited, and some of my friends have told me that they had wished they waited and did things first that they wanted to do as just a couple. Best of luck to you, I think it will come to you when its time. Try not to stress yourself out and set out for the goals you are definitely sure you want.
In your situation, I would wait.
Focus on your careers and the future life you can give your child by having your schooling done and not dividing your time between them and finishing your degree's. Get started in your career while your H finishes his graduate work. Pay off debt, get a good nestegg and retirement built, and do some traveling you know you can't do with kids. There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting, even though your friends and family are all having children.
Age is just a number. My parents were under 50 when both my brother and I graduated and moved out. It was wonderful to have young parents, but we were also very limited financially to what they would allow us to be involved in and what things we could do. H's family was the same way. So we've decided we will be waiting to have children so we can get money saved up, debts paid off, and be able to do things with our children that our parents were never able to do. Even though everyone around us are starting their families.
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I think there are varying degrees of 'right times'. For example being a teenager is never usually the 'right time' but being 30yrs old with no job or stability wouldn't really work the best either.
I really feel that it's different for everyone and from listening to you, it doesn't *seem* as though you have this BURNING baby desire anyway, that you and your hubby are pretty career oriented and happy with it and the only time you talk about babies is when OTHER people are having them. That seems to me that maybe you just feel like it's something that you're 'supposed' to do.
I could be wrong, I'm just trying to read into what you said. However, know that as a woman the clock is a ticking and try to really reflect on whether it would be alright if you never had kids or maybe what if you adopted.
I personally have been a baby crazed obsessed chic from the get go so I knew I wanted kids asap. I've graduated college, married have a house and money in the bank so I feel like you don't get much more prepared than that.
In the end, know that whatever is MEANT to be WILL be and just try to stay open to listening to your own desires so you don't live with regret either way later on.
Thank you for your comments
I found them to be really helpful. I think that my initial reaching out in this post was at the surface a concern for my future and whether it would include children. However, I find myself checking it frequently to see what new advice more experienced nesters have, or at least those with an outside perspective. I think that I am excited about the prospect of being a mother someday. I do agree that it's important I am able to provide well and that my husband and I are both on the same page. I think that the baby question, whether I would like one or not, has been shown to be a yes. I'm currently a member of the club that it will happen whenever it's meant to.
I noticed that you are due in just a couple days! Congratulations
I'm so happy for you and your little family.
I am right there with you! For the past several years, we have been waffling back and forth on whether we want kids and when. We had the issue where we had to keep waiting for different things (DH finishing his phd, him finding a tenure-track job, getting tenure, etc) When I turned 30 a few months ago, that was my turning point and I knew I wanted to start soon, so hopefully you will have a time when you know as well
I also wanted to say that I don't know what you intend to do with your PhD in the future, but I do know that a female colleague of mine said that she was so glad she had a baby while working on her PhD, as opposed to waiting to have a baby while trying to get tenure. In other words, getting a Phd was much "easier" than trying to get tenure, and at least while still in school she could kind of choose her own hours, etc, to work around the baby. if you are looking for a career in academia/higher education, you may want to have the baby before that awful pre-tenure time.
I am so sorry to hear about your mom, that would definitely give way to hesitation and a sense of doubt.
I am on the boat of there never being a 'right time' due to life always happening. I know for us there was talk of not having kids at all at the beginning of our marriage, as the years progressed we started to reevaluate and soften to the idea.
I think in the end the best idea is to be great parents and allow yourself to make concessions regarding age, long-term aspirations, and a 'settled' life. To make better sense I mean this: Maybe you won't be a 24 year old first time mother, maybe you won't have your PhD or so forth. I know for us it was ALWAYS important to have our careers on track, schooling complete (which means I have 2 years until I complete PhD), and travels commenced. In order to do so I have to be an older mom.