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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How do I not spoil/baby my husband?
So I know when you get married you do a lot of the house work and cooking and all that for your husband and I want to do that for my husband but I don't want to make it so he doesn't do anything around the house or for himself or expects me to do everything. Any advice from the married women? Thanks in advance!
Re: How do I not spoil/baby my husband?
This. Figure out an even distribution of the housework and stick to it. I'm hoping your H has lived on his own, and will already know how to help himself.
If you have it all together, you'll look like you have it all together?
You should discuss who will do what around the house before getting married. I am out of work right now and plan to be for awhile after I have the baby, but when I was working full time, my husband did half the chores. Now, I do everything so that he doesn't have to worry about anything when he gets home from work. I cook nutritious and budget-conscious meals daily from scratch and have the cleanest house on the block. I am like Martha Stewart, only I am a law abiding citizen. All I ask him to do is the litter boxes and garbage because I'm pregnant and to put his own things away before he goes to bed because I feel degraded when I have to mom up after him. Now, he does snow removal too, because I'm 8 months pregnant and just look stupid shoveling.
Sure, I am spoiling my husband, but it takes me less than the amount of time as he spends at work. Never thought I'd be a housewife, but I like it. My suggestion is to discuss who does what before you marry, be open to changing it when your personal situation changes like ours did when I unexpectedly lost my job at 5 months pregnant, and if your husband does take on some of the chores (which he DEFINITELY should if you both are working!!), don't criticize the way he does them or he'll stop. And trust me, he will do them differently than you and you will not like it. But it will come down to do you want to have your laundry done but folded the wrong way or do you want to do it yourself? Some things, you'll rather do yourself than have him do his way. For instance, I am very picky about how we wash the white clothes. His whites get really dirty and I am better at getting the stains out. Therefore, I always do the white load, and never complain about it.
I hate the way he cleans litter boxes. He drags the garbage bag full of cat poop all over the house instead of bringing the cat poop to the garbage bag. But, I shouldn't clean litter boxes pregnant, so I have never once complained about it. If you put him down about how he does things or try to tell him different ways to do them, then he will stop doing them. Just thank him for doing his part, even if it's 50/50. You'll probably notice that he will start thanking you for your work, too.
And stop worrying about what your marriage looks like on the outside. Focus on how it is on the inside. But, I will share this code that we agreed to live by before we married: when you have a fight and you're mad for a couple days, don't share all the details of it with your friends and family members and make them hate your spouse. Everyone has tiffs and if either of you run your mouth about it, especially on Facebook, you will dig a normal rough patch into a hole you can't get out of. Don't discuss it with others unless it's a really serious situation that you need help from others to get through, like addiction, infidelity, or abuse.
Well who gave you this idea? And if you don't want him to get used to you doing everything, don't do everything. Sit down and make a plan to determine who will do what house duties and divide them equally. This isn't the 1950s.
ETA - Why in the world would you want to "baby" your husband? I'm so grossed out by that term. Did you not get married wanting an equal partner?
Yeah, OP I don't know that when you get married you do that. My H and I do the same amount of work around our house, naturally. He's not a guest.
I married my DH as an equal partner. I also married a man who was self sufficient, knew how to cook and clean, and was an independent adult. Sure, I like to sometimes "spoil" him, but guess what? He likes to do the same for me too! We like to take care of one another.
Because life is life - we each do what needs to be done at that moment. There are times that more of the work falls to me because of DHs schedule, but there are times where he's home a lot more and he totally jumps in w/ both feet and does more than his fair share.
You need to work on this concept that it's your "role", as a woman, to do everything. Sit down and talk w/ your DH about each of your expectations and find a way to work TOGETHER to keep up your home. As said above, he isn't a guest. There is NO REASON why he shouldn't be putting in just as much as you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You give him what's called a Honey Do List.
REASONABLE things you need/want done in their order of importance.
Also, you decide what the household chores and errands are each week and figure out who does which ones.
For example, I am a SAHM, so it's only fair (in my mind) that I do the majority of the chores around here since I am home more than DH is and when he IS home, I want him bonding with the kids and me instead of vacuuming.
But, my opinion is that if both people work outside the home, they should be jointly responsible for household upkeep.
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