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Is there still a chance
I'm posting here because I know people are honest, but please, I am hurting so be gentle in you honesty. My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years and married for four. I love him deeply, but the time that we have been together has been really rough. We've dealt with me having an eating disorder, him having sever depression, him going through a very serious illness, layoffs, financial struggles, etc. It has been pretty relentless. We've always stuck it out and supported each other.
Lately we have been fighting a lot and he has been pulling away. I've even left a few times to stay with my parents because of the fights. He tells me that he associates me with a lot of dark times and doesn't know that he can be happy with me. He said that all that we have been through has caused him to lose his spark of love for me and that, while he cares so deeply for me, he is no longer in love with me and never will be again. I told him that I want to go to counseling and work on things and that I know that the spark is still there and has just gotten bogged down in life stress. I told him that we can rebuild a new type of marriage and go into a brighter place together. He initially agreed to try and we scheduled a counseling appointment, but the three night he sat down to tell me it is over and that he wants to help me move forward with my life. I reached for his hand and his wedding ring is gone. He has moved out and is moving forward with leaving me completely.
Of course, I've cried and begged, written him love emails, screamed, begged some more. He is completely stoic and tells me that I need to move on and it will never go back. Here is my one shred of hope...
In 10 years we've never gone a single day without talking and never more than four or so without seeing each other. We are deeply connected and always text each other throughout the day that we are hoping the other one has a good day, etc. Do you think it's possible that he will see what its really like without me and change his mind about divorce? Let me say that he is a very sweet person and is not playing games here. He truly 100% believes this or he wouldn't hurt me this way. I just wonder if maybe he is 100% convinced of something that he will discover isn't right.
Re: Is there still a chance
Are you desperate to hang on for fear of change? What if you cannot rebuild your marriage/relationship? Have you thought about what is important to you in a partnership?
It sounds like you have been through a lot of very difficult times with this person. That can be a hard relationship to move on from. Are you in individual counseling? It sounds like it may help you focus on yourself and how to make better decisions for yourself.
I don't know how any of us can predict what your DH will want, but he has told you. I think that your communication with him is confusing you. He probably doesn't want to hurt you so he continues to communicate with you, but it is not doing anything but leading you on. I honestly think the most important person in this situation to take care of here is yourself. You need to figure out what you want, who you are and how to stand on your own two feet without this person. Regardless of whether or not you get back together with him, you need to be able to fall back on yourself.
I have my first individual counseling session in a long time (since I recovered from eating disorder) that I made when we were initially talking about going to counseling. I made an individual appt to work on how I could be a better spouse (he already sees a counselor for depression) on top of the couples counseling appt I made us that we won't be attending. I love him so deeply, it is not a fear of change but just the pain of losing the love of my life.
I don't believe that I can truly move forward until I know that he won't come around. I'm going to try to give him space and I will do my best to move forward in that time, because what choice do I have? But I am so beside myself. When I get home everyday to our empty apartment, I fall apart. I set my alarm on my phone and say, can I make it 1 hr and set the alarm. When that alarm goes off, I tell myself, ok, I made it through that hour, I can make it through one more, and set it again. I just can't let go of that shred of hope. I know he MEANS what he says though. But he also 100% meant he would love me and be with me till the day he dies and used to tell me that all the time, so how do I know he isn't mistaken now?!
This is a huge red flag and cause for great concern:
He tells me that he associates me with a lot of dark times and doesn't know that he can be happy with me.
Associates you with dark times, really? What happened to "for better or for worse"??
Something is very fishy here. And the part about "he lost his spark" just plain stinks on ice.
I am wondering if this guy either has somebody waiting in the wings and this is his way of getting out of the marriage or if he's just plain ole emotionally checked out of the marriage, period.
He's telling you he wants to be free and single. Take heed.:(
Sorry but you are NOT "deeply connected." He just gave you a "Dear mariss7383" speech! If he was deeply connected to you, he wouldn't be looking for the door to head on out and call the marriage a day...because that's what he is doing.
You decide what it is YOU want --- begging him and crying?? that's not going to bring things back to the way they were. If anything, he'll head for the door faster. It might also feed his ego. Who needs either one?
Gee, how fantastic is is of him to help YOU move on:
He initially agreed to try and we scheduled a counseling appointment, but the three night he sat down to tell me it is over and that he wants to help me move forward with my life.
And this just plain sucks, period:
I reached for his hand and his wedding ring is gone. He has moved out and is moving forward with leaving me completely.
Do as I did:
Suspect a rat here and a great big one. Something is up and yes, I'm willing to bet he was having an affair all along and is heading off into the sunset with whoever it is....or he's just plain ole decided he just does not want to be married anymore.
Sorry for your troubles. See a clergyperson (if you're religious) and most definitely see a counselor. You need closure on this and you need to come to terms with the fact that he took off and he wants the marriage to be over.
I agree with PP when she said it's fishy.
He associates you with dark times? Really? If you commit to being with someone until you die, a LOT of *** will go down until the day you die. This person is your SUPPORT...not the cause of all of the challenges life hands you.
Sounds to me like he's having an affair or just simply no longer wants to be married.
Have some self respect and don't beg. You don't want a man that doesn't want you. And honestly, if after 10 years he still can't appreciate your love, support, and friendship, he never will.
You reached down and his ring was gone?
Holy smokes.:(
That's pretty bad. I don't know how you contained yourself when you saw that but wow, good on ya --- that took a lot of control.:(
THere are times a lot "darker" --- wow --- serious and devastating illnesses, declaring bankruptcy and extreme poverty, some sort of disaster where your home and all of its contents are lost, a parent being seriously ill, a child being ill --- is he kidding???
This is pretty bad.:(
It could very well be that all of the hard times got to him and he can't handle stress. Very well could be but to just give up and say goodbye and leave, like it's a baseball game that got rained out? Wow.:(
It also could be that he just wasn't mature enough to handle what came his way and yours. Just as money is an "our" thing after you get married, anything that affects you or your spouse is an "our" thing: it affects the both of you equally.
I hope you'll consider the clergyperson, if you're religious or spiritual. And I hope you'll see a therapist just to get what's happened "out" --- find a way to cope with the fact that he's just given up on your marriage and he's left.:( GL.
I can relate, I went into depression when my ex and I broke up, I can't say that it got better right away or that I healed quickly, it took me almost 4 yrs for my heart to heal, for my heart to stop yearning to be with him, to stop being sad, I went to therapy, I quit my job and wanted to curl up and die, I wanted him to realize it was a mistake and to come back. I didn't feel it was because I was dependent or because I was used to seeing him when I fell asleep and woke up, I felt that he was the love of my life. There is NOTHING that anyone can tell you to make you feel better. I can only tell you that even though I found things to do to keep occupied, I even started attending church - (even then I was praying for him) the yearning for him will eventually fade. I now believe that if someone loves you, they will be with you. We might not want to see it or believe it but when someone leaves, it means the love is gone. My ex even wished me well and hoped I found someone new which tore my heart in pieces. I suggest not calling, emailing, begging or bugging. I suggest therapy and to not think about his return, if you focus on him coming back, it will take you so long to heal since your heart will have hope.
My ending - I found love, true love, the way it should be, someone that loves me. I think back and feel stupid for wasting time wanting someone for yrs that didn't deserve me, I can say now that my ex didn't love me the way I loved him. It hurt and when I used to think about him, I wondered why he couldn't love me, why he couldn't stay.
people always say 'it wasn't meant to be, things happen for a reason' and I hated hearing that. Now I get it, if we hadn't separated, I wouldn't have found someone 100 times better.
Good luck to you, I'm sorry that you're going thru this. One day you will find happiness again even if it doesn't feel like it now.
I suggest not calling, emailing, begging or bugging. I suggest therapy and to not think about his return, if you focus on him coming back, it will take you so long to heal since your heart will have hope.
Excellent suggestion --- go with a clean break on this one.
The only contact you should be having with him is anything that concerns the kids. Nothing else. And even then, until things are settled legally, any issues he has about the kids --- have him contact your attorney.
Been here down to the ring. That sick feeling, that hopeless feeling, all of it.
I don't know if your marriage is save-able. I do agree that something here isn't right, and your H is mimicking (down to the words used) my now XH. In my case there was a GF, and one he is still with.
BUT You need coping methods right now to get your ability to function back. Love the 1 hour thing. I did that too, and sometimes I had to back it down to 10 minutes. It really helped. I started a blog to get out all my crazy, and I found me with a great set of rules-
http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forums/showthread.php?p=256158
I needed a guide, a set of rules to help me follow. And these did NOT "get my H back". But it got me back. It helped me get through the days. Begging won't work. Nor will letters, calls, sobbing... I get why it should. But it hasn't so far, right? At the end of the day you cannot control what he chooses. But you have some say in this. Remember what makes you amazing. Be kind to yourself. You only own 50% of your marriage troubles, don't take on all of them.
And please go see a therapist. This sucks, more than pretty much everything you will do. If you had a physical trauma at the same level, you would go see a doctor. This is no different.
Please eat, drink and take care of you. Good luck, I really do wish you the best, no matter what path that is.
I've cried and begged, written him love emails, screamed, begged some more.
Well screaming at him and begging isn't going to work, have some dignity even if your heart is breaking. Work in yourself, forget about this loser, find a good man
THIS! 110%!!
The operative word here is "GOOD."
And that is not what he is.:(
Get your ya yas out and unload a great deal of the anger you've got from this bullshit:
Write him a "Dear Jerk" letter.
Make it as long as you like; say what you want, be as rotten as you wish in expressing yourself and be as Technicolor as you wish in expressing the sentiment --- and when you are done with the letter, delete it, burn it, shred it, throw darts at it, whatever you want to do with it...
BUT.... DO NOT mail it or email it or send it to him in any size shape or form be it paper, electronically or digitally.:)
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I'm trying to stay strong and leave him alone. I am trying to move forward, but I just can't give up hope. He is not seeing anyone else and has never cheated on me, he said he just doesn't want me anymore. We also have no children.
He is going to live with his parents for the next 6 months or so until our lease is up. We can't afford two rents and so he is giving me the apartment until the lease is over. I am not working because I am going back to school, so I have no income and no way to support myself at the moment. He knows this and really wants me to get through school so he is going to continue to support me.
No, there's no chance. You really don't want him to come back and have this happen again in a few years (and given the nature of this break up, I guarantee this would come up again).
Do like what PP said, save your dignity and have a clean break. I can see how it would be so hard to do this after being with the same person since 19, but it's what you need to do.
Give yourself a chance to recover, then go out and have some fun. There are so many awesome guys out there.