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Where do we settle down? :|
My fiance and I have been together for over 7 years. We are getting married in November 
. It is a very exciting time for us. We've known for many years that we have wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and the fact that the pieces are finally falling into place is a dream come true.
We (well, I) have run into an issue concerning where we should live. Simply put, I hate the metropolitan area where we live now. I have lived here for over 3 years now, and I'm not fond of it at all. My fiance makes me very happy, but I become extremely unhappy thinking about being here forever, even if it is with him. The housing market is depressing due to high cost of living. I really don't want to start a family here because we don't live near any immediate family who could watch our children while we work (like they have already offered). The cost of child care is astronomical, and we'd take a financial hit if one of us quit working to stay-at-home (and we don't want to sacrifice our careers to do that). Traffic stinks, and public transit isn't great. Both of our immediate families live about 3 hours in opposite directions from each other.
We have some close friends here that we see frequently, and they are the only things that I can say that I would truly miss if we left tomorrow. There is a very significant possibility that several of them (including my best friend) may leave within the next year for several years, if not permanently.
My fiance, on the other hand, really likes it here. He feels that he is in a good place with his career, with our church, and with extracurricular activities. I've tried to form the same connections that he has with our community, and I've not succeeded. I'm okay with our church, but I haven't been able to get fully involved in any extracurricular activities like he has. Having family nearby isn't terribly important to him. He grew up in a military family, and is used to moving frequently and not living near other family members. Living near family has always been a high priority to me.
I have always seen myself settling down in the metropolitan area where I was born and raised, and where my family still lives. My fiance has always known this. He is resistant to moving back there due to the reasons I just mentioned. He states that finding work back "home" (where I'm originally from) would be difficult for him (though not impossible; in fact, searching for jobs for him on my own has yielded promising results). I feel so torn because right now I feel like our only solutions are that: 1. I hate where we live, and he loves it. OR 2. He hates where we live, and I love it. I'm happy that he's happy, but I don't think it's fair that I should be miserable for the long run. Living apart isn't an option... we did that for several years due to finances/school/careers, and I swore we'd never do it again. He knows about everything that I've posted here. We last discussed this the other night, and it left him a bit speechless that I felt this way 
.
Does anybody have any honest advice? I came here looking for it because all of my friends/family obviously have an emotional bias. Thank you!
Re: Where do we settle down? :|
So you basically want to move back to live close to your family so they can provide childcare? I'm a little lost. Did you and your FI meet in that home town 7 years ago? Or did you meet in your current town?
I think realistically speaking, it's hard for a couple to uproot themselves when they have jobs right now in this economy. Sure, you maybe could make it on one person's salary and savings for a little while, but the issue here is that you need to be on the same page as your future husband.
Have you talked to him about this??? I'd hesitate to quit jobs you love right now, but maybe you can look ahead to 3-5 years down the road when changing jobs could bring promotions, and think of moving then. You could save for a few years and put a huge downpayment down in a less expensive neighborhood. There are a ton of compromises, but you guys have to find the solution that works for you. If he ONLY wants the current city and you ONLY want the other city, one will be unhappy, period.
Maybe try a pro-con list? Try pricing out homes in the current city vs the other, costs of childcare, balance of social options, etc. See how it lays out. Maybe he's love all the extra money for a hobby and it's worth moving to the other city, but he wouldn't realize if you didn't work the details.
No, this isn't the primary reason at all! We met in my hometown 8 years ago, and lived there throughout college and for a few months after graduation. He has always known that I have wanted to live near my family. I love my hometown, and my family is extremely close. I'm very homesick being away from them, and from my hometown in general.
My ideal plan was not to move there immediately. I know that's not realistic. But (as I explained to him last night again), thinking about buying property where we live now is depressing. I've been unhappy here for the last three years, and the thought of buying a house and being locked in here forever is almost unbearable. The only thing that makes me happy here is him, our cat, and our close friends (who might leave). At the very least, I'd like a plan to go back home... maybe when in a few years when we can buy a house.
And anssett: if we bought a house in a "less expensive neighborhood", we'd potentially be looking at commuting at least an hour to work one way. A pro's and con's list is a great idea, and might be the best way to go for us so that we discuss it rationally; I'll have to mention it the next time that we discuss this. Thank you!
I can relate. I'm from NJ and my husband is from Pennsylvania. We were both working in the philadelphia area (I was communting from jersey) and my husband (then fiance) was living in the city, so when both our leases were up and we decided to live together, I decided to give center city Philadelphia a try. He loves the city life, I on the other hand was completely miserable. I was a surburb girl and just couldn't get used to it. I'm also extremely close to my family, and used to see my sisters and parents several times a week. Even though I only lived a half hour or so away, they rarely visited because parking was a hassle. I didn't have my car, since I was taking public transportation to work, and I felt trapped there! My husband is close with his family as well, who live about a half hour out of the city on the PA side, but he didn't understabnd the relationship I have with them, and thought i was being dramatic. When it came time to house hunt after we got engaged and our wedding was nearing, my husband wanted to move to PA and I wanted to move to NJ. We had quite a few arguments! He just so happened to get a better paying job in the same field, at an office in NJ (right near where I grew up), so we ended up buying there bc at that point it made sense to, and he even agreed. But if that hadn't happened, I don't know what we would have done. We would have had to compromise somehow.
I definitely wouldn't leave your area until each of you have new jobs in the area you plan to relocate, because like an PP said, the economy is no joke! I do wish you luck though, because I (kind of) know how you feel!