Relationships
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Would you be ok with your husband going to Mardi Gras?
How would you feel about your husband going to Mardi Gras with two single men from his work that you don't know?
We have planned to go to New Orleans for 3 years
I can't go because we don't have a sitter for our 9 month old (not that me going was ever an option, he offered when I initially had a problem with him going but he knew I could not go)
We have deep trust issues and he WILL cheat on me at least once on this trip.
We really don't have the money for him to go.
He's leaving tonight and really doesn't care what I have to say about it, I just wanted to see where you ladies were at with this issue so I can form a plan to deal with all this
Re: Would you be ok with your husband going to Mardi Gras?
You don't have the money?
he's not able to attend.
Simple as that.
Don't spend money that is hard to come by and don't spend money on something that is unaffordable.
AND that he doesn't care what you have to say....
That's the PROBLEM.
He could be going to Timbuktu or a monastery or off to an ole men's home at this point: that he's got no regard for what you want...bad news.
I'd have a big problem with the fact that you and he can't make decisions together and a bigger problem with the fact that your H did as he wished with no regard to what can or can't be afforded...and that your opinion matters not.
How old is this guy? Sounds like they're all in middle school.
Don't get me started on the trust issues. I can only imagine what happened here that there is no trust --- has he had an affair before? if he did, you needed to say goodbye to him when that happened.
My husband has gone to Mardi Gras without me - with his two single best friends. And I had no problem with it. But my husband would never cheat on me.
If you don't have the funds for him to go on vacation, he doesn't get to go. If you don't trust him enough to go, he doesn't go, and you both go to counseling. If he bucks your wishes, goes, and cheats as you assume he will, you need to find a good divorce lawyer, stat.
That makes me so sad for you that you think he will cheat at least once?!!! I would leave his ass. You do not deserve that type of stress/treatment. I am sorry to be so forward but wow. Thats just not right.
I wouldn't mind if my husband went but I do not have trust issues with him. Good luck to you and I hope he does not do what you think he will.
I'm not dumb, I know the relationship has issues waaaaay beyond mardi gras. He doesnt EVER care what I have to say, by the time he asks me he's already made up his mind. We're both pushing 30..and I have quite a bit of time and 3 kids invested in this. We just bought a house as well. It's easier just to stay, but I have no delusions about how effed up my situation is. This man can't even stay one night 30 minutes away from me without looking for someone else to "occupy his time" let alone states away. Supposedly he's never actually cheated on me he just likes to "chase women" but I doubt that. I've stopped even checking up on him, I don't want to know anymore.
The whole thing makes me sick. I know my husband is a sleaze ball and that will never change. I really just wanted to see if I was over reacting, see what you ladies would do. I usually throw a huge fit about it when he does crap like this but he's never gone this far for this long. We had one fight about it and that's it, I just kind of emotionally shut down and blocked it all out of my mind. Its a strange feeling, like self preservation of some sort kicked in and made me cool off. I don't know how to being to process that he's really on his way down there and he really doesn't care what I think. Would you and the kids still be there when he got back?
Yes, I'd be okay with my husband going to Mardi Gras. However, he's a responsible adult who loves me, respects our money, and wouldn't cheat on me.
If you can't say that about your husband, then I have no idea why you're married to him.
EDIT: No. I would not be there with the kids when he got back. He keeps pushing the envelope further and further and you're helping him by just being there and letting him do whatever he wants. It's clear that marriage isn't something he's interested in. I wouldn't stay for all the money in the world.
Yes, of course it's easier to stay. Divorce isn't easy, and dealing w/ custody issues, etc, isn't. It's hard. Absolutely.
However, you're not even 30. Think about it - what if you live to 80? The "bit of time" you already have invested - balance that against another 10, 20, 50 years of your life.
Is this REALLY the life you want for yourself, and more importantly, your kids? Because don't kid yourself. Your kids will figure out what is going on and they will think "Oh- this is what a normal relationship is like" and if you have boys, they will do what your DH is doing, and if you have girls, they will seek about boys who are like their daddy.
Is this really what you want?
You ask "Would you and the kids still be there" - at a minimum, I'd talk to an attorney. I don't know that you should up and move your kids out of the house, but what power do you have to perhaps make HIM leave? But talk to an attorney so that you don't do anything that will hurt you in the long run.
Because my answer to the bigger question is no, I wouldn't stay w/ a man who had absolutely no regard for me, my feelings, or our family. Doesn't mean I'd leave the house while he's out of town, but staying in the house also doesn't mean I'm staying in the marriage.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Unless you plan to follow through then no I would not leave. Then it just becomes a game, and he knows you are not serious. I would try and take to a lawyer while he is gone, get your financial information in order, start a bank account for yourself, etc. You might want to collect proof for a divorce case.
Forgive me if I am being dense, but you've never had real proof of his cheating but you believe it has gone on for years? I hope I am not being nosy but just in case this is not a case of cheating and one of insecurity I am wondering what he has done that makes you think he is always up for cheating.
Granted even if he hasn't cheated, clearly has little to no respect for you based on his unilateral decision making. You need to consider the type of modeling you children will see, both gender will take something away from this relationship if you allow it to continue this way.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I can't imagine being married to a man that I KNOW will cheat if he is away from me. As ECB said, you are still young and being tied to this marriage is really going to bring you down. Do you want to look back and see that you wasted your life staying with a man like this? The fear of starting over is hard, I get it, but staying with this man is not worth a lifetime of unhappiness.
As to answer your original question, I would be okay with my DH going on a trip like this because we do have trust. There are men out there that you can TRUST. And they aren't really that hard to find as long as you can spot the red flags in the men who aren't able to be trusted. Please get yourself some individual counseling.
Don't leave unless you actually plan on not coming back.
Because he's not going to change. This is WHO he is. The only thing that you can change is YOU and whether you want to stay in this marriage or not.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
He tells other women he is single or that we are getting divorced. He talks to them about sexual things and plans out meetings, going into great detail about what he is going to do. He has strange relationships with women at work, he always has at least one "stalker" as he calls them. They call all day and night. Our whole relationship he's done nothing but chase other women. I've never caught him actually physically cheating on me, no. But I don't think his behavior is acceptable and I'm sure if I've found all these things in his phone and computer there is much more going on in person that I don't see. He's asked women to come to his work and have sex with him. Or when he took a mentally challenged client to a nearby city for an overnight hotel stay (something the client does every year) he told several women he was looking for someone to sleep with that night.
I should have never married him, and I know that. But I also know myself (this is my second marriage, btw) and I know I am not ready to leave. I want everything to work out, I want him to change..blah blah blah. I know he wont and it wont but I haven't reached that point yet where I'm ready to leave. I really just don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to sit back and let it go because then he will do this crap all the time
I think you need to go alone, figure things out for yourself. He doesn't care that much is clear, so it would be pointless for him to go. The behavior you listed is completely unacceptable and you seem to know that you should have left a long time ago. I am very rarely for divorce, but in your case I think it is extremely beneficial for you and your children. He shows no remorse and continues, there really is no hope for change. If your insurance does not cover going to talk with someone look into religious groups that offer it free of charge.
Also, please start preparing financially for when you are ready or he does something really bad. You should also get regular STD testing. Just because this is your second marriage does not mean you deserve this or that you have somehow failed. The failure is on him and you can move on and make better choices if that is what you want.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
....forget the whole mardi gras issue for a minute. that's seriously the least of your problems at this point.
I'm going to summarize what you said above.
1- you know the relationship has issues
2- you're "pushing 30" and have invested a lot of time and 3 kids into this
3 - its easier to stay
and now my advice:
1 - yes. i'm glad you see that this is not a normal marriage, or a good situation to be in. this is very important to notice and understand. counseling does help to an extent, but ultimately it is up to the two of you to have a successful marriage. it sounds like he doesn't give a F* about you or what you think, which means he doesn't want to put any time or energy into your relationship. at this point the relationship is already broken beyond repair.
2. "pushing 30" and "investing so much time" is rediculous. yes, ive known my hubby for 6 years which feels like a long time -- but we easily (hopefully!) have 40 or so years to go.... imagine what THAT would feel like? You deserve to be in a happy, loving relationship. Your kids deserve to have a kind and caring father to be a good role model for them. Your kids also deserve to have a good marriage (or single parent household) as a role model for their future relationships. I grew up in a divorced house, and I can easily say that my life has turned out better than if my parents stayed married and miserable. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. shutting down for the next 30+ years and letting him walk all over you is a waste of living. i'm sure you have much more to offer the world. live your life and find your happiness.
3. yes, its easier. you're right. but does easy = happy? aside from the rich daddy's girls, anyone who has anything of substance or pride or happiness will tell you they worked their butt off to get where they are. Suck it up and DO IT. stop feeling sorry for yourself, or unhappy with your life. you're wasting precious days in your 20s!
we live in an era that being a single parent is okay, and that strong friendships can help guide you and your kids in the right direction. I have several '2nd moms' (my moms friends) to thank for being generous over the years and helping me get where i want to go. thats what this life is about. working towards happiness, and helping others achieve it. help your kids learn this too!
bottom line. do some divorce research while he's gone. figure out what you need to get in order as far as finances and paperwork. take the necessary steps and ask for help where you need it. LEAVE him and your unhappiness behind.
~*~ Charmed By Wine Homepage! ~*~
~*~ Charmed By Wine Etsy Shop! ~*~
For love of mike, get rid of this piece of garbage!
Telling other women he's single??
He's a piece of trash. Leave him now.
Let him GO to Mardi Gras...when he is gone, you do what you have to do --- see an attorney and get your finances ready --- and then FILE! Move out while he is gone, when he gets back from his vacation *** sexfest, you'll be GONE!
I would be okay with my own going because we don't have the issues you two have. So me caring if my husband goes has nothing to do with your situation.
It's clear your husband has no business going for multiple reasons.
In my opinion there are red flags everywhere and that isn't the type of marriage anyone needs to be in. Divorce at that point would be my plan.
Or at least counseling or something major. It isn't fair for you to have to plan and deal with this on your own. And you shouldn't force yourself to deal with it either. He has crossed a major line and clearly you know that or else you wouldn't be here.
EDIT: Yea after reading all your replies divorce is your only option. Take your kids and leave to a safe area and immediately look for lawyers.
Well at the very least ( and I mean the very very least) you need to ask him to wear a condom when you have sex. Lord, knows what kind of life ending diseases he is bringing into your home.
If you don't protect yourself, your children may end up as orphans.
From what I have read, I would hit him with divorce papers. However, it may be a good idea to save some money and start documenting his shady endeavors; it may help you in the divorce case.
Well, hell.
If you won't leave, I hope you have side boyfriends of your own. No need to be lonely and miserable, you know?
Let him go. And while he's gone, file for divorce and change the locks.
Listen, if he's going to cheat on you down there, he;s going to cheat on you at home too, if he hasn't already.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
I think before he goes you should try to get pregnant again.
Oh dear. Who cares about Mardi Gras. Let him go. He's not much of a husband while he is there. It sounds like your husband has checked out of the marriage, but at least you know it. You say you're not ready to leave yet, so I can only assume you have your reasons. Please be prepared that he might leave you before you are ready to leave him.
I advise you to stop having unprotected sex with this man and make sure your finances are in order so that you can take care of yourself and your children. Good luck.
TTC since September 2012
My baby making days are over, but nice jab for no reason
As for what it would take to leave him, I really don't know. Time. I guess. I should clarify that only one of the children is ours together. My older two are from my first marriage, and he has been there for them 100% and he is such a wonderful father. Just a crappy husband. I'm sure I'm not the only mom that feels like their happiness should never come before that of their children. I don't know. I'm not leaving him. I know I'm not. As much as I would love to have the balls to leave, I just don't.
But when he comes back (he left yesterday, btw) how am I supposed to go on with our lives? Like nothing happened? How should I be acting now? I've stayed fairly quiet and calm about the whole thing but inside I am just a huge ball of flaming ticked off. I know I can't hold it in till he gets back as much as I'm trying. Every time he calls I just want to turn my phone off.
I feel you on this, but I certainly don't plan on telling my children about daddy's habits. To them, he's the greatest man on earth. We don't fight around them, they want for nothing..In all seriousness do you think they would find out eventually? That would be a problem. But unless they did know, in their eyes mommy would just be taking daddy away from them and that's what I don't want happening.
But more importantly, your clearly unhappy and they WILL pick up on that and a lot sooner. They'll grow up thinking that their parents not being happy is the norm. And that the dad discounting their mom and her feelings is normal. Is this what you want your kids to learn? There is NO way you or your DH will be able to pretend you are a happy, lovin couple for the rest of your lives. No way. Your profound unhappiness WILL show to your kids.
So, yes, they will "want" for something. A happy mom and happy parents. Don't delude yourself that they wont clue in. Even if they don't figure out the cheating part for years.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10