Am I irrational?

DianaL616

I get home from work at 8:45pm on Thursdays and usually H is already home from work. Tonight I get home and he's not here. I called him and he said he stopped at a friend's house after work. Am I wrong to be annoyed that he didn't text me this? Not to ask for permission but at least as a "FYI, I won't be home when you get home so don't worry" I would do that if it was the other way around. 

cpm1223

Things like this don't bother my personally...but I'd talk to your H and let him know that you'd like a phone call next time. It's not too much to ask for a phone call or a text if it would help prevent you getting annoyed. 

AurorasEnvy

I'd be annoyed, too.  Like you said, a text something like "Hey, stopping at X's house after work tonight, be home later" would be fine.  It's not about asking permission, it's about letting me know you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere!

I'd probably approach it from the angle that you were worried, and that you'd feel better next time if he just sent you a quick text to let you know where he was. 

DianaL616

Yeah I'm going to talk to him and try to be calm but this is actually an ongoing issue. He's been getting home wayyy later than normal a couple times in the last week (like home at 10:30 - 11:00 when he's usually home at 7) and I've already asked him to please give me a heads up as a common courtesy. That's why I figured I see what you ladies had to say because I don't want to get too mad about something that isn't that big a deal.

Mona8

AurorasEnvy:

I'd be annoyed, too.  Like you said, a text something like "Hey, stopping at X's house after work tonight, be home later" would be fine.  It's not about asking permission, it's about letting me know you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere!

I'd probably approach it from the angle that you were worried, and that you'd feel better next time if he just sent you a quick text to let you know where he was. 

This. I would be worried and would expect a text/call just to let me know he is ok. 

mancila60

AurorasEnvy:

I'd be annoyed, too.  Like you said, a text something like "Hey, stopping at X's house after work tonight, be home later" would be fine.  It's not about asking permission, it's about letting me know you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere!

I'd probably approach it from the angle that you were worried, and that you'd feel better next time if he just sent you a quick text to let you know where he was. 

I agree with this too. But H and I have had this talk before so he knows. It's just a common courtesy of living with someone married or not. At least talk to him and explain to him why you think it's a big deal. 

DianaL616

Thanks girls! We did talk about it. We didn't live together before so I guess we still have a lot to learn about stuff like this. He understands that it's not that I want an hourly report of what he's doing...just that it would have been nice to know WHY I was got home to an empty apartment when he's always here

tking1286

I know how you feel! My husband works until 9pm and I usually go to bed around 9 since I get up early for work. One night he texted me and said he was running late. Ok, no problem. I went to bed and woke up around 10 pm. He still was not home. Went back to bed. Woke up around midnight. H still not home. So, i start to get worried. I tried to call him and he didn't answer his phone. I then texted one of his friends, because last time this happened he was over at a friends house. Sure enough he was over there. I don't have a problem at all if he goes over there, especially since I'm in bed anyway. I just get a little freaked out when I expect him home some time soon and he doesn't show up! His friend and his fianc? got on my H case about not telling me where he was. 

spalko

That wouldn't really bother me. H typically gets home around 2 every afternoon and it varies for me when I'll get home (between 5:30 - 7:30) so if he's not around when I get home I'll just text him real quick asking whats up. Usually, he's just at his parents or helping his brother.

cpm1223

DianaL616:

Yeah I'm going to talk to him and try to be calm but this is actually an ongoing issue. He's been getting home wayyy later than normal a couple times in the last week (like home at 10:30 - 11:00 when he's usually home at 7) and I've already asked him to please give me a heads up as a common courtesy. That's why I figured I see what you ladies had to say because I don't want to get too mad about something that isn't that big a deal.

Well this changes the 1st part of my respone...it would bother me if it was an ongoing issue...and he did it all the time. It didin't seem that way in your original post, which made me think it just happened this one time.

Melissa51212

I am such a worry wort that this would drive me up a wall. I would def talk to him about just checking in. This used to be an issue in our relationship. but H  has learned my paranoia so he makes every effort to check in with me.  

What's funny is the other night I didn't see my phone that he was calling he got so worried he ended up coming home from his buddies to see if I was okay. I know it sounds evil but I was kinda glad he realized how important it is to be in contact with each other. I always tell him, you are the person I love most in the world if anything happened my world would be over so  you need to just calm that fear and say hi. haha!

geojam224

My H used to do this all the time and it really pissed me off. Not that it would piss me off if he wanted to stop at a friend's house, because it wasn't usually that. I hated when he wouldn't be home at an expected time and not tell me. The first time he did it he was working late at his last job. It was the first time he had to work really late (which eventually became a habit, and why he quit that job). I got home from whatever I was doing around 8:00 and he wasn't home. I called him, no answer. The last time I had heard from him was a text at lunch that day. I was calling frantically for hours and never heard from him.

I called my mom in a panic and she told me a similar story about my dad. He once went out windsurfing (before cell phones) on Lake Erie, which he does often. My mom saw on the news that someone windsurfing on the Lake went missing and there was search party looking for him. My mom hadn't heard from my dad and it was well past dusk, so she had good reason to believe my dad went missing. Turns out it was my dad's friend, who never turned up, and my dad stayed to help the search party, but never told my mom he was ok.

This freaked me out, so I ended up calling local hospitals and police stations after hours of not hearing from him and expecting him home, asking if there was a car accident or something. He didn't come home until midnight that night and told me he wasn't comfortable using his phone at work, that's why he didn't call. I ripped him a new one. The new rule was if he had to work late, he had to text me with a guesstimate of when he would be out, but if and when he exceeded it, he just had to keep updating me on his new ETA (Estimated time of arrival). It was never that bad again, but he does have a tendency to do stuff like that... 

adventureisoutthere

When my hubby and Moved in together we had the same problem. We came to the agreement, eventually, that I would make supper for 6-630 and of he was home great if not I'd eat without him. Part of that agreement is, if he's working and doesn't get a chance to call (he works construction) that's acceptable. BUT! If he's done work and has just gone out for beers with the guys ill be ticked! It usually only an issue in the summer, and last summer he did pretty good. before h and I moved in together he lived alone, and when he lived at his mom and dads from probably grade 11 on he didn't really have a curfew and he didn't really need to check in. So it was a big adjustment for him. It's getting much better. But it's still a work in progress....