Married Life
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
First Year of Marriage
We are currently almost through with our first year of marriage, and honestly, I feel disappointed, disillusioned, and (selfishly I know), a little ripped off. All of my married friends, parents, and others told us that they had so much fun their first year of marriage. That is was one of the best, just being free and married and able to just enjoy each other. This year has been less than wonderful. Even when we had the summer together with no school, we didn't really do anything. I tried to initiate activities and bonding and sex, but mostly, it just fell flat. He wanted to relax before school. Now that we are almost at the year mark, I keep thinking, "What happened? Where did that first year go?" And is it ever going to be more like what everyone said our first year should be like? I've brought it up up to him a bit before, but i don't want to just have negative things to say and bring him down.
Re: First Year of Marriage
It sounds like your husband is a homebody. Nothing wrong with it.
So when you planned activities, did he just outright say No ?
Just try talking to him and tell him you are bored staying home all the time and need to come to a compromise. Maybe if you plan activities, he just needs to tag along and have a good attitude.
Yea, everyone's experiences with their first year of marriage, or just their relationship in general is not going to be the same....different people = different relationship.
That said though, it shouldn't suck for you either....so I think it would be time for you to sit and have a little chat with your H and see what the disconnect is here. You guys should be doing fun things together - even if it is not every single day 24/7, you shouldn't be just sitting there doing nothing at all either, including the sexy time....
How were you before marriage? Did you do a lot of fun things and have good sex? Because although I did have a great first year of marriage, I wouldn't say there was some drastic change from before marriage. DH and I always did fun things and had a great sex life. It's why I married him.
If he was more "fun" before marriage, then you guys really need to have a talk here. He could be depressed or having a rough time adjusting.
I agree w/ Golden. Did you have the type of relationship you describe wanting BEFORE you were married or did you somehow think that getting married would change your relationship into what you're expecting in this post?
I am in my first year of marriage and I don't really understand your post. I have been with my DH for 4 years and getting married hasn't changed the way we are as a couple.
Then I think you need to have a frank talk with him. Let him know you're missing the fun you used to have, and maybe asking him to set apart some time each week for you.
It also sounds like at the moment, he's very busy and you are bored. I would suggest getting involved in your own activities to fill your time, whatever you are interested in. It's understandable that you are bored after being home alone all day, but it is also understandable that he's tired after a long day and just wants to relax. Hence the compromise of setting aside specific time.
Talk to him. let him know what it is that you need. But don't make it about "our first year". Just talk about what you, as a person, need. And how the two of you used to have that....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This response is to both your posting: first addressing - ?Dramatic Decrease in Sex? which seems to deal with your sexual relationship to each other. Since you mentioned ?? we have sex once or twice a month. It is not a libido problem on my part ? I am almost never too tired for sex, and would like to have it at twice a week ? been this way even since honeymoon. We had sex three times on a week long honeymoon ?? Here I say it sounds as though he?s the one with a major problem! I do not know of any healthy male who would/will turn down a roll-in-the-hay, sex (that is) because of some of the reasons you mentioned unless he?s a problem with himself being able to perform! Does he have inhibitions as to his being a man? How well did you really know him before saying ?I do?? This relationship does not seem healthy to me - I would seek professional help in having him see his physician for medical problem(s) or a marriage counselor for maybe physiological ailment!
As for addressing secondly: - ?First Year of Marriage? you?ve definitely IMHO been ?short changed? since you say ?All of my married friends, parents, and others told us that they had so much fun their first year of marriage. That is was one of the best, just being free and married and able to just enjoy each other.? By this I would say that you did not really have what all other couples have, enjoyed, and usually gotten all (if not more than they really wanted) the ?sex? one can muster. In other words you?ve not had a real ?HONEYMOON? to speak of! You say ?I keep thinking, ?What happened? Where did that first year go?? And is it ever going to be more like what everyone said our first year should be like??? In answer to - What happened? You?ve allowed it to vanish - it can?t be brought back! Where did that first year go? It?s in the past but, you have time to change your future. Start demanding him be a MAN give you what you so need from a husband - (sex) ? Now for ?And is it ever going to be more like what everyone said our first year should be like?? If you start right now by demanding him - then your marital life will be better; if you put-on the pants - so to speak!
Then there?s some like me who?ve enjoyed that a never ending marital-bliss that just never seems to stop - our honeymoon has never really ended in more than 9-1/2 years of marriage! It just keeps getting better with time even after four kids and another on the way!!!
I sincerely hope you two find that happy balanced sexual relationship - soon! Otherwise your marriage is doomed! On rocky ground so watch out for the other shoe to drop!
You have had a ton of adjustment.
Actually, you could consider this a blessing in disguise.
Many newly-wed couples do not face much difficulty or adjustment in their first year or two and then all of a sudden they are faced with something down the road and it sends one or both of them reeling.
You guys are facing it right off the bat. All it can do is strengthen you for years to come. That's what marriage is about anyway, the long-term and the long haul.
Ditto PP. Sounds like an activity or two for you on your own outside of work and home could be good. And, perhaps you and your DH could set aside one night per week as date night.