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How should I handle this?
My husband and I have been married for over 4 years, and we're currently stuck in a rough patch. We have an infant and since giving birth, my sex drive has taken a nosedive. I struggled with post partum depression and just life with an infant, and sex got pushed to the back burner. This has been hard for my husband, and it's caused a strain between us because while I know that he wants intimacy, I just don't. We've had sex a handful of times, but I know it's nowhere near the frequency my husband would like.
On top of this, tonight my husband asked me why I wasn't into Steak and Hummer Day. He told me to answer honestly, and said that if there was a Cunnilingus and Steak Day, he'd be all over it.
I blurted out my honest answer, that I don't enjoy going down on him as much as he enjoys going down on me. He was shocked. I explained that I enjoy HIS enjoyment of it, and that's why I've done it, but it's not my favorite thing in the world.
Now he's angry and hurt. He feels like I've misled him and have been dishonest because I was never forthcoming with this. I've reiterated that I like doing something that makes him feel good, and that's why I do it, but he says he's not going to ask for oral anymore and he feels like he's questioning everything between us.
Honestly, I feel like he's completely overreacting. I told him that the reason I hadn't told him about it wasn't because I was hiding something, but because I didn't feel a need to put it out there.
I hate that we have yet another strain on an already-stressed relationship. I hate that he's not going to ask for a sex act that he enjoys simply because he knows it's not my favorite thing to do. Which probably sounds stupid, but I like for him to be happy when we actually do have sex, so that's what it comes down to.
I don't know what to do or say. I'm at a total loss. I don't think our marriage is doomed or anything like that, but the hole we're in just keeps getting deeper and deeper. I'm starting to consider the option of counseling, both to deal with my own issues, and to deal with our issues as a couple. In the mean time, do you ladies happen to have any suggestions?
Re: How should I handle this?
Why don't you like going down on him?
Is it a "good girls don't do that" or a gag reflex thing or the taste of ejaculate? These are only a few reasons -- maybe you did it once and you didn't like it, etc. Again, only you can answer for sure.
you can make this up to him by giving him the blow job of his life....nonwithstanding that, give him about a week or so to cool off and then sit down with him in a setting that's not the bedroom and discuss the issue like 2 objective, reasonable adults. Make sure you tell him you did not mean to offend him or insult him or his manhood in any way.
Have you had a full medical checkup? Maybe your hormones are still all whacked out or something else is interfering with your libido; certain meds will do it; if it's a med thing, ask your doc to change the dosage.
have your thyroid checked, also. Thyroid problems will kill your libido or weaken it.
Would it help if you went and bought a for-couples sex manual --- mainstream book stores sell them. There are also books; one is called The Ultimate Kiss --- you might want to check that one out, also, for a pro-head look at oral sex.
If you've got an issue with smell, taste, grooming (he can manscape; lots of guys do it, the same as women wax and trim and such) or a hangup with you thinking "this isn't nice for ladies to do" or you feel uncomfortable on some other level, maybe there's a way to work around it and to do it together.
If it's a hygiene issue, that can be solved by the 2 of you jumping into the shower first.
When you told him you were not into oral sex, I am most certain you did not mean it in an offensive way. I'm thinking that there's a way around this and maybe you and he, like I said, can work on this together.
Sometimes marriage ebbs and flows. It's easy to lose yourself and your communication when you are in the middle of taking care of a baby and not feeling good about yourself. Have you seen your doctor about your feelings since having the baby? You don't have to suffer.
I would be honest with your husband about everything you mentioned in your post here. It seems as if your communication could use some work on both ends. Maybe a few sessions with a marriage counselor could help you both learn to communicate better, especially in stressful times.
Thank you for the responses!
The reason I'm not a fan of giving oral is because I have TMJ, a common joint disorder in the jaw. It very quickly becomes uncomfortable, and then painful, for me. There's also the occasional gag and I don't like the taste, but those are very much secondary after the physical discomfort it causes.
At around 9 weeks post partum, I was diagnosed with post partum depression and was put on an anti-depressant. While the medication helped my emotional highs and lows, it made me physically unable to orgasm. I spoke to my OB about it, and she said that I would need to see a mental health professional to work on finding a better medication. It's my fault that I haven't sought that help yet. I stopped taking the PPD meds in the interest of regaining some of our sex life, but I think I still need the medication for the emotional/mental issues.
After I posted this last night I had a long talk with DH. I assured him that I'd never been hiding something from him, I simply didn't feel like it was worth bringing up. I told him that it's something I don't mind doing for his benefit, and that's why I've never told him no when he's asked for oral. It was a long convo, but I think we worked through a good portion of it and smoothed out some of the issues. We still have some things to work through, but I at least feel like we've made a good start.
I wanted to add that I have had the same reaction to antidepressants--lost the ability to orgasm. I am now on a newish one that was at least in part created to avoid that particular side effect. I am happy to say it works for me. It is called Viibryd. There is no generic for it yet but it's been great for helping depression but not affecting your sex drive, for me anyway.
Regarding blowjobs--well, not everyone is going to enjoy giving them. I also enjoy giving them to some men and not others, based on their reactions. I think your H is being ridiculous. I mean, I like that he cares so much about how much YOU enjoy it, but I also feel like he should be able to enjoy a blowjob from you without it having to be something you are fully into. As long as you are willing to pleasure him and it's not causing you outright pain, he should be happy, right?
If the TMJ is painful, that's a different story...
He actually asked for steak and hummer day?!? He sounds like an insensitive prick to me. PPD is no freaking joke plus the exhaustion of having a baby he is lucky you talk to him.
DH issues aside for a moment, you should probably make an appointment with your OB to get a reference for a therapist that deals with ppd (or call the nurse line). It does not sound like a good idea to stop meds w/o consulting a doctor.
As for your DH, he's an idiot. His lack of empathy towards what you are dealing with and his ability to make inappropriate curd comments is not okay. He needs to get over it and you should not feed into his behavior. Was this a one off comment? Is his reaction typical or in response to the general state of things? Sounds like you are working through numerous adjustments in this stage of your marriage.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I think the people saying the husband is an insensitive bastard are insensitive bitches.. Do you think she really wants to hear that her husband is a bastard from someone who doesn't even know him? Now I agree his timing was wrong with the steak and hummer day thing and take into consideration what she is goin through, but maybe he was trying to lighten the mood, maybe not, we don't know and we can't assume unless she says herself "he was being an insensitive bastard when he said this..." Do you tell your husband how you feel about sex? Do you tell your husband when you are feeling down? Do you tell your husband why you feel this way? Do you talk to your husband about your PPD? Because if you don't I personally feel that you should so he understands how you feel and how often you feel it. Men don't know what it is like to go through what us women go through with pregnancy, birthing, and postpartum. So if you let him in in your thoughts, not only may he understand a little more, he can be more sympathetic and also maybe he can help lift your moods. Really it's a plus all around. Talk to him, talk to your OB about your issues on the health side and if you feel it will help, talk to a counselor as well. But I highly advise talking to your husband about your feelings... If you are hurting I think he should be the first one you talk to, not some random sexist women you don't know.
^^^WSS. Sounds like your husband needs to put his big boy pants on and get over it. he has two hands, tell him to use em!
I'm honestly not sure what prompted his question about Steak and Hummer Day. It's something he's mentioned over the years, the stupid male counterpart to Valentine's Day or some crap, and I've always ignored him and blown it off. I just thought it was ridiculous.
But why he asked at that time, I'm not entirely sure. He was on his iPad at the time, so I don't know if he saw mention of it somewhere or what.
Re: the blowjobs, yeah, I'm not sure what's going to end up happening there. I'm not going to beg to give him head, you know what I mean? If he refuses to ask, I don't know what will happen, but I figure we'll sort it out later. Actually giving him oral sex isn't high on my list of priorities right now.
I can see how my couple of posts have painted my husband to look like an insensitive bastard. He's actually not, at all. He's generally very caring and understanding. I've been talking to him about my PPD and the issues associated with it. I've been very forthcoming with him regarding my lack of sex drive, striving so hard to make clear that it has nothing to with him. His self esteem has taken a blow, which I can understand completely, and I'm trying to counter that by reassuring him where and when I can.
Ultimately, a PP was right - he doesn't fully understand. He can't comprehend the insanity (no pun intended) of post partum hormones and the toll pregnancy and delivery can take on our emotional and mental state. I try to explain it, and I know he tries to understand it, but based on previous comments, I know he just doesn't get it. He does try, though. And I assure you, his heart is in the right place. He's a good man, and generally, a very good husband.
I definitely need to pursue help for myself, which is something I knew and you've all been correct to reiterate. I need to take care of myself in that regard, and it's something I'm going to actually put effort into.
Also, for what it's worth, I don't think anyone here has been an insensitive ***. I think you're all only able to respond to what any of us post in these "please help me" threads, and any of these threads are just a sliver of our lives. With the information I presented, I can see how it's easy to assume he's a total d!ck. I appreciate all of the responses and advice, truly.
I am going to guess you haven't had a child yet. I wear my title you have given me with pride. I'm really tearing up with the honor.
I have TMJ, too. You might consider wearing a mouth guard at night to prevent clenching and stress, and/or braces if you have across-bite impacting it, and/or surgery to correct the TMJ (I need to have surgery because I have an over-developed jaw bone, and they need to sand it down, basically).
Seriously, talk to your dentist/doctor about the TMJ issue.
Wow aren't you a bright one? You don't think she talked to her H first? You think this has been going on for months and she just decided to come in here and tell us?
Let him into her thoughts? wow He doesn't know she has PPD? Has he been living in a different household?
that's right we should tell her to treat him like a 5 year old who doesn't get it. She should hold his hand and not hurt his itty bitty feelings.
what a jackass.
Actually I am a mother. I have a child and I've been through it all she is explaining and some more too. My husband was working offshore when I gave birth, came home just in time for me to have the baby then left days after getting out of the hospital for weeks. So I was young raising my stepdaughter and my newborn son and I had issues with it, it was *** hard and when my husband came home, he was full of testosterone and wanted to release some sexual frustrations after being out in the middle of the ocean for weeks on end with a shitload of men. And I didn't feel like it. And yeah there were times he got angry or upset. And at that time I refused to give him head, but he got over it and I got over it. Him asking for it or getting angry about not getting any doesnt make him an insensitive bastard. And if he were to ask for a steak and hummer day I would laugh. Men have needs too. And they need to satisfy those needs and that's part of being a wife. Can they be a little out of line sometimes, uh yeah, they are men come on, but are they insensitive bastards? No. But you women on here are more insensitive than they are. I don't give a *** what you think of me. I don't give a *** about your sarcasm and its pretty funny you have pride in being sexist and bitchy. That's what's wrong with society nowadays. Pretty sad. YOU, whoever you are, are a pathetic person and I feel sorry for you and the people you surround yourself. I don't see how one can stand you if you pride yourself with that title. Why someone would want to be around a person so quick to pass judgement on someone they don't know from part of a story they don't really know. Hahahaha it's pretty funny, but again sad at the same time.
Lurker here, with opinions on a couple things.
Regarding TMJ problems: Other posters have already touched on the importance of getting the necessary medical/dental care, so I won't say more on that. But at the risk of TMI, I can tell you that what's worked for me as someone with TMJ issues and a husband who loves oral is to vary what I'm doing. When I feel my jaw starting to get sore, I back off and either use just my tongue or my hand, then switch back once my jaw feels better. I think H digs the variety, too. Have you asked him what aspects of oral he enjoys the most? Some creativity on both your parts may help.
Regarding PPD: Seconding other posters' suggestions that you see a therapist, both for your depression and to address the communication issues in your relationship. I'm going to go a step further, though, and suggest you see a psychiatrist as well. Any general physician can prescribe an antidepressant, but a psychiatrist has MUCH more depth of knowledge about different varieties of psych meds and their side effects. Sexual side effects are very common with antidepressants, and you may need a less typical med to avoid that pitfall. Given that you've already had one poor experience with an antidepressant, I think you'll get a better result from seeing someone with that specialized knowledge.