Trouble in Paradise
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Really lost and confused
I really don't know if my marriage can be fixed or not. I really just need some advice. I have been married since October 2011, but we have been dating for 6 years on and off. The sex was great the first two times we dated. Then this time he hasn't always wanted it but I dealt with it because I was getting it once a week. Well now i'm lucky to get it twice a month. When I ask him why he doesn't want to have sex he says he don't like it. That orgasms dont feel good anymore and that he would rather do things that are more enjoyable, like getting a back scratch. He says he just doesn't enjoy it. He says he will do it to make me happy but I can't have sex with him when he doesn't want it because then it isn't enjyable for me. We have been trying to have a child but that's impossible with little sex we have. Now everytime we talk we fight. He works 2nd shift and I work 1st so I only see him on Saturdays and sometimes in passing on his way out the door. He says he will go to the dr to try to fix his problem just to make me happy but if he's not what he wants what good is that doing? Plus he will not take any meds so what good is that? Do any of you have any advice or am I right and my marriage is over?
Re: Really lost and confused
If sex is important to you, you should have found a guy who liked sex as much as you did.
He says he doesn't like it.
I have NEVER known of a normal man who says that he dislikes sex.
And you are TTC on top of this (no pun intended): STOP. You have a problematic marriage and you have had a problematic relationship for the past 6 years.
You have a problematic marriage. it's problematic because of the discord with a sex issue: you want to have lots more sex and he's out to lunch on that one. Not good.
And he says he will see a doc to fix his problem....JUST to make you happy???
That sure is a comfort and wow, great. (note the sarcasm)
ONLY if he has an organic problem (hormonal imbalance or thyroid problem) can a doc "fix" the problem --- but if he's got a problem where he is just not into sex, the Surgeon General and the entire population of doctors in these United States won't be able to "fix" sh!t.
PLENTY could be happening here:
He could be gay and in the closet.
AND this problem has caused plenty of arguments and fights and the fights are going to keep happening. And he has NOT done anything to address the problem and work on it with you.
That he has said he does not like sex and does not enjoy it would be big concern for me --- as it should be for you.
What you can do:
Give him a deadline to ante up in the bedroom and if he does not, see an attorney and file. Life's too short to waste on somebody like this and to boot he's more or less emotionally blackmailing you and "offering" to get help "for you." This is bullshit --- and this isn't a partner who cares.
I do not think counseling will help. This jerk's made up his mind what it is "he" wants.
All I see here is anger on his part and who needs that???
And while you are in the midst of filing:
Get therapy.
Your self esteem is about as low as his sex drive; you need to find out why you were willing to stay with this turkey as long as you did. As I said, the second you found out he was such a wimp in the bedroom, you should have found another boyfriend. GL.
This, from December of 2011:
My husband and me have been married for a month and a half. Well everynight when we go too bed we always have a really passionate kiss before turning over adn going to sleep. Last night he made the comment that he can't wait til we are older so he can just give me a peck on the cheek and go to sleep. Then he said babe we have already been married over a month, it's not special anymore. I was hurt and upset. Should I be? How cn I get him to understand it is still special?
Sis, are you kidding me?
Really and truly: are you KIDDING me.
Why did you even date this guy, let alone MARRY him???
As I said, no doctor in the world can light a fire under this little twit and get him to get it up and put it where it belongs regularly.
Don't think of conceiving with this jerk. He treats YOU like trash; you think he is father material??? Guess again.
Honestly, I'm afraid of divorce. I've been with him for so long, I don't know want tome alone but I'm also tired of the fighting. He just called me and wants to fix things but I think they are past that point.
Why are you afraid of divorce?
is it because you can't face being alone? Because that's what I think is is.
So you're going to put up with the mistreatment and bull instead?
He's not going to fix anything. I guarantee you he is giving you lip service on this one too and in no time at all there'll be another fight.
My goodness.
ALL of this is full of nothing but no respect for you.
he has to THINK about kissing you???
Honey, this isn't normal.
And neither is this piece of work.
Not NORMAL!
you and he are married 15 months! He should still be passionate and arduous and hot as a fuse for you! And as well he should, after 6 years!
At best, you and he should be having sex 2 times a week minimum; 3 would be great.... but I do not see that happening.
He isn't normal and this entire marriage dynamic is not normal.
He's not into sex with you.
See an attorney; if you and he own the home together, you will not be stuck paying for the entire kit and kaboodle; it is co-owned if both your names are on the deed.
Life is too short to have what's left of your self esteem pulverized into nothing by some jerk of a husband.
Trust your gut on this; put yourself first.
In my opinion, this was a relationship that never was. For some reason, you pursued marriage with this guy -- I suspect you did it so as not to be alone and so you'd get a child out of it. Sorry, but you are alone, in asmuch as this guy has no accord for you at all... and as for the child part, forget it.
Put yourself first.
He is what he is and he practically wore a Grand Canyon-sized sandwich board that said what he was, when you MET him.
He isn't going to change.
He wasn't a sexual kind of guy when you met him, he never will be one.
i'd even go as far as to ask him if he is homosexual.
Something isn't right here. I don't know if you have any guy friends who you trust and who are willing to speak candidly about how they feel about sex, but I am most certain if you got a male point of view about this, you'd get quite an earful.
They wouldn't mince words and they'd tell you there is NO such thing as a normal male who'd pass up sex in any size shape or form!
If it turns out he is gay, you could have this sham of a marriage annulled in a civil court.
And even if he is not gay, they used to call this kind of behavior "alienation of affection." In other words, he refuses to get busy and have sex with his wife. That too used to be grounds for divorce.
And any clergy person would tell you that this isn't normal. I don't know if you are religious or spiritual but even still: the vow is "forsaking all others" and he sure broke that vow about a trillion times over.
Stop referrring to intercourse as "it" or "got it." This is a little childish and trite. It's also not referring to something by its proper term.
Sweetie, life is too short to be unhappy like this. Yes it is scary. But it will be worth it in the end. You want someone who can be a real partner to you and who truly loves you. Not constant fighting, and begging for affection. It costs him nothing to cuddle with you, to kiss you. He should want to do those things. And there is a guy who will do those things.
Yep -- get out there and find a guy who thinks you are hotter than Vesuvius erupting.:)
The PP is exactly right: it costs nothing to be affectionate, to kiss you, to show affection out side of the bedroom.
I am also wondering if your H was your firs and only boyfriend. Very likely it is -- you have nothing to compare your experience to -- if you did, you'd know that this guy's got rocks in his head and you'd have been history pretty quickly once you found out that he was not a sexual guy.
Or if you did have other boyfriends other than this guy, could be you've had problems with them too in which case your now-H is an addition to a long line of problematic relationships/boyfriends.
If he won't make good after a deadline -- give him a month -- file and get out of there. As I said life is too short to waste on a character like this. He'll chip away at the little that's there of your self esteem and you do not need that.
He doesn't like sex?
Just doesn't like the sex act itself?
Or doesn't like sex with YOU?
I am also wondering if you have a full account of exactly what his sex life was like with other women before you got into the picture. I'll bet that's quite the story.
I have to agree with this. You've taken a big step by admitting that you're only with him because you don't want to be alone. But being alone is so much better than being in an empty relationship, and you'll never find the relationship that you want while you're still with this guy.
I would strongly urge you to get some individual counseling to work on your self-esteem and develop an identity for yourself apart from a guy. I know it can be scary, but once you successfully extricate yourself from this situation, you'll wonder why you thought being with this guy was the end-all, be-all of your existence.
I am with Tarpon.....
You'll get quite the earful, as I said. Never ever have I heard of a guy who dislikes sex.
Rather have a backscratch, really?
Orgasms don't feel good, really?
Amazing.
And for-real: ask him if he is homosexual.
Can your marriage be fixed? Honey, he was broken when you MET him. Therefore the relationship you had with him was broken, too. I don't see a snowball's chance of this marriage being fixed -- and even so, it takes 2 people, not one, to make any type of relationship work. He's telling you loud and clear that he doesn't give a tinker's damn.
That's what I'm thinking.
"I don't like sex" translates out to "I don't like sex with you" so he is either gay or has been having an affair for the entire length of time he has known her and has done a fantastic job of hiding the evidence.
The ball is in the OP's court (or so to speak). How much of this sh!t are you supposed to take? Well, I guess it's 6 years and counting since that's the entire length of time she's been involved with her H.
I have to agree with pps. I'm sorry, but it sounds like your husband is either gay or sleeping with somebody else. I know there could be medical reasons for a low libido, but your husband doesn't sound like he really cares about having sex with you.
What man says this? "he doesn't want to have sex he says he don't like it. That orgasms dont feel good anymore and that he would rather do things that are more enjoyable, like getting a back scratch. He says he just doesn't enjoy it"
That is not normal.
TTC since September 2012
Great on one front -- but she will still be living with this sh!thead who's already made it clear how he feels about her.
I know this is a tough issue that you are dealing with here, but I encourage you not to give up hope. On the other hand, your husband is to be commended for his willingness to seek medical advice trying to reverse this trend. I?m not a counselor; I?m just a wife like you. And, I want to let you know that this is not uncommon in marriages. Almost all marriages go through periods when the man has a lower sex drive than the wife. I understand that circumstances such stress at work, depression, a physical condition, or extreme tension in marriage or life can decrease the husband's interest in sex. While these periods are frustrating, they are causing strain on your marriage that may be growing unbearable. If you think it would helpful for you or your husband, this can be done with the guidance of a third party. A marriage therapist will identify why this happened and can come up with practical ideas on how to strengthen your sexual intimacy. The book ?No more Headaches: Enjoying sex and intimacy in marriage? by Dr. Julianna Slattery talk in depth about these same issues. Best to you!Didn't you read what the OP said at all?
Their sex life has been lousy since just about Day One. He has said he does not like sex. He has said orgasms do not feel good. And all the couple does is argue over their lack of sex.
Commend him on what, exactly? For doing what --- doing the wife a favor so she'll get off his back?
You cannot fix what's never been right. This guy hasn't got an organic medical problem: the problem is HIM. Nothing will fix that.
Comprehension fail!