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Work trouble=marriage trouble?
Hello everyone!
My husband and I have been married for 3 and a half years. I love him so much and would do anything for him. We have had money difficulties since we got married, but have worked through a lot of our debt. We have student loan debt and are working toward saving for a house.
We were thrilled last May when my husband got a full time job! He had been working odd jobs to help pay the bills while he looked for a job. His job isn't the greatest paying job, but it is something. His boss is rude to him and talks down to him, so it isn't a great/ideal situation. In this economy, he's sticking with it because he basically has no other choice. It took him 3 years just to get this one.
The problem now is that he comes home at night frustrated at his job/boss. We have fought more this past year than we have the entire time we have been married. He says he feels like I don't support him when he comes home and talks about a problem at work, but when I have a problem, we sit and talk it out. I do feel like I try to talk things through with him, but he says it's "half-hearted" and I don't actually think through the suggestions I'm throwing out. He also feels like I make every problem about me. I'm not really sure what I do to make him feel this way, except I have brought up how he seems mad at me when we talk about job stuff. I am trying to be positive and supportive, but he says he's alone, his boss doesn't support him, I'm not supportive, everything is about me, and it's "always the same" with me.
I'm sorry this is so long, but has anyone been through this? What did you do help your husband feel supported while at a job he hates? Did it cause tension in your marriage? I really don't want to be another problem in my husband's life. How do I help him?
Re: Work trouble=marriage trouble?
DH hates his job. I never ask him about it unless he brings it up. If he seems like he's in a bad mood I give him his space. If he starts to complain, I am a listening ear but don't really offer suggestions - I'm no expert. sometimes if I'm having a bad day at work I tell DH I need to vent, to not offer suggestions because it's not really something that needs to be "fixed," but I just want someone to listen.
Maybe you could ask him what you can do to make him feel better. Does he want your advice? Just want you to listen?
For the past two and a half years, I worked in a job that made me miserable. There were so many reasons why this job wasn't working for me. I alternatively was in tears or furious over day to day things there. It was definitely a strain. Any time things are hard for one person, it's a strain to the other and the relationship.
Truthfully, all I wanted my husband to do was understand and be patient. I had a short fuse and would easily get angry. Things were crappy all day long at work so I really didn't want to come home to more stress. I wanted a clean apartment, few apartment issues, and a very low key social life. I wanted to be able to say no to anything going on without getting an earful about how I *had* to do something. But, I think I explained this well as time went on.
Ask him directly what he wants from you and will be the most helpful. Understand that it's going to change as time goes on. Ask him what he's going to do to better his situation. As much as I hated my job, I spent a lot of time putting my next moves in place so I could leave my job and get happier. I completely realized that it wasn't fair for my husband to just jump when I said jump and that I needed to take responsibility for my attitude (I apologized A LOT), but I also was the key to ultimately fixing my situation.
I agree with this, it's going to be difficult to give the right kind of support if he doesn't let you know what he wants from you in this situation, ask him what you can do to support him and it will hopefully be a bit easier. It might turn out he doesn't even know, but then at least you've moved forward
Yeah, this is pretty standard. You spend so much of your time at work that even if you try not to bring it home and to enjoy the time you're not working, you end up putting so much pressure on your personal life to make the rest of it worthwhile that you end up ruining that, too. Sucky jobs are a life ruiner.
What I did when my husband had a job he hated, and what he did when I had a job I hated, was to encourage each other to find a new job, and to try to work out a budget where, if one day we just can't take it any more, one of us can quit on the spot and we can live without the other income for a good while.
When my husband talks about his job, I let him vent and I try to use my best judgement on how I react. Sometimes I make suggestions, sometimes I try to play Devil's advocate; however, most of the time I just reflect his own emotions and say "Man, that sucks" or "That is unfair" or " I would be upset too."
I just know when I am frustrated, someone trying to give you a pep talk can be annoying. Sometimes all you want is someone to say "Dude, that sucks, I'm sorry.
These are good ideas. Is there a way he can blow off steam as well? I know exercise helps take some of the pressures of the day from work for me and my DH.
Also, does your DH want you communicate in a certain way? I've learned that men and women communicate very differently. When I want to talk about work, I want someone to be there and listen while DH wants to give me constructive advice. He does that because she wants to fix situations. Sometimes the differences in communication can also be a bust when you both are coming at a problem from two different angles. Can you ask him what he needs when he comes home from a rough day? Not what you can do for him, but rather what he needs?
Thank you everyone! All these are very good thoughts and I will definitely use them! I am a "fixer" and want to offer suggestions to help. I need to let him vent. He emailed me today and I took your opinion and said, "You're right, this sucks! Your boss is being unfair." I left it at that. He talked to his boss today, which I thought was a positive step. She may or may not do anything, but at least he is taking steps in the right direction. He seems in a bit better mood today.
For the person who recommended discussing a new job plan, we are working on one. We are taking classes to get new certifications. I am hoping this will lead to a new job for him eventually and we have long term goals to get him out, but it will take some time, but that is a great suggestion. Thank you!
For the person that recommended an outlet/stress reliever, I think that is awesome! We exercise daily. It has been rainy here, so that doesn't help moods and we aren't able to do our walks when it rains, so that was probably part of the argument last night. Meaning we are probably a little restless being stuck inside so much.
He has such a happy and outgoing personality. It's one of the main reasons I married him! He makes me smile and brightens my day just to be around him. I want to be that for him, so I really appreciate all the advise!
I had a job I hated too with a verbally abusive boss. I was in it for a year.
The best people who helped me were good listeners. THey didn't try to solve, fix or give advice. They sat and heard me, let me vent or cry (depending on the day), gave me a hug and asked questions like, "How did that make you feel?" And said comments like, "It was a hard day."
One of the best things someone did tell me was that home time, was MY TIME!
No mean, horrid boss could take that away from me and if I spent my time upset at home that meant I was letting her get to me everywhere and every time. She was winning.
As things got worse, I began to walk through my door every night, saying out loud to myself, "This is MY TIME!"
Separately, I want to give you and your DH a big kuddos for sticking with a job even though it's so unpleasant. That speaks a wealth about your characters and level of responsibility.
It's really hard to navigate this sort of issue, but I think you should try to get him to realize that he shouldn't be taking this out on you. Maybe ask him to refocus that energy into sharing his day and worries with you. At the same time, when he wants to vent, let him vent and try not to make it about you when the moment is about him. And when you want to be able to vent, let it be about you...just try to find that delicate balance.
I don't know if your husband plans on staying with that job long term or whatever, but with my husband I tell him to remember that he is learning things from his job and that he won't be with them forever. Encourage him to actively look for other jobs. I also have been telling my husband to let his experience at work teach him what he really wants out of his life and career.
Try to spend some quality time together every day, whether it's a meal together or watching a tv show or cuddling in bed and talking for a few minutes before you go to bed. Reconnecting like that on a regular basis can really help, I think. Write him a note once in a while that you can sometimes pack into his work lunch. I know some people do that for their partners, stuff like "I love you," "Have a great day," "I can't wait to see you later tonight," etc.