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Why Do Some Men Find Valentine's Day so Complicated?
Ok, so I've been feeling a little down this week so I was really looking forward to having a nice romantic Valentine's day. Well, before my husband left for work this morning, he asked me what I wanted to do. A little surprised, I said "oh, I don't know" then before leaving he said to "Just figure it out and let him know." That left me thinking: "Wow that was...romantic." Now I wasn't excepting some kind of grand gesture for V day, but I thought it would have been nice if he would have already planned out something. Even if it's just a nice dinner somewhere. I already have something planned for him, so I feel a little "weird" about having to plan out something for myself. I have been dropping hints, so he can't claim that he was "clueless". I know that this is somewhat typical male behavior, but it just amazes me sometimes. I mean all he had to do was Google "Valentine's Day ideas" and I'm sure he would have found something. Am I being irrational? Should I say something? Or should I just blame this all on him just being a male?
I seriously thought about paying him back by saying that I want to go and see "Safe Haven" tonight. That should teach him to not let me make the plans next year. :-)
Re: Why Do Some Men Find Valentine's Day so Complicated?
Here's a clue for you. Men don't get hints! If you can't spell things out as far as expectations then you failed at giving him the message! I told my wife I'm not spending fifty dollars on flowers this valentines day, got her a card and am making dinner. We will snuggle up and I've purchased her favorite movie to watch. Simple, not complicated and better on the budget.
Per gaps he's not one for romance. I don't know because you failed to clue us in on that aspect! Perhaps he's been busy and the day crept up quickly.
Thanks for your reply. Yeah I know men aren't so good at taking hints. I guess I just needed to vent a little.
I love what you planned for V day. I would have been perfectly happy with that. I guess I just wanted something to show that he made an effort.
Yeah I guess my husband isn't the most romantic person in the world. He's one of those people that I refer to as a "High Logic" types (he's a computer scientist) I guess I'm just going to have to accept that as one of his flaws.
Why is it so weird that you have to do the planning? And why are you planning something for yourself instead of something the two of you would both like to do? I don't understand the mentality that Valentine's Day is something that men should do for their wives or girlfriends. My husband and I don't generally celebrate it, but if you do shouldn't it be a mutual celebration?
And no, his lack of interest in planning Valentine's Day and his inability to read your mind aren't due to his being male. Going forward, if you want something, speak up instead of dropping hints, and if something is more important to you than it is to him, there's no reason you shouldn't take the initiative to make it happen.
Valentine's Day is just another day in my book. Rather than wait for a gift or some grand gesture, focus on what makes him such a good man, reflect on your life with him, etc. Lack of effort on Valentine's Day is not an indication of his feelings for you so don't spoil the day by being upset this, it's silly.
I also agree with ROFL... with men, if you don't ask for what you want, you'll get what you deserve. So perhaps this weekend you can discuss this with him, that going forward you would like him to make plans for V-Day.
I also have to add, I get that V-Day has sort of become a "woman's holiday" in that all the pressure is on the guy to do something nice... it's think that's stupid. It should be about couples celebrating their love for EACH OTHER - not just the husband buying chocolates or flowers or jewelry. I don't think it's fair that it's all on them. So plan something tonight that you BOTH will enjoy. (Even though it's a funny way to stick it to him, don't make him see Safe Haven!)
Good luck and have a blast tonight!
Does he normally plan things for Valentine's Day? If not, then I'm not sure why you're surprised. Saying a few hints and then being upset that he hasn't done something is just passive aggressive.
I'm not trying to be mean - I'm trying to open your eyes.
If you want to go out to dinner on Valentine's Day next year, say so. Tell him that's what you'd really like to do and ask him to make a reservation. Done! No anger, no resentment, no miscommunication - just clear and present information.
I'm sure you'd like to be surprised at some point with some nice gesture of his, but let him dictate when it happens just like your surprises are of your own volition.
I agree 100%. Also, expecting him to be or do something just because it's Valentine's Day when that's not his normal persona is just setting yourself up for disappointment.
Look, you have to talk about expectations, no one in a relationship is a mind reader. It isn't on him to know that you would like something or that you want him to take it all on. Why can't you plan some things for him?
Normally I could care less about Valentines day, truly can't stand the idea of spending a ton of money on flowers for 1 day. That said, this year has been rough and I wanted to do something. So about 2 weeks ago I told DH my expectations this year where different, I wanted to do simple gifts and dinner (we did last night b/c of a conflict). DH thought it was a good idea and we had fun last night. He didn't need to be told b/c he is a man but because I wanted to do something outside of our regular pattern. You can't expect someone to just know that is not realistic.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Plus, why is it always portrayed as a bad thing that "men can't take hints" but yet there is nothing wrong w/ "women can't be upfront about what they want"?
I don't get this thing about dropping hints. I really don't. If there is something you want, TELL him. I'd be SOOOO annoyed if DH just dropped hints about what he wanted instead of just telling me.
"Oh, well, geez. I really like video games. There are some new cool ones out right now" means absolutely nothing to me. But "Assassin's Creed 3 just came out. I really want to get it at some point" tells me exactly what game it is that he wants.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My DH said to me last weekend, pick what you want to do for your Valentines present. I thought it was sweet because he's saying, go ahead and pick something just for you. So we went to Color Me Mine and painted pottery. Not his thing, no, but he did it for me. That to me is what's important.
You also need to communicate with guys. When we started dating, I told DH you don't have to buy me anything but I want to at least do something together. It doesn't even have to be actually ON valentines day. And he does that. If you want your husband to plan, then just tell him.
Here is what to do next year, about a month before V Day:
Give him a "wish list" and let him take it from there. Put maybe 10 items on it; give your list some thought during the entire year.:) "Write 'em down as you think of them."
"I don't know" can leave the door open for nothing at all. You need to be a bit more proactive on this.
Maybe you want something practical, maybe you want a fancy dinner, maybe you're eyeing some article of clothing that you'd love to have. Take it from there.
It really opened my eyes and made me realize it's not "a guy thing", but that I sometimes may have expectations that may be unrealistic because he doesn't think the way I think. Everybody is different and that's okay!
And like PPs mentioned: forget dropping hints, just be open and honest. Nobody's a mind reader and he's not going to know how you truly feel unless you tell him. No harm in that!