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Porn/Sex Addicted Husband
I really need some advice! I?ve been with my husband for almost 12 years and married for 6. We have always had our issues, one of them being porn. I always thought it was excessive and we fought over it pretty badly. I finally decided no big deal, guys look at porn. I spend countless hours searching for his stash. Then I come home one day to find his ?fake? e-mail account open with some very sexual stories. He was e-mailing women sexual fantasies, actual met up with a woman from online, and tried to be someone else to get pictures from my younger sister. We went to marriage counseling found church and it seemed like he changed. So, we stay together and things were great. We had a child together and he is one now. Three weeks ago he got fired from his job for looking at porn. He chatted, e-mailed with another fake account and even had a fake Google Number. I was livid that he put our family in jeopardy like that. Found out that he has a legitimate porn/sex addiction.
He has a counselor at our church, attends a purity group weekly and a 12 step group weekly and has a sponsor. He has been reading the bible, praying, reaching out to others for resources etc. His whole attitude has changed. He treated me like dirt for years and it was all because of this addiction. I guess when you have an addiction like that the person lashes out etc. So, he is going down the right path to change and keeps me updated on his progress.
I decided it was too risky with my one year old to bank on him changing. What if he doesn?t change and then four years down the road he messes up?with the next step sleeping with other women in person?and then I get a disease, or my child is affected, or we have to get divorced then when my child is old enough to know what?s going on. Addiction runs in the family as so does aggression.
I told him I wanted a divorce. He wants to do a legal separation for six months with him moving out. Divorce vs. Separation? Part of me says I?ve had enough and the other says if there is a chance to work it out I owe it to my baby to do so. I?m torn?can I ever trust him again? What?s best for my son?
Re: Porn/Sex Addicted Husband
While it's great that he's getting help now, it really sounds like there's been a lot of damage done to your relationship and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
He's met up with a woman in person, he's tried to get pictures from your sister... You say that the first time you went to counseling it "seemed" like he changed, when, actually, he started looking at porn at work & created more fake accounts. I think you two should separate while he's in therapy, and I don't mean the counselor at your church. I'm all for getting involved at church, but I don't believe that the counselor would be equipped to handle the depth of your H's problems. He needs a therapist who specializes in sexual addictions & he needs to attend regularly. YOU also need a therapist for yourself.
If after the two of you have been in therapy for 6 months, you can re-evaluate your relationship. If you still want a divorce you can get one. In therapy, you will be able to answer the questions you have about trust & love, get yourself prepared for what you'll be facing with your son, and hopefully have some peace.
This is hard to go through I feel so bad for you. My husband use to have an issue with porn before we were married. But with it being against our faith he really has worked hard to get it together and has done well since we have been married. He meets with an older guy from our church for mentoring on being a good husband and some day father. He also gets accountability from this man but it means being willing to be open and honest.
Also try www.xxxchurch.com they have a ton of tips, statistics, and programs on there as well as a software you can download. The softwear alerts 3 people of his choosing whenever he goes on any porn sites. This is something he will have to be willing to do but it is free and it really makes them think about what they are doing when they know someone else is watching its great accountability.
Good luck I a praying for you marriage and family.
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
I really need some advice! I?ve been with my husband for almost 12 years and married for 6. We have always had our issues, one of them being porn.
You knew about this before you married him?
Then if you didn't like his porn habit, you should have found a guy who was on the same page as you with porn. Not every guy is into porn.
As you can see, his problem did not go away.
I always thought it was excessive and we fought over it pretty badly. I finally decided no big deal, guys look at porn.
Instead of either saying goodbye over it or getting counseling together, you ignored the elephant in the room and looked the other way. Great.
I spend countless hours searching for his stash. Then I come home one day to find his ?fake? e-mail account open with some very sexual stories. He was e-mailing women sexual fantasies, actual met up with a woman from online, and tried to be someone else to get pictures from my younger sister.
This is no longer a porn issie.
This is now an emotional affair issue and UGH...wow --- how old is your SISTER???
If this is a minor, he can get into some huge trouble -- and you should have reported him to the authorities if your sister was under age.
This guy needs counseling and badly...and just for the sister issue alone, you need to leave him stat.
We went to marriage counseling found church and it seemed like he changed. So, we stay together and things were great.
Nope...and these "churches" are full of people with unresolved issues.
We had a child together and he is one now. Three weeks ago he got fired from his job for looking at porn.
Having a kid with him? not wise. And as you can see, his porn problem got him in trouble: he got fired.
He chatted, e-mailed with another fake account and even had a fake Google Number. I was livid that he put our family in jeopardy like that. Found out that he has a legitimate porn/sex addiction.
He has a counselor at our church, attends a purity group weekly and a 12 step group weekly and has a sponsor. He has been reading the bible, praying, reaching out to others for resources etc.
Let's see how long this holds up.
His whole attitude has changed. He treated me like dirt for years and it was all because of this addiction. I guess when you have an addiction like that the person lashes out etc. So, he is going down the right path to change and keeps me updated on his progress.
where is your counseling in the midst of this??? And you have no assurance he is not watching porn. The trust is gone; you never know.
I decided it was too risky with my one year old to bank on him changing. What if he doesn?t change and then four years down the road he messes up?with the next step sleeping with other women in person?and then I get a disease, or my child is affected, or we have to get divorced then when my child is old enough to know what?s going on. Addiction runs in the family as so does aggression.
All the more reason why ne needs to avoid addictive tendencies.
I told him I wanted a divorce. He wants to do a legal separation for six months with him moving out. Divorce vs. Separation? Part of me says I?ve had enough and the other says if there is a chance to work it out I owe it to my baby to do so. I?m torn?can I ever trust him again? What?s best for my son?
What's best for you: get rid of him. this is beyond repair.If this is a minor, the police need to be informed. Who knows how many other minor children he's enticed and tried to get naked photos of???
I can't see how you even pursued a relationshp with this guy if you did not like the fact that he liked porn.
Dude, I mean come on. He wanted naked pictures of your little sister. How old was she when this happened ? There is no turning back from that.
Have you been checked for STDs yet ?
This. I really doubt going to Church is going to fix this sort of screwed up.
This is not a porn issue, or IMO even an addiction issue. This is a 'you married a liar and a cheater' issue. Talking to real women =/= porn. Stalking your SISTER =/= porn.
DTMFA. And maybe file a protection order.
I am so sorry that you've been through all of this. Obviously it's been incredibly hard for you.
I'm glad that your husband is seeking help. That says a lot right there--he's trying. But trust isn't going to come overnight. He needs to prove to you that he has changed.
God can work miracles. He can convict sin and change lives. He can heal what is broken. If your husband is genuinely convicted and committed to change, he will need your support. That doesn't mean you just pretend like nothing happened, but it means that you at least give him a chance and encourage him. Honestly, I encourage you to re-think divorce. A separation would be a better place to start. Make him work for your trust. Make him prove it. You could go to some of his counseling sessions with him so that you can see his progress. Check into some counseling for yourself as well. I'm sure that the church could point you in the right direction towards someone who can help.
Above all, remember--God is redemptive and merciful, and he loves you both. He isn't blind to what you've suffered. This was NOT his plan for your marriage. Give him the chance to heal you.
Check out this website. This couple has an incredible story. http://refineus.org/
I truly hope that your situation turns out well. It might not be easy, but you can survive this. Life will get better.
Yikes! I know right?! What am I thinking. I guess for my child's sake...I thought about a separation. I'm just so scared he will keep on doing it and then my child would be really effected. I thought I was just overeacting to the porn thing. Then when he cheated on me and the sister thing...that was four years ago. I thought he changed and I trusted him...kind of. Stupid me. He really seems like he is getting his crap together now, but I think the damage has been done. I just want whats best for my boy, I'd do anything for him. I just don't think I can look at the husband the same way again.
Part of me thinks "what if we can make this work and live happily ever after" the other part of me says "girl he has fooled you more than once and you need to run and keep your son safe so he doesn't get screwed up".
Thank you for your help!
wow you are so incredibly rude. You are not helping the situtation whatsoever. Instead you are making her feel bad about past decisions that were a long time ago. I can't believe that you actually broke down what she wrote and criticized everything. Plus it's extremely offensive that you actually put quotations around "churches" as if going to your church for help is like some kind of joke.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Um, note that OP found it helpful.
I agree!
AshNickels,
I feel your pain as I live in a very similar situation. My husband is a sex addict and our history together is sordid at best. I am in negotiations with myself as to where my future lies. My husband and I have been together for 19 years, married for 11. Porn, affairs, lies, deception, etc. is part of the territory with a sex addict. I strongly believe that I have not waivered in my committment to my husband and our marriage, but a person can only tolerate so much. We go to counseling, he goes to Sex Addicts Anonymous, yet his problem is deeply rooted in who he is. He has good stretches, but in the back of my mind I know it will come to an end and he will falter. He has yet to prove my intuition wrong with this. I have stayed to this point because there are parts of my husband that I fall in love with over and over again. He CAN be wonderful and our marriage CAN be very fulfilling. Unfortunately, the dark times have overshadowed so much of the wonderful that used to keep me going. Each person must decide what her limitations. Knowing and setting those limitations provides some logic in an otherwise seemingly illogical situation. Ask yourself, "How much am I willing to give and invest in a relationship that may never be healthy for me?" Best of luck to you and may you find some peace.
Imagine that there are two men. One does all this ridiculous bullsh*t, then changes and treats you like a queen while you work to try to trust him. The other just treats you like a queen all along, and you don't have to work to trust him because he's obviously trustworthy. Which one do you think is more worthwhile as a partner for you?
If you're sane, you picked the second one. And the good news is, there are millions of the second one waiting for both of you to dump your worthless husbands and become available.
If that's a minor, she needs to tell the police. God only knows who else he might have victimized, along with the sis.
He treated you like dirt because he's a scumbag. Nothing at all to do with the addiction he allegedly has.
(And why is it always the fundie ones who seem to have the porn addictions? Funny, eh?)
I am truly sorry for the pain that you have experienced and see that you want an unbiased opinion by requesting feedback from this blog; however the problem(s) that you have explained to us requires a lot of professional help and yes help from church. But I think at the end of the day - you know what actions need to be taken to ensure safety and the best for your child. I dare not judge because your husband has a problem that is and will put you and your child at risk. You as a responsible mother must make a responsible decision for the wellbeing and or sake of your child as well as yourself.
Amen. I used to be an active poster on TB and just started a new account, hence the low post count.
Anyway, your H sounds like my ExH. To a T. Met women online. Had sex with them. Exchanged drugs for sex. Had profiles on various porn sites with information and naked pictures of himself.
Divorce.
I have a child who is 4. You'll be fine. Your child will be fine.
Divorce.
My ExH also did the therapy/bible/church thing. Treated me like sh*t our entire marriage.
Divorce him. Don't look back.