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Feeling down all the time (Long)
My husband and I have been married for 3 and a half years. I love him with all my heart. When we got married, he was the happiest person and could make me laugh even if I was originally in a bad mood. He was easy-going and loved life.
The past year has been rough for us. He was a substitute teacher (lost his full time teaching position due to cut backs) and decided to make a job change to make more money. It required him to travel and sell power equipment. Well, after being gone a month and selling nothing, and therefore, making nothing, he came home.
After that, in May of last year, he finally got a full time job. It doesn't pay well, but it was something and we have been in the process of saving to buy a house since. It's not a stressful job, but his boss can be rude and demeaning to my husband, but it's a job.
In December, DH got some food stuck in his esophagus. After 24 hours, we took him to the ER and he had to have an emergency endoscopy done. It cost us about 2 months worth of our savings to pay for it even with insurance. His doctor wants to perform another one to widen his esophagus in March. So, more bills.
On Valentine's Day we found out that my DH's company (the job he got in May) is losing a big account and if they are not able to find a new account to replace it, he might lose his job at the end of the summer.
I am trying really hard to be positive. I am so thankful for this job in the first place. We have no credit card debt or car payment (knock on wood), which is great. We don't have children, so although this job loss would put us back according to our "plan" to get a house and maybe start a family, it isn't like we have children with daycare costs or anything.
The problem is that my DH has changed this year and he recognizes it too. He is always irritable. I give him space and try to be supportive, but I feel like no matter what I do, he gets mad at me. For example, I said I would take a box out to his truck this morning to take to the apartment trash can. I was running late and didn't get a chance to do it. I tried to explain that to him, but he got mad. I asked him a question last night about something and he told me to look it up. The more I try to be a good wife, the worse I do and the more irritated he gets. He says he goes to work and has to do extra work to make up for the stuff that his coworker doesn't do, and then comes home to the same. I have gotten better keeping our apartment clean and keeping up with things and will tell him I will work harder, but he says it's always the same and that in a month we will be having the same discussion. He gets annoyed when I get upset or cry about it because I am frustrated with myself for letting him down, so now I try not to cry in front of him, and if I feel badly, I'll wait until later to cry in the bathroom where he won't see me.
IDK. Maybe it's just a chapter in the "book" of marriage, but it's tiring and I'm ready for another round of happiness. I'm sad for my husband who feels unsuccessful in everything he does. I'm sad because I know the man I married and I think he's the greatest, and wish others (employers) could see that bright side of him! I'm sad for my husband who sees everyone else moving forward with their lives and in his eyes, ours isn't. I'm sad for another plan that we have made that won't happen. I'm sad that I keep telling my husband that it'll be okay and then am proved a liar with a job loss, a broken plan, or health issues. I guess I am just ready for all our hard work to actually begin to pay off.
Re: Feeling down all the time (Long)
Thanks! I'm trying to let him know I am with him.
As for the being frustrated with him, I do sometimes get frustrated and I try to explain myself which he takes as me coming up with excuses. I try to let him know that I love him and I am supporting him. I'm hoping if things get lightened up a bit, I will have my "old" husband back.
I realize I said "For better or for worse" in my vows to him, so this is our worse. I'm looking for our better.
I agree that he should not be taking this out on you. The best advice I can give you is to talk to him about it. Try to find a day, perhaps the weekend (assuming he's off from work), when he's in better spirits and say "Hey, let's talk this out!" Make it a two-sided discussion. Ask him "What can I do to help? Do you need space? Would you rather me be more present to discuss what's going on? Would it help if I kept my eyes peeled for a new job for you?" But during this conversation you also need to communicate the toll it's taking on your marriage.
You really have to do your best to make it about "US" and the impact his situation is having on you collectively. Don't blast him and don't make it all about you. Communicate that you want what's best for him, you, and your relationship as a whole.
I think there are times where people need a swift kick in the a$$... I don't think that's how you want to approach this. Not just yet anyway! Clearly he's going through a rough time. Not that it excuses his behavior BUT you don't want to add insult to injury. If after a heartfelt conversation the situation doesn't progress, then tell him to knock it the f*ck off!
I know it doesn't help NOW, but bear in mind that this likely will get better over time. And once you're over this crappy hump, you will both come out the other end stronger. Best of luck to you both!
I'm sorry you are going through this. It is a very difficult phase in your marriage, but yes, it will pass
I'm in my late 50's, got married for the first time in August 2011, with 2 adult kids of my own, and my husband has 3 adult kids. We've seen it all. What you have described is (believe it or not), probably about #10 in a list of serious things that will arise in a list of things from #1 -#10. Perspective works wonders, but you don't have that and for you, now, this is horrible.
I am a firm believer in seeking out counseling when it seems the road is getting tough. Not so much to seek out answers from someone who can tell you what to do, but to learn coping and communication skills for how the two of you can work this out. Men and women handle emotional issues differently. Even with my experience in life, with various men from my past, dealing with my husband now after a 1 1/2 years of marriage, he's different than the other guys. But I know how to ask questions in a non-confrontational way and smooth daily irritations out. If you can't afford counseling with your health insurance, look into county or non-profit organizations in your area that may offer it on a sliding scale based on income. Many of these plans have been reduced due to the economy, but I'm sure they exist in most places.
It sucks that sometimes life throws you financial and emotional burdens that seem like mountains, or insurmountable. But it will pass. You will figure it out. These are life skills that have to be learned, and no one can teach you how. My son lives about 700 miles away and calls me for advice with his relationship with his girlfriend. I do the best I can to explain how to handle things, but honestly, I can't take away the life lessons he needs to learn. It's not logical, it's not book learning, it's life and life can be messy.
Good luck to you. I hope from the answers above, and the others I'm sure you will get, you can figure this out and when it's done, have the knowledge you did get through it, and found some life skills you didn't know you had.
I agree with the people above and I just wanted to add that Gary Chapman's books have helped me a lot. Maybe you don't know them so I add the link here.
I just want to encourage you that things always change and see it in a positive way. This difficult situation can be a way to strengthen your marriage. You can't change the situation now but you can change the way you see it. I know it is very difficult (I am working on it too!!) but you can do it.
And try to be as supportive as you can with your husband, I know when things go difficult at work, husbands want to feel that at home there's someone who respects, loves and takes care of them.
And if you believe in God, pray, you'll see that He answers. Just tell Him how you feel.
Wish you the best!