Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Married less than a week and I feel like everything is falling apart.
Hello all,
I'm new to this site, but desperately looking for advice. My fiance and I eloped on Valentines day. It was intimate and perfect in every way. We didn't take a honey moon (are planning to next weekend) but we did spend the next two days together without any other obligations. I thought the two days were wonderful. We slept in, snuggled, made pancakes for brunch. We were intimate the night of our wedding, and once each of the next two days. Then Sunday rolled around and everything was a mess. My husband is disappointed that we didn't have sex more than once each day. We had talked beforehand about how we weren't going to leave the bed the whole time. I thought we had a really nice couple of days and I was really hurt to find out he felt differently. He said that he thought we should take a break from sex. He said that he feels we've placed a lot of pressure on it. I agreed.
A little bit of background: I had a *very* traumatic experience last summer/fall. It involved a relationship with someone I was with as a teenager. He faced federal charges for child porn/attempting to use interstate commerce to entice a minor. While the charges weren't directly related to our relationship, it didn't stop the government from pulling me into it. They found evidence of our relationship while searching his home and used it. This evidence included very graphic photos of me. My mother was in the court room the whole time, she saw everything. My husband saw everything. My dad was in for parts of it. Not to mention a room full of complete strangers. It was absolutely humiliating. Even worst, my ex was sentenced to life in prison. Which despite everything, we had remained friends and I'm still in shock because of the outcome. My fiance and I had always had a VERY healthy happy sex life. We were usually intimate multiple times a day. Sometimes we'd spend entire Saturdays in bed. During/after the trial and sentencing hearing my libido took a nose dive.
My Husband is a very understanding man, but I know my low libido hurt. It got to the point where I felt so guilty for telling him I didn't want to have sex. So, I wouldn't. I would just do it, but in turn he felt like something was off and he started feeling guilty for initiating sex. We ended up in this awful cycle of me dreading him initiating, feeling guilty about wanting to say no, having sex with him, probably resenting him subconsciously, him recognizing this and feeling guilty for initiating/wanting to have sex and him feeling like something was wrong with him.
At first I respected him wanting to take a little break. I thought it would take off some of the pressure. Today we talked and ended up fighting about all of it. I realized the break really isn't going to help everything, just postpone the inevitable fight/discussion over it all. He told me that sometimes he'd wake up in the middle of the night and cry because of how bad he felt about our sex life. I knew there was tension, but I never knew it was this bad. I thought we had a healthy sex life. Despite some of the awkwardness, we still have sex almost every day. I realize now that quantity does not constitute a healthy sex life. How could he not tell me how bad it was? How could he marry me knowing this? I really don't know what to do. How can we make it better? I made an appointment with my obgyn next week so I can try switching birth controls, just in case that has any affect on my libido. I feel sick about all of this.
Any advice is welcomed/appreciated.
Re: Married less than a week and I feel like everything is falling apart.
That's a lot to deal with.
Honestly I think you guys need to see a counselor. That whole situation is just a mess and there's nothing wrong with getting an outside opinion on the best way to work through it all. Seeing your OB is also a good step. But really, I think at this point you guys need to learn to work though your feelings about a very complicated situation so that you can hopefully learn to communicate better and resolve the feelings stemming from that court case once and for all.
A few things.
First, the violation you feel as a result of the court case, is real and probably deep- running. While you shouldn't hide from it, you do need to process this in a healthy manner. Don't bottle it up, but do get into see an individual counselor or trusted religious leader who can help you sort this all out.
In a way I have had some similar experiences and I do know that the events that happen in our lives, even years before-hand, affect us today. But there is a difference between letting these memories control and dictate our current lives and just having some tough memories, which occasionally pop up.
It sounds like you are experiencing the former set of problems, even slightly.
Regarding your new husband, congrats! That sounds very romantic.
And, I do also agree with PPs that some couples counseling would be helpful. Honestly, sex changes throughout life. Its frequency, intensity, and other characteristics of it can be altered by life occurrances, health, jobs, stress, etc.
It sounds to me like your husband's primary love languages might be physical touch and quality time. If you haven't already, you should consider buying and reading the Five Love Languages. To summarize, each of us has one or two primary love languages. When we are "spoken to" in these means, is when we feel the most loved and cared for. What can make it challenging for couples is when the love languages between the two don't necessarily overlap. The languages are: Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, and Gift Giving. I think there is also a free online quiz you and he can each take to figure out your respective languages.
Another thing to do is to ask open ended questions of your husband. These questions, do not require a "yes or no" response, but rather a sentence or two. An example woudld be, "What are your expectations for our intimate life?" Or, "What can I do to make you feel connected to me?" "What are your thoughts about our sex life changing over time?"
In addition, you can help your situation by owning your emotional statements and comments. An example of this is, "When you said/did XYZ, it made me feel/think ABC." Saying this instead of "You don't get it!" Or, "You don't understand!" Will get you a lot further discussion-wise and will not put your husband on the defensive.
I hope this helps. Marriage is tough sometimes. But, it's also an exciting adventure. In a way, facing some difficulty at the onset isn't a bad thing, but might be a blessing in disguise. Making it through here, learning successful dialogue techniques, and learning about one another can only strengthen you two for the road ahead.
Right on.
What you are feeling seems normal to me after what you went through. You are also a victim of your ex and this is part of the fall out. You and your H are both feeling guilt and that is also normal. Getting into counseling both of you can heal.
Thanks for all of your responses. I saw a counselor during the investigations, through out the trial/sentencing, and for a few months afterward. It reached a point where the therapy was keeping me from moving on. It's hard to move on from something when you meet with someone weekly and bring it all up again. I and my counselor felt I was in a good place and stopped therapy. I did make an appointment for myself for next week. My husband is also open to counselling :-)
MommyLiberty5013, Thank you for taking the time to write all of that. I really appreciate it. I'm, going to get a copy for us. I'm sure he'll want to read it too.
Well, she and her counselor thought she was in a place to proceed. I understand what she's saying. Sometimes after all the processing, self-reflection, and questions are out in the open there isn't anywhere to go except forward - leaving the past in the past. It's pretty great, actually that she has been mentally and emotionally healthy enough in this process to have that sort of progress.
She probably did all the crying she needed and wanted to do. Everybody is different. Sometimes all someone needs is a listening, unbiased, uninvolved ear. She might have gotten that in this counselor.
Just wanted to add, yes your husband needs to see someone too. He just watched the person he loves be publically violated. If you turn the tables and put yourself in his place, you can see how hard that would be for him. I'm sure he wanted to protect you and couldn't. Additionally, he is holding on to the weight of feeling like he is making you do something you may/may not want to do given the circumstances. You both need to work on moving to the next steps and that is your relationship and how you get the physical aspect back in a great place.
I wish you both the very best of luck. Congrats on your wedding and marriage!
Clearly from the OP, she wasn't in a healthy place to move on.
It's very possible that she got to a point where she'd dealt with the initial feelings and needed to step away for a while to move on with her life. But things will still linger that need to be dealt with eventually. Sometimes too much therapy does just encompass your life and taking a period of time away from it can be very helpful.
I do agree that a few months of therapy is unlikely to be enough to work through that type of trauma. But I don't think it's unreasonable to go to therapy for a while, feel you're handling things reasonably well enough to step away and then go back later.
As others have said, you can reach a point where the therapy isn't helping. The fact is, the trial happened and I can't change any of it. We spent a lot of time discussing the lack of control I felt in my life during it all and healthy ways to deal with it. We also discussed the trial/my history in depth. Scheduling an appointment to talk about it every week was too much, it was keeping me in that place and not allowing me to start to move on. Sometimes, everything that needs to be said has been said and the thing you really need is for time to pass.
I still talk about it when I need to with my Husband, my parents, or my friends. It's not all bottled up. Therapy helped me know I had to communicate with the people closest to me and let them be there for me.
I still have checkups with my counselor. I haven't discussed my current sex life with him yet. Honestly I didn't make the connection for a while. I knew at the time my libido was low, I didn't realize until more recently it never really came back. I guess because we were still having regular sex.
I feel like we're in a funk. I'm not thinking about trial related things as often anymore. I don't think that it's what's causing my low libido. I think that the cycle that began during it all, is what's ruining everything. We can't seem to pull ourselves out of it.
Counseling would help your H with the misconceptions he has about newlywed sex. Not every newlywed couple is having sex more than once a day; every couple is different and don't believe everything you hear or everything you read about newlyweds and their sex lives.
Wishing you luck. LEt us know what happens.
I am so very sorry that you and your husband are going through this. The pp's have given you terrific advice.
Why were the pictures of you shown in open court? If you don't mind the question.
Chiualover: I was a minor in the photos. They prosecution used them to establish a pattern. He did it before, therefore he could/would do it again. She showed the pictures as often as she could. About a days worth of the trial was spent on my photos and other photos found on the computer. The jury each had a little screen in front of them that showed the pictures and the prosecutor, the defense, and judge had a screen. If you were sitting in the pews (or whatever you'd call them) you didn't have a screen, but could easily see the prosecutor/defense screens. Not to mention she described in explicit detail what was going on in them.
This week was incredibly emotional. We almost decided to postpone our honeymoon this weekend fearing it would be a disaster. Instead we took it and it was wonderful. We both feel like we're back on the same page and we hope it was a bit of a reset. I feel like we've managed to work through the initial part of everything. We still have work to do, but now I don't think we feel as hurt/confused as after the original argument. I'm meeting with my counselor this week, I'm sure that will help too.
Thanks for all of the advice/help. I'm feeling a lot better about things.
I'm glad you are feeling better. Hang in there.
You can always vent here.
Marriage counselling could be the answer to your dilemma right now. I have heard of marriages about to end in divorce which were saved after the couple agreed to religiously attend marriage counselling. When you are in a state where you are both aggreeable to saving the marriage believe me that whatever it is that you are going through - you will surpass it with your marriage, love and respect for eachother intact.
I wish you rekindle the warmth and love you shared. Consider marriage and spiritual counselling and be healed. Acceptance is just around the corner but you both have to decide to seek help from professionals. Don't wait for time to heal the wounds because time cannot guarantee that you will still feel the same intensity of love for eachother. Don't delay for marriage is always worth trying and worth saving. It is always a work in progress.