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weird MIL situation (long)
So my Mom is throwing me a baby shower at her house which is 2 hrs away to accommodate my relatives and friends from home. I guess she's gonna do something down here for me too because my sister offered, but realistically sis is too much of a hot mess and has no money. Anyway, here's the weird sitch that I don't know how to handle. I need some outside opinions/thoughts/perspectives.
My Mom called my MIL to reach out to her about the impending grandbabies and to ask her about the date she was looking at for the shower. She wanted to extend the invitation to her and anyone that MIL wanted her to invite. MIL & Mom are 2 hours from each other and Mom made it clear she was hosting, but wanted her to feel included. Mom knew MIL had offered to host a shower for me in DH's hometown (4 1/2 hours from here) and that my DH told her thank you, but it would be a lot for me to travel so far into my pregnancy and to sit in a car for that long at a time. Not to mention, being multiples, we really don't want to be that far from our hospital. No date was mentioned, but Easter weekend we declined as well (they expected us to visit) as I'd be 6 months. FIL is getting radiation for colon cancer and is doing some radioactive seeds, so I'm not even allowed to be around him for the month of April, possibly into early May. Regarding her offer of a shower, DH and I felt it's was gift grabby - it would essentially be a shower for MIL's friends. She threw me a bridal shower and it was super uncomfortable. I knew next to no one and even though now I've met some of these people at the shower/wedding, I still feel very weird about it.
So MIL declined the offer of having anyone invited, which I can understand, but did ask that DH's Aunt is invited. I actually adore her and we're close, so of course that made sense. Then MIL goes to on to tell my Mom that she was thinking of hosting her own shower although she knows we can't be there. She asked my Mom's opinion and my Mom didn't say it was good or bad, but said something along the lines of "Wow, that's so nice...they'd get gifts and wouldn't even be there!" So my Mom just joked and said I should go along with it.
Ok, first off, this is really off to me. Why would people attend a shower in my honor and I'm not there. Who would open the gifts? (I can TOTALLY see my MIL doing this). And really, it feels about her and not me. I feel like it's ridiculous and nutty. And would make me feel so uncomfortable.
Mom defended her just because she's like, it's her first grandchildren... she's so excited... and she's been going to showers for her friends kids for years upon years now and I can see where she's coming from. But I can't wrap my brain around how a baby shower without me there (or DH!) would be even remotely appropriate.
If you don't know my background about my MIL, she has an extreme attachment to her children, has emotional issues, and while a very kind and generous person is like the MIL who would move in with you tomorrow should she be invited. She is just too much and I butt heads with her because she's nutso a lot of the time. She's the kind of person who tries to read Polar Express to her 35 year old son on xmas eve night, "Like they used to do." Or there's the time she insisted on sitting next my DH at our rehearsal dinner and rubbed his back the whole time. 
Luckily, DH has realized the weirdness over the years and has distanced himself and placed a lot of boundaries, but it still causes drama on a regular basis.
HELP! Obviously I have issues with her to begin with and am trying to look from an outside perspective, but I need some true outside perspective. We don't know what to say when this topic comes up. DH is SUPER against it.
TIA!!
Re: weird MIL situation (long)
My little nuggets
Totally weird!
how about her hosting a post baby shower once the monsters are born? Or is that opening a whole other can of worms since traveling with newborn twins would probably be a nightmare lol
Jonathan Dean 4.5.08
Anna Capri 5.4.11
Personally, I would have my husband call his mom and thank her for the offer, but let her know you are going to politely decline this shower you are unable to attend. You appreciate her kind thoughts, but you would feel terrible accepting gifts from people whom you don't have the pleasure of knowing.
It hasn't been discussed but I'm sure I'll have two showers, one in CT (~4 hours away) and one here. The major difference though is 1) I'm not having twins and 2) my family are the ones in CT so I'm more happy to travel to see them than I'd be to see the "in-law" side of the family. The whole idea of a shower being thrown without you there is just weird! I'm really not sure what to tell you but I hope you'll keep us posted on how this all unfolds.
PS - Your MIL sounds like my step-siblings mother. I swear her relationship with her son is borderline incestuous. It's totally creepy.
This is a great idea.
WORD!
My little nuggets
Ok some clarifications:
I'm already having 2 showers hosted by my mother - one in Poconos for local family/friends and one in Philly for Philly friends.
This would be a 3rd shower in Central PA - 4 1/2 hours from Philly. This would be hosted by MIL and we would not attend.
Mom offered to invite Central PA peeps to the Poconos since it's only 2 hours, but MIL declined the offer.
Honestly, I'm floored by the generosity of my Mother and MIL, but a shower by MIL in general makes me uncomfortable because I barely know these people and one that I do not attend just feels tacky! And I really don't need 3 showers... that's just dumb.
Well, I did consider this. However, the only weekend DH could go is the weekend of May 18 because he works weekends and we have weddings coming up. The only other weekend in April he could go would be the 20th, but FIL is having that radioactive seed stuff and I don't know if he could be there and then come home to me. Plus I don't think they can have people in their house while this is going on.
I don't know if I feel comfortable having DH go there May 18th when I'd be 30 weeks. What if something happened while was gone? I know I'm being paranoid, but I'm trying to be realistic.
There's no way in he!l I'd let him go in June. No way, no how! Way too close to induction (July 16 if I don't go before then).
totally odd. my mil is one of those types who would totally host herself a grandmother shower to be given gifts, because she is like that. haha.
i would say sending husband is good one. and i kind of see your mom's reasoning, that your mil has bought gifts for a million people and wants that returned.
+3
This would be the most I would possibly do.
Otherwise I would have DH tell put the hammer down on that. No. No No No No. Next thing you know she'll want to throw her own celebrations of all YOUR family milestones.
GAHHH dupe.
Let me just add that I don't think she's throwing the shower for you, she's throwing it for herself.
Eh, is it really gonna hurt for her to throw the party? Big picture here, you're having 2 kids and getting the stuff is nice. She's also a grandmom to be and is excited, and she wants to do something nice. Even if you don't know the people it's ok - I didn't know a lot of people at my wedding or shower very well but apparently that's what my in laws family does. If they want to come to a party and bring gifts they will. If they don't they won't, kwim?
Be gracious, say thanks and send your dh on one of the rare weekends that works. It will keep the peace, she'll stfu about it and you'll get gifts you could use.
I agree it's a little odd and out of the ordinary but it's probably not the hill to die on at this point.
Eta I had 4 showers - 1 that was for my husband so I'm coming from that perspective, btw.
Ha, I missed this before! Yes. There's more, but not the place on the internets and I can't even deal, so I just try to distance us yet try to keep the peace.
Personally, I wouldn't want DH to go alone. But I know it's the right thing to do. But May 18 is just too late and the only wknd even possible if she asked for a wknd. Plus, I need DH to do nesting/nursery things and we have no wknds to do that stuff. I know I'm sounding difficult (which I am - I totally admit) but I can now see from the perspective that this is important to her. So thank you. I'm just frustrated that it's important for stroking her ego and about the attention on her, not anything about me or what we want. I think it would be lovely for a few of them (or all) to carpool and come to my Mom's shower since she graciously offered, but again, it doesn't put her in the spotlight so I know that's why she declined. (See note - they have declined every holiday my parents invited them to for the past 8 years - and never invite my parents to theirs. It's because she wants her son all to herself. There's oodles of jealousy issues that go as far as involving my dog. It's crazycakes).
I think Jamiedoll is right. We probably won't have a say anyway. Either that or it will cause a huge riff.
I think a shower without you there (unless it was for a medical reason like bedrest) is just weird. What if you offer meet the babies picnic in the spring? You can go visit she can have her party and DH doesn't have to go alone.
My mil isn't quite this crazy but ivs had to put up major boundaries over the years. I pray I'm not that crazy when DS is older.
I triple dog dare you to post this on the baby shower board. They'd have a field day with your mil!!
I agree with this. Based on your other posts about her...it seems like this is just the kind of attention she feels she deserves and g-mom to be.
If she insists on this "shower" without you being there and your H can't go either...than have her call it a g-mom lunch and don't accept gifts. That way she can indulge in some narcissism but you don't have to be involved.
I don't think your MIL hosting a shower is gift grabby. Even though my parents are only an hour away from my in laws, both sides hosted their own bridal/ baby showers (which eneded up only being about a year apart from each other... oops). My hubs is an only child and my MIL loooooves to host parties, so I don't see wanting to host her own as strange.
I do ,however, find it odd that she would want to host it without either of you there. Can you do it earlier in the year? Say the end of March or beginning of April before FIL becomes radioactive?
I'm with LD on this one. It's definitely odd if you can't be there, but I don't really see the harm. And to clarify, I don't think it's weird for her to throw you a shower (even if you don't know many of the people) -- just the fact that she'd do it without you or DH.
I don't see this being worth the argument. Let her do what she wants, and graciously accept the gifts.
I agree that a shower without a guest of honor is odd. I'd send DH in may and cross your fingers for no babies--even for multiples 30 weeks seems quite early to me and a 4 hour emergency drive home would likely be doable for DH if it came to that. MIL would probably be over the moon to host a party showing off her beloved son and her soon to be grandmom-dom.
You could also attend via Skype and then conveniently have Internet problems ;p