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Tough first year, excitement wavering...
Hi Nesters,
My husband and I have been married almost a year, and I feel like we are stuck in the mud, so to say. Now granted, I am a planner, and therefore often more impatient than he is, I feel like we don't have anything to look forward to, nothing really "going on." I used to look forward to our future (e.g., travel, house, kids). Before we got married, we talked about those things in an excited way. I couldn't wait to start our journey, build a life, and start a family!
Shortly after we got married, my husband sort of had this freak-out about the money it takes to support a family, whether he'd make a good dad, whether our kids would be brats (his nephews aren't really disciplined/are wild), etc.?so much so, that he started questioning our timeline for having children. It was devastating to me emotionally, but it was also a learning experience that we had bigger communication issues we needed to work on. We've since worked it out (with a lot of work/love) in marital counseling.
Our first year has been, well, what everyone told us it would be?hard. We didn't live together long before marriage, so there was definitely conflict that stemmed from adjustments to our differences in spending, household chores, alone time, etc. While we've thankfully worked those differences out, started the house hunting process, and have even set a date to TTC. But it was so hard and so emotionally draining even getting here (women communicate better = I did most the heavy lifting in getting us here), that my excitement for our future feels ruined before it's even been started.
I'm really trying to stay positive and count my blessings, but his brother and sister-in-law make it tough. They've been married about 3 years, but in the almost-year since we got married, they've started building a log-cabin vacation home, bought a new car, bought a new house, and had a baby. The last of which was very hard for me emotionally because I truly wanted to be excited for them, but all I could keep thinking was how it basically took therapy to get my husband to feel confident about kids again and the TTC timeline "talk" afterwards felt like a borderline business deal. And then I just felt bad/selfish for NOT being excited for them. I know it's better we worked these things out sooner rather than later, but talk about depressing "first year" memories to look back on.
Has anyone else had a tough first year? If so, how has it affected your excitement for the years to come? Some encouragement from couples who've been through challenges and who still had happy homes/pregnancies would be really uplifting to hear about right now. I'm really hoping this hard work was worth it and will mean our future will that much more rewarding, but I'm finding it hard not to feel depressed, like we failed at our first year or something.
Re: Tough first year, excitement wavering...
You don't know what anyone's relationship is really like so stop looking at it from the outside and comparing. I'd venture to say far too many couples live in a marriage that is not filled with good communication, mutual respect and loving the other person above your own selfish wants. If you have been able to establish that foundation then you are in a wonderful place.
What you have gone through is an adjustment not hard times, sorry but hard times are much worse and being able to count on the other in those times is more valuable then you realize. You can't sustain constant life events and jittery excitement, its not realistic. If you are bored then you need to find some activities alone and together. Depressed, then maybe consider continuing to speak with someone in order to manage expectations.
Our first year was an adjustment, esp since DH was stationed overseas during our engagement. We figured things out during that year about our selves and each other. That isn't a hard time. Hard times were watching DH hold our stillborn son, make funeral arrangements and leaning on each other to keep it together for DS. That is when you find out what your marriage is made of and what it can withstand. Then going through massive medical testing only to find out your both perfectly healthy and loosing 2 more pregnancies in the second trimester for no known reason. Accepting that there isn't going to be a pregnancy with a happy ending for us and move forward not just okay with it but stronger.
My point is taking the time now to make your marriage strong won't be rewarding when things are good, that's when you take things for granted. When you are in the midst of an unimaginable situation you will see the rewards a good relationship brings. You'll realize how wonderful the person is you married and be thankful for everything you have even if it isn't how or what you expected.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
First - stop comparing your relationship to your ILs. You have NO CLUE what they went through their first 3 years or marriage and whether or not they had the same issues as you. Not to mention, the dynamics of someone else's relationship has zero bearing on your own. It's really a moot point.
Why in the world do you feel like you failed? Are you crazy? Earth to btoledo - you got through it! You worked through issues. You learned something. How is that anything but a success story? If you hit a rough patch and threw in the towel I'd say "Yep, you're right, you failed, you suck at marriage!" But that didn't happen. Christ - Give yourselves a f*cking pat on the back!
I can't say I've experienced the exact same things in the 6 months I've been married (plus we lived together 5 years before marriage so it was kind of "same old" stuff to us). But there have been challenges. There will ALWAYS be challenges. A marriage, just like any relationship, is a work in progress. It always will be. It's never going to be "just right." What makes a marriage work is basically what you did! Identify the issue (or have your husband freak the f*ck out, you know, whatever), discuss the issue, communicate, seek counseling if necssary, etc.
I say you're off to a fine start!
DH and I dated for 6 months long distance, were engaged for 6 months, also long distance, and now have been married coming up on 7 years. We didn't live together prior to marriage. We have two kids and one on the way. DH travels a ton.
Our first year was rough...we each had different expectations of our sex life, we each had different ways of communicating, and I had uprooted my life back East to move out West with him. I left a job, friends, my choir, and my church behind. I did it happily, but it was still hard making a new life in a foreign place.
I think many of us come to marriage thinking it's somehow going to make life instantly better and more sparkly in some way....making us think, "I have finally arrived!" It's just not like that..."NOW life can begin!" Life is what happens in the daily grind - in the trenches.
What you have faced is common. But give yourself a HUGE kuddos! You have had success! And the skills you have learned can only benefit you in years to come.
Comparison is hard. But do your best to avoid it. Instead of looking at what you don't have, look at what you do. Plus, I guarantee you that the other families have their own share of problems that they hide away from the world. For all you know, they could look at you and envy an aspect of your situation. Set YOUR eye on YOUR prize and no one else's!
And ignore the PPs post. Seriously...I've read her stuff before...it's never helpful, constructive, or kind.
I DO think your marriage will be fine. Be patient. I'm not sure if it's still on TV because we cut our cable, but I used to watch that Design Star show with Tim Gunn. He always said, "Make it work." That's kind of become a little reminder I have for myself when I'm in life's trenches and things seem rough.
You cannot control the storm or the size of the waves, but you can control the size of your boat and who's in it with you! Build a strong boat and stick with your mate!
Okay - that's a bit cheesy, but you get my point.
What's the big hurry? We've been married 7 years, only just purchased our first house and our first car together in the last few months, and haven't set a firm date to TTC yet. DH and I have been enjoying each other, so this doesn't bother me. Are we behind? I didn't realize it was a race...
What did you expect marriage to be? Communication issues, how much space you need, how you spend etc should all be understood and thought out before you ever take a vow to live in the same space until you die. Its terribly unfair of you to compare the person you swore to respect and love and support to other people.
Also just as a side note, my sweetie's ex was a "planner". when they were dating, she was planning on getting engaged. engaged, planning a wedding. married.....oh wait, there's nothing to plan for, its just normal life. She couldn't hack it, freaked out, and left him. There is no supporting the one you love in constantly needing a new goal. A life together isn't a goal, its a journey. If you can't stop and appreciate what you have, or who you have, and you only see what you dont have or what you can't have right this second without putting in the hours and the hard work and the support needed to accomplish those goals, you will sabotage your own life.
I'm not going to go into the details (we'd be here all night) but our first year was basically the most turbulent year of my adult life. I had a death in the family, a psychotic ex that broke into and trashed my house, left a job for a better job only to have that company dissolve a month later, hospital visits, and of course all the financial insanity that goes along with that stuff. It was also the most beautiful year, because my sweety has given me absolutely nothing but unfailing love and support. Even if it was just letting me cry because I was so frustrated and fed up, to just trying to make me laugh (even if it didnt work), or just taking care groceries because I couldn't afford them that week. Without a single word of complaint or resentment or comparison. In return, I wrote him love notes, I made him little surprises, made sure he knew how appreciated he is. So if you want to know what gets you through a shitty year, its each other.
No, I couldnt afford a fancy new car or a log cabin. That isn't the point of marriage. Or adulthood. Its the ties we make or break. Its our time and what we choose to do with it. Because shitty things will ALWAYS happen. If you have someone to support and to support you, you're golden. That may sound like hallmark crap, but its a dose of reality if the biggest problem in your marriage is that you aren't excited anymore. The excitement is the moments you share together, inside jokes, laughter. not things, or status, or what YOU want. you are a family unit now, you have to remind yourself to act like one. Especially if you're talking kids.
Yes! Our first year was so hard. I can't say that enough. It was SO damn hard. My husbands mother died a couple of months before the wedding and then he lost his job. I ended up having to pay for the wedding myself and the year after that point was so incredibly rough. The stress of trying to pay bills on just my salary was almost paralyzing. We had JUST signed a contract on a condo that was more than I could handle on my own. This created a lot of resentment against him. He was unemployed for over a year. Our entire first year, actually. When you put ALL OF THAT on top of normal marriage issues in the first year, such as combining finances, adjusting to being a new little family, planning your future, etc...we felt so hopeless. We knew we loved each other so much, but we never imagined we would be so frustrated in our new life together. Communication was something that he forced on me. I'm the type to hide in a room alone and process everything, then try and just forget about it. If it wasn't for his aggressiveness to communicate, we wouldn't be together today. He finally gave me the ultimatum to sit and figure something out or we wouldn't make it. We talked for three days straight about how to make each other happy at THAT moment, because in a marriage, your aspirations are always changing. He desperately wanted help finding a job, he felt emasculated that he hadn't done it on his own and embarrassed that he had to ask for help. And all I really wanted was to be appreciated for working so damn hard and still racking up a shitload of debt, but managing to keep a roof over our head.
We didn't celebrate a single holiday that year with gifts, we barely ever had a full fridge, everyone around us was buying houses, getting married, having babies. It was really hard. We're in our third year, just had our first baby, and we're so incredibly happy that I could cry. It's still hard. We're still making sacrifices every single day to pay off that first years hardships. We still work very hard to communicate, especially when we don't want too.
A marriage gives you what you put into it. It doesn't matter who you marry, you will fight, and you will have to work your ass off to make things work. This is also probably not the hardest year you will see. When you add kids, graduation, mid life crisis, etc to the mix, things get much more complicated. I know it's draining, but don't give up when it comes to asking him to communicate. I finally realized after 5 years of being with my husband all together that it was the one thing that was most important to him, so I adapted. Your husband can do.
Good luck.
There is a phrase in AA that sums a lot of this up:
"Dont judge your insides by someone else's outsides."
Wrong! Women communicate DIFFERENTLY than men. Just because you don't communicate the same way doesn't mean he isn't communicating.
I like that, and it is very true. You really never know what is going on behind closed doors. In fact, I just found out a couple is divorcing and I always thought they seemed so happy.
Everybody has crappy times. It always feels like the crappy time will last forever. Crappy times are even worse when you were expecting something awesome. You're not alone- you said yourself that everybody told you the first year is hard.
It's easy to feel like everybody is doing something exciting except for you... but you're a grown up with the ability to go do something exciting. Get some shorter term goals. Maybe that new house or car or baby are a long way off, but you can find something do-able that's closer. Maybe it's a vacation this summer, saving up for new furniture, a girls night out next weekend. Make plans to check something off your bucket list. Sounds to me like you need a hobby.
My H and I were never into timelines, better yet we've only been into our own timeline. We don't make comparisons and never cared about what/how/when others do whatever it is they're doing. Besides being happy for the life achievements of the ones we love, of course.
We're going on 17 years of love story, which means most of our lives happened as we were together, since we met young. We went through so much but never wasted any energy comparing our relationship to other people's. We've had passions, goals, achievements, plans etc of our own and dealt with all of them as the right time came to do so. We still have lots to achieve and even if many around us are doing X we are doing Z 'cause that's what makes us happy. Namely, no home, no kids yet
if that can be of any consolation.
There's no point in creating pressure where there shouldn't be any. Your planner nature doesn't need to trap you in a maze of expectations that don't go together with the sort of life and marriage you two have in this specific spot on the road you're on.
The way you talk about your marriage makes it sound like you got married just to check another "to do" off of your list of life accomplishments. Marriage is not about time lines, or doing more than other couples who are married...
Drop the expectations. My DH and I have been together 6 years total and married a year and a half. Our first year of marriage was the hardest year of our relationship. Death in the family, my health problems, buying a house (while exciting, EXTREMELY stressful).
You two have only been married a year. Take your time just the two of you to travel, put together a home, spend one on one time. You wont regret it.
(plus in my personal opinion, kids are awful
Just thought I would throw that out there..)
good luck.
I absolutely LOVE this quote... thanks for sharing!