Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
CNN Opinion Piece on Teachers/Parents
Parents of students are making teachers' jobs harder. The kids are just responding to the examples the parents set. The article...
"(CNN) -- This summer, I met a principal who was recently named as the administrator of the year in her state. She was loved and adored by all, but she told me she was leaving the profession.
I screamed, "You can't leave us," and she quite bluntly replied, "Look, if I get an offer to lead a school system of orphans, I will be all over it, but I just can't deal with parents anymore; they are killing us."
Unfortunately, this sentiment seems to be becoming more and more prevalent. Today, new teachers remain in our profession an average of just 4.5 years, and many of them list "issues with parents" as one of their reasons for throwing in the towel. Word is spreading, and the more negativity teachers receive from parents, the harder it becomes to recruit the best and the brightest out of colleges.
So, what can we do to stem the tide? What do teachers really need parents to understand?
For starters, we are educators, not nannies. We are educated professionals who work with kids every day and often see your child in a different light than you do. If we give you advice, don't fight it. Take it, and digest it in the same way you would consider advice from a doctor or lawyer. I have become used to some parents who just don't want to hear anything negative about their child, but sometimes if you're willing to take early warning advice to heart, it can help you head off an issue that could become much greater in the future.
Trust us. At times when I tell parents that their child has been a behavior problem, I can almost see the hairs rise on their backs. They are ready to fight and defend their child, and it is exhausting. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I tell a mom something her son did and she turns, looks at him and asks, "Is that true?" Well, of course it's true. I just told you. And please don't ask whether a classmate can confirm what happened or whether another teacher might have been present. It only demeans teachers and weakens the partnership between teacher and parent.
Please quit with all the excuses
Ron Clark
And if you really want to help your children be successful, stop making excuses for them. I was talking with a parent and her son about his summer reading assignments. He told me he hadn't started, and I let him know I was extremely disappointed because school starts in two weeks.
His mother chimed in and told me that it had been a horrible summer for them because of family issues they'd been through in July. I said I was so sorry, but I couldn't help but point out that the assignments were given in May. She quickly added that she was allowing her child some "fun time" during the summer before getting back to work in July and that it wasn't his fault the work wasn't complete.
Can you feel my pain?
Some parents will make excuses regardless of the situation, and they are raising children who will grow into adults who turn toward excuses and do not create a strong work ethic. If you don't want your child to end up 25 and jobless, sitting on your couch eating potato chips, then stop making excuses for why they aren't succeeding. Instead, focus on finding solutions.
Parents, be a partner instead of a prosecutor
And parents, you know, it's OK for your child to get in trouble sometimes. It builds character and teaches life lessons. As teachers, we are vexed by those parents who stand in the way of those lessons; we call them helicopter parents because they want to swoop in and save their child every time something goes wrong. If we give a child a 79 on a project, then that is what the child deserves. Don't set up a time to meet with me to negotiate extra credit for an 80. It's a 79, regardless of whether you think it should be a B+.
This one may be hard to accept, but you shouldn't assume that because your child makes straight A's that he/she is getting a good education. The truth is, a lot of times it's the bad teachers who give the easiest grades, because they know by giving good grades everyone will leave them alone. Parents will say, "My child has a great teacher! He made all A's this year!"
Wow. Come on now. In all honesty, it's usually the best teachers who are giving the lowest grades, because they are raising expectations. Yet, when your children receive low scores you want to complain and head to the principal's office.
Please, take a step back and get a good look at the landscape. Before you challenge those low grades you feel the teacher has "given" your child, you might need to realize your child "earned" those grades and that the teacher you are complaining about is actually the one that is providing the best education.
And please, be a partner instead of a prosecutor. I had a child cheat on a test, and his parents threatened to call a lawyer because I was labeling him a criminal. I know that sounds crazy, but principals all across the country are telling me that more and more lawyers are accompanying parents for school meetings dealing with their children.
Teachers walking on eggshells
I feel so sorry for administrators and teachers these days whose hands are completely tied. In many ways, we live in fear of what will happen next. We walk on eggshells in a watered-down education system where teachers lack the courage to be honest and speak their minds. If they make a slight mistake, it can become a major disaster.
My mom just told me a child at a local school wrote on his face with a permanent marker. The teacher tried to get it off with a wash cloth, and it left a red mark on the side of his face. The parent called the media, and the teacher lost her job. My mom, my very own mother, said, "Can you believe that woman did that?"
I felt hit in the gut. I honestly would have probably tried to get the mark off as well. To think that we might lose our jobs over something so minor is scary. Why would anyone want to enter our profession? If our teachers continue to feel threatened and scared, you will rob our schools of our best and handcuff our efforts to recruit tomorrow's outstanding educators.
Finally, deal with negative situations in a professional manner.
If your child said something happened in the classroom that concerns you, ask to meet with the teacher and approach the situation by saying, "I wanted to let you know something my child said took place in your class, because I know that children can exaggerate and that there are always two sides to every story. I was hoping you could shed some light for me." If you aren't happy with the result, then take your concerns to the principal, but above all else, never talk negatively about a teacher in front of your child. If he knows you don't respect her, he won't either, and that will lead to a whole host of new problems.
We know you love your children. We love them, too. We just ask -- and beg of you -- to trust us, support us and work with the system, not against it. We need you to have our backs, and we need you to give us the respect we deserve. Lift us up and make us feel appreciated, and we will work even harder to give your child the best education possible.
That's a teacher's promise, from me to you."
Re: CNN Opinion Piece on Teachers/Parents
I am not a teacher but I have noticed a big difference in the way people parent children over the past decade or so. When I see a parent walk in my work with a small child I cringe because most of the time if their child acts up and the parent does not discipline. They act too much like a friend to the child instead of a parent always siding with their child.
A little off the subject but I want to add that children should be able to be in a store or business without having to be occupied by a video game or phone (especially if they are over the age of four or five). Parents want to appease their children TOO much resulting in people not knowing how to socialize anymore. People are less friendly, ruder and entitled these days and I believe it's the fault of parents most of the time.
I feel horrible disciplining in public. DD acts much better when DH is around. Today at the library story time she was acting out several times. I kept thinking in my head "why did I bother coming today". She just has days like this because she is 2. But my last straw is when she takes my iPhone and drops it. I spanked her probably 3 times but keep in mind she has a diaper on and I wasn't going to town on her. It's the only way I can get her to behave. Also time outs is the only other way. But I can't help but think people think I"m a crazy mom when I do that in public
Edited - reading this article reminded me why I decided not to teach in the classroom even though I have a license to. The semester I student taught, I could see that my cooperating teacher would always be irritated by parents or administration. Those 2 things are the reason why teachers quit their job. Deal with all that crap and don't get a near high enough salary for that.
Why? I think we can all agree that teaching is a very hard job and it's truly a calling to deal with all the extraneous crap. There was a reason I went all the way through the student teaching block and then decided to leave the field.
I know this is a controversial topic but I feel strongly against using corporal punishment for children, especially a two year old. There are lots of good books out there (Positive Discipline is one) that offer good advice.
well I've tried reasoning with her and talking to her and it doesn't work. I was spanked as a kid and turned out fine. I also use positive reinforcement when she does something good.
She's 2, she can't really be reasoned with.
my point exactly....
don't think that i'm a huge spanker now. It's honestly my last resort. I do time outs first and they seem to be most effective with her. she is starting to hit me now and I don't put up with that. she was going thru a phase of not wanting to sit in shopping cards and just stand. That was not flying with me, so we did a few time outs and it got lots better. I'm not going to be her best friend and let her run all over me. I also give her choices on her meals. Lately she has gotten so picky and won't even eat dinner. It seems if I give her a choice she is more likely to eat it. she is always pushing the limit to see how much she can get away with.
Wouldn't spanking send mixed messages about hitting?
My DH wanted to spank. He made a comment about how he wouldn't tolerate if DS hit me and that he'd be spanked. I was just like...so you want to teach him it's not okay to hit by hitting him?
At this age, natural consequences can be pretty effective. I wouldn't sweat the not eating. I try to have 1 thing on the table that I know DS likes and if he even refuses that, then he just doesn't eat. He never lets himself starve.
Two year olds aren't capable of reasoning but they are great mimics. They will hit when frustrated if they see it from you. They see it as a natural response. They respond better to natural consequences as in taking away an immediate satisfaction.
Examples-
*Keep throwing phone, toy, etc...toy gets taken away.
*Refuse to eat choices of food...take plate away.
*Smack at mom...mom walks away and doesn't play.
*Refuses to sit in cart...go back and sit in car till calmed. (DS does this one and I say "Fine, we will go home then." He loves the store and says "No, I sit." Problem solved.
I honestly can be my child's friend and demand respect and discipline. Fear isn't an effective method and that is what spanking/swatting/tapping are.
I was rarely spanked as a child. Not because my mom didn't believe in it but she never really had to "resort" to it. She used consequences that solved the issue first.
I've been tempted to spank, I won't lie. But then I caught myself and realized it was out of frustration of the situation and that spanking was the lazy and reactionary acting out on my part.
I understand what you all are saying. Let me give you an example from today. I was making a business call and during that time she gets the cake knife out from the drawer which she has never done and goes around chasing our dog with it. While I pull it from her hand it cuts my finger and I have to go lock myself in the bathroom to finish the call. Literally this girl does this when she knows she is supposed to be good.
I have seen kids that think they can run all over their parents and their parents do nothing when that behavior is occurring. I'm not going to be one of their parents. I believe time out is a great thing as I need it myself sometimes. I also believe that a swat on the butt may be needed once in a great while
I knew I shouldn't have opened my mouth. these things are always of great debate.
I'm always open to suggestions on book. After I finish reading my finance book I will take a look at that one. I tried reading the happy toddler book, but as soon as I read the comparison of a toddler to a cave man I stopped.
I hated the Happy Toddler book also. It was awful.
Interesting discussion.
I have observed that every child, due to his/her personality is different, some melt away and cease poor behavior with the slightest angry look from a parent, others are more willful and defiant and require more deliberate forms of reprimand and punishment from parents.
I think it's up to the parent to decide and to know their child(ren).
I do not see spanking as the same as hitting. Hitting is done as a loss of control and out of emotion (anger/frustration, etc.). Spanking is done as a deliberate parenting choice.
If it's done correctly, it's in private (to not embarass the child) and immediately backed up with love and positive reinforcement.
DH and I do spank on occasion. Always on the behind with an open hand.
It is always done after several firm warnings and when the child is openly defiant of our authority (not if s/he is just being a kid, is tired, hungry, etc.).
After it's over we hug our child immediately and ask him why he was spanked. He always knows the reason, "Because I didn't listen to you about ____. or because I was naughty for _____."
He never leaves our sight without knowing we love him.
I WAS spanked, slapped, and pushed as a child by my mother out of anger and emotion. I know the significant difference.
This is what I meant by disciplining not spanking. Although, people who spank children mildly are not necessarily bad people. I've have just been noticing that many parents let their kids walk all over them and discipline in a soft, lame tone (not that they should scream). But many are not firm and consistent.
OMG, isn't this the truth. I can use a firm voice and say no to my kid and in turn she does more of the wrong behavior. It drives me nuts! We were at story time yesterday and I noticed a boy the same age as her sitting in his mom's lap the entire time. meanwhile, DD is trying to escape and do things she knows she is not supposed to do. I feel like I'm going insane at that moment. She is so much better behaved when DH is around. He can literally say her name in a strong way and she immediately stops doing it. I hate that she just doesn't listen to me.
It could just be her age. DS was the same way in music class. Just awful. When he turned 2 it was like a lightbulb went off. Now he's awesome. He has his moments because he's 2 but he's matured so much in just the last couple months. He didn't understand time-outs before he turned 2 but now he does.
One was really tough for us and I was exasperated a lot at him because he wouldn't just be calm and do what he had to do like the other kids would! I can't really think of anything I did differently besides make a better effort to display less frustration around him. I speak more calmly to him and am consistent when I do need to give time-outs. I try hard not to raise my voice or act in frustration. When I do (because I'm human and we all snap at times), I notice he responds a lot more poorly. I try to give him as much responsibility as I can (he holds the dust pan when I sweep, he helps clear the table, he helps me cook, etc). In the grocery store I give him some paper and ask him to read my shopping list to me (obviously he can't actually read it but he thinks he's helping). It really makes a difference with him.
Ack. Is The Nest embedding ads into our posts now? I've noticed it with MrsGK and a post of my on The Bump.
Ugh.
I don't see anything?
It's gone now. I must have been delusional.
it could be google. Google has a new thing called ad choices and it keeps what you look at online in its memory and then displays it randomly when on other sights. I've been looking up 5k runs and ads have been popping up at me all the time
I'm hoping so. We were doing tumbling class last fall and had to stop because she wouldn't follow direction like all the other kids her age and younger. I ended up spending the 1/2 hour class chasing after her because she thought she would just run instead. I actually took her out early of the last class because I was so tired and sweaty and upset. I don't need the extra workout. we are not paying for that. I hope we can start up again in the summer now that she is a little older.
I definitely would try it again. I almost didn't sign DS up for music again this time because he was so awful last time. I really thought he didn't enjoy it. But this time he's been so good at participating, following directions, interacting positively with the other kids, and actually really enjoying it so I'm so glad I kept him in it. Hopefully your LO will get better in the next few months, too.
-from the former AndrewBreitbart/JulieFe
I understand this article completely, but I don't see it in my school district. Parents of the kids who have behavior problems are pretty much m.i.a, which explains their children's behavior and lack of work ethic. All of my conferences this year have been ok because they're all kids that are ok academically and behaviorally---a few minor problems but nothing major.
I have seen a tendency among kids this year to just stop doing work. We have a stupid program where we're supposed to send children to do makeup work. I feel that it really enables them, so I've stopped doing it. I don't care if I get in trouble; we do the kids no favors when we teach them that they can get F's for 8 weeks and 2 days, then hand in a bunch of partially done crap and squeak by with a D. I have 8 F's of 60 right now, as opposed to zero F's when I went by the dumb "zeros aren't allowed" idea. It's really ridiculous.
I also see kids who want to destroy school property, mark up desks, write on themselves and others with marker, write in schoolbooks, etc. I would not go into teaching if I could go back in time. Most of the kids are nice, but the ones that aren't are truly horrible. Teaching right now is not good. I'm counting down the days (56).
Many of the problems in schools stem from the placement of all the badly behaved students in the same class. It's great if you're in the classes that are decent, but if you have the same schedule as the bad ones, you're stuck. That is what I have gone through for years. Right now I have 4 classes of great kids, 2 classes where every kid that you wouldn't want to be in the same class all shoved in there together. So dumb!!
I think a welcome back is in order???
I once had a friend tell me of one of her family members who taught and was fired. A student tried to get in her face and in an aggressive way, he rushed at her...in defense and as an automatic human physical response, she put her hands up in front of her body, arms extending slightly palms facing out, and the kid ran into her and stumbled backwards. She lost her job over this, being told she hit a student.
When I was in school, most kids I knew, myself included, had a healthy dose of fear/respect for the school authority figures like teachers and principals - even cafeteria monitors.
What's changed?
I think too many adults are trying to befriend kids and be buddies with them. For children to respect authority, they need to understand it first. Authority is not recognized in friendship relationships (where people are peers and there is a relatively balanced give and take) it comes from, quite honestly, subordinate/superior relationships. On the harsher end, it's why sending troubled youth into military type schools or the military itself, can help straighten many (not all) kids out. On the opposite end of the spectrum, it's why parents in many cases who don't treat the relationships with their children as friendships have an easier time managing their children. When a parent isn't concerned with the child "liking them" at the moment, parenting is a whole lot easier. It isn't about "like" or "not like," it's about what's right vs. wrong, and about doing what's best for the child's immediate and/or future well-being...emotions of pleasure or displeasure aside.
I am not friends with my kids and I don't plan on being friends with them until they are out of my home. I love them tremendously and spend tons of time and resources on them. Last night my son, as we were laying him down to bed said, "I am happy. I am a happy boy." He knows we are his Mommy and Daddy, but we are not his buddies.
Being an authority figure does not mean no love for a child or no love from a child. I think people are afraid of being in true control of their kids for fear of hurting their feelings. But, since when did good parenting become about basing decisions on feelings?