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Separated and Completely Lost
So, I'm opening my world up to the internet to try and gain some outside perspective on recent events. I apologize if this is rambling, but my world crumbled very quickly. . .
My husband separated from me on the 15th--by driving me 300+ miles out of state to my mothers and leaving me on her doorstep, pretending the whole 5 hours that we were going to spend the weekend at his parents.
The week prior had been tense, with counseling not going well, me starting a new job and my husband having trouble at his. This was not a good week.
Now, I am looking for an apartment and we talk every few days and have even had dinner together--but he is very cold and distant. He says he wants to help me through this, and will keep helping me pay my bills, but is continuing filing for separation. I am confused and hurt and cannot for the life of me stop crying when I see him, and we hug, but he is so distant.
I want to reconcile, but I can't push him. He says he doesn't want our marriage anymore because of our fighting, and because he says I am too reliant on him. I disagree with his reasons, but there is no arguing what he sees.
Last night when I stopped by his apartment to grab a checkbook, he was so rigid and physically uncomfortable, like he was going to break down or hit something. It made me uncomfortable and I began to cry, he hugged me, and I tried to compose myself and apologized--telling him that I was not crying because of something he did, but the hurt of seeing my love in so much pain and not knowing how to cope with our new situation.
He called a few hours later and asked how I was and if I was ok, I said yes and again apologized for my crying. He became angry and said that I hurt him, but then stopped and stammered that he didn't call to rub it in my face, but to see if I was ok and hung up. It was weird and out of character.
His actions vary from comforting to angry and erratic, I'm tying to cope but I can't stop crying. I miss my husband, I am scared we will not reconcile and more scared for him--because his actions do not seem healthy. When I married I married all of him and my heart sinks to know his vows were so short lived.
If you have had a separation, I would appreciate any advice, words of wisdom, or not-to-do's. We have been together 4 years, married a year and a half.
Re: Separated and Completely Lost
This is a bit...odd.
He just drove you there and dropped you off and what happened after he left? Gee, he pinned the rose on you and let the onus be on YOU to explain to your parents why he dropped you off and left.:(
And not only that, he lied to you and d!cked you INTO believing that it was going to be a visit with your parents, with him there for the weeekend, too?????
For this alone, he's a sh!t. What a rotten thing to do. How cruel and how creepy -- this is NOT somebody who loves you.
He treated you like a wayward child!!!!
What did you do when the fighting began?
Did you talk to him? Did it just escalate and then after a great deal of time you sought joint counseling? What happened?
There's a lot happening here.
And what you need to do:
If all is clear that he does not wish to try to fix what's happening between the 2 of you with counseling -- and counseling where the both of you give 100% and are both eager to fix what's wrong ---I think you should be the one to file for divorce.
Not a separation: a divorce.
Do NOT wait for him to file. He could keep you hanging in the lurch for who knows how long!
Do so ASAP.
What he is doing: playing games with you and pulling the passive aggressive sh!t. One minute he's distant, the next minute he's all huggy huggy? Uh uh. No more of that for you.
Make a clean break of it. Any communication regarding anything you own, etc -- let your attorney handle it. You need not talk to him at all. There are no kids involved and there are no other issues involved where you'd need to speak to him directly.
If you were married a year and a half, likely these problems existed before the marriage. That's when the communication problems should have been investigated and righted, if possible.
Perhaps your communication was never good. Maybe you have 2 different ways of communicating and they clashed --- if your communication was never good or the styles clashed, this should have been addressed immediately in counseling. From there, you work on it and fix it and if the fix doesn't take, you and he decide where to go from there.
Maybe he's being a scumbag by being rotten and mean to you. Maybe he's not right in the head. If he started acting like this when you split up, then he's doing this of his own free will. At any rate: DO YOU NEED THIS TREATMENT????
Re: the "too reliant" on him -- as if he only noticed this when you were on the way down the aisle after you said your vows!!!! IF this was a problem,. he should have decided early on during your relationship --- well before you got serious -- if he could handle you being reliant.
And maybe he's full of sh!t. Maybe you're not "reliant on him" at all and he's just coming up with an excuse to leave. Great.
See a social worker or a counselor. YOu need to get this off your chest and you'll need a counselor just for the fallout of the separation and divorce. (I saw one when I split up with H; it's best to be prepared. You don't know how this will hit you later on after you realized that your divorce is going to happen)
End the contact with him NOW.
This is making the pain of being apart from him all the more horrific and not only that, he's playing a game with you.
There is also no need to have any contact with him. Go nowhere with him, do not talk to him at all.
When a guy tells you he does not wish to be married, believe him. The message is loud and clear.
You had NO prior clue that he wanted to separate --- until he dropped you off at your mother's?
Then it also may be likely that he's got somebody waiting in the wings for him. He's got a woman (or a man) stashed away and he has been having an affair for some time.
When these guys pull this "I want a divorce" stuff out of the blue with no prior clue, then I tend to suspect an affair.
By gentleman's agreement?
He is the one who needs to vacate the premises. Let HIM get out there and look for the apartment; YOU should be the one to say in the apartment. NOT HIM.
All of this! My mouth literally dropped open when I read what he did to get you out of the house. That is super cruel. All of this pulling you in and then pushing you away sounds like a high school relationship...not a guy who is trying to be in a marriage. I am sorry your going through this. But it has to be handled. No one deserves to be treated like that.
He drove 5 hours and deposited you on your mothers doorstep like a sack of ***.
He has shown and is telling you he doesn't want to be married to you. You need to get your head on straight and get to a lawyers office ASAP. Why the hell would you believe anything coming out of his mouth?!? He drove 5 hours in the car with you and was lying the whole freaking time!!
It is over. Get a lawyer. Go to counseling. And get MAD at this asshat you married.
Uhmmm so let me get this straight, he says he wants you to be independent, but he took you away from your new job essentially making you unemployed now.
Sweetie, you need to gather up your self respect and divorce this man.
And if you gave up a job because of him (and that's what it is) this is bad news. You have another problem altogether that hasn't got anything to do with a marriage that is in shambles.
I strongly suggest a therapist for you. There's other problems here in the mix that you've got and none of them have to do with a marriage on the rocks.
You've referred to him as "my love" yet he dropped you off at your parents' house like you were a bag of garbage. He fought with you constantly and he give you nothing but divisiveness when you do see him....
Tell me again what is there to love and what it is exactly that you miss. Maybe we lost something in translation?
I completely understand when everyone says I just need to divorce him, get some self respect and move on--BELEIVE ME, part of me is angry at myself for trying to be so understanding of his needs and wants.
But this isn't a one-way street; I know him, and he's hurting, too. Bad. I know I've caused some of it, and our fighting was because both of us are thick headed, hot blooded individuals.
While yes, he is a sack of sh*t for HOW he did it (and he knows it, and broke down and apologized for it) he doesn't know how to cope with strong negative emotions and was doing what he thought he had too. It's fucked up, but he didn't do it vindictively. He has said he'll help me move into a new apartment, will keep paying my student loans (as I cannot afford to live on my own), and will seek counseling.
Right now we're in limbo, either we'll "work through our baggage, or we won't."
I did drive back, get my new job back, and am looking for a place on my own. I have contacted counseling for both separation and issues with depression. He says he will seek counseling for anger issues.
The reason it is hard to let go is because I do love him, and know when he does things like this it is because he's too hurt to cope. We have had a lot of good in our relationship--and bad--but I knew this when I married him and meant my vows. It hurts to think he somehow "overlooked" a few things about me before he proposed, and doesn't want to keep working on us.
I just wish I knew if he has the heart left to work through it.
The sooner you are rid of this azzhole the better off you will be. He's a prize sh!t. Let some azzhole take him and have him. and maybe someday she, too, will be abandoned on the doorstep of her parents because he's decided he wants to be free as a bird.
omg stop making f"ing excuses for him being a total douche. he dropped you off on your mothers door for gods sake. he drove 5 whole hours lying every second to your face, you can not get anymore douchastic than that~!
please it doesnt matter how wide this 2 way st. is....he disposed of you like trash.
get some therapy for yourself.
But gee, Mags, her love is hurting.
Pitiful what bad self esteem does to somebody.
YOu and he have had problems since your dating days; no way did this just happen during the last year and a half.
I also still think he's been having an affair and has somebody on the side, and has had somebody on the side for quite some time.
Nobody saunters in and announces that he wants a divorce out of the clear blue without something being behind it and nope, your fighting is not what is behind his announcement.
You are wondering if he has a heart left to fix things?
Anybody who lies to his spouse and dumps her at this parents under the pretenses of a weekend trip away for 2 has no heart at all whatsoever. NONE. And you are justifying this with "he does this because he is hurting?"
This is pretty pathetic. Where did you find this piece of trash that you call an H?
Dude, he's probably not hurting. He is probably upset you came back in town so now it will be harder for him to see his girlfriend.
Please stay strong and put your largest focus on helping yourself. You deserve it.
Are you sure that you're thick-headed and hot-blooded, or does he just make you feel that you are? Not being able to deal with negative emotions is also a serious character flaw which does lead to erratic and/or extreme negative behavior. Please consider carefully if this is what you want for the rest of your life.
Also, remember that you should have counseling for yourself-not just for him or your relationship.
Or his boyfriend.
I'm so sorry. Sorry that this happened.
A marriage shouldn't be this hard. The person who loves you should want the best for you. The person who loves you wouldn't lie like this. The person who loves you wouldn't torture you this way. The person who loves you would be your biggest fan. He would be working with you, not against you. He wouldn't be emotionally distant or detached. He would move the ends of the earth to make your marriage and relationship work.
My mom was with my dad for 23 years longer than she should have been... her self esteem took a hit and has never recovered. One sided, she tried everything she could think of to save her marriage. Nothing worked. They were miserable together and I grew up knowing miserable parents. I wish she would have left and done what made her happy. Having her happy now would have been worth everything. But, the hanging on when it clearly isn't working well... let it go.
Like I said... I'm sorry you are going through this. It shouldn't be this hard.
Thank you. It's posts like this that renew my hope for humanity. This is hard, REALLY hard, and I'm starting to accept that this has less to do with me and more to do with his lack of coping skills. I'm also coming around to understanding that I don't have this low of self-esteem naturally, and he has done his share in setting the bar very, very low for his actions in the marriage and all too high for mine. Hypocrisy, on his part, is what makes me cry, but that's my constant and reoccurring fault: I expect the people I care about will respect me, which is never true, respect has to be earned.
I'm going to start respecting myself first which, to me, means standing up for myself and not letting him make me feel like I've done something to deserve this. I have been nothing but a model of a caring, loving, and supportive partner and have not received the same care. I have decided what I want is to not spend every penny of my first job out of college on a shitty apartment while he "helps support me financially"--I have moved my things back into our apartment, If he doesn't want me, fine, but I want to save enough money to relocate out of here once the divorce is final. I moved here because of his work and I will move away to rebuild my life.
In the state of WI, no court will rule on a divorce before 180 days from when the paperwork was filed. So, for the next 6 months, I'm still his wife. I have made my choice to want to work on myself and our marriage, but if he does not then that is his decision and ultimately his loss. More than once he has said to me "no one else could put up with my ***"; this was a backhanded compliment, and no other woman WOULD put up with his ***. I will not anymore, and while it hurts me to think of him alone (which is what he expects, he is very much a loner with low self esteem) it's not my decision but his choice.
Lastly, while there has been some really compassionate posts on my behalf, thank you to the haters (mine and his) for giving me a much needed laugh this week.
You can certainly understand where he is coming from. Being pissed off about it doesn't take away from that. My ex fiance cheated on me a month after we got a big new apartment and only TWO months after we got engaged (im talkin asked daddy's permission engaged, big deal and my whole family knew about it). He dumped me there and tried to pull the same crap yours is. "oh ill help with money till you get on your feet" because i couldnt afford that big place by myself.
I agreed that he'd help pay my rent because his name was on the lease and he was legally obliged to, and said "eff off" to the rest of his help. because if he wants to break up with me, he is no longer in any place to play the white knight to ease his guilt. (which btw, is what yours is doing too) I am happy to say I worked my ASS off to pay all those bills on my own. It was bs too because I had bumped my hours down on purpose because I was over worked when we were together, since he'd just gotten a better job we agreed we could afford if it I took it easier. Now suddenly he was using that against me to offer his "help".
After a few months of this crap, and i'm sure some of you can see where this is going, it became a power game. He grew out of his white knight guilt syndrome and began lording over me and attempting to guilt trip me with him helping me financially. He also found out later I had been going out on dates again eventually, and *** really hit the fan. If he was really trying to be helpful and really felt 100% good about cheating and separating, my dating would have no effect. he was LIVID, and I think literally said something along the lines of "if i'd known you were screwing around all the help you've gotten from me would never have happened". this is about the time that he broke into the apartment and tore the place up while I was at work. he claimed he was "looking for his stuff". He also stole my engagement ring at this time, and a few other things.
The mind reels at the hypocrisy and idiocy of this sentence he said. I dealt with that to the best of my ability for MONTHS until I could get out of that place. I was working like a crazy woman trying to get more money to move, trying to have a social life again, and trying to find the best way to deal with this manipulative monster who I actually said yes to at one point.
He got pissed and refused to pay the very last part of rent. I had to go to the front office of my complex and explain the entire embarrassing scenario to them, and ask them if I could pay the last month myself, in 2 parts. They let me, thank god, but it didnt end there. He'd left some furniture at my place because he "didnt want them" and now suddenly he wants it all back. he made 3 appointments to come pick them up, all of which made me cancel plans to wait on him, and he never showed. I ended up just leaving all his crap there when I moved out, as I couldn't move it myself nor was it my job to. He got a 600 dollar bill from the complex for cleaning the place out, and then demanded I pay half.
All of this happened after he gave the same speech your husband is giving you. Except mine didn't drive me 5 hours and leave me like a stray dog. Which makes me think yours has even less stability than mine did. Cut the ties. I'm now living in a beautiful house with the best man i've ever met in a beautiful little neighborhood with lovely people and life is great, but that's after almost a years worth of grief from this shi!thead who said he had "good intentions" and that he couldnt "deal with negativity" etc etc. It WILL come back to bite you in the ass if you don't stand up for yourself NOW.
Are you a golden retriever? Because he treated you like one by dropping you off at someone else's house.
And you're still having dinner with him?
C'MON. Sounds like you are about to dodge a bullet by leaving a mean spirited abusive man.
I'm sorry but did you say that you moved your stuff back in and are going to actually stay there until the divorce is final....in six months??? Even if he doesn't want you there?
You seem very clingy and needy. I'm starting to think your husband made the right decision to separate from you, and you definitely need to seek some help.
He doesn't want to be with you anymore. get it over and move on. You coming around all the time is just going to push him further away and it makes you seem crazy
I just re-read your most recent response. Your comment "I'm still his wife for six months" bothers me. You seem controlling. What are you going to do, bother him for the next six months and try to get him to take you back?
You seem to be the loaner here. Do you have many friends? This would be a perfect time to start hanging out with some of them. Invite a girlfriend for happy hour or dinner. I think you may be too reliant on your soon to be ex. This would explain your clinginess and unwillingness to move out.