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Trying to back a little of what was...
Hello everyone, I am going to start of saying I have been with my (now) husband for four years. We have been through hell and back many times, we have weathered people's doubts about us (he is 9 years older than I am).
Well last year we took a chance at trying to have a child, which is funny cause we both came into the relationship not wanting children. Well with our luck it happened the first time, he was very excited, as was I... we still are. We finally got married this last December (on the 21st cause we thought it was cool to say we got married when the world was supposed to end). The reason it took us so long to get married is because he was married before (10 years before I came into the picture) and had a very very rough divorce in a matter of months, he married his high school lover then caught her in bed with someone else 3 months later.. I have always saw marriage as a piece of paper... I didn't care if we got married ever, I grew up very poor and homeless for most my life, so I never learned about how being married can be an asset.. and to be honest I am still new to it. Especially with the statistics I saw for divorce and how every.single.person in my family has been divorced no less than once, marriage wasn't high on my priority. So we fit together. Anyways, we got married primarily for our future son's benefit.
Now I have said we've been through hell and back... I moved 3000 miles away from the nearest family member.. the only people I have been around for 21 years of my life... I was always a loner and didn't even have outside close friends. He had to go from being alone and not trusting to females and generally broken from the inside still about what happened, to taking care of me (which I never really liked... I grew up where the women also had jobs... while he grew up where the women took care of the house only). So we both had adjustments.
He is a roughneck (he works for oil and gas rigs), I moved into his very lived in 32 foot camper he drug from site to site.. and you know what? Looking back and even during that time, it was the best time of my life... not because of my surroundings, but because he spent his waking hours (which he has short time of) playing/talking/gaming/cooing with me. It was great, I understand there is a honeymoon phase, but now it is "hi hunny" twenty minutes later.. no kiss when he comes in without me initiating first all the time, and he goes straight on the computer to vegetate until it is time for bed.
Now, I was no saint either... a year and a half ago, we were reversed roles.. I am home playing the video game and ignored him a lot.. I look back now and feel so ashamed for doing that.. we have talked this through many of times because it almost led us to break up. I guess my childish mind was still growing (I am now 25, he is 34). But ever since that time, he basically gave up on trying to get my attention, I left for a month back to see my family and realized how much I needed him and left my video game with my brother and came back. Now here I am begging for his attention basically.
He says it is pregnancy hormones, I say it isn't. He says he is stressed about the baby coming and his job being unreasonable, and I understand... he says the computer is his "down time after a hard day at work" and I understand he has a difficult job, I honestly do... but now days my voice is insta-nag to him.He thinks that I am too jumpy and giddy when he gets off work.. which I am happy and want to hug and kiss him... and he is going back into his anger he had before he met me (apparently I saved him from that... is what I am always told by his mom and grandma... they didn't see him smile for a while until he met me) and now he is mad all the time...
Sorry this is so long, I do not usually tell anyone of my relationship problems at home cause their solution to everything? COME BACK HOME FOR GOOD WE WILL PAY FOR THE PLANE TICKET WE MISS YOU SO MUCH. And right now, adding their guilt trip for how I left them is the last thing I need. So this is a vent.. and wondering what to do...
I just want a time where we didn't have arguments all the time, where we actually both wanted to spend time with each other, where we are both with less stress...
I know having a child (due this March) is one of the more stressful things in life, and our living situation is worse (living with his parents until we get our own place) isn't helping either...
I honestly do not know what to do or who to turn to try and make things right. I will make our marriage work, I love this man from the bottom of my heart, and I know he loves me... I just want some affection.
Re: Trying to back a little of what was...
He owes it to you! What did he get married for? to have you sit on a shelf while he pretty much leads a solitary life with you there??
Anything can be happening here.
Maybe he realized that he's now married and he can't have his single guy time to himself that he had before. Maybe he is having an affair. Maybe something else.
He wants to wind down?
Let him go get a bona fide hobby; let him go volunteer or work on something at home where he can get his ya yas out --- spending all of that time on the computer is not acceptable.
Nor is it acceptable to talk to you like you're a piece of furniture.
Nip this problem int he bud: counseling for the both of you, stat.
Nip it now before the kiddo gets here. Otherwise you will wind up not only single parenting the child, you'll also have a nice problematic household that the kiddo will be exposed to.
He is not having an affair, I can completely 100% back that up.
The single guy time? He hasn't had that in 4 years so I do not see how us getting married would change that... but ever since we have been married he has been more... controlling in a way, way to over protective on things such as driving in snow...cause I am pregnant. Sometimes ( although we are working on it now) he slips and talks to me like a child than a spouse. We have had issues with that one before we were married and still trying to work on it.
He has hobbies, for the last three years he has been dumping money on building a mud jeep... now he is buying guns and gun parts cause he is afraid of the assault weapons ban looming. He just bought a $1000 rc truck... a metal detector... lol. I think it has to do with him being stressed, spending money on things we can do without, but I don't argue with him...his money is hard earned and as long as we have food and bills paid, I am fine. I support whatever he wants to build or do.
He will not go to a counselor... I am more opened to it cause I grew up in places where that is normal... he is literally from the sticks and thinks counseling is a waste of time and money.
To add, I have actually cracked down on his crazy spending on things recently because we need to save money for a house.... I admit there is one thing I am nagging him about, and that is getting the hell out of his parents home... especially with a kid coming. He is cooperating, but keeps reminding me that it is stressing him out more.
I do not mean to stress him out more, it is just that I am a 25 year old woman living with his parents in his room... about to have a child. Kinda want my own space lol.
Have you tried a direct, non-nagging talk? Ask him about his stresses, if work has gotten harder, point out that a plan will make both of you feel better...honestly, it sounds like having a wife, child, and house, and the demise of being able to be selfish, is getting him. Before it was a choice to spend his time with you-now he may feel it is an obligation. Remind him it is a choice. Being at his parent's may remind him of his teenage days, or maybe other memories.
As his wife, he needs to treat you as an equal partner, not a nagging child! If he does not, this doesn't work. It doesn't matter that you're younger, you are equal. Remind him that you have a lot of stress carrying and making a baby.
You need, need, need to save with the baby coming.
Honestly, taking a strong, independent, woman, making her dependent, talking to her as a child, and not sharing money and time as an equal parnter screams of squicky to me. Classic controller behavior. I assume there is a side to the story which negates this? Please answer.
My husband and I have both gone through the times when we have gotten too involved with the electronics and less in tune with each other. What has helped us is not saying "no more games/computer," but rather making sure we have some designated time without. For us, it means turning off the cell phones during lunch time (we work together, and often are able to get away for lunch by ourselves) and turning off the computer about an hour before we go to bed. Even if it means we are sitting on the couch watching TV together, we are at lease doing TOGETHER, and that make a difference. Try some kind of small step or compromise and start the conversation with a positive statemend about how you miss your time together (remember, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!)
Good Luck.
First off the the poster that said his 3rd marriage, that is incorrect. He was married once, for three months to a high school sweetheart over 14 years ago now. We have been together for four years so far.
As for the money situation, I do not care to share a bank account with him, I have horrible credit and I do not want to bring his down, I am fine with using his card when I need something, he isn't really controlling with his money... just really stupid with it sometimes. Which I get, you make a lot of money, you want some nice toys, why not get some? The controlling behavior I am talking about is more along the lines of arguing with me when I want to drive to walmart or something when the roads are bad.. which I get, I am 8 1/2 months pregnant and people have accidents all the time, but myself haven't been in one... ever. Also, the childish talking... he says he doesn't mean it that way, he is just worried about me and wants to protect me. Which I also understand, but he doesn't really know how to talk to other people... with his past (last marriage) it actually left him damaged in some way, he wouldn't talk to nobody and he was frankly pissed at the world. (That is what his mother says) Which is why his entire family is thankful I am here and slowly bringing him back, just... for a while he has just been getting more distant and angry and saying it is stress. He doesn't know how to deal with it well, all I wanted is some advice as to how to help him deal with it without being nagging I suppose.
Being at his parents makes him at ease he says because he knows I am not alone while he is at work and safe just in case the baby comes early. Also, it is a way to save money right now since his job is being less than reasonable.
1. I am very sure he isn't haven't an affair. There is no question about his fidelity.
2. Like I said above, he is controlling only in the sense of being way too overprotective.
3. The talking to me like a child is something we have been working on for a while. I know there is a 9 year difference and to be honest, this kind of talking has been way before I was a part of the picture and heard from his mother it was worse than this, you see... she let him be the decision maker of the household and did whatever he asked her to do and she is very timid... so basically he thought he could do that with everyone. When I first met him and heard him talk to his mother, I immediately told him if he were ever to talk to me that way it would be over in an instant. He hasn't talked to me that bad, but his condescending tone and just how he talks like I am supposed to jump when he says jump is irritating. But, this isn't what my main concern is... since it is getting better.
4. We both go hunting, we need guns where I live for survival and for protection. They are not assault weapons, they are survival tools.
5. He has always said from day one that his money was mine, even before we were married... so I do not know how you get the idea that it is just his his his. I have low tastes, all I want is bills paid and food in the fridge. He makes enough money to support his hobbies.. but not enough to save for a house which we really need right now. Although these past 48 hours he has since gone into nesting mode and been searching for houses... so I do not know if it finally hit him or not, either way I am happy he is finally taking the baby coming soon seriously.
6. His parents got into the picture because his job laid him off for a month or so. So we both moved in with them in his old room. The room is big, but... you know as a grown woman I would love to have my own place. I understand being in a hard rut, which we are right now (not the best timing), but I know people have made it through worst. I am just at my limit of staying in his parents house for a month and a half now, so I am probably stressing and nagging him more about wanting to leave and not being happy.. which is probably making him recede more into a shell.
Could you sell the assault rifles (I can tell you from experience that it's better to have them out of the house when there will be kids around) and the video games and use the money to rent an apartment? That would get you out of his folks' home.
Unfortunatel for him, having a baby means that he won't have time for computer games and hunting or anything else for at least six months. He's going to have major responsibilities taking care of an infant. And the baby is up several times a night, so if he does get any precious free time, all he will want to do is sleep anyways. Might as well get rid of his toys for awhile and spend the money on something that will really help his family- a place of your own. He can purchase things for his hobbies again later when he has more free time and money. You say you are making him recede into a shell because you are bringing up very valid points about needing a HOME for your family, but it sounds like it is finally time for him to grow up. He probably bought all that stupid stuff because he still wants to feel young and carefree. He should have been out buying a diapers cuz babies are crazy expensive.
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No, we aren't going to sell the guns. We have them in a safe, so there is no danger to any children that come around. Never has been.
Right now I am holding out on buying diapers, cause the huge difference in weight when he and I were born (I was 2lbs and a preemie, he was 13lb and already wearing 1's.) The nurses said they give you a few days supply of diapers anyways and will be going to get some when we come home.
He won't be here, with me physically, very often. Like I said his job is being unreasonable.. what I mean by that is they are making all of their rig hands stay at the rig location until their days off. So he is 6 hours away from me for 7 days straight.
Right now we are looking at places, will be getting calls back tomorrow hopefully.
These hobbies of his aren't my main issues... my main issue is how do I get him to come out of his shell again, basically he says it is stress... and he has been stressed for a while.. I just need advice on how to try and help him through it so I can have my guy back.
Pretty much everything you wrote in your OP- the trust issues; choosing to create a child together despite the trust issues; you were very young and he was not; his inability to act his age; your resistance to selling some of your possessions even though it would put you in a better financial position; the disparity in your views about goals and finances and the inability to communicate in a productive manner, etc.
Have you tried couples counseling?
I do not know where you get the "trust issues" from, I have no trust issues with him.
We have bought and sold a lot of our possessions, but the few that are off limits are off limits for a reason. I have explained that I gave up my video game and gave it to my brother when I figured out I was the one ignoring him first.
My financial position is being worked on, it seems to be getting better, it isn't like we are poor or anything, which is the background I came from, it is just we weren't saving much to get a place to live on our own. Though, like I said, they are being worked on and getting better.
The inability to communicate in a productive manner is because he seems so stressed out he shuts everything off basically, and throughout this whole thread all I wondered is if anyone has gone through a similar rough patch and how they did it... advice.
Like I said previously, he will not go to counseling.
You said that he had trust issues with women because of something one woman did to him over 10 years ago, and that was the reason it took him so long to be ready for marriage, even though for some reason he was okay with bringing a child into the world first.
If you're married to someone who can't communicate with you and refuses to take any action to make the situation better, that's not a "rough patch", it's a dysfunctional relationship.
Yeah, he HAD trust issues that led him to be angry all the time. Since being with him though he has become better at controlling his anger than he was before. Also, the marriage thing was mutual... I never came into the relationship expecting marriage, because as far as I see it.. just a piece of paper and a few tax cuts. Nothing major to us. The only reason we decided to marry was for our child, and that was mutual as well. He was the one who brought it up first even.
It is a rough patch because he used to communicate with me, that is the thing you seem to be forgetting, he was trying his hardest to communicate with me when I was being immature and playing video games all the time.. he since stopped trying to communicate because I was too blind to see he was doing it. I have since saw the error of what I did and tried to make it up and spend as much possible time with him, he has slowly come back, but still very distant in communication... so yeah, it is a rough patch because it has not always been this way.